to think he's being mean to dd and to stand up for her?

[BusyLizzie99]

DP and I have been together since my dd was one. She's now 6. Mostly he's great with her but recently I've been seeing behaviour I don't like and feel like he's jealous of how close we are and subsequently sulking/being mean to her. Am prepared to be told I'm being over-protective though. Some examples:

If she's been at her father's he makes a point of telling her what she's missed out on here.

The other day he was looking in cupboard under stairs and dd wanted to go past as her breakfast was in the other room. She said excuse me four times but he ignored her, then when she tried to squeeze past he stuck his bum back suddenly squashing her against the wall, causing her to bump her head and cry then told her off for being impatient.

Tonight when we were arriving home from walking the dog she picked up some pebbles from the front garden and slipped them in his pocket telling him he
could use them to find his way home (been reading Hansel and Gretel) and he told her off and chucked them back outside. When she went to collect them he slammed the door shut then shook the keys to pretend he was locking it. She then knocked on the door and shouted to come in and he again moaned and told her off for 'waking the next door neighbours child'. Then I washed up and dd was telling him about her day as he'd been at work and all he replied was 'mmm' to each thing, while playing with baby dd with his back to elder dd so she was excluded.

Tonight I was reading bedtime stories to elder dd and when we'd finished I was telling her 'the story of her day' as we do sometimes. She was giggling and we were cuddling and within a minute he was there plonking baby with us so we couldn't continue.

If she's laying cuddling our dog, whom she adores, he'll call him away. When she's walking him and she goes off in front, if dp deems she's too far ahead he'll call the dog rather than dd which has caused him to pull her over a few times.

There are more I could think of but I'm getting wound up just typing it! AIBU to think he's being an absolute arse to her and to stand up for her/against him in front of her?

So there's your answer to your question OP.
No YANBU to stand up for your daughter against an abusive man.

YABU to do bugger all and watch her being harassed on a regular basis.

'Shortly after that I had a kind of mental breakdown and moved in with my Mum (with my boys).'

Good job your mother was there for you when you needed her MPICC, even though you were an independent adult.

So op what are you going to do about it? Are you going to put a man above your dd? Seriously if you don't do something tan you will be responsible for helping to screw up your dd life!

My mums partner did this. The consequences for my youngest brother SIX years on is awful.

leave him now. Ill tell you this. Talking to him won't make it better. It'll make him smarter, more sly and secretive about it.

You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone you cannot leave your child with. You are as much a problem as he is. Please don't be a woman who prioritises their man over their children.

He doesn't need her now he's got a baby of his own, does he?

How can you stand by and watch this happen?
Confront him, pull him up on it, be aware of what sweetsummerlove has said about the behaviour then becoming secretive.

And tell him that if it continues, he's out.

I thought I remembered you from another thread, a month ago, about your DD calling your partner daddy.
Read that thread again, and then this one, and think about the emotional abuse and the manipulation your child is enduring.

But then I wouldn't quietly watch as he abused my child either, the first time would be the last

Rubbish.

You would do what everybody else who had been in a 6 year relationship with no other issues would do. Question and try to rationalise exactly what happened and what you saw,its why low level emotional abuse goes unnoticed before it turns into worse emotional abuse.

But op emotional abuse this is and it is your responsibility to prevent it.

Exactly, pixie.

So she needs to be asking him about specific incidents, and why he's reacting like this to her DD. He has two other daughters (not with the OP) the same age as the DD, so is he treating them differently too?
He needs to see that it isn't funny, acceptable or reasonable.

It seems pretty clear to me that he has his own child now and doesn't need yours. Even without any abusive behaviour, that in itself is a hideous situation for a child to be in. I know because it happened to me.

I'm not going to flame you. I think people are being harsh because they want you to open your eyes. But they should be well and truly open after 5 pages of unequivocal comments - so what are you going to do about it?

Op were you bullied yourself by one of your parents? Or did you watch your father bully your mother?

If you did, it means you may on one level see this is normal - you say it makes you angry but you are accepting it as well.

It might be hard for you to recognise just how damaging his behaviour is - you have to protect your daughter above all else - it is hard for you I imagine to read this thread and see what people say.

Could you talk to a friend or close family about your worries ? It is also worth calling a group like women's aid.

As someone else said - think about how he will treat her when you are not there.

DH's step dad did this to him once his younger brother was born, culminating in him throwing DH out when he was 16. MIL regrets letting it get to that stage to this day. The bloke walked out when BIL was about 4. BIL & his dad started building their relationship over the last couple of years, BIL going out to visit him & vice versa. Then his dad's girlfriend had a baby. Guess what's happened again?

I actually would pixie, I'm not allowing anyone to harm my children, I would not stand by silently and watch as a partner knocked my child over by calling the dog back, I would not stand by and watch as he ignored my child when she was saying excuse me to get by, it would not go to squashing her and banging her head against the wall, I would tell him to move when he ignored her spoken request.

