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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell DD she can't visit this friend again

289 replies

missimperfect · 28/07/2013 21:47

DD has just finished year 7 and just turned 12. I am finding it a bit of a shock getting used to being "out of the loop" when I was quite involved at primary school and knew the other parents etc. So maybe I just don't know the etiquette here and am being unreasonable but...

DD asked if she could visit a friend today - arranged by text. I have never met this friend. So I took her over to the house expecting to see the mum (or dad) when I dropped her off. This is what I would usually do. Quite often the parent will even say "come in" etc when we first meet.

But today we turn up, the girl answers the door and clearly just expects DD to go in and me to leave. No sign of a parent. I hang around for a moment and ask a couple of friendly questions hoping that a parent might come to the door if they hear us chatting, but no.

Now I know I will get slated for this but I am not comfortable - the hallway is dark, dirty and reeks of smoke. No other rooms are visible as there is only stairs and a closed door through to the rest of the house. Empty beer bottles piled in a box by the door.

But I decide to risk it - tell DD to call if any problems, say I will be back in a couple of hours to collect her. When I return to collect - again no sign of any parent. I ask DD how it went etc, seems fairly harmless although they mostly just sat around. She saw the dad once briefly in the kitchen. No one else.

So should I not let her visit again? I just don't feel comfortable about it but am I just being a bit precious?

OP posts:
Dancergirl · 28/07/2013 23:29

OP, YABVU

I can't believe that after a year in Year 7 this hasn't come up yet. Get used to the fact that you WON'T always meet your dds friends, you'll hardly ever meet the parents and sometimes your dds choice of friends won't meet with your approval. That's all NORMAL.

And quite frankly even if you did meet the parents beforehand, what could the possible consequences be? You'll really be able to make a judgment in 5 mins at the door? And if you decide they're not suitable for your dd to be friends with their dd, what will you do? Say 'come along darling, get your coat'?

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 28/07/2013 23:33

YABU

at that age I wouldn't (and don't) expect to meet the parents of my children's friends

Also if my dc have friends to our house then I wouldn't be going to the door to say hello because a lot of the time I am stuck in bed, doesn't mean they aren't safe here

WafflyVersatile · 28/07/2013 23:36

^Is it normal to leave a 12 year old in the care of adults you don't know?! I find that horrifying.

Your daughter's safety is paramount. Trust your instincts.

Stick to inviting the friend to yours, at least until you've had a chance to meet the parents.^

countrymummy do you not see the oxymoron in this advice?

AgentZigzag · 28/07/2013 23:40

'We don't even have a hall!'

That's a whole different set of judging criteria there Juniper Grin

thebody · 28/07/2013 23:41

you can't possibly meet all the parents of high school friends!

it wasn't a sleepover! just a visit.

oh and some advice, never ever make close friends or socialise with patents of your high school kids mates as you can bet your ass the kids will drift apart or worse quarrel and you are left with warring adults interfering in the kids lives.

fatal fatal.

thebody · 28/07/2013 23:43

anyway best judge by names as well as houses!!!! 😀😀

Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 28/07/2013 23:49

Yes I know, they can see straight into my living room Shock Although thankfully the dog normally makes them step back. Mind you I don't get parents at the door nowadays as dss are 12 and 15. But ddog certainly deters unwanted callers Grin

Still18atheart · 28/07/2013 23:56

YABU

Ok so she needed a loft there. But surely you could have just waited in the car and then driven off when someone answered the door and your dd was inside

Goooooooooooooooooooooood · 28/07/2013 23:58

It depends how astute and trustworthy your DD is. At 12 I think it can be perfectly ok to just drop your kids off at friends without vetting the parents.

The fact that the house was scruffy means nothing.
My kids also have friends that include kids in care and kids living in multimillion pound houses. I think it's great.
It's good to chat to your kids about what they are up to when they are other people's houses and it is good if they have a mobile so that they contact you if they feel they want to. The other thing is to encourage shortish 'play dates' and try to get the kids to hang out at your house.
A dirty, dark, smokey house wouldn't thrill me but I wouldn't think there would be anything wrong with my DC visiting. (As long as they kept away from the smoke)
I have known plenty of very very naice parents willing to let their kids play violent video games and watch unsuitable films whilst my DC were at their homes.

yummumto3girls · 29/07/2013 00:00

I'm shocked by some of the responses on here. My DD age 12 would normally get dropped off by me, as would her friends to us, and surely it's just common courtesy to say hello. I wouldn't dream of not going to the front door to say hi to the parent, thanks for dropping them off! It doesn't have to be an inquisition, it's just being polite. I agree with OP she is 12 not 16.

