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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think he's being mean to dd and to stand up for her?

344 replies

BusyLizzie99 · 22/07/2013 02:40

DP and I have been together since my dd was one. She's now 6. Mostly he's great with her but recently I've been seeing behaviour I don't like and feel like he's jealous of how close we are and subsequently sulking/being mean to her. Am prepared to be told I'm being over-protective though. Some examples:

If she's been at her father's he makes a point of telling her what she's missed out on here.

The other day he was looking in cupboard under stairs and dd wanted to go past as her breakfast was in the other room. She said excuse me four times but he ignored her, then when she tried to squeeze past he stuck his bum back suddenly squashing her against the wall, causing her to bump her head and cry then told her off for being impatient.

Tonight when we were arriving home from walking the dog she picked up some pebbles from the front garden and slipped them in his pocket telling him he
could use them to find his way home (been reading Hansel and Gretel) and he told her off and chucked them back outside. When she went to collect them he slammed the door shut then shook the keys to pretend he was locking it. She then knocked on the door and shouted to come in and he again moaned and told her off for 'waking the next door neighbours child'. Then I washed up and dd was telling him about her day as he'd been at work and all he replied was 'mmm' to each thing, while playing with baby dd with his back to elder dd so she was excluded.

Tonight I was reading bedtime stories to elder dd and when we'd finished I was telling her 'the story of her day' as we do sometimes. She was giggling and we were cuddling and within a minute he was there plonking baby with us so we couldn't continue.

If she's laying cuddling our dog, whom she adores, he'll call him away. When she's walking him and she goes off in front, if dp deems she's too far ahead he'll call the dog rather than dd which has caused him to pull her over a few times.

There are more I could think of but I'm getting wound up just typing it! AIBU to think he's being an absolute arse to her and to stand up for her/against him in front of her?

OP posts:
EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 22/07/2013 06:12

Spiteful is the word. It's hard to u dear stand a grown adult being spiteful towards a little child but he is. I hope he responds well when you talk to him about it, but I'm not convinced. Sorry.

MissMarplesBloomers · 22/07/2013 06:18

How old is he ??!!!

FFS that's schoolground type bullying but even more worrying as HE is supposedly the adult!

I bet my last fiver if you confront him about this he'll gaslight youb too.

glenthebattleostrich · 22/07/2013 06:24

From the sounds of it he has started this since your baby arrived.

I think I would ask him how you feel when your next partner starts this with his child. Because the way he is behaving towards your older child there will be a next partner.

Talk to him, give him a set time to change his behaviour and seek help changing it and I do think that you need to be prepared to ltb if necessary. Both your children need to grow up equally valued and loved.

Finola1step · 22/07/2013 06:24

Busy, a child I work with is in a very similar situation to your daughter. She is now 10 with zero self esteem, poor academic achievment and is do desperate for affection from the male in her life, that I fear for her future and safety. Social services are heavily involved.

You must get your daughter out of this horrid and dangerous situation. Your so called partner is an abusive bully.

If I was your dd's father, I would be looking for increased contact, shared residency or in fact, sole residency to get her away from this horrible man.

You have to choose.

Morgause · 22/07/2013 06:28

Spot on fuzzywuzzy sinister is the exact word.

Hissy · 22/07/2013 06:36

Dear God! Your poor little girl.

5 years. That's all it's taken for him to do this, 5. That's nothing in terms of a life time.

What's he going to be doing to your DD in another 5, or 10 years?

My mother never stood, or even stands up for me. The kind of behaviour I've had to put up with is literally heartbreaking.

I've spoken to her about it, and she just denies it. Our relationship is now fairly terminal.

Don't allow this to continue happening to your DD. The sooner you stop this, the sooner she can start to recover and heal.

I think you should tell this vile man to go. Today. Quietly, calmly and without throttling him anger.

This situation can't continue. You can't let all this happen to your DD.

Chottie · 22/07/2013 06:37

Please, please do not allow this behaviour to continue.

What has suddenly changed to make your DH behave like this? It is bullying, controlling behaviour. Your DD is a little girl who needs to feel safe and secure with all the adults in her life. Please do not leave her alone with him.

Longtalljosie · 22/07/2013 06:43

Your first responsibility is to your daughter. You do know that, right? Don't kid yourself it won't affect her - a schoolfriend of mine - superbright, beautiful, charismatic - has had a series of dead-end jobs and horrible boyfriends after having an appalling stepfather.

ArtemisiaGentileschisThumb · 22/07/2013 06:45

Hi op your post made me really sad because it reminded me of me and my stepdad when I was about 5 or 6. he would treat me in this way, clearly favouring my little brother who was his and making me feel like a nuisance. It chipped away at my self esteem and made me feel pushed out of the family. Please don't let this go on, it will be affecting her more than she is showing. Xxx

Vivacia · 22/07/2013 06:47

Hell. I wonder what he does when he knows you're not in the house.

thegreylady · 22/07/2013 06:51

This is an appalling series of incidents. She is only 6 and every day she is being , not just disregarded, but rejected and demoralised b'y someone who is supposed to love her. This will escalate if you don't do something soon. As for the baby think of the example she is being set by her dad's treatment of her sister. If he won't make a massive effort to change you will have to seriously consider whether this man has a place in your lives.

