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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the term full time mum

259 replies

Dylanlovesbaez · 27/07/2013 09:32

I hate it! Just because I have to go to work does not mean I stop being mum on those days! I am a full time mum and a part time worker.

OP posts:
janey68 · 27/07/2013 18:19

About = amount

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 27/07/2013 18:26

I didn't work when dd was small, but do now.

Imo, the correct response to 'what do you do?', is 'I don't work'.
Being a parent is not a job.

sunshine401 · 27/07/2013 18:36

This whole issue is always cropping up on here.
I must add that you always get the mums/dads on here who are so guilty of their choices that they insult anyone who has done it differently, which is a waste of time and energy as anyone with common sense can see straight through it.

Saying you are a full time mum is just that really. You have chosen to stay at home and be a full time mum. Rather than having a full/part time out of home job. It is just a phrase that some people chose to use. If I did not work because I had chosen to stay at home to look after my children all day I would refer to myself in the same way.
Brew

feelingdizzy · 27/07/2013 18:37

Full time mum is a phrase I wouldn't use but I think many people use it instead of SAHM and its not meant in an insulting way.

I think many labels are used to make use feel guilty for our mothering choices. I also think some is vaguely competitive; in my life is harder kind of way. Some comments are also based in interest in a lifestyle that isn't our own.

I am a lone parent and have been for a decade and have always worked, so have never been a SAHM (only had 6 weeks maternity leave).

If I am honest I am slightly fascinated by SAHM as I am by other things I have no experience of. Also definitely when my kids were younger I did indulge myself in my life is harder than yours ,and would have loved the choice to stay at home. I wouldn't have stayed at home I would have just loved the choice too!

Now I am happy with my choices and my lovely kids and recommend to everyone not to feel guilty.

Wannabestepfordwife · 27/07/2013 18:48

I don't like the the term either any mother is a full time mum I've not met a mum sahm or wohm who isn't constantly thinking of their children's need.

I'm a sahm and when people as what I do I just say I stay at home.

I really don't understand why people are so bothered by what other people are doing as the children are looked after its sweet FA to do with me.

pianodoodle · 27/07/2013 18:53

There are so many assumptions and generalisations :(

In some situations, a family is financially better off by having a SAHM there are lots of other reasons other than "they can afford it" - some can't afford not to stay at home the same as some can't afford not to work.

It all depends on individual situations and circumstances. The only generalisation I'd make is that most people are just doing the best job they can - whatever it is or whatever they choose to call it :)

I most certainly would not say "I don't work" or think it the correct response! I think it is up to me to decide whether I've done a days work or not and I wouldn't presume to tell others how they should answer that question.

Mothers (and fathers) have so much pressure and guilt to cope with at the best of times we shouldn't encouraging it amongst ourselves.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 27/07/2013 19:19

That's a nice post piano - regarding doing a full days work I often feel I do about 8 hours with the morning and evening shift combined, even if I do have a few hrs off whilst they're at school (which after all is only for 6 hrs, 5 days a week and term time) There's quite a lot of time they are at home one way and another Smile - and trying to fit a job around those school hours is not easy and is also very competitive.

MammaTJ · 27/07/2013 21:36

Gailus, you have over estimated any insucirities I might have by so much.

I work full time nights in a flexible job, with understanding bosses.

I could not be a more full on mum with options in any other job.

FirstStopCafe · 27/07/2013 22:03

YANBU. I hate it too

WMittens · 27/07/2013 22:09

Just because I have to go to work does not mean I stop being mum on those days!

No, in the same way that I don't stop being a training consultant when I leave the office, but that doesn't mean I do 168 hours a week.

Sure, you're still mother to your children when you're at work, same as I'm still a driver because I have a driving licence, even when I'm not in my car.

morethanpotatoprints · 27/07/2013 22:10

I call myself a full time mum as well as other roles as i don't woh. I always took it as that what it meant.
I wouldn't think of you or any other mum as pt mum who woh.
But, it is a way of distinguishing between those who woh and those that sah.

Kewcumber · 27/07/2013 22:13

Really don't worry about it - once they are at school we all become part-time mums to some extent or other.

I have worked (almost) full time, part-time out of the home, part-time at home and not worked at all.

Practically they all work a bit differently but really what does it matter as long as you and your child are happy.

DuelingFanjo · 27/07/2013 22:14

Oh there'll always be some stupid people who get some twisted pleasure out of telling working parents that they are sub-standard. It's all Bollox, and those kinds of people are not worth your time. Of course you are still a full time mum when your kids are in childcare/school. No one ever throws this shit at men.

