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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not want ex at birth...

143 replies

Mammagaga · 28/07/2013 14:04

So we split up last week after I found out he has been unfaithful and not for the first time, have hd no contact since, he has denied that anything has happened with this other girl to his family but is quite happy to allow me to think something has happened and has not in anyway discouraged her advances.... So I don't want him near me particularly when I'm in labour next month aibu?

OP posts:
McNewPants2013 · 28/07/2013 17:02

Yanbu, it isn't about punishing him for his actions but I suspect you no longer feel he would be supportive and you don't want him seeing you naked.

Would you be more comfortable with him in the waiting room and only be allowed in once you are washed and dressed so he can meet his newborn child.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 28/07/2013 17:07

You have whoever you want at your birth.

A child will be coming out of your vagina, is entirely reasonable to not want a cheating ex in the room.

He can see your baby the next day after you're rested and cleaned up.

CSIJanner · 28/07/2013 17:11

What MrsRajeshK said.

If you don't want him there, don't have him there. You need people there that you trust and who will support you no matter what. He can always meet the baby afterwards. Just let your MW know who you want there.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 28/07/2013 17:12

What MrsRaj said.

Don't even tell him you have gone into labour and make sure that your birthing partner/family etc know that you don't want him to know either. You don't need the pressure of him outside the room yammering about 'his rights' to be in there.

Though I'd let him see him as soon as I was cleaned up and felt ready (well, as ready as you will ever feel, given what a bastard he has been).

Don't get all hormonal and take the cheating bastard back though will you!!

BramshawHill · 28/07/2013 17:13

You need to be with someone who'll encourage and support you, doesn't sound like he fits the bill. Not unreasonable at all.

JumpingJackSprat · 28/07/2013 17:14

Its his baby too but theres no reason for him to be at the birth. Depending what time of day it is i wouldnt necessarily make him wait till the next day but definitely not till you are clean and comfortable and both of you are settled. dont tell him youre in labour.

Shutupanddrive · 28/07/2013 17:15

YANBU, You decide who you want there and no-one else. I'm sorry your going through this :(

BridgetBidet · 28/07/2013 17:16

Fuck no. You don't want somebody that you can't trust completely with you in that state. You need someone who will reassure you and make you feel safe.

This is not him. It's his own fault he's if he's not there.

formicadinosaur · 28/07/2013 17:16

Text him after the birth. You only need supportive helpful people while you are in labor. It's not a show, he isn't entitled to see the delivery.

MadameJosephine · 28/07/2013 17:18

A birth 'partner' is just that, an active participant not a spectator. You should have someone who you feel will be able to support you through your labour and delivery, he can meet the baby later when you feel up to it

pianodoodle · 28/07/2013 17:18

Sorry you're in this position and YANBU

It's totally up to you who sees you giving birth and if you're uncomfortable with it then it doesn't matter who they are.

The person should be there to help/support and care about your best interests as well as the baby's during labour and I can understand why you would feel this person isn't the best one to do it.

My friend was in a similar position to yourself - she had her mum with her for support and was glad of it.

pianodoodle · 28/07/2013 17:21

Also if you think there may be a chance he'll turn up anyway just tell the midwives in advance you don't want him in there - or don't contact him until you have had the baby and feel ready for him to visit.

fedupofnamechanging · 28/07/2013 17:21

If you are married, I wouldn't tell him until the baby was both born and registered. A married man can register the birth without you being there and I wouldn't put it past some men to do this as a way of getting back at you for keeping him out of the delivery room.

if you are not married, then he cannot do this, so you would be safe to tell him as soon as you felt up to it.

lastnightiwenttomanderleyagain · 28/07/2013 17:22

Let's rephrase the question...

'Do you want somebody who has betrayed your trust to be your support during one of the most vulnerable experiences of your life?'

Very clearly, YANBU!

(out of interest, has he indicated since the split that he would like to be there? or is this more preemptive for when he does ask/you tell him?)

squoosh · 28/07/2013 17:24

YANBU

Phone him when it's done and dusted and he can then meet his new child.

possum18 · 28/07/2013 17:27

YANBU, best of luck to you.

Beastofburden · 28/07/2013 17:43

What will you tell him? Will you let him think he might be there, or will you say in advance that you need to give birth privately?

I would suggest the second. Much as you may hate him, it will be in the interests of your baby to have a good break up and a constructive relationship with him as father. You don't want a hostile, court-based settlement on access and maintenance unless u really have no choice.

He will have hoped to be there, no question. You can explain to him that this is one of the consequences of losing your trust, that you need to give birth without him, because giving birth is difficult and stressful, but that doesn't mean he can't have any kind of relationship with his child.

Assuming you are quite sure he has cheated, given he denies it. Only you know him well enough to be sure of the situation there.

PastaBeeandCheese · 28/07/2013 17:43

YANBU

cees · 28/07/2013 17:47

YANBU, whatever makes you feels comfortable and supported, if having him there as a spectator only doesn't cut it then keep him away from you.

5madthings · 28/07/2013 17:52

Yanbu at all. No man has the right to be at the birth of their child. Evrn if they are the perfect partner the womam still has the right to say they dont want them there.

And in your circumstances you want someone supportive, loving and understanding, your ex is none of those things.

edam · 28/07/2013 17:55

This thread might be that rare thing, an unanimous YANBU. A woman in labour should have only those people she trusts and wants by her side. You may wish not to tell him when you go into labour and only let him know when the baby is born.

hermioneweasley · 28/07/2013 17:59

YANBU. Oh, and don't put him on the birth certificate either.

squoosh · 28/07/2013 18:02

He may be a cock but he is the child's father. I don't think it would be fair on your child not to put his name on the birth cert.

needaholidaynow · 28/07/2013 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ruledbyheart · 28/07/2013 18:03

Sorry but I'm going against the gain and think YABU, presumably he was there at the time of conception so why not the birth, it is his child too?
He has again presumably already seen you naked and to be honest you don't necessarily need to be naked to give birth a long nightshirt would suffice.

In all honesty it does sound like your trying to punish your ex sorry.

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