TylerHopkins · 29/07/2013 00:10

I'd like to know more about the family before I dropped off a child there. Perhaps find out who will be home while she's there. When I was a young teenager my friend had an older brother. One day when I was visiting he had invited a bunch of friends round, guys I'd never met before. One tried it on with me and it was quite a scary experience. I suppose I'd want to be sure at least one of the parents were around to keep an eye on them.

MCos · 29/07/2013 00:12

DD1 is 11, another 2 years of Primary to go. (We are in Ireland)
I can understand where you are coming from. This is miles away from where DD1 and her friends are at. I guess it is par for the course when they move on to next level of education. I guess it's all infront of me in two years time.

Meanwhile, I totally understand where you are at with all this. YANBU in my books.

orderinformation · 29/07/2013 00:18

Go with your instinct. My mum never let me play at a particular persons house though that girl was allowed to mine. Few years later her dad, who hasn't been living with them, came round and murdered her mum.

orderinformation · 29/07/2013 00:21

I'm not saying that will happen of course. Just that my mum couldn't put her finger on why she didn't want me to go their, just had an instinct.

AgentZigzag · 29/07/2013 00:24

Shock orderinformation, scary shit.

But maybe worst possible scenario in scenario history/reading between the lines a little too much with only the beer bottles and dingy hall to go on?

AgentZigzag · 29/07/2013 00:27

Ah, x-post Grin

Jux · 29/07/2013 00:30

DD has just finished y9. The transition to secondary took some getting used to, especially as she goes out of area and there were only two of them from her primary going there. We try to have her friends over here quite often and do ensure we're around for parents to look us over and judge if they want to; as often as not though, dd goes to someone else's and we don't get much choice. Mostly the parent(s) want to check us out too, so we're now faintly familiar with them, and can have a chat at parents' evenings or school dos.

Truth is, we are a taxi service and largely irrelevant now Grin

AgentZigzag · 29/07/2013 00:35

Only a taxi service Jux?

I knew I was pampering DD by providing banking and hotel/laundry services Hmm

possum18 · 29/07/2013 00:36

Primary school to secondary school is a huge transition for kids and parents! Now you dd is getting older you need to start giving her more credit to make her own judgements on situations and act on them. ( I know it's super tough to do!! ) 12 is still so little to you, but she'll be feeling so grown up! Trust her to be honest with you and make her judgement on the new people and places in her life, she'll probably suprise you in maturity. If she comes home with tattoos and a bong, it's time to get your mum on and intervene!!!! (just kidding!!!)

Jux · 29/07/2013 01:04

Zigzag, you sound over-worked! Surely dcs work in the mill at w/e once they start secondary.

(I admit to spoiling dd by providing food occasionally Grin)

AgentZigzag · 29/07/2013 01:13

Ach, y'big softy Jux Grin

You'd have thought I'd asked DD to work 16 hrs a day, 6 days a week going on the look on her face when I asked her to unload the dishwasher Grin

I should make her do the washing up by hand like we did to teach her a lesson. In fact she actually stood there not long back and said 'There are no clean knives', at a total loss as to how she should proceed. 'Well, fucking wash one up then!' Her: 'huh? Hmm Confused'.

I've obviously been useless as a parent.

MiaowTheCat · 29/07/2013 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrauMoose · 29/07/2013 07:50

One of the less smart homes where I once collected my daughter at about 6.30pm - we were then going out for the evening together - was in a 1930s estate were all the houses would have formerly owned by the council. The decor just looked a bit basic/shabby/colourless. My daughter's friends big sister was there, but nobody older and there was that faint odour of smoke you get when there's a smoker around. I thought it was possible she'd have been given some sort of meal there, as she'd been visiting since after school - but when I enquired my daughter and her mate had just had a biscuit and a drink

I registered these details, as you do - but did not conclude from them that this was a 'bad' or 'unsuitable' friendship or place for my daughter to be.

A bit later on I found that my daughter's friend's mother had died a few years back. So the dad was bringing up two girls as a single parent. He hadn't got back from work at the time I went round, but I did meet him later. He was a nice bloke -and the girls were fine too.

pigletmania · 29/07/2013 08:16

Yabvu. Your dd is entering teen hood and she had a nice time

GlobalWarning · 29/07/2013 08:23

My parents never met my friends parents. Certainly not after age 10. My ds has a best friend who's mother smokes, it's not a big deal. I think yabu. I would have been mortified if my mother had walked me to the door at 12 and my niece who is the same ate, would feel the same. You are going to do what you are going to do regardless of what is said here, because she is your dd. So I don't get why you posted.

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