to think he's being mean to dd and to stand up for her?

[BusyLizzie99]

DP and I have been together since my dd was one. She's now 6. Mostly he's great with her but recently I've been seeing behaviour I don't like and feel like he's jealous of how close we are and subsequently sulking/being mean to her. Am prepared to be told I'm being over-protective though. Some examples:

If she's been at her father's he makes a point of telling her what she's missed out on here.

The other day he was looking in cupboard under stairs and dd wanted to go past as her breakfast was in the other room. She said excuse me four times but he ignored her, then when she tried to squeeze past he stuck his bum back suddenly squashing her against the wall, causing her to bump her head and cry then told her off for being impatient.

Tonight when we were arriving home from walking the dog she picked up some pebbles from the front garden and slipped them in his pocket telling him he
could use them to find his way home (been reading Hansel and Gretel) and he told her off and chucked them back outside. When she went to collect them he slammed the door shut then shook the keys to pretend he was locking it. She then knocked on the door and shouted to come in and he again moaned and told her off for 'waking the next door neighbours child'. Then I washed up and dd was telling him about her day as he'd been at work and all he replied was 'mmm' to each thing, while playing with baby dd with his back to elder dd so she was excluded.

Tonight I was reading bedtime stories to elder dd and when we'd finished I was telling her 'the story of her day' as we do sometimes. She was giggling and we were cuddling and within a minute he was there plonking baby with us so we couldn't continue.

If she's laying cuddling our dog, whom she adores, he'll call him away. When she's walking him and she goes off in front, if dp deems she's too far ahead he'll call the dog rather than dd which has caused him to pull her over a few times.

There are more I could think of but I'm getting wound up just typing it! AIBU to think he's being an absolute arse to her and to stand up for her/against him in front of her?

Leave the OP alone. This is very insidious bullying, it hasn't all happened today but built up over a period of time. The OP probably discounted a couple of things to start with as this appears out of character so was giving him the benefit of the doubt.

For example, the dog thing. I have dogs and it is instinctive to call their name to get them to stop. The first and perhaps second time it happened wouldn't have raised alarm bells. Even in isolation wouldn't have rung the alarm bell too loud, it's only when listed as a whole set of examples that it all starts to look wrong.

The Hansel & Gretal thing was very cute, but if DH is tired and grumpy he may have reacted badly - again as a one off, not a biggy.

The OP has probably been struggling with this over a few months, doubting herself, is it because DD is her PFB. She's come on here to make sure she's not overreacting and to get support. I was recently in a situation where I doubted myself, I posted on here and loads of lovely kind people said I wasn't wrong. Reading that naive post back now, I can't believe how stupid I was not to see what was going on under my nose.

OP - the answers above tell you that you need to deal with this, if you need help and not people having a go at you, can I suggest you start a new post in Relationships?

Kelly it is far from 'simple'. I suspect the OP is being bullied and manipulated as well. I do believe she should LTB but I know she will need support and help to do so, not a bunch of people on the internet telling her that breaking up her family is the simple thing to do. It is the right thing to do imo, but it will not be simple.

I very seldom comment on MN, other posters say what I think so much better than I do. I feel very sorry for what is happening to you, but seriously leave him, now, things won't get better.

Ok - forget about all the other incidents but the one with the cupboard - hand on heart, do you think he did it on purpose? I have occassionally accidentally bumped into dd (aged 3) and hurt her. Small children don't always move where you would expect them to and accidents happen. But when it happens I feel horrific - close to sick. I am usually close to tears and telling her how sorry I am long after she's negotiated extra Peppa Pig out of me and skipped off happily.

Do you think that happened here? Or do you think he hurt her on purpose?

Because if it is on purpose then that is very very serious and not him just being mean to her. That is him purposely hurting her. You can't stand up for her - you need to get her out of this violent situation.

There is nothing that I can say that hasn't already been better put. Your children must be your only consideration here. Please do something and get that man away from your little girl before he really damages her.

Has he always been like this? Or is it since your shared DC was born?

I can see how you might rationalise it initially if it is a new thing, but you do need to act for your older daughter.

Also, for me, the fact that you were lurking on the landing watching (also that you don't leave her with him) implies that you have greater concerns than you have posted.

