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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell DD she can't visit this friend again

289 replies

missimperfect · 28/07/2013 21:47

DD has just finished year 7 and just turned 12. I am finding it a bit of a shock getting used to being "out of the loop" when I was quite involved at primary school and knew the other parents etc. So maybe I just don't know the etiquette here and am being unreasonable but...

DD asked if she could visit a friend today - arranged by text. I have never met this friend. So I took her over to the house expecting to see the mum (or dad) when I dropped her off. This is what I would usually do. Quite often the parent will even say "come in" etc when we first meet.

But today we turn up, the girl answers the door and clearly just expects DD to go in and me to leave. No sign of a parent. I hang around for a moment and ask a couple of friendly questions hoping that a parent might come to the door if they hear us chatting, but no.

Now I know I will get slated for this but I am not comfortable - the hallway is dark, dirty and reeks of smoke. No other rooms are visible as there is only stairs and a closed door through to the rest of the house. Empty beer bottles piled in a box by the door.

But I decide to risk it - tell DD to call if any problems, say I will be back in a couple of hours to collect her. When I return to collect - again no sign of any parent. I ask DD how it went etc, seems fairly harmless although they mostly just sat around. She saw the dad once briefly in the kitchen. No one else.

So should I not let her visit again? I just don't feel comfortable about it but am I just being a bit precious?

OP posts:

superram · 28/07/2013 22:11

My beer bottles are not in the hall but outside. However, after a 4 year old bday party today it is quite full. The children weren't drinking. I didn't wash the floor as I knew the kids would make mess. I may teach your children. My only saving grace is that I would have invited you in for a glass of wine so you could judge my whole house ( very clean bathrooms). Did dd have a nice time?

usualsuspect · 28/07/2013 22:15

If my DCs friends got dropped off here at that age,I wouldn't ask their parents in or even go to the door.

OneStepCloser · 28/07/2013 22:15

I also wonder if it would have made a difference if the bottles were wine and not beer.

I hinkley when they get to secondary you have to let go a little.

essextolondon · 28/07/2013 22:16

Would you leave your 12 year old home alone and know they would be fine? If you wouldn't then I would suggest not to allow her over again, but invite the friend over to yours. When I was teenager (years ago) I used to have a friend from a household as you described and I know she used to see coming to mine as a nice break.

usualsuspect · 28/07/2013 22:18

I'm not sure the girl OP described has a horrible life.

YouTheCat · 28/07/2013 22:19

Essex, they weren't home alone.

ENormaSnob · 28/07/2013 22:19

Oh god you didnt actually walk her to the front door did you?

The poor girl

usualsuspect · 28/07/2013 22:20

Nothing in the OP suggests the girl needs a nice break.

usualsuspect · 28/07/2013 22:20

I know, imagine your mum walking you to the door at 12.

AgentZigzag · 28/07/2013 22:22

I really hope you don't mind a hijack OP, but DD (12) has asked to stay at a friends house, and I've never met her parents (and not particularly keen on the girl who lies exaggerates things).

I've said I'd want one of her parents phone numbers and I'd text/call to make sure it's OK with them after I'd google searched them

Is that fair? Is stopping over the night different to just going round?

I'd keep her in until she was 31 if it were up to me the changing of all the rules you've learnt so far can be tricky, what have other parents of 12ish YOs done?

YouTheCat · 28/07/2013 22:23

I think it's fair enough to want a phone number, if it's an over night.

Original poster

missimperfect · 28/07/2013 22:24

She could not have made her own way there due to distance/not ever having been to that particular area before - we had to look it up on the map. I am perfectly happy to drop off and not even get out of the car once I have met parents etc first time round. I wouldn't go to the door every time.

I too have empty bottles in the recycling box (wine and beer) - just not next to the front door when you open it - the whole first impression was just not great - but anyway that on its own wouldn't bother me - maybe they had a BBQ or a party yesterday and had a lot of beer who knows. I would have been fine if a friendly face had come to the door and said hello nice to meet you etc. They don't have to ask me in just say hello. I still have no idea what the parents are like at all - they are probably perfectly nice but I just don't know.

I have said to DD that if she wants to see the friend again she can ask her over here and we shall have to see how it goes.

OP posts:

littlemisswise · 28/07/2013 22:26

My DC would have been mortified had I have walked them to the door at 12.

I think you are being precious, tbh.

I think it is fair enough to ask for a number when there is a sleepover involved.

Parmarella · 28/07/2013 22:27

My best friend at 12..... All her family smoked, including her 11 year old brother. The family were always lovely to me ( when around) and I thank my mum for never ever disapproving of my choice of friends, or their families.

So, not sure, maybe just take your cues from DD and have the girl over?

usualsuspect · 28/07/2013 22:27

When will you stop wanting tp meet the parents?

BridgetBidet · 28/07/2013 22:27

Empty beer bottles in a box is recycling, so they are obv responsible to a degree.

I wouldn't forbid your daughter from seeing her, this is not the girls fault.

But instead when they want to get together suggest paying for an activity like the cinema or bowling where they will be out together instead of at hers? This way if you are right you will be doing this girl a favour and getting her out of a horrible place.

FrauMoose · 28/07/2013 22:28

My stepdaughter and daughter have had friends from affluent middle-class homes who I have found shallow, overly-materialistic and ignorant.

They have also had friends from families where money has been in short supply and the homes have been in much less affluent areas. And the friends have been lovely young people.

It's also worth remembering that parents who live in lovely houses and have professional jobs can be neglectful and abusive. While those who are struggling to get by can be warm and caring.

Appearances can be very deceptive. I wouldn't rush to judge by them.

YouTheCat · 28/07/2013 22:30

I have met a few of dd's friends' parents over the years (at parents' evenings). It would never have occurred to me to formally introduce myself.

usualsuspect · 28/07/2013 22:32

Do you only want her to have friends that live in nice houses?

Sorry but you kind of lose control over their friends when they go to secondary school,

YouTheCat · 28/07/2013 22:32

Also, my hallway is dark and seriously in need of decorating (one day). The living room door off the hall is always shut if the front door is open because my cat would get out. But my recycling beer bottles are in a box in the kitchen.

I must be a terrible human being.

ImNotBloody14 · 28/07/2013 22:33

Where i live we dont get a collection for glass bottles so we take them ourselves to the bottle bank- sometimes this means i set the box by the front door so i literally trip over it the next time i leave the house otherwise id forget to take it. Maybe it is the same with this family? I wouldnt see bottles ready for recycling as a bad first impression. If they'd offered your dd a beer, well that might raise and eyebrow

rescoonetwothree · 28/07/2013 22:33

I'm not trying to be nasty but the more smothery/precious you act the further you will push her away. She will be embarrassed and most likely try to rebel. I understand you want to protect her but at some point you need to let go, even if its bit by bit or your relationship will suffer which is the opposite of what you want!

cantspel · 28/07/2013 22:34

You generally dont get to met your child's friends parents once they hit secondary school. Maybe she didn't see the mum as she was out or at work so there is nothing strange about that. Berr bottles by the door as it is probably their recycling and they have no where else to keep it or it has been put by the door ready to go out in the morning. Hardly the indications of abusive home. Dark hallway nothing they can do about. dirty well if you believe 90% of the posters on here they pride themselves in doing little to no housework.

I think you need to chill a bit and trust the judgement of your dd.

usualsuspect · 28/07/2013 22:34

My living room door is always shut to,if my kids were expecting friends they would answer the door.

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/07/2013 22:37

Yabu.

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