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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if a man doesn't want a baby he should make it his business to wear a condom

434 replies

JaffaMyCake · 15/07/2013 11:57

A friend of mine has got pregnant off a casual FWB situation. She's ok with this and intends to keep the baby even though she isn't in a relationship with the father.

However the father has gone absolutely ballistic, called her a bitch etc and demands she has an abortion. He's adamant he doesn't want the baby or to pay child support.

The situation regarding contraception is that it was just never discussed and they continually had unprotected sex for about 3 months. He never asked if she was on the pill and she never told him she was.

So AIBU to think if he so adamantly did not want a baby with this woman he should have bloody well used protection, regardless of whether she suggested it or not?

OP posts:
SarahAndFuck · 15/07/2013 14:00

No, it wasn't reasonable of him to assume anything.

That's the whole point of the thread.

Should she have told him? Yes.

Should he have asked? Yes.

Should he have taken responsibility for his own contraception regardless of what she did or didn't say? Yes.

He wasn't 'tricked' into parenthood, that's the OP's assumption. He didn't ask her if she was taking the pill and she didn't volunteer the information that she wasn't. Which I think was equally wrong of both of them.

He assumed she was taking responsibility for both of them without bothering to ask and now he's learned the hard way that that's a stupid risk to take.

Even if she had been on the pill, it fails frequently and it doesn't prevent STI's.

GoshlyoHeavens · 15/07/2013 14:00

Peggy - what?

5madthings · 15/07/2013 14:01

They are both stupid. They are both equally to blame.

Fgs 'assuming' anything about contraception is bloody idiotic, you don't make assumptions you make sure you are covered, esp if you don't want a baby. If he felt so strongly about not wanting a baby he should have used a condom and spoken to her about what contraception if any she was using/would use.

Bollocks t is default its a woman's responsibility, she hasn't tricked him. She didn't lie, neither of them discussed it.

Eyesunderarock · 15/07/2013 14:02

Well, it's a free country, so he can rant and rave and call her whatever names he likes to anyone he chooses to.
But he will have no choice but to pay a contribution to the upbringing of the child if the mother chooses that path. He can refuse to have nothing to do with the child.
How would that make you feel, if you were that child?

aturtlenamedmack · 15/07/2013 14:02

Can I asked whether you know what outcome your friend was hoping for?
Is she happy for the father to be entirely out of the picture or is she hoping for him to come round to the idea and be involved with the pregnancy and child?
Don't think this has much bearing on whether he should have worn a condom or not, just nosy interested.

WafflyVersatile · 15/07/2013 14:02

I generally think we should be able to trust people to be telling the truth and be annoyed if it turns out that they were not on the pill or putting on a condom, honest.

they are adults and should have had an honest conversation and taken responsibility for themselves and to a degree the other. If you don't you have to face the consequences. For her deciding whether to terminate or have a child. His options ran out when he didn't wear a condom because from now, the decision are all hers.

'I presumed she was on the pill because she didn't say otherwise' is not taking responsibility.

Lazyjaney · 15/07/2013 14:03

I wouldn't be surprised if he had asked and been told she was protected, if she was trying to get pregnant. Men are led by their dicks but most are not total dickheads iyswim.

Still should have used a condom for a casual sex partner anyway though

Namechangingnorma · 15/07/2013 14:08

she has only tricked him if he wasn't aware sex made babies, which I am sure he was aware of. I think it's really nasty to keep saying poor baby too, you have no idea what the girl is like, her ability to bring up a child, her support network or her financial situation. he should not have assumed anything, if he didn't want her to get pregnant then the responsibility was solely in his court

RoxyFox211 · 15/07/2013 14:12

yanbu. He sounds like tit. He has no right to demand what she does with their baby whilst it is in her body. Why is it always meant to be women who demand condoms if they are not on the pill?? If he was that bothered he should have thought about it first. Why we always let men off the hook in thee matters.. Angry. She seems to be getting a lot of shit on here (your mate) but im completely on her side with this. She is standing up to the responsibility whilst he's doing FA! (although if he had asked her and she had lied then obviously that would change things dramatically imo).

