Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think he's being mean to dd and to stand up for her?

344 replies

BusyLizzie99 · 22/07/2013 02:40

DP and I have been together since my dd was one. She's now 6. Mostly he's great with her but recently I've been seeing behaviour I don't like and feel like he's jealous of how close we are and subsequently sulking/being mean to her. Am prepared to be told I'm being over-protective though. Some examples:

If she's been at her father's he makes a point of telling her what she's missed out on here.

The other day he was looking in cupboard under stairs and dd wanted to go past as her breakfast was in the other room. She said excuse me four times but he ignored her, then when she tried to squeeze past he stuck his bum back suddenly squashing her against the wall, causing her to bump her head and cry then told her off for being impatient.

Tonight when we were arriving home from walking the dog she picked up some pebbles from the front garden and slipped them in his pocket telling him he
could use them to find his way home (been reading Hansel and Gretel) and he told her off and chucked them back outside. When she went to collect them he slammed the door shut then shook the keys to pretend he was locking it. She then knocked on the door and shouted to come in and he again moaned and told her off for 'waking the next door neighbours child'. Then I washed up and dd was telling him about her day as he'd been at work and all he replied was 'mmm' to each thing, while playing with baby dd with his back to elder dd so she was excluded.

Tonight I was reading bedtime stories to elder dd and when we'd finished I was telling her 'the story of her day' as we do sometimes. She was giggling and we were cuddling and within a minute he was there plonking baby with us so we couldn't continue.

If she's laying cuddling our dog, whom she adores, he'll call him away. When she's walking him and she goes off in front, if dp deems she's too far ahead he'll call the dog rather than dd which has caused him to pull her over a few times.

There are more I could think of but I'm getting wound up just typing it! AIBU to think he's being an absolute arse to her and to stand up for her/against him in front of her?

OP posts:
Jan49 · 22/07/2013 07:22

It sounds like he's now got his own biological child with you and no longer wants the children that aren't 'his'. Angry I think you know what you have to do. I'm sorry. Sad

Finola1step · 22/07/2013 07:22

Stupid phone! Posted too soon!

It is verbal, emotional and now physical abuse. What happens next OP? What happens when your dd hits puberty?

Other people will start noticing. I hope this thread outs you in rl. I hope someone makes the call to ss. If I knew you, I wouldn't hesitate to make that call.

Get rid of this horrible man. There is no excusing his behaviour. You have to do something OP.

No one is going to come in this thread and say that YABU. No one. How can you even ask?

iamadoozermum · 22/07/2013 07:26

OP - I think the others are right in that you need to say something to him but I do think some are being harsh in their assessment of you.

I can see that from your position if you were to tackle him on many of these things at the time, he would be able to give an explanation for his behaviour that would sound reasonable e.g. I thought the baby would like to join in cuddles with mummy and big sister or She needed to know I don't like pebbles in my pocket and we were playing at pretending to be locked out.

You also don't want to rock the boat, give him the benefit of the doubt because he'd behaved nicely to her up to this point and I suspect there are also positive feelings towards him about the fact he got together with you and was prepared to look after DD as well. You may also feel that now you have a DD with him too that you need to try to keep the family together.

It is the pattern though that you have noticed and you are right to be concerned. Forget what you have/haven't done up til now, that's gone and can't be changed. The question for you to consider is what do you do now, what do you need to happen and how can you make sure that it happens? What reaction do you expect from him and what happens if he has a different reaction?

probablyhadenough · 22/07/2013 07:29

You have taken the first step OP by questioning his behaviour - ok so that seems too little to many on here but it is hard to see the wood for the trees when you are closely involved.

But written down there is no doubt - your instincts are correct and he is abusing and bullying a small child. You now need to stand up for her 100% and let him know you are aware of his bullying and do not tolerate it. Be careful though because I would predict that he may ramp up the abuse if he feels you are defending her over him.

Good luck

attheendoftheday · 22/07/2013 07:34

Horrible things to do to a little girl. You need to challenge him every time, and if he can't start behaving decently I'd be thinking about your relationship. Your poor little girl!

probablyhadenough · 22/07/2013 07:35

P.S. just out of interest, did he have a crap childhood OP? Not an excuse for his behaviour - and you still need to stop it - but I know someone who behaves a bit like this to his biological daughter and I think it is partly envy and hurt. He is jealous - his daughter (or SD here) has an available, loving mother, v different from his own - and happy situations trigger behaviour like this.

lunar1 · 22/07/2013 07:39

Never leave your dd with this vile man again. I've is a bully and abusive and will only hide it better after you confront him. He can never be trusted.

TwasBrillig · 22/07/2013 07:41

My real dad was like this. I don't think he's got a clue how horrid it is, he sees it as teasing and I hated it as a kid. He also can ignore me regularly. As a kid I lived with him and he'd get up after I went to school and watch tv all night. In his case he'd be horrified to be accused of being abusive (pillar of society and all that) he simply knows no different and has a mental blank about a lot of things. I've wondered if he's on the spectrum (as he can't seem to understand others' perspectives or feelings, I know its a separate concern to bullying).

Anyway although in my case I don't think dad had a clue how much his belittling and bullying affected me it really really really did. I've underachieved as an adult, and have a crippling low self esteem. And a number of other issues I'm only realising now.

Please intervene. I know how normal it can seem when you're in the situation but its so damaging. 'no that's cru each time and comfort your daughter. el.