The fact that you would have to ask whether this is acceptable or not tells me you have no functioning barometer to measure his behaviour.

Forgive me, but this suggests you either have been, or are being, manipulated without even realising it. Having doubts about something as obviously wrong as this tells me you've been trampled on before by someone, if not this man, and still doubt your own judgement. But don't. Your unease is a protective mechanism and must not be ignored.

Your daughter will know that she is being ill-treated, even if she can't put it into words. The damage will be HUGE to her little life. Self doubt, lack of self worth, fear, forced to 'hide' what is happening to her, all of these things will get worse as time goes on.

Rejection is hard for anyone to deal with, especially from a parent. Especially for a 6 year old girl.

She does not have the tools to defend herself, but you do. You're her Mum, her provider and protector, and IT IS YOUR JOB. Please do not let her down as, if you don't rescue her, she will spend her entire adult life trying to undo the damage.

The thing is, its hard if you allow people to treat you like a doormat, to stop them treating your children that way. I see this so many times; a parent can't or won't defend themselves (because they haven't dealt with their own damages maybe?) and so chose the same life for their children.

The fact he does it when he thinks you're not looking says an awful lot. The fact he can do this at all is disturbing, and I bet you're thinking about all his "nice" sides which confuse you? It's so stereotypical but please, if you don't believe what everyone is saying, get yourself some counselling to obtain an independent view from a professional.

You are the only person who can stop this awful behaviour to your daughter.

You know it's not right, you know he's being a prick mean, so now you need to do something about it. Good luck, I have a feeling it won't go smoothly as he sounds delightful :(

Mrs zoid, there are a couple of things that op has stated, that do signal red flags e.g lock inner out and dangling the Keyes in front of her. Ignoring her when dd aid excuse me, then when sh went past sticking his bum out sothat she fell over and bumped her head, telling her off for it! Does not sound accidental to me, no different to sticking your foot out when someone is walking and triping them up!

This man does not sound like he likes op dd very much at all, op behaviour does seem very complacent. I hope that she is reading the responses and taking them in. I really hope she does something about it, this man is bad news

Op has said that's he would not leave him alone with her, big clanging alarm bells tbh. Either he would physically or emotionally hurt her that op can't trust him. Op I really hope your getting help and making steps to leave this idiot

This thread is very disturbing.

I am not going to rehash all the good points the others have made.

But, your dp is pulling rank on your dd in a very sinister way.

Like the Top Dog, he is showing your dd that even the dog she loves, is under his command. She can cuddle it at his will, and call the dog away as the dog will listen to his commander, not her. Even the dog prefer him to her. This way excluding her from the relationship with the dog, and showing in her face the relationship HE has with the dog.

He is excluding her, keeping his back to her, showing her that only New Baby matters. He is flaunting his relationship with the New Baby in her face.

He is delighting in telling her how much fun life is when SHE is not around, when she is at her dad, she is properly excluded, and he cant stop talking to her about it.

He wont listen to what SHE has to say.

He has barricaded her from the house.

He is gas-lighting her.

He is showing her how easily he can hurt her, even with mother in the house. As mother is also under his command, like a submissive dog.

Think about that.

Your dp is an animal. An abusive animal who is telling your daughter he does not want her there, in any obvious and non-obvious way he wants.

He has already started being physical with her.

What if he escalates?

What if she tells school? (I hope she does)

your poor daughter you need to protect her from this bully

I think if someone could define gaslighting in simple terms (I'm not 100% sure myself although I think I know what it is) it may help the OP. Because I'm pretty sure he's doing it to her too, although she may not recognise it as such...

QuintessentialOldDear that's a brilliant, albeit very sad post. I agree with every word .

Busy if you read no other post please read Quintessential's post.

OP please keep this man away from your child.

Quint has said basically what I was not able to say. Op you need to get your family away from this abusive controlling bully. Please contact woman's aid and they can help

Gaslighting - I hope this makes sense - is when someone is abusive but somehow twists the abuse around to wrong foot you and/or make it out it's your fault.

Gaslighting

This all sounds very familiar. Is this the same child who has selective mutism?
If it is the same OP, how much more abuse are you going to let this child endure?