Zazzles007 · 22/07/2013 06:53

Absolutely Josie and Artemisia. Although I was raised by my biological 'parents', I suffered from the sort of abuse described by the OP growing up. It is really difficult as an adult to reach your full potential, when your childhood is marked by this sort of treatment.

OP your poor little girl sounds absolutely lovely. Her very being is squashed by your P, before she is even old enough to know who she is. What sort of 'man' does that to a defenseless child? Sad

littlestressy · 22/07/2013 06:59

He is a bully. To your 6 yo daughter. You have to step in now and protect your daughter before it gets worse and worse. From what you said I am worried that the way he speaks to her and treats her sounds like emotional abuse.

Sister77 · 22/07/2013 07:00

This has made me cry.
Your poor defenceless baby. And she is defenceless because you haven't done anything to protect her.
Take the advice given and confront him but tbh I wouldn't stay with someone who had the "potential" to treat my kids like this I wouldn't give him any chance to harm my babies. He's malicious and spiteful.
And IME he won't change the behaviour will go "undercover"

Carolra · 22/07/2013 07:05

I wouldn't let my dd spend another day in this man's company. He either changes immediately or he'd be out. No fannying around whilst he tried to behave better. Your dd is SIX YEARS OLD, he's a grown man, Jesus wept. Your job is to keep her safe, so yes, you need to do something. Today. Immediately.

And once he's promised to change you need to watch him like a hawk cause he'll probably just feel even more resentful to your dd and will work harder to hide his behaviour.

Sorry OP, but I think you have some tough decisions in your future...

Wishfulmakeupping · 22/07/2013 07:06

He is bullying your child- your child
Fo something now to get him away from her this is so cruel I can't even believed you asked

ll31 · 22/07/2013 07:11

So the only person your dd has to rely on is letting her be bullied to the extent if being physically hurt and is just wondering if she should intervene.....

Your dd deserves better than you.

Original poster
BusyLizzie99 · 22/07/2013 07:11

Got to get ready for school but just wanted to thank youfor rresponses - keep them coming please. And set minds at rest - I never go out and leave them alone.

OP posts:
CalamityJones · 22/07/2013 07:12

You're worried that you're being over-protective?

No. Really, no.

gingerchick · 22/07/2013 07:13

I am in tears reading this, your poor poor little girl I have a six year old, how have you stood by and allowed this to happen! Any man who can be that cruel and heartless is not someone I would be sharing my bed with, also the fact your little girl has been unable to tell you these
things is very very worrying to me, this man is abusing your daughter and there is nothing he can say which would make me think any better of him, I would say get him away from your children and stop
this but seeing as you have watched this and done nothing I can see that you have chosen your man over your daughter
Shame on you

ArtemisiaGentileschisThumb · 22/07/2013 07:13

I really don't want to see you get a flaming for this op, I know it can be difficult to see the long term, bigger picture when you're in the middle of a situation like this and i think youve made a positive move by reaching out and asking for advice. the fact that you have concerns and have voiced them speaks volumes about how worried you are.

I'm afraid I have to agree that this situation will probably escalate and even if it doesn't the damage done to your little girl will be profound and have lasting affects. You must do what you think is best but please do what is best for your daughter first, before yourself and before your partner. Even if you love him very much it's not worth damaging your daughter over. Good luck and please keep us up dated xx

Finola1step · 22/07/2013 07:14

This thread has really disturbed me. The fact that you have watched and not intervened (the cupboard and dig pulling incidents), the fact that you have to come on to a forum and ask, and for you to ask this in AIBU!

Unreasonable? To stand up for your six year old child? Unreasonable? You need a bloody good shake OP.

I will give you a verbal shake OP. it is only a matter of time. At the m

Morloth · 22/07/2013 07:16

Well there you go.

You have a man in your house who you can't trust alone with your child.

Tells you everything you need to know.

I can walk out the door safe in the knowledge that my kids are as loved and safe with DH as they are with me.

Get rid.

You owe your daughter that.

Mama1980 · 22/07/2013 07:17

What a utter bastard! I never say this but seriously you've got to leave him, your daughter cannot absolutely cannot continue to be subjected to this. It's bullying of a defenceless child.
I'm not going to flame you I can understand that sometimes it's difficult to see things clearly when you are so close to a situation but please read this thread, and act now.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 22/07/2013 07:17

I'm with absolutely everybody else. It's despicable of you to allow him to behave this way to your daughter (and where does he get off, bullying a baby?!) I also have the feeling that I've read something similar before- have you posted on this subject previously? If so, why are you still allowing it to happen?

Your children should come first, before any "d"p who is on the scene. I feel so sorry for her.