to think he's being mean to dd and to stand up for her?

[BusyLizzie99]

DP and I have been together since my dd was one. She's now 6. Mostly he's great with her but recently I've been seeing behaviour I don't like and feel like he's jealous of how close we are and subsequently sulking/being mean to her. Am prepared to be told I'm being over-protective though. Some examples:

If she's been at her father's he makes a point of telling her what she's missed out on here.

The other day he was looking in cupboard under stairs and dd wanted to go past as her breakfast was in the other room. She said excuse me four times but he ignored her, then when she tried to squeeze past he stuck his bum back suddenly squashing her against the wall, causing her to bump her head and cry then told her off for being impatient.

Tonight when we were arriving home from walking the dog she picked up some pebbles from the front garden and slipped them in his pocket telling him he
could use them to find his way home (been reading Hansel and Gretel) and he told her off and chucked them back outside. When she went to collect them he slammed the door shut then shook the keys to pretend he was locking it. She then knocked on the door and shouted to come in and he again moaned and told her off for 'waking the next door neighbours child'. Then I washed up and dd was telling him about her day as he'd been at work and all he replied was 'mmm' to each thing, while playing with baby dd with his back to elder dd so she was excluded.

Tonight I was reading bedtime stories to elder dd and when we'd finished I was telling her 'the story of her day' as we do sometimes. She was giggling and we were cuddling and within a minute he was there plonking baby with us so we couldn't continue.

If she's laying cuddling our dog, whom she adores, he'll call him away. When she's walking him and she goes off in front, if dp deems she's too far ahead he'll call the dog rather than dd which has caused him to pull her over a few times.

There are more I could think of but I'm getting wound up just typing it! AIBU to think he's being an absolute arse to her and to stand up for her/against him in front of her?

Pigmania the OP answered that upthread.

OP your latest posts totally 100% contradict your original post.

You've chosen him over your daughter.

Oh right ok will have to re read

I wish mn wasn't so anonymous sometimes. If I knew who you were I would be reporting you to social services.

Your op makes for horrific reading, and you know that because it made you angry to write it. Why are all those things now acceptable?

I truly hope you were exaggerating in your op and that is why you are backtracking, but you are the one that painted the picture that we have all responded to.

I agree with a pp that often posters on mn all jump on the bandwagon, and I don't like that. That is not the case here, my responses would have been the same if you had spoken to me in real life about this. What he is doing is not right, and it shouldn't be allowed to continue.

OP, if you still read: reading your post gave me goosebumps. The incident with the understairs cupboard is a massive massive red flag for me.

OP was up the stairs and she heard her DD say excuse me 4 times. This bloke then coincidentally shoved backwards at exactly the same time her DD being only 6 finally gave up waiting.

The difference with your other child and the cup is you warned them. They chose to ignore you. If they were really hurt or upset rather than an ouch I bet you would have comforted them OP.

Your poor DD I hope she tells someone who can help her.

An ice cream and lift on the shoulders is the equivilant of flowers and chocolates after a punch for the wife.

I agree with Waffling

The last 3 posts by "OP" are so aggressive and different in tone I'm almost certain they aren't written by the OP.

Either that or she has a personality disorder.

Hope you and your children are ok, OP.

OP I don't want to flame you but just to say, I loved my dad so much. I still do and he has been dead for years.

He was abusive, an emotional bully. He loved me but only with conditions and I tried desperately to please him and make him be nice - because he could be sometimes and then all was well in my world.

I don't think anyone is questioning whether your DD loves her step dad, but that does not mean living with him is the best thing for her. Love can be blind and forgiving.

Think about it.

BusyLizzie - I'd hug my child and explain that that's why I'd asked them to move. Children can be very concrete in their thinking. It's one thing explaining that there's a chance that they'll be stood on, if they're in the way, but their thought processes are going to be more like " well, don't stand on me, then" or " no one's standing on me, now, so I must be OK."

Your barometer for human interaction seems to be rather inaccurate. And so what if your DP is personable 99% of the time? Your DD is going to end up wondering when the next 1% is going to happen and she gets pushed or belittled, again.

The only acceptable amount of abuse is no abuse.

The problem here, OP, is that you won't acknowledge that what he is doing is abusive.

That's the way abusers work. If he was outright and deliberately hurting her, shouting and swearing at her, never nice to her then you would see it straight away and kick him out.

He is being clever and sneaky because he knows it's his word against a child. She doesn't have the knowledge, tools or power to deal with this. She is confused.

