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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not want ex at birth...

143 replies

Mammagaga · 28/07/2013 14:04

So we split up last week after I found out he has been unfaithful and not for the first time, have hd no contact since, he has denied that anything has happened with this other girl to his family but is quite happy to allow me to think something has happened and has not in anyway discouraged her advances.... So I don't want him near me particularly when I'm in labour next month aibu?

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 28/07/2013 20:18

I can't believe anyone would feel it appropriate to have someone there you weren't 100% sure about and happy with.

During the first bit of labour at home I was having back pains and DH came into the bathroom as I was squatting down hold the edge of the bath - the only comfy position I could find! I said I thought I could feel some waters trickling but on closer inpection it turned out I was just involuntarily pissing on the floor...

We laughed together but if he'd been someone I was feeling awkward about it would have been a different situation!

((dropped jaw in disbeleif @ ruledbyheart and her talk of long nighties!)) that is not the answer to feeling uncomfortable around someone there can be many other reasons other than just nakedness.

pianodoodle · 28/07/2013 20:21

Ugh spelling.. "holding" and "inspection"

Fifi2406 · 28/07/2013 20:24

I think its horrible that you wouldn't let him be at the birth of his child! Fair enough he is a scumbag but I could never say to my son in the future ..."oh I didn't let your dad come to your birth because i was mad at him even though he wanted to!" Because your ex may or may not hold a grudge and tell your son or daughter one day and you might have to explain to an annoyed dc

I just wouldn't do anything to give my ex the opportunity to use anything against me

(My sons dad was not there at the birth but that was his choice not mine)

Fifi2406 · 28/07/2013 20:26

And I'm sorry these people who are saying "tell him to fuck off" probably haven't actually gone through labour alone wether you're mad at you're ex or not in the moment he could be great support

Sleepyhead33 · 28/07/2013 20:26

Giving birth is (for many women) one of the most vulnerable times of their life. Who on earth would expect you to have a cheating ex with you during such a vulnerable period?!
he can meet his child after he/she is born and work on building a relationship from that point on.

Has he actually asked to be at the birth?

squoosh · 28/07/2013 20:27

Oh for God's sake she will not be damaging her child's future relationship their father by not having him present as the child is ejected from the womb.

Get a grip.

Sleepyhead33 · 28/07/2013 20:29

FiFi-seriously?? it isn't about him, it is about the safe delivery of a child with as least damage to the mother as possible (sorry, had some negative experiences) - it isn't an event that one has to attend in order to be a dad! I cannot imagine feeling relaxed and comfortable ( and so keep the hormones needed to keep labour progressing well) with a cheating ex around who is basically there to watch!

Twirlyhot · 28/07/2013 20:30

The world does not consist of the OP, her ex and the hospital staff. She could have Shock someone else there to support her.

pianodoodle · 28/07/2013 20:33

fifi I'd be more annoyed at hearing the circumstances of why he wasn't there and how appalingly my mother was treated during pregnancy.

That is the horrible part. The other horrible part is that you feel a woman should allow someone you yourself describe as a "scumbag" into a delivery room where she may feel vulnerable and emotions are heightened enough for her.

You've also just told a heavily pregnant woman going through a difficult time that she is being horrible. I know Mnet doesn't always pander but honestly... have some thought.

Viviennemary · 28/07/2013 20:35

Of course YANBU. You have every right to have whoever you want at the birth. As regards birth certificate etc I would think about that later.

pianodoodle · 28/07/2013 20:37

P.s not that pregnant people can't be horrible - just in this instance I see no cause to assume the OP is.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 28/07/2013 20:41

Absolutely not - agree with all PP who've said birth partner is there to support you

But hope you can think who you might like to have with you for support instead ?

Phone or text him after the birth so he can visit then if you wish ?

Flobbadobs · 28/07/2013 20:43

Fifi I laboured alone with our second child because DH was stuck outside the mammoth security doors and couldn't get into the labour suite. It does not damage a child relationship with the father if he isn't there. The OP needs support, not a potential battleground while she is giving birth.
OP YANBU in the slightest. Make sure the midwives know.

firesideskirt · 28/07/2013 20:46

I can't imagine anything worse than someone who had betrayed me watching me at my most vulnerable.
Fifi, a father being present at the birth of his child is a privilege, not a right.
YANBU of course Mamma. He can make arrangements to see the baby when it suits you when you are back home.

