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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not want ex at birth...

143 replies

Mammagaga · 28/07/2013 14:04

So we split up last week after I found out he has been unfaithful and not for the first time, have hd no contact since, he has denied that anything has happened with this other girl to his family but is quite happy to allow me to think something has happened and has not in anyway discouraged her advances.... So I don't want him near me particularly when I'm in labour next month aibu?

OP posts:

DizzyZebra · 28/07/2013 21:43

Fifi - You clearly do not understand how labour works.

Distress can hinder labour. Not only does this mean the woman goes through more physical pain, But can lead to a number of problems/interventions for the baby. A relaxed birth can be the difference between an unassisted birth and a forceps delivery (Would you be happy to slice your vag for someone who doesnt even give a shit about you?).

You are happy to shout about the rights of the man but where are the rights of the woman in this? The worst that happens if she doesnt invite him is that he does not see her push a baby from her fanny. He will still see and bond with the baby.

The worst that happens if OP invites him if a horrible, distressing experience and potential for unnecessary interventions. Nevermind the thought of looking back and remembering going through something so undignified in front of her ex?

The 'seen you naked' comments were just disgusting.

Assuming you have slept with more than just your husband, Does that mean your exs should be allowed access to your naked body because after all, you slept with them before?

In fact, why aren't they allowed sex with it at any time? You let them do it before?

Fifi2406 · 28/07/2013 21:47

Mcnew...obviously that is a risk that he has given her I didn't say infections being passed I said him being in the room and she should get an Sti check even if she wasn't pregnant

mynameisslimshady · 28/07/2013 21:48

Fifi maybe you have better relationships with your exes than I have with mine. Personally I wouldn't want an ex seeing me with my ass hanging out while I try to get comfortable, I wouldn't want an ex witnessing me pooing on a table or having to watch a midwife change pads I have pissed on or leaked all over. I certainly wouldn't consider having one there as I had an internal. It was humilating enough having my much loved husband there.

Would you really want an ex partner there to watch all that?

Why is it so terrible to have him there a couple of hours after when Mum and baby are all cleaned up and settled, whats he going to miss exactly?

Fifi2406 · 28/07/2013 21:49

I clearly do understand how labour works as I have been through it myself! Who is to say that this guy although cheating could be an amazing birthing partner full of support? And I didn't mention about the naked thing someone else did I just said that in my birth a person stood near my head would not have seen my bits

nkf · 28/07/2013 21:49

The only person who has to be there is the mother. Everyone else has to justify their presence. Obstetrical knowhow is important. So is kindness. So is the fact that the mother wants you there. No other right or claim exists.

Amazing really. There used to be a time when it was thought odd for men to be there at all. Now, somehow it's expected. Next, it will be asserted as a right.

OP, do exactly what you feel comfortable with. Labour is a big enough experience without dealing with an ex. Really. Do exactly what you want.

Thisisaeuphemism · 28/07/2013 21:50

She doesn't want him there - so how is it supportive of him to be there?

ErrorError · 28/07/2013 21:51

My Dad wasn't at my birth, he was looking after DSis. Couldn't give two hoots, he's fab. OP's ex has the rest of his life to redeem himself and be a good Dad, the child will figure out what he's like eventually, and how he behaved to their Mum. Their relationship growing up is what the child will remember and whether or not he made the effort. Not this one moment in time.

If my ex was the father of my unborn child and we were on reasonable terms, I'd still be irritated by his presence because of the fact he's an ex, but wouldn't disallow it, however, the OPs ex has broken her trust so that's a million times worse. Just tell the midwives and even if he does get wind of you being in labour, they can't let him in.

JackNoneReacher · 28/07/2013 21:52

You think this woman doesn't know who would be a good birth partner for her?

Any other decisions you think women aren't competent to make?

Fifi2406 · 28/07/2013 21:52

You do not know how the individual man may react by not being there he may not bond he may feel pushed out and fair enough that's his own fault for cheating on the woman who is carrying his baby that's disgusting of him and I'd never forgive him! Yes birth is not a pretty sight and you as a person may have found your husband witnessing that unpleasant but some people may not feel shy about it

Thisisaeuphemism · 28/07/2013 21:55

Ah yes, if he doesn't see baby emerge from fanny he will never grow to love the baby.

Ah yes, that logical argument.

