to tell DD she can't visit this friend again

[missimperfect]

DD has just finished year 7 and just turned 12. I am finding it a bit of a shock getting used to being "out of the loop" when I was quite involved at primary school and knew the other parents etc. So maybe I just don't know the etiquette here and am being unreasonable but...

DD asked if she could visit a friend today - arranged by text. I have never met this friend. So I took her over to the house expecting to see the mum (or dad) when I dropped her off. This is what I would usually do. Quite often the parent will even say "come in" etc when we first meet.

But today we turn up, the girl answers the door and clearly just expects DD to go in and me to leave. No sign of a parent. I hang around for a moment and ask a couple of friendly questions hoping that a parent might come to the door if they hear us chatting, but no.

Now I know I will get slated for this but I am not comfortable - the hallway is dark, dirty and reeks of smoke. No other rooms are visible as there is only stairs and a closed door through to the rest of the house. Empty beer bottles piled in a box by the door.

But I decide to risk it - tell DD to call if any problems, say I will be back in a couple of hours to collect her. When I return to collect - again no sign of any parent. I ask DD how it went etc, seems fairly harmless although they mostly just sat around. She saw the dad once briefly in the kitchen. No one else.

So should I not let her visit again? I just don't feel comfortable about it but am I just being a bit precious?

Door could be shut as the patio door was open and they didn't want doors to bang when the front door was opened. In any event shutting internal doors is hardly a sign of anything sinister going on behind them

Genuine question, not meant snarkily, what are your concerns about your daughter visiting this house, OP? Perhaps if you can put your finger on what you're worried about, someone can reassure you?

Lesson to us all...... First impressions count and we will be judged!!

Tomorrow, hallways across the land will be spruced up and redecorated

I shut my living room door too as my dog is nosy and would come out to see who was there- he just pokes his head out the living room window now. Did you see any dogs hanging out the window op?

We didn't have a stairs carpet for a while (plans on new one, DIY mess upstairs, easier to wait) and one of DDs friends mum commented how nice it looked when we got it done.

She was saying we were scum before we got it wasn't she?

Yes, yes she was. And probably maligning your choice of curtains as well.

But was the hall dark agent? Because if it wasnt dark then you're ok.

I don't think YABU to be catious, I would invite the girl round and get to know her a tiny bit (a tiny bit is all 12y will allow).

DD2 is 12 and I don't hold with suddenly throwing all supervision out the window.

We live in the middle of nowhere, for better or worse, she has to get lifts places. Therefore, she is a bit kess street wise than some DCs who have been wandering into town and to their mates since Y5orY6.

DD1 happens to have friends who's parents I know, so this buisness is new to me too.

So, after being told you are being precious, by pretty much everyone, you are still sticking to your stance. Was there any point in posting?

My DD is only 3 but I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Is it normal to leave a 12 year old in the care of adults you don't know?! I find that horrifying.

Your daughter's safety is paramount. Trust your instincts.

Stick to inviting the friend to yours, at least until you've had a chance to meet the parents.

I got the impression the OP's primary concern was the fact she doesn't know the friend's family. And although lots of you are saying that's the norm, sounds like it hasn't been for the OP up to now... I can't cut and paste on this tablet but second para she basically says she normally gets introduced.

I think the dark hallway and wotnot was secondary.

I would say again that I'd feel the same....this child is only just 12, not 16. I am probably biased as my dd only 8 and I'm dreading the teenage phase

AgentZigZag Nah, assume she was like me - didn't even notice until you had the new carpet laid and then simply thought 'Oh that looks nice' - the world is not full of twats only MN

My hall is always dark and full of shoes,clutter the recycling bag and DPs bike, I'm fairly sure it smells of cat piss on occastion.

Its a wonder my kids had any friends.

What I am saying in essence is:

1. If you would trust your DD to look after herself at home alone, then you could maybe use this as a clue that she would have the resourcefulness to look after herself when meeting new friends as she would have the savviness to things in life to keep her safe ready to go if needed.

Alternatively,

1. I'll probably be slated for this but who with kids smokes indoors nowadays really, knowing the health risks? You might be getting the girl out of a faggy/dirty home by having her at yours or taking the cinema. You may never know for sure, the house could be nice past the entrance/hall but nobodies going to miss out, as the friends are still together whether it's yours or the cinema etc.

I'll also say this and will be slated for it. I always trust established friends homes and would not walk to the door in case of causing embarrassment, but new friends I would have done and felt exactly the same as you OP. 12 in my opinion, is still a bit young not to try and check the place out a bit. I think 14+ would be the age I'd want to let go as that is when the embarrassing parent thing was at it's peak for me. Maybe I'll be wearing a badge in the OTT protection parade...

Of course it's normal for 12 year olds to have friends when you don't know the parents.

Well it is in my world anyway.

To have friends is one thing but to be in their houses is another, surely?

Well I wouldn't introduce myself to parents of new friends at that age.

Well ds is 12 and is bringing more and more new friends home from school, if they don't drop them off they will give me a quick ring first.

OP do what you are comfortable with.

I guess it depends on the community you live in, how many friends your DCs have from primary etc.
If I had been the OP, whatever the state of the hallway, I would have felt uncomfortable too. I think she's done the right thing by saying the friend needs to come to their house next time.

Our hall is pretty dark now you mention it

But, I can take solace in that she couldn't see my curtains from the front door

(she's actually the nicest out of DDs friends mums because she never wanted to stop and chat )

I make it my business to keep up with who ds's friends are and I know his mate's mums do the same. He is 12 not 15.

My dd is 12 and I would probably feel a bit uncomfortable in the OP's situation too.

I don't feel the need to know all dd's friend's parents but I would expect them to say hello if I was at their door. If a parent brings a child to my house I always say hello. That's just polite isn't it?

It's normal for dcs to be unsupervised at 12.

Yup YABU.
Y are also BU to walk her to the door of her friend's house

You need to equip your dd with a phone and the knowledge that it's ALWAYS OK to phone you if she feels at all uncomfortable. Ever. Even in a house with a light and airy hallway that doesn't recycle.

We don't even have a hall!