SlimePrincess · 28/07/2013 20:50

YANBU you should have the birth you want with someone you can rely on.

Thisisaeuphemism · 28/07/2013 20:51

Have someone there who will support and encourage you and who you trust to have your best interests at heart.

I don't think your ex fits the bill!

notanyanymore · 28/07/2013 20:55

Do children actually care whether the dads present at their birth? Hmm
Op you are definitely NBU!!!

Chunderella · 28/07/2013 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thisisaeuphemism · 28/07/2013 21:00

They would be weird if they did.

Before the 1980s, fathers were rarely at births, weren't they?

I don't get why some people think it's a fathers 'right' now. It isn't.

lunar1 · 28/07/2013 21:02

No way should the cheating scum-bag be at the birth, nobody that risks the health of a woman and her unborn deserves any consideration in my opinion. who knows what him and the OW have exposed the op to.

Let him know when you are ready and settled with your beautiful baby, and make sure its on your terms, i didnt realise just how vunerable i would feel in the month after having ds1.

McNewPants2013 · 28/07/2013 21:05

My dad wasn't at my birth, he was at home with my older siblings.

My mum was on her own and since there wasn't a house phone or mobile when I was growing up I think I was around 12 hours old before my dad knew I was born.

I love my father and I have a great relationship with him, because quite frankly I can't remember my own birth but in 28 years he has been a truly fantastic father.

Fifi2406 · 28/07/2013 21:06

Oh my god she's pregnant not dying we all get hormones it's not the end of the world if I say I think she's being horrible to not let him in! I didn't say she was a horrible person. He might really want to be there it might be a big deal for him! He did an awful thing cheating and has caused her to feel uncomfortable but this could be his once in a life time opportunity to see his flesh and blood being brought into the world! You do not know how this specific dad will feel by not being there! I think there's some occasions that you can put aside your differences for and a once of twice in a life time thing like the birth is one of them in my eyes! Unless he's violent or abusive obviously then I wouldn't allow him in! It's not like he's just asking to come round for dinner it's the birth of his child and some of you are saying don't tell him until you've registered the birth that could be a week 2 weeks or more and he's missed out on that precious time

snotfunny · 28/07/2013 21:08

My father wasn't at my birth. He's extremely squeamish and would have passed out. He met me shortly afterwards. Do I give two tiny shites about this? No. I was being born. It wasn't an experience where I needed his paternal support and wisdom or his care and attention. I was being born. Oddly, I don't remember it or hold any resentment about my fatherless birth.

It is NOT his right to be there. He doesn't need to be there. You are not punishing him by saying he can't be there, simply making the point that in the process of labour you don't need any additional stress, worry or conflicted feelings at all.

YAresoundinglyNBU

MamaChubbyLegs · 28/07/2013 21:09

Oh for fucks sake. Giving birth is horrible and undignified. Why on earth would you want someone there who broke your trust at your most vulnerable time? Someone who doesn't repect you? Can you trust that person to stand up for you when you need it? If not, then YANBU. There are plenty of cultures around the world where men are excluded from the birth. Indeed, in he middle of last century, dads to be would go to the pub and wait it out. Have all those babies born without dad present grown up lacking and damaged? Of course they have fucking not.

This is NOT about "punishing the father", or "being seen naked". It's about the OP not wanting someone who violated her trust, and clearly does not respect her, to be with her at her most vulnerable when she needs support.

OP, YANBU. At all.

Sorry, this was not my most eloquent post, but I am astounded that some people don't actually consider a woman's emotional wellbeing and needs a priority over a man's wants during the birth of a child.

mellicauli · 28/07/2013 21:10

Maybe he should have thought about that before he violated the terms of their relationship by being unfaithful. You can't expect people to be very thoughtful about your feelings if you have just stomped all over theirs!

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