Aibu to not want ex at birth...

[Mammagaga]

So we split up last week after I found out he has been unfaithful and not for the first time, have hd no contact since, he has denied that anything has happened with this other girl to his family but is quite happy to allow me to think something has happened and has not in anyway discouraged her advances.... So I don't want him near me particularly when I'm in labour next month aibu?

Feel sorry for the babies of servicemen and men that travel for work and might miss it.

I'm currently pregnant and have fallen out with the father I do have experance of what he is like as a birthing partner as we have another child. However he has behaved in such a way that I now know he does not have my best interests at heart and can not be counted on to safeguard me at a vulnerable time.

My plan for when I go into labor is my eldest child is coming to look after my younger children and a friend is going to take me to hospital everybody has been pre warned not to tell anyone else or to post anything on Facebook type places,

He will be informed of our child's arrival when I return home. I think that's perfectly reasonable.

I think you should insist that he's there but only so you can snip his cheating dick off with the scissors they use for cutting the cord.

Seriously, YADNBU.

Sock...if you know he is not going to safeguard you as you've had previous experience with him during labour then I think you're right I would do the same....all the op said was she didn't want him near her probably because its been only a week and is upset not that she felt that she was in danger or he was physically abusive or any other form of abuse

Fifi The difference between your situation and the OP's is that you say you didn't mind him being there and the OP does.

That's a big and important difference.

Your opinion is your opinion as you say, but others are allowed to disagree and state why.

You are basing yours on the fact that you felt differently in a similar situation which is fine however it doesn't mean the OP is horrible to not feel the same way.

All the best to OP and pixie
Of course YANBU

Actually he as great during the last labor its his behaviour since that make it clear that he no longer has my best interests as a priority.

As should be was.

fifi stress in labour is potentially dangerous. In very simple terms it can cause the BP to rise.
And abuse isn't just physical.

Another little thing Fifi - I noticed you said "Of course birth's not pretty"
Well, I think it's beautiful and amazing !
And that the woman herself should be in charge of what happens during birth.

yanbu. he can meet baby when you are all cleaned up and back on the ward.

I didn't say abuse was only physical i didn't say she cant be mad at him and not want him near her but its his child's birth! Its only been a week she may feel differently next month
All I said was my opinion and of course everyone else is allowed to share theirs everyone just jumped on me like my opinion is wrong when its just the opinion I have

I didn't say she was a horrible person I said its horrible banning him and not telling him the baby has been born like others had suggested!

And I didn't mean birth is not a wonderful and beautiful thing my birth was amazing but I didn't witness a babies head hanging out of my vagina! which i cant imagine is "pretty". That's all I meant

Blackeyedsusan

She said she didn't want him near her so who's to say she will want him near her once she's clean and on the ward that's my problem she could make him wait weeks and weeks before he sees his child and that I do find unreasonable

Well, the discussion is about "ex to be at the birth" and not once baby is on the ward.

I have only seen one suggestion that he be made to wait for longer and I imagine the majority would agree that would be unreasonable.

Nope, sorry, the ONLY thing that matters when it comes to the actual birth is what the mother wants. Nobody else's wishes, 'rights', feelings should come even close to being considered before hers, and it doesn't matter how illogical those wants (of the mother) might be. Quite simply, one of the most important things to be done to ensure a safe birth for a baby is to make sure the labouring mother is as relaxed and happy as she can be - birth is likely to be smoother and safer FOR THE BABY.

I know of someone who did not want her partner present (no problems in their relationship, she just very much felt she would have a better birth getting on with the job with just midwives there, she REALLY didn't want him or anyone else around just for 'support') - he would have wanted to be there, but quite rightly knew that the best thing for the birth would be for her to have the setup she wanted. Because what HE wanted most of all was to give the birth the best chance to progress well. (It did!)

If you feel uncomfortable, threatened, ill at ease... your labour is more likely to be prolonged or to stall altogether.

The father is the least important person during labour and birth. If there's any chance he won't be able to accept that, he shouldn't be there. OP, YANBU at all. I didn't have my DS dad there for the birth, it hasn't stopped him being a terrific father to DS.

Some posts show very clearly how much cultural resistance there still is to the idea of a woman's needs and wishes taking priority over a man's in any circumstances...

Fifi read your comment back "for me personally I don't think my ex being there would have made me stress out just how I was in my birth I was very calm!"

They are statements about you. You kee psaying 'how do you know X' about the man. Well how do you know the OP will be the same as you? How do you know she would be comfortable wearing a long shirt? Why should she have to protect her dignity whilst in labour?

You say you understand how labour works because you've done it four times, So why are you not understanding that stressing a woman out in labour IS dangerous and at the very least horribly painful.
Being on your fourth pregnancy i am assuming you have experienced cramp? Cramp occurs when set of muscles goes wrong, and they both either shorten at the same time, or lengthen at the time time. Now, putting stress on it only worsens it. They need to work together so that one shortens while the other lengthens.

This is in basic terms how the uterus works when it contracts. Putting stress, in this case the automatic physical reaction of tensing (And the reason such techniques as massage, deep breathing and using water are helpful) essentially does the same thing as cramp does.

This prevents the cervix from effectively opening - Which can lead to fetal distress amongst other things - and can place pressure on certain parts of the baby as well. Not to mention problems with positioning that can occur if a mother is unable to labour effectively (Most women automatically move to optimal position depending on where their baby is, to allow baby to move down properly). There are too many problems to even list.

I don't understand how you can claim to understand how labour works yet insist it can do no harm him being there against her wishes just because you weren't stressed.

My ex was present at my birth and was fantastic BTW, I'm not biased. He was there because i was confident he could support me effectively as far as telling me what i want to hear, holding my hand. I did have a friend present too because i knew damned well i couldn't rely on him to argue my decisions if i weren't able to and i have certain medical beliefs.

Oh and the ex was aware of why i had a friend present too. I Was quite open about the fact that i felt more comfortable having my friend there as i knew she would help me more on any medical decisions, and was also more knowlegable than him.

He was fine with that because it made me feel better.

If you start going down the route of 'but it's his baby too' etc then you start opening doors for men to have rights over what sort of techniques a woman uses in labour, where she births and giving them rights over decisions on any interventions that could cost lives.

Women now have many rights and they are all for very good reason, They didn't just give us rights so we could spite all the poor wittle menfolk you know.