To hate the term full time mum

[Dylanlovesbaez]

I hate it! Just because I have to go to work does not mean I stop being mum on those days! I am a full time mum and a part time worker.

[martini84]

Sahms are not unemployed. They are not on jsa. They are at home looking after their children.
If all sahms with school aged dc suddenly went out and got jobs than there would be less jobs for those claiming benefits or any children.
If you can afford to sahm why not.
If you want to, have to or choose to work, fine too.
We are all parents.

[martini84]

needsomesun my dh contributes by going out to work, working extremely long hours. Pays more in tax than we get back. Not that you should look at it like that. With 3dc including a baby the house would fall apart if I went back to work.

[NigellaEllaElla]

I tend to use the words stay at home mum rather than full time mum, I think full time mum sounds a bit odd.

BUT just because I am a stay at home mum, I don't count myself as being unemployed, i would use that for someone who is trying to be employed.

Don't make anyone else make you feel bad for what are your choices in life. You are doing the best you can for your family within whatever limitations you have, and that is all anyone can ask of you and should be applauded.

[fabergeegg]

I agree martini. What we need is a return to traditional values and to accept that raising children is something that often requires one parent to be present at all times. I personally don't care which one. I feel we've become a nation of grafters with a moral imperative to earn as much money as we can in order to have the best 'quality of life' that we can get out hands on.

Veering away from the OP because I simply can't help it, I'm starting to wonder why we think we have a right to two jobs per family at all. Why should there be enough money in the pot for this when some children are growing up in Britain today below the poverty line in families with a painfully small chance of landing one job, let alone two? And why are we cool with calling nursery staff 'the professionals' when nobody knows our own children like we do?

Rather than questioning my right to be thought of as a 'full time mum' despite being in full-time employment, I'm starting to question my own right to hold onto a multiplicity of roles in a country - and in fact, a world - where competition for employment is so fierce that many parents are struggling to show their children what employment looks like, never mind job satisfaction. Perhaps we need to think 'Yes, I have rights as a person and a woman and a citizen and a parent - but I don't necessarily have a right to my rights when more vulnerable families are being cut out of the picture to make this possible.'

Austerity is nipping at our heels no matter what we do. Perhaps if we saw motherhood/fatherhood as something that we do all day, well as something beautiful that we are, we could come to terms with it more graciously.

Rant over :)

[motherinferior]

When I hear the words 'traditional values' I reach for my copy of the SCUM manifesto

[Wallison]

Of course, if you want 'traditional values' then that would mean working mothers. Because most mothers, in most places around the world, have always worked. They might not have been paid a lot of money for it, but they have worked and most continue to do so. Even in the UK, working-class women have always worked; taking in washing, looking after other people's kids, doing ironing etc etc.

[Viviennemary]

I thought I was quite old-fashioned and an old gimmer. But honestly, return to traditional values. What a thought!! A Mother (or father of course) who works outside the home is valuable to her family and so is a Mother who makes the decision to not work outside the home. Same with stay at home Dads. It's all down to circumstances and preferences and opportunity.

[Wallison]

^^It's all down to circumstances and preferences and opportunity.

Agreed. People should do what suits them and their family.

Also, related to my above post I think it should be pointed out that even under the Victorian m/c 'ideal' of a wife not working, those mothers didn't do that much of the nitty-gritty of child-rearing themselves. So even if you postulate that the m/c Victorian model is the 'traditional' one (despite it applying only to a limited number of people, ever) then you wouldn't be getting down and dirty with the play-doh/sandpit etc should you choose to structure your family life in such a way. You'd have a nanny. And other household staff as well.

[internationallove985]

Martin84 so if married SAHM are not unemployed and therefore I will asume you don't think they're lazy then is it only fair to say that lone parents who don't work are not bone idle. Well there can't be one rule for one and one for another on moral basis. and B.T.W I am a hard working single mum. .However in my view all mothers are working mothers. love D.D as I do sometimes work is a rest. xxx

[Gailus]

I think we're looking too deep into the term 'full time mum' and bringing our own hang ups to the issue. If I say I'm a full time mum it just means I am not currently in paid employment ...that's all. I'm not passing judgement on anyone who is in paid employment as well as being a parent.

[Summerblaze]

What do you think people who stop at home purely because they want to look after their dc should say when someone asks what they do for a living. Do they say unemployed???? Then they would get the looks from those who think they are lazy, benefit scrounging etc.

Full time mum just suggests that someone is taking time away from the working world to look after their children 24/7.

I used to say that I was a SAHM but now I work so I now say that I work part-time at ***. Doesn't mean that my workload has changed that much at home but for 12 hours a week, someone else looks after my dc.

None of the phrases are that accurate anyway. When I was a SAHM, my dc's were sometimes at nursery/school/gp's house etc.

It is just that though, a phrase. Most people are not trying to imply anything by it. You are being too sensitive.

[Rufus43]

When someone asks me what I do I say " as little as humanly possible"

Tis true!

[pianodoodle]

peteypiranha and Mammatj your attitudes are just nasty...