Just. Pity those who feel the need to be so vile and stupid. They probably have mean hearts.

Devora · 27/07/2013 22:18

The only classy response to all this SAHM/WOHP nonsense is not to care. Honestly, does it matter?

fluffypillow · 27/07/2013 22:35

I see my role in life at the moment as a 'full time Mum'. I would describe myself as that. My older children are at school, but my toddler DD is at home with me 24/7. I do everything for her/with her, and I don't pay anyone else to look after her. This is why I feel I am a full time mum.

If I had a job, and paid a nursery or childminder to do the things for her/with her that I do, then I wouldn't see myself as a 'full time Mum'.

This would not make me any less of a Mum though. We all have choices to make in life, and there are so many difficult choices when you have children. Who is to say who's right or wrong? As long as our children are safe and happy, who really cares what we label ourselves?

StayAwayFromTheEdge · 27/07/2013 22:40

FluffyP - but those of us that work still consider ourselves to be full time parent.

When your toddler starts school will you be less of a parent because you no longer have her with you 24\7 and don't do everything for her,

I do not stop being a parent when I go to work.

morethanpotatoprints · 27/07/2013 22:45

StayAway

I don't think anybody has said that you aren't a full time mum if you woh.
What they are saying is they refer to themselves as full time mum because they don't have a job to define themselves other than sahm.

StayAwayFromTheEdge · 27/07/2013 22:53

Morethan - fluffyp quite clearly said that considers her self a full time mum because she is with her child 24-7. She went on to say that if her child went to nursery and she went to work that she wouldn't consider herself a full time mum.

I do not agree with her.

HooverFairy · 27/07/2013 23:05

I hate the term 'full time mum'. This is because it implies that anyone who works is a 'part time' parent, this is reinforced by the fact it's used to describe mums who do not work. I hate it so much because it brings out my insecurities of having to leave my LO whilst I work. I don't consider myself a part time parent but I fear that others do, some people don't understand that some mums don't have a choice about working.

fluffy, it's fair enough that you will be a part time parent when you are not with your child, but I will never be that. 'Part time' implies that you are not being an attentive or responsible enough parent. I can manage to be everything a 'full time' mum is even when I'm not with my LO. Don't generalise, it's offensive.

HooverFairy · 27/07/2013 23:06

And I care what people label me as, especially when it comes to my child.

Permanentlyexhausted · 27/07/2013 23:06

I understand what people mean when they refer to themselves as a full time mum but agree that it is a nonsensical phrase. I don't consider myself a part time mum because I go to work and leave my children behind, any more than I consider myself a part time wife for those hours, or a part time sister/daughter/etc.

morethanpotatoprints · 27/07/2013 23:07

I can see the point made by FluffyP though.

If somebody else is doing the caring other than a parent the parent isn't doing that role full time, they are doing something else during this time.
Maybe the role of full time parent only applies to somebody who does parent 100% of the time.
I think the problem only arises when people either try to justify their choice, they aren't happy with their choice or are put in the position of having to label themselves.

StayAwayFromTheEdge · 27/07/2013 23:11

Morethan - I am very happy with the choices I have made and the opportunities that are open to my children by me going to work. Do you believe that we all become part-time parents when our children start school?

Fluffy comes across as being rather smug.

JassyRadlett · 27/07/2013 23:12

The trouble is that, in the world of employment, full-time and part-time are binary choices. You're one or the other if you're employed. So when that language is appropriated to describe something else (such as caring for one's own children) you can't just dump the associations that go with the term 'full time' because it suits you.

Calling oneself a full time parent implies that those who don't fulfil the criteria for 'full time parent' are either part time or non parents.

Something can be a common 'shorthand' but still also be very lazy use of language, irritating and as this thread has shown it upsets some people. Which means it might be worth considering an alternative, unless you do really consider parents who work outside the home (including the partners of parents not in paid employment) as lesser in the parenting stakes?

morethanpotatoprints · 27/07/2013 23:20

StayAway

I agree and included that point in my post. If you are only a full time parent when your dc are at home then there are few full time parents.
I didn't mean to imply you weren't happy with your choices, but usually find on these threads that the arguments are usually made by those not happy with their choices, or having to find a label etc.
I am a mum a wife a sister an unwaged assistance a H.educator, but I hate the thought of having to label myself as xy or z. I am me, an individual with many roles and responsibilities.