These aren't actually small things, they're pretty big as they're being meted out to a baby she's six, I'd be wrong footed if it was directed at me personally but not my child.

You might not, but to me the second my child was harmed (and this is being harmed), he'd be out. No second chances because all the navel gazing is giving him more time to harm this child.

OP knows something isn't right, she's never left her children alone with this man. There must be alarm bells ringing all over the place for her. LISTEN to them.

What a disgusting man treating a child like this.

You chose to be in this relationship. Your child had no choice.

You need to protect and nurture this child from a man who is progressively becoming more abusive.

If you do not you will be as responsible and I hope someone else makes the decision to protect her.

Would she be better with her father rather than living with this man?

OP I could write pages filled with the worrying things it sounds like your P has done to stop you being confident enough to stand up for your DD.

But I think the priority here is your DD. I think you need to talk to her. Take her out and ask her if anything in her life makes her worried, scared or sad. Tell her you want her to be honest, that nothing she says can make you angry or think she's lying. Tell her no one (you could even say "including mummy or any other family member") should ever make her feel unloved or frightened.

Even if she doesn't open up and talk about your P I'm sure hearing this from you will help her feel valued.

And your P needs to know that your DC come first and if you don't see an immediate and drastic change then you will remove yourself and DD from his life.personally I think he's had enough chances but if you want to give him one more then you'll need to be hawk eyed and extremely untrusting until not only his behaviour changes but the very way he feels about your DD.

In fact would you consider family or couples counselling?

it's not just emotional abuse either (nto that thats not bad enough), it's also physically abusive, banging her head agniastthe wall, knocoking her over, locking her out of the house, it will only escalate if you don't stop it.

I am appalled that a mother could stand by and watch her child be treated in this way! He is a bully and is abusing your child.

This is like something that happened to someone extremely close to me growing up. Her step dad was like this, mother didn't do much. When she turned 14 the truth came out- he had been sexually abusing the child since she was 6. He was sent to jail, The mother took a breakdown as she blamed herself, turned to alcohol and in the end got all her children taken off her. The 14 yo victim was already very damaged, the other children (The abusers biological children) ended up with their daddy in prison and taken off their mummy. Such a tragedy.

I am not saying he IS sexually abusing her- however he is definitely physically and emotionally abusing her. And I find it appalling that you are standing back and watching this. I think your mothering instinct needs to kick in and you NEED to go and protect your daughter. She is 6 FGS!!

OP, I'm sorry some people are flaming you, it is much more difficult to sort something like this out in your head when you are in the middle of it. Its why people often don't realise their partner is abusive until it is too late.

This is not too late, you can stop this now and you must.

It will be very difficult and I'm sorry you and your children have to go through this but it is not your fault. You have done the right thing by asking for advice.

Why did his first relationship break down OP?
I'm wondering if he's done this before.

It is like being a frog in a pot of water.

The frog doesn't notice as the water heats up and eventually boils.

This is where MN is really very useful, I know we get flack for being all LTB.

But an OP is usually at the boiling point when they post, and the posters of MN haven't been subject to the gradual, undermining abuse so can see it for what it is.

There is no excuse for being cruel to a little kid, there just isn't.

I don't think op is standing by. I just think it takes a while for the wool to slip from your eyes. Then you wonder if your seeing things straight - did you imagine it?! Then surely you think your right but don't want to upset things and finally you get to asking someone if your mad or is this real - like here- and the op gets a mouthful. Some posters need to preview comments before posting, IMO.

Op unfortunately I think he's fallen for his own child and now sees a distance he didn't before with your dd. that may not alter. He may not know its happening. He may know damn well what he's doing. Unless you broach the subject you can do nothing. You have to talk.

And next time you see something mention it immediately. You will be called a nag but you need to stand up for both dcs now.

Best of luck.

Do the right thing, op. Come back for support and help. It's clear that you need to prioritise your dds safety and wellbeing.

You have to start calling him on each and every thing you notice. Pull him to one side and have a word.

The way he reacts will tell you everything you need to know and he needs to be told that if it carrys on then your relationship may get into trouble.

Poor thing.. bullied in her own house.

I'm not going to repeat or condone what Finola said but I can see why she said it...I think you do know it's wrong though and I think, I HOPE to God you're going to do something about it.

Just imagine OP the feeling of power you and dd will have if you stand together and say to him, NO we are not putting up with your bullying, nasty, abusive behaviour any more.

You will feel so much better. Mosty importantly your dd will be reassured that her mother actually is there to protect her, which at present, she isn't getting. She must feel like shit.
She NEEDS you to do this.

I'm worried about how you will deal with the inevitable requirement for contact with dd2 though. Perhaps he will leave you to it, more likely he will bully all of you until he gets access, and then mess you about.

Or you may get lucky and he gets involved with someone else and has more babies and leaves you all alone.

I'd be moving countries to get away from someone like this.