Finola1step · 22/07/2013 07:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

chickensaladagain · 22/07/2013 07:45

You know you need to stop this behaviour, you must have known you were going to get this reaction on AIBU rather than the relationships thread so I'm wondering why you posted here?

Does he tell you that you have imagined things? Put spin on things so you aren't sure what is true? Does he tell you you won't cope with 2 dcs?

Why don't you leave your 6 yo with her stepfather -wont he have her? She doesn't want to be left? You don't trust him?

If he is bullying your child under your nose the chances are you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and it's very easy to minimise individual incidents, but writing it all down -you can see what you need to do!

ll31 · 22/07/2013 07:47

He doesn'tneed to be alone with her op. He can bully and hurt her without any problem when you're there, colluding by not intervening.

Finola1step · 22/07/2013 07:47

Have reported my own post. Save you the hassle.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 22/07/2013 07:48

And set minds at rest - I never go out and leave them alone.

Wow. Really...?

Why?

Exactly how bad is he...?

This does't 'set my mind at rest'. It makes me think things are even worse than you're saying.

ChristineDaae · 22/07/2013 07:52

Only read the first few posts, but stop biting your tongue, he's being an absolute dick to your child. Has this all started since 'his own' DD came along?

womblingalong · 22/07/2013 07:59

Please please do something OP. remove your DD from this man now. You have had a unanimous reaction, he is abusing her, and it will, or has already escalated.

Your duty is to protect her. Now.

ButchCassidy · 22/07/2013 08:00

This made me so sadHmm
Your poor DD. He sounds a nasty bully.

blondieminx · 22/07/2013 08:01

I think you know in your heart of hearts that what he is doing is really wrong, but he has chipped away at your confidence too Sad

You need to get yourself and your children away from this vile abusive bully. Pronto, before things get any worse for your poor DD.

Call women's aid for advice, please. Do it today.

mypussyiscalledCaramel · 22/07/2013 08:04

My ds1 was in a similar situation to your daughter. He was slightly older, but that's not the point.

My Xoh was undermining his confidence and the first time IT knew was when ds1 cowered in a corner of the kitchen, afraid that his stepdad MIGHT hit him.

If I ever saw anything after that I pulled my x up on it and also encouraged my son to stand up to him.

My x always asked me why I could tell ds off but he couldn't, my reply was always that I told him of for good reasons.

Unfortunately I didn't see the light until he hit ds2 ( 2 at the time) hard enough to leave a large red hand print on his leg, for nicking a bag of flour and playing with it in the garden.

Ds2 is now 16 and last year he told me why he wet the bed until he was 12. It was because he was terrified of what his stepdad would do if he came out of his room Sad

Ds2 is 8 and hasn't seen his dad since he was 3.

Since then no man has got away with anything like that.

You need to remove yourself and your girls from this situation asap, he will not change, take it from someone who knows. He may even make promises and threats.

My x tried to commit suicide, I discovered him because he wasn't answering his phones, I had a bee in my bonnet about something. Put the boys in the car and went over to his.

To this day, as harsh as it sounds, I bitterly regret finding him. He put us through another 6 months of shit because IT gave him another chance.Sad Sad

livinginwonderland · 22/07/2013 08:04

Leave him. Your daughter deserves SO much better and by staying with him, you're telling her that you think it's okay for her to be treated her like that.

BeckAndCall · 22/07/2013 08:07

So you're trying not to undermine him, OP, by staying out of it?

When your DD grows up, don't be surprised if she hates you for not being there for her and protecting her when she has no one else.

GingerBlondecat · 22/07/2013 08:13

OP, Sweetie, You don't need to worry about leaving him alone with her.

He IS ABUSING her, RIGHT IN FRONT of YOU

Eyesunderarock · 22/07/2013 08:18

All this and you are not challenging him to explain why?
She's 6 and has no one that loves her enough to put her interests and happiness first?
It's a litany of low-level, continuous bullying of a child by an adult, and you are doing nothin but observing?

'I've been trying not to undermine him if he's decided she's doing something she shouldn't (like pebbles in pocket)'
No, that's normal behaviour by a child, playing H&G as you mentioned.

Both the adults in this scenario come out badly, he is being actively unkind and territorial, putting her in her place at the bottom of the heap. And you are allowing this to happen. Two inadequate parents, poor child. Why are you doing nothing?

mypussyiscalledCaramel · 22/07/2013 08:20

It's not as simple as 'all you have to do is.......'

I went down the route of taking my boys with me when I went out.

I rang social services because I was so unsure. He was also EA on me.

When I realised I wasn't powerless, I casually mentioned, one day that if we split up I would be entitled to stay in the house.

He replied he would rather see me dead first. That was when I started looking for somewhere else to live.

Shortly after that I had a kind of mental breakdown and moved in with my Mum (with my boys).

WinningBread · 22/07/2013 08:20

The fact that you don't ever leave her alone with him speaks volumes.

You must know this is unacceptable behaviour.

It needs to stop. If things improve a little, that is not enough. It is damaging and needs to stop completely. If he is able to improve drastically, then maybe your daughter will be ok. My fear is that he won't.

This is not only damaging for her, but also for your other child. Witnessing bullying and abusive behaviour has a huge effect on young children.

You can't trust him now and you know that. You need ti keep her safe.

pigletmania · 22/07/2013 08:21

My goodness op he sounds really nasty, your dd comes first I would seriously dump him. He is bullying your dd, whyndontbyou intervene when you see something happen?