GoshlyoHeavens · 15/07/2013 14:21

I agree.

The pill is all well and good and should be available to women who want it. It is not an invitation to shag who you want.

GoshlyoHeavens · 15/07/2013 14:23

For the men, I mean.

RedHelenB · 15/07/2013 14:23

Is it just me or is money the only thing that is being mentioned? What about the fact that his poor baby may well not have any meaningful relationship with his Dad? Your friend was very wrong - yes he should have had protected sex but knowingly wanting to get pg without discussing this with potential fathers is plain WRONG!

GoshlyoHeavens · 15/07/2013 14:24

Women's bodies are their own.

StealthPolarBear · 15/07/2013 14:25

Agree with Waffly

"She knew they were having unprotected sex, she knew she wasn't on the pill, she knew they weren't using a condom

He assumed they were having protected sex, he assumed she was on the pill, he knew they weren't using a condom."

Why on earth would you assume someone is on the pill??? Why would you not assume this was exactly what it looked like - unprotected sex?

StealthPolarBear · 15/07/2013 14:27

Why are people not coming on horrified to say but she assumed he'd had the snip, he tricked her into pregnancy?

Why is it OK for a man to assume the woman has taken care of the contraception but not the other way round?

SarahAndFuck · 15/07/2013 14:29

Stealth I was wondering the same thing, why shouldn't she assume that he'd had the snip since he hadn't worried about a condom?

5madthings · 15/07/2013 14:29

I know stealth its a depressing attitude towards women.

I agreed with freckledleopard at the top of trhr page.

happyyonisleepyyoni · 15/07/2013 14:31

YANBU

Original poster
JaffaMyCake · 15/07/2013 14:32

SPB that is my point! I am quite shocked at some of the responses on here tbh!

I am pretty convinced she didn't lie about being on the pill, she has sworn it was never mentioned and I believe her. If she's lying however then my opinion would completely change!

OP posts:
revealall · 15/07/2013 14:32

I think some people are making alot of assumptions.

You don't know how long she'd been a friend or what their relationship "with benefits" entailed. She/he could both have known about their other partners or perhaps neither or them slept around (they're 30 not 18). It could have been a one off when a bit drunk or a regular f**k buddy situation.
As for the child she at least knew and liked the father. She might be perfectly up to the challenge of raising the child without his financial help or bitterness.So they weren't married but plenty of families planned or otherwise end in disaster. Perhaps she'll meet someone new who'll be like a father to her child.

I speak as someone with the exact same experience.It wasn't so much that I wanted/planned to be pregnant but I realised time was ticking and was happy to be pregnant if it happened.

32 might sound young but when you have to find someone new (a year or more?), date for a while (a year or more?), get pregnant (6 months if you're luck?) and carry the baby to term (9 months) waiting 4 years or more is a risky prospect.

WafflyVersatile · 15/07/2013 14:33

I hoped (and maybe still do) that one good thing that would come out of the CSA is that men would stop 'assuming' after seeing their older siblings, peers etc have to pay up rather than just walk away because it was the woman's problem.

I guess it will take a while yet.

Original poster
JaffaMyCake · 15/07/2013 14:34

AFAIC we all know sex makes babies. If you do not want a baby then you make sure your contraception is covered IMO, rightly or wrongly, it is not up to the other person.

OP posts:
Lazyjaney · 15/07/2013 14:37

Why are people not coming on horrified to say but she assumed he'd had the snip, he tricked her into pregnancy?<

Because in that case probably he would want her to have the baby and she'd want the abortion?

formicadinosaur · 15/07/2013 14:41

If he doesn't want a baby, he should use protection.

Val007 · 15/07/2013 14:44

He got what he deserved. He wanted free sex, but there is nothing free in this life - someoone has to always pay!