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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not want ex at birth...

143 replies

Mammagaga · 28/07/2013 14:04

So we split up last week after I found out he has been unfaithful and not for the first time, have hd no contact since, he has denied that anything has happened with this other girl to his family but is quite happy to allow me to think something has happened and has not in anyway discouraged her advances.... So I don't want him near me particularly when I'm in labour next month aibu?

OP posts:
UpTheFRIGGinDuff · 28/07/2013 18:06

What MrsRajesh and everyone else said.
YAANBU!

Twirlyhot · 28/07/2013 18:06

He can see his child when it's born. Labour is about the woman giving birth. Being stressed can stall labour.

Shutupanddrive · 28/07/2013 18:09

ruledbytheheart I assume you have never given birth? It's not about being naked, you need people you trust and support you. What the hell are you on about? Angry

edam · 28/07/2013 18:09

Twirly's right - anything that distresses the woman concerned can inhibit labour. And even if it didn't, a labouring woman has every right to decide who is there with her.

Loveitall · 28/07/2013 18:11

Yanbu by not having him at the birth, but I would tell him as soon as poss after bubs is born so he doesn't find out from someone else. It wbvu to deny him rights, place on birth certificate etc like some peeps have suggested

mynameisslimshady · 28/07/2013 18:13

Ruled conception is NOTHING like giving birth, at all. Confused

Op YANBU at all, the birth is about you, he can see the baby afterwards. Its not punishing him at all, and your baby will neither know or care who is there.

CruCru · 28/07/2013 18:18

Who will you have instead? Would you consider hiring a doula?

formicadinosaur · 28/07/2013 18:19

Mum has to feel emotionally comfortable and supported during the labour. Her stress could slow things down. An ex could cause turmoil.

ruledbyheart · 28/07/2013 18:19

Shutupanddrive I have 3 and am due number 4 in a couple of week but I stand by my opinion, its his child too and just because they are no longer together shouldn't stop him being a father.

Mabelface · 28/07/2013 18:23

You don't have to have anyone in the delivery room you don't want. He does have the right to know about the child being born though. Ruledbyheart, it would be detrimental to the wellbeing of both the mother and child if he was in the room when him being there will cause stress and upset for the mother, and long nightshirts don't stay down!

I would ask the midwives to call your ex when baby has just been born.

fatlazymummy · 28/07/2013 18:23

ruledbyheart being a father doesn't include being in the delivery room against the mother's wishes. Giving birth isn't a spectator sport.

glenthebattleostrich · 28/07/2013 18:24

He doesn't need to see the child emerge from the OP's vagina to be a father though. And if he was that bothered about being at the birth perhaps he shouldn't have been shagging about.

OP, YANBU. You need someone there who you can trust who will support you and be your advocate if you need them to be.

spiritedaway · 28/07/2013 18:25

I let my estranged abusuve ex into the delivery only because I wanted to know exactly where he was as he said if I didn't let him it would all kick off and I worried for my other children. He used it against me afterwards telling people I was playing head games and letting him think we were a happy family. He made me feel evil when I initially said no but I really wish I had kept my self respect and said no. It was not a great birth experience.

squoosh · 28/07/2013 18:26

Poor you spirited, even though he got what he wanted he still used it against you.

HappyMummyOfOne · 28/07/2013 18:28

You dont have to have him in the room but he should be there ready to meet his baby as soon as possible. Whether or not you are together, you had a baby with this man and now need to let him co-parent.

Talks of excluding from birth certificate etc are childish and usually suit the mother not the child.

hermioneweasley · 28/07/2013 18:28

Has he asked to be at the delivery?

TheGinLushMinion · 28/07/2013 18:32

Bollocks to him, YADNBU

5madthings · 28/07/2013 18:35

No man has the right to see their child being born, birth is about a woman giving birth and is a time when a woman is at her most vulnerable. She needs to feel supported at this time.

The father can be contacted once the baby has been born and then arrangements can be made for him to see the baby once she has recovered and feels up to visitors.

You can be a father without seeing the birth or seeing the baby within minites/hours of the birth.

SleepyFish · 28/07/2013 18:47

I think it's entirely up to you OP. However as i said on an earlier thread my ds's father wasn't at the birth (i didn't stop him he just didn't contact me for 3 months prior) and now 5 years later he still hasn't seen his son and i often wonder if things would have turned out differently had he had that experience, not that he deserved it or would have provided the necessary support but i think had he been there either at the crucial moment or soon after he may have formed some sort of bond with his child and i probably wouldn't have even noticed him.

Of course if he had been a decent human being he would have made an effort to see/bond with his child whether he was at the birth or not and it's not the be all and end all by any means.

Anyway just though i'd give you my perspective as someone who did do it alone.

SupermansBigRedPants · 28/07/2013 18:59

Christ I'm in a happy settled relationship and I'm still not having the bugger in with me - this is our second dc together!

Giving birth you need someone who is going to understand your rambling or at least support it, have sympathy and encouragement in bucket loads for you and be strong for you when it might get too much for you. I sincerely doubt your ex fits the bill.

I don't want my df in with me, he doesn't want to be in with me, we are both happy with our arrangements and he sees me naked all day almost every day Grin

BabyMakesMyEyesGoSleepy · 28/07/2013 19:03

Its your body and your birth OP,have someone who will be supportive and comforting to you. Best of luck,hope all goes smoothly Smile .

ErrorError · 28/07/2013 19:51

I agree with the 99%. Totally your choice to have whoever you want there at one of the most intimate and stressful and wonderful times of your life. I wouldn't want any knobhead there regardless of whether or not they were the father.

Yonionekanobe · 28/07/2013 19:56

Totally your right to have who you like there. In fact not only your right but essential for your long term emotional well being, IMO.

I am stunned that even one poster thinks he has the right to be there and as for the comment about wearing a long nightie - crass beyond belief.

Branleuse · 28/07/2013 20:02

YANBU, he can fuck off

Sparklysilversequins · 28/07/2013 20:03

ruled I don't imagine for one second that the OP wanted it to be like this. Unfortunately her ex P made a choice that meant that her family life and how her child is parented is never going to be what she wanted and planned for. So now she can make the choice as to how her family life commences. I don't say this very often but you're talking utter crap Angry.