The only person who can make a difference here is you. You have noticed small things that are just starting to add up.

None of your three children want to be alone with him, including a baby.

All of your instincts are right. You all have a gut feeling about this man, even the baby.

This isn't going to go away by itself. That feeling inside you will grow and grow. He will become less careful and you will notice more. I think you should change your mn name, keep your children close, observe him carefully, take some time and then come back under a new name to talk about it a bit more.

There are hundreds of posters who have been where you are, or where your dd is and can offer lots of good advice. The help and support is here is you want it.

There are also other organisations who can help you - NSPCC, Women's Aid, Childline, etc.

Those last posts from you did not 'sound' like you. If someone else is posting under your name, please change your passwords and your user name.

You have described several.incidents of gratuitous unkindness on behalf of your Dp. They are not run of the mill differences in the way you and your Dp disciple her, they are examples of bullying behaviour....by your Dp towards a 6 year old.

You cannot be surprised that people have reacted strongly to this! It is upsetting to read and it is strange to most people that you didn't say anything at the time.

I don't think anyone has bullied you.

And you were the one who posted about these incidents....why are you now backtracking and trying to justify it?

I don't think these latest updates "from the OP" are actually the OP, either

OP if this is the case I hope you and your kids are safe: we can support you if you are able to come back to us in some guise in Relationships - I don't think AIBU is the best place for you to talk about this either

The only thing that will damage a child more than constant bullying at home is having a mother who won't protect her.

OP, if you are still reading, try changing your name and posting in relationships.

I have posted there about similar kinds of incidents and you will get some harsh feedback but you will also get some constructive feedback (sometimes from the same posters).

Also ask yourself why you don't stand up for your daughter in these situations. Why do you feel so bound to present the united front, why can you not defend your daughter in front of your partner.

HansieMom No, I never did tell my Mum. By the time I reached my early twenties and had realised that my childhood wasn't what it should/could have been she had become mentally ill, and there was no point upsetting her.

OP I understand you didn't expect the responses here to be as passionate as they have been, so I'll just answer your opening post simply - yes, you should stand up for your daughter when your DP is an 'arse' to her. Always.

(By the way, Hansie I namechanged slightly but this is still me - my name upthread felt a bit gross!)

This is so so sad. I can't even begin to understand the position op must bein but my child would always come first. Please op read this thread again and again. Then read it again. Then try and sort things out so your child can live a fear free life.

And also take something from Lauren's posts. She is testament to growing up in the same way your child is. Lets hope your child grows up as well balanced and strong as she is.

Thanks Cravey, that's kind of you to say

hello I'm harry and I went through pretty much the same thing with my step dad who I no longer see, he did not like me and my mum being close and seem not to understand that I was just as important to her as he was, as you say I believe it was jealousy.

my mum and step dad have not been together for 5 years and mum is coping with me and my little brother, I'm not saying leave him but for the love of god tell him not to do it because it is not nice and I'm sure that if he loves you he will understand.

Yes, this is genuinely from Ds1. He is 16 now and doing well for himself. It has taken quite a few years to get over.

The only thing he can't stop, is flinching when someone suddenly moves

It's taken me nearly all day to get to the end of the thread and I am so gutted to read your last post. I hope you are still reading. You asked for confirmation of your fear. You got it. And the reason you got it is because YOUR INSTINCTS ARE CORRECT.

Please read 'Protecting the Gift' by Gavin De Becker, which tells you how to spot predators and abusers and protect your kids.

Lizzie in the book he describes the denial you are experiencing and your P fits the description of a child abuser.

If you ignore that you are complicit in her continued abuse.

A unanimous MN verdict is rare and it means that YOU ARE RIGHT TO BE WORRIED.

I am actually shaking typing this. If you think his 'good' behaviour outweighs the abuse, you are wrong.

NOTHING makes up for this, nothing.

This is so familiar. I had a miserable childhood. Stand up for your child now, there are no options, he is abusive and will never change.

Caramel your DS1 sounds like a fine young man. I know Harry will continueto do well and hope he gets over his justifiable reactions to sudden movements. That was very hard for me to read so I can imagine it was incredibly difficult to write. You are both so brave. Good luck to all of you

Ohhh Bless Harry! You are a brave young man. I am happy your mom understood the importance of taking care of you. She sounds fabulous.
I hope BusyLizzie reads this and sees from her example that children should always come first.

Caramel I'm so glad you an Harry got out of that situation! Best of luck for the future Harry!