Apologies if I've got it wrong.

OP has your daughter's behaviour changed recently too? Does she wet the bed or tantrum or has she become withdrawn or started acting up in any way? Have the school spoken to your at all about any change in her behaviour?

I'm going to tell you about my DH.

My FIL treated my husband this way. Everything was fine til his bio child was born then he literally told DH "I don't need you, I have my own child now". DH was 6. His behavior worsened until DH became so insecure he slept with a baseball bat next to his bed as FIL felt able to act as he pleased with all members of the household, and because noone ever challenged him, even started being like that with those outside the home. MIL never left him because she made a thousand excuses. She apologises to DH frequently, she should have left him, she was a terrible mother, and DH now ignores the apologies. His relationship is frosty at best with her, and mine is non-existent. I refuse to have anything to do with him, or her as she never stopped him. I don't want MY kids being subjected to that, as I've seen him treat her (and me) pretty badly. The one time I argued back he didn't speak to me for 2 years and I was pretty miffed when he decided he wanted to reconcile as my life had been so stress free without them.

Please consider what effect this will have on your DD in the future and the effect it will have on your relationship with her and any future inlaws. DH is such a people pleaser and will agree to almost anything to avoid people disliking him or causing an argument. He almost glows when people compliment him, but has a hard time believing they mean it. His self worth has been at zero and we've worked so hard to raise it.

I don't say this to upset you or anything, but please deal with this now before it gets to the point where my DH is at. You don't have to leave him if it can be sorted, but DO point out you've seen it and if he denies it, then you need to think about this gas lighting behavior as pointed out above.

Ah, x post with Chipped

I suspected there must be some sign in the child.

Hi, OP back.

The incidents/behaviour listed are all in the space of a couple of months - posters are right when they say thatafter aalmost 6 good years of relationships with me and him and him and dd its been like a bolt out of the blue and I've felt like I've blown things out of proportion. Calling the dog back for example, can be excused by saying the dog listens more than dd. The cupboard thing can be excused by her squeezing past/him being clumsy (which he is) etc. It's only all together that I don't like what I'm seeing. Dd isn't scared of him, she loves him but she's confused by his recent behaviour too. Yesterday with the pebbles incident he'd had a 12 hour day at work so probably was tired and grumpy but IMO it isn't up to a six year to take that into account and modify her behaviour accordingly. He has began the behaviour since our baby became more interactive but it's like he's jealous of my relationship with the kids because he wants my attention which he's obviously getting less of with the baby. He is good to his own children but has made comments in the past which I've pulled him up on. For example, dd started calling him daddy at about 3 (copying his children) though she knows she isn't biologically his. Despite him liking her calling him it he said a few times when she didn't want help/asked for help respectively 'i can do, I've got two kids of my own you know' and 'mummy will do it, I'm sorting my two out.' He's never said anything like this since our children have been born though. I do think it's an 'asserting power' thing as he has little say over his first children who are undisciplined and he likes being able to tell dd what to do and that she listens. Mostly he follows what I'd do but it's only been in the past couple of months that he's been too harsh/rejecting in my opinion. I'm not defending him at all and have absolutely no qualms leaving if it's best for dd - her wellbeing and my relationship with her is a million times more important than mine with dp but he is very much a father figure to her and she loves him very much - she even makes him cards after a few days away with work because she misses him. She would behheartbroken if he left. I will be speaking to him about his behaviour. He has said in the past to ensure I tell him if I feel that he's treating dd differently to the others and I'm sure he'll be mortified to find out I'm furious about his behaviour.

No Chipped and Fair - not her. She hasn't changed behaviour, just feels confused as his mood never used to be unpredictable as it has been recently.

As a barometer - imagine your daughters grandparents, teachers and GP witnessed all of this - how would you feel about it then? If it would make you uncomfortable and want to hide it, then there lies your answer.

It's only a matter of time before someone does find out that you're allowing this to happen to a vulnerable child.

Its a less extreme example of what we hear on the news time and time again - Mum allows partner to do what he likes to her children and fails to step in to be their protector.

You ALWAYS have a choice.

Do you really need to ask? He's being an absolute arsehole - and if he was to treat my children like that, he'd have been ripped an extra one of those by now.