Why the need to be so mean about other people's choices? Why do SAHMs need to make themselves feel better?

Just odd.

[MammaTJ]

pianadoodle, I don't know, but in calling themselves 'full time mums' they are implying I am only a part time one, when that is not the case. I can only assume they do it to make themselves feel better. No idea why they would want or need to, I just can't see any other reason for it.

Now, that is NOT nasty, nasty is something I just do not do. I do express opinions, which we are free to do on here.

[Gailus]

MammaTJ; by assuming those that call themselves full time mums are somehow belittling you as a parent- says more about your own insecurities than anything else. To assume that they are doing it to 'make themselves feel better' is putting way too much importance on a well used common phrase. Move on.....

[pianodoodle]

I hate the term full time mum too. I think it is a stick to beat us with if we work but it may just be a SAHMs way of making themselves feel better

You're assuming an awful lot there! I have used the term but I wouldn't expect anyone to take it as a personal insult to them I wouldn't be so judgemental.

Inferring that they use it to make themselves feel better is just a dig at SAHMs because you don't like the term full-time mum. Seems mean and a huge overreaction.

[Rufus43]

What about the American homemaker? That's very cringy! What other phrases can we use if we can't use working mother (suggests that looking after little children all day isn't work) or full time mum, or SAHM

Or should it change depending on how old your children are, for example full time child carer til they go to school then lady of leisure/lazy cow when the children are at school

Full disclosure I work for 4 hours a week and refer to myself as a SAHM cos its easier and 4 hours does not really feel like work

[Summerblaze]

But they aren't really implying that at all. It just means that they have no employable job but aren't sat on their arse watching daytime telly.

When I was a SAHM I knew I was doing what was right for my family and therefore did not need to make myself feel better. It was just something to describe what I was doing.

You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. I would call myself a SAHM again if that is what is best for my family. I don't give a shit what people call themselves or what they think of me.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

"It's all down to circumstances and preferences and opportunities"

YY, Mumsnet at it's best really helps me see that that is the case.

I was a SAHM until DC2 started school, then a P/T pre-school practitioner, and for now back to SAHM due to the economic climate (employers went bust, hard to find other similar work in competitive climate, hopefully will do soon)

As I said upthread describing yourself as a full-time Mum rather than a SAHM is just another option (which as I said upthread may feel the most accurate description) and is very rarely used to imply any disrespect to working mothers I feel.

[hobnobsaremyfavourite]

How come these threads only ever talk about mums? Mt DC's have 2 parents who have always in some way,shape or form worked outside the home and yet no one has ever asked DH if he is a full or part time parent

[StayAwayFromTheEdge]

I really hate this arguement.

We are all full time parents - some of us work and some of us don't.

Some stay at home parents are idiots, as are some working parents.

As long as you are happy with your choice and you can afford it, it is nobodies business but your own.

Having said that I was very tempted to comment on FB last week when a friend said something along the lines of how busy she had been chasing various appointments for her children and finished by saying "who said being a stay at home mum was the easy option" - utter bollocks, what does she think the rest of us do - leave our children to suffer?

[MrsMook]

I'm a GOTHM (Get Out Of The Home Mum) . If people ask about my occupation I tell them that I'm a teacher, but currently staying at home to look after the DCs. I'm sort of on Maternity Leave as I receive Maternity Allowence, but the temporary contract I had between DCs ended so I have no current employer. My "maternity leave" ends when DS2 reaches an appropraite age and when I find a appropriate post of benefit to my family.

When I was working I remained a mum during the working day, but didn't have the level of immediate responsibility that I do when I'm the primary carer. DH is biologically a parent as much as me, but his role as a parent isn't as tied up into his identity, and when away from the DCs he isn't mentally "on call" in the same way, nor in the night. I suppose when I was working, my parenting hours and "on call" time was still suffcient to add up to full-time hours.

I can see why some people feel undermined by the reverse logic of "full time mum", but I'm not fussed as long as I'm not called a "housewife". I might be a wife, but I didn't exchange vows or rings with a house. My primary role is to look after the DCs, and housework is a part of that, but it is not my main focus.

[MaryPoppinsBag]

The term 'Full-time Mum' doesn't bother me why would it? I am comfortable in the choices I have made. And need not justify myself to anyone. Nor do I want anyone to justify themselves to me.

But I've done all 3 options - F/T work, P/T work and SAH. So have nowt to prove.

Live and let live and just get on with your own life.

[janey68]

I don't like this argument either, but the phrase 'return to traditional values' makes me shudder as much as the term 'full time mum'.

If you don't want to work and have a partner able and willing to support you then fine, no problem, but don't kid yourself there is anything traditional or universal about it. Most women in the world work.

I also don't agree that we've become a nation obsessed by work and earning more and more and that it's somehow morally wrong for a household to 'take' two jobs. Working is a fact of life, nothing to be afraid of, it is not an alternative to raising children, it's something parents combine with raising kids, and tbh as all our own children are likely to spend a significant about of their adult lives working, I feel it's important to guide them towards realising that work can be interesting and rewarding in many ways other than the Wages