"I couldn't bond because I didn't see the birth"

nkf · 28/07/2013 21:55

You do not know anything about the future. If you know that right now you do not want your ex at the birth, then it's okay to base a decision on that feeling.

Fifi2406 · 28/07/2013 21:55

It's just my PERSOOOONAL opinion which is what she asssskedddd for! Bloody hell

fatlazymummy · 28/07/2013 21:57

fifi read dizzyzebra's post above your's. She clearly explains why his prescence in the room may pose a risk to both mother and baby.
You also mentioned him not being abusive. In my experience cheating on someone IS abusive, both mentally and emotionally. It can lead to low self esteem, depression, even suicidal thoughts. Yet you think the OP should just be able to brush it off just so that the ex partner can enjoy a once in a lifetime experience? Bizzarre.
I do agree with you though about not keeping him away for weeks after the birth or not putting his name on the birth certificate.

Fakebook · 28/07/2013 21:57

Have you told your ex this? Has he even mentioned he wants to be at the birth? Has this been discussed with him? He might not even want to be there.

McNewPants2013 · 28/07/2013 21:59

Fifi some people choose not to take that risk.

Giving birth was about me and what I wanted, which for me is something I normally ever do, put my self first.

I had to do what was best for me, after all it was me given birth not nobody else.

Fifi2406 · 28/07/2013 22:02

Yes I read her comment...for me personally I don't think my ex being there would have made me stress out just how I was in my birth I was very calm! I'm just saying what I would have done she asked for an opinion! No matter what any of us say she will do what she thinks is best and yeah that's her right but I just put it out there that I think dads do have rights he should feel guilty and horrendous about himself as a person that he would do that to her but I still couldn't be the person to say sorry you ain't coming in...infact I'm not even going to tell you I'm in labour or that your child has been born until 2 weeks later once they are registered

Fifi2406 · 28/07/2013 22:07

If he doesn't want to be there that's a totally different story but to not give him the option I disagree with

I was in her exact situation... I gave my sons dad the choice, he chose not to be there that's his problem not mine but I have him the choice

Maybe I'm cold hearted and naive but i put my heartbreak out of my head and put all of my strength into my baby not into the low life idiot who cheated on me to me it made no difference him being there or not I don't think it would have made be labour any differently as i'm a chilled out person but I gave him his chance his opportunity to see his son being born if he wanted it

fatlazymummy · 28/07/2013 22:08

Well the fact that she doesn't want him there in itself suggests tbat she would find it stressful. Otherwise she would have probably said 'I don't really care if he's there or not'

Fifi2406 · 28/07/2013 22:10

She said she didn't want him there but still felt the need to ask if she was being unreasonable on the Internet

BlueStones · 28/07/2013 22:14

"I'm a chilled out person".

snorts

Thisisaeuphemism · 28/07/2013 22:16

Sigh - she asked because she's probably heard people like you, fifi, go on about how horrible it would be not to let him "see" this once in a lifetime event.

YellowDinosaur · 28/07/2013 22:16

Op YANBU, it is absolutely your right and noone eldest to decide who will be with you when you give birth.

I do however think that he should be the first visitor to meet his baby (apart from any birth partner you have or anyone you wish to be there to support you when he visits)

That is the reasonable thing to do. Not let him in when you don't want him there or feel he will support you just because he happens to be the baby's Dad.

And I can't begin to understand the reasoning of the couple on this thread who seem to think that his wish to bree there trumps your wishes. It I'd your body and therefore absolutely up to you. Ignore them.

fatlazymummy · 28/07/2013 22:16

And to go back to a point you made in a previous post, why do you think Dads have the 'right' to be present. They don't if the mother doesn't want them there. By your reasoning a rapist should have the right if it's his child.
Conversly of course, the mother can't force the father to be present if he doesn't want to be (quite rightly).

Fifi2406 · 28/07/2013 22:20

Fatlazymummy

No where in any of my posts have I said someone like that should be allowed

He cheated on her he did not physically abuse her, yes she probably has a broken heart emotionally she will be hurt!

I also said if you chose not to have him there then he should be told straight away not left until you decided to register the baby...which someone else suggested

Ezio · 28/07/2013 22:20

Blimey, if men had to see the baby appear from the fanjo to bond, then kids born by C section without the man there, like my ex, would have no bond with their fathers.

Feel sorry for the b

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