to think he's being mean to dd and to stand up for her?

[BusyLizzie99]

DP and I have been together since my dd was one. She's now 6. Mostly he's great with her but recently I've been seeing behaviour I don't like and feel like he's jealous of how close we are and subsequently sulking/being mean to her. Am prepared to be told I'm being over-protective though. Some examples:

If she's been at her father's he makes a point of telling her what she's missed out on here.

The other day he was looking in cupboard under stairs and dd wanted to go past as her breakfast was in the other room. She said excuse me four times but he ignored her, then when she tried to squeeze past he stuck his bum back suddenly squashing her against the wall, causing her to bump her head and cry then told her off for being impatient.

Tonight when we were arriving home from walking the dog she picked up some pebbles from the front garden and slipped them in his pocket telling him he
could use them to find his way home (been reading Hansel and Gretel) and he told her off and chucked them back outside. When she went to collect them he slammed the door shut then shook the keys to pretend he was locking it. She then knocked on the door and shouted to come in and he again moaned and told her off for 'waking the next door neighbours child'. Then I washed up and dd was telling him about her day as he'd been at work and all he replied was 'mmm' to each thing, while playing with baby dd with his back to elder dd so she was excluded.

Tonight I was reading bedtime stories to elder dd and when we'd finished I was telling her 'the story of her day' as we do sometimes. She was giggling and we were cuddling and within a minute he was there plonking baby with us so we couldn't continue.

If she's laying cuddling our dog, whom she adores, he'll call him away. When she's walking him and she goes off in front, if dp deems she's too far ahead he'll call the dog rather than dd which has caused him to pull her over a few times.

There are more I could think of but I'm getting wound up just typing it! AIBU to think he's being an absolute arse to her and to stand up for her/against him in front of her?

If you never go out and leave em alone after being together for 5 yrs, I think that tells you that this is not e man for you....or your child. I assume the baby is his? If this has only been starting recently since baby was born, perhaps it's your partner feeling jealous of 6 yr old and being mean because he feels she's not part of his family as not her paternal father...unlike new baby.

What he is doing is not acceptable and you need to talk to him ASAP. As your DDs mother, you should be supporting her, not him. He sounds weird.

Your partner is a bully who is hurting your child, for the love of God stop him. Your poor little girl is being hurt by this piece of shit excuse for a human, don't stand on the stairs biting your tongue watching, do something and show your little girl she deserves better. Come on op do better for her please.

I don't think the girl will feel like shit. She doesn't know any difference. She'll just know that that's her role in life and how she should expect to be treated.

I agree with others that it must be difficult to realise what's happened when these behaviours creep in to your home. But then something happens to make you realise. OP, I think for you something happened to make you start this thread. Hopefully responses here have confirmed your instincts were right.

At the moment your dd thinks that this is normal. This is how she will expect men to treat her. And she will allow men to treat her children like this too.

Unless you show her, by your actions that she does not have to accept this kind of behaviour she will never learn any different.

Where do you think children get their knowledge and understanding of the world from op? They don't teach this kind of thing in schools, not on the level that she needs anyway.

If you don't teach her, who will?

You've listed five incidents of his bad behaviour towards your daughter. Five is a lot and you say there's more. I feel sad reading your post.

How does your daughter get on with her father? Is he good to her? Has your partner got any other children, how does he treat them?

Busy my heart goes out to you and your dd. You are between a rock and a hard place. Will your partner really change towards your dd if you tackle him? If not , you have to leave with two dc. That will be so hard for you. If he is so nasty to an innocent child, what will he be like when you go, taking his dc with you? I hope you have support in RL. I hope also he leaves the family home, not you, if he refuses to change and get help for his issues.
There are so many heartbreaking news stories of children being abused by new partners. Take care.

My own step-father behaved like your DP. It started with things like you describe when my younger sister, his daughter, was born. It escalated into physical and emotional abuse. My own mother did nothing.

For years I suffered from low self esteem, eating disorders, self harm and alcoholism due to the damage he caused when I was a child. He only did this to me, not his own daughter.

I have managed to piece myself back together since meeting DH but still suffer from very low self esteem. Although my step father is no longer in my life, my sister is so I have always kept it quiet that he bullied and abused me as a child.

Please OP, don't let your daughter go through that.

I see you have 2dc with this man so you will have 3 dc to protect. Somebody suggested Women's Aid. Phone them. A lot of red flags.

I was bullied and gaslighted by my dad until I was a teenager, when I was old enough to stand up for myself. No-one else stood up for me, even when the abuse continued after he'd left.

Your P is slowly eroding your DD's self confidence and making her doubt her own instincts and feelings. It is serious.

You can put a stop to it. Step in and protect her. His feelings do not take precedence over hers.

Do it now, OP. You'll be protecting your whole family in the process.

Nobody ever does fuzzy.

When there has been a significant time with no concerns and the behaviour is fairly new things when they stand alone may on the surface have lots of doubt.

Now I am not giving him excuses at all he knows what he's doing I'm just trying to explain how someone with the emotional investment no previous issues is more likely to look at it.

The dog thing, why did he do that that's weird? Perhaps he thought she wouldn't hear is there a road coming up was he scared she was going to get pulled by the dog into it did he see a car I didn't notice (I strongly expect he gave a intentional half hearted attempt to call her first to give himself an excuse as well) there are so many ways a normal person in that situation would attempt to rationalise that one.

The hallway thing is flaming obvious in your mind you think no way would he do that intentionally he must not have heard her or known she was there.

The baby thing will be put down to her neglecting the baby's needs in favour of the dd.

The pebbles will be a joke that was misguided he will probably admit that one but pass it off as a joke because that's what they do.

Perhaps a year into a relationship or one with no other children to cloud the judgement then yep most people would see it for what it is but not after that long the reason why this type of abuse works so well is by its very nature its not obvious nor is it easy to detect.even the physical aspects of it are not obvious they could easily be put down to normal accidents.

Social workers police officers and judges even find it hard to say yep that's what it is and these are people that deal with child abuse daily,and its made harder by there being no type of biological parent that is likely to fall for it.

Its something that only gets acted on when you start putting everything together and that normally takes several incidents,it does sound like the op is doing this now and it does sound like she's following the process I would expect her to and is behaving very normally for someone in this situation and no she is not a dreadful mother who is failing to protect because its taken her a few incidents to work it out its just the nature of the type of abuse. Granted she would be one and failing to protect if now she's worked it out she fails to act.

I have a horrible feeling that your 6 year old dd is being the scapegoat for the whole family (you say elsewhere your partner already has two 6/7 year olds, plus you have two younger children together). She's the one being picked on, pushed about, even really mean things like calling the dog away when she's cuddling it. She's the 'bad' one, getting told off for things she hasn't done, the repository of all your partner's stress and negativity. And- she is the only one out of the five children who isn't biologically his- see the pattern? This is very sad and needs stopping now.

Of and the baby arriving is no excuse for him,he already has children so he's done that bit before.

Your other thread says that she wants to call your 'D'P 'Daddy' because her actual father is pretty much absent.

What an absolute shower of useless men she has in her life, both of them being downright horrible to her. Way to set her up for a lifetime of issues.

You really need to put a stop to all of this now. And maybe work out why you're attracted to such unworthy men, as well.

You must be in turmoil, but you know your dd needs protection from this man. Please stand up for your dd and do the right thing by her.

I grew up with a step father that did things like this. It was horrible, and it led to the relationship between my Mum and I completely breaking down when I was a teenager. I ended up rebelling in a big way, and although I thankfully didn't end up doing any serious damage to myself with the underage drinking and drug taking, it did have an effect on my education. I left home at 17, and I will never completely forgive my Mum for allowing it to happen.

This is awful.

I feel like Im about to say something terrible, but I cant keep it in. OP I feel as though, if you stay with this person you are choosing him over your daughter.

The previous poster is right, she will think this is how males are supposed to treat girls. The thought turns my stomach.

Your poor daughter, you cannot leave this. You have to do something.

It's a no brainer op. Ltb.

Its non negotiable. He's being abusive, and he's trying to be secretive about it.

Your poor wee girl.

The hansel and gretel reference was so sad. What a cute idea but he squashed it to satisfy his jealousy.

You know you have to leave him, don't you?

Is the OP going to come back to this thread, do you think?

I wouldn't be with any man who showed the smallest bit of vindictive behaviour to my child. Simple.

Actually it sounds like the OP is on the brink of sorting it out - or at least she has realised it's wrong.

I think there's an awful lot wrong with her partner but I think - and hope - that she is already making plans to leave him.

The fact she's left the thread probably to go out, get some sleep, whatever (it was started at 2.40am) doesn't mean she doesn't care.

She probably hasn't been back yet and I'd hate her to be greeted with a massive flaming - she might miss the good advice and support people have given her.

I suspected that you may have a baby right from the beginning of your post when you say that's he's always been good with her but recently you've noticed things you don't like.

It seems quite clear to me that he's pushing DD out now he had one of his own. The two specific actions of him ignoring her talking about her day and having his back to her while playing with the baby, and then bringing baby in while you were having alone time with your elder DD really does speak volumes. He is absolutely excluding DD from the family unit.

If you won't leave this man, your daughter should live with her father.

I can only see this escalating as his own DD grows up.

Busy - it must be hard to read all of these accusations that you are a 'bad mother' :( It is hard to see what is going on when you are in the middle of it and each incident is only 'small', but when you write it all down like this, it adds up doesn't it :(

If you have two younger children than DD, why do you think it is that he has suddenly started treating her differently after the birth of the second child that is biologically his with you? Is the older one, of the younger two, a boy? Is this his first bio DD with you?

I wonder why his first marriage broke down (the truth, which may not be what he has told you).

I'm sorry to say though, that no matter why he is like he is or why things have changed, I would leave him. I could not and would not trust him to love, cherish & protect my DD and therefore I would not live with him nor subject her to. I hope you are strong enough to make this move. I know you are worried you are over reacting, but you aren't.