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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if a man doesn't want a baby he should make it his business to wear a condom

434 replies

JaffaMyCake · 15/07/2013 11:57

A friend of mine has got pregnant off a casual FWB situation. She's ok with this and intends to keep the baby even though she isn't in a relationship with the father.

However the father has gone absolutely ballistic, called her a bitch etc and demands she has an abortion. He's adamant he doesn't want the baby or to pay child support.

The situation regarding contraception is that it was just never discussed and they continually had unprotected sex for about 3 months. He never asked if she was on the pill and she never told him she was.

So AIBU to think if he so adamantly did not want a baby with this woman he should have bloody well used protection, regardless of whether she suggested it or not?

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 15/07/2013 12:11

I got pregnant due to a condom failure - i should have been on the pill (belt and braces)

livinginwonderland · 15/07/2013 12:12

People shouldn't have sex without discussing the consequences! Sex can ALWAYS lead to a baby, no matter how careful you are. If you don't can't handle the potential of having a baby/an abortion, don't have sex.

LondonMan · 15/07/2013 12:12

Creating a baby is not something you should generally do unilaterally. Getting married first may have gone out of fashion, but you should discuss it.

He was incredibly stupid to assume she was on the pill, but she's the one who did something wrong by knowingly conceiving the baby. (The situation is not symmetrical. They both knew he wasn't using anything, only she knew that she wasn't.)

However what's done is done. He has a right to be angry, but he has no right to demand an abortion. Her wrong was conceiving, now that she's done that it's totally her choice what happens next.

Eyesunderarock · 15/07/2013 12:13

Oh, and asking if someone is on the pill and them lying to you is still no defence against paying for the child.

LEMisdisappointed · 15/07/2013 12:13

How is she going to support this child?

LadyBryan · 15/07/2013 12:14

It takes two people to make a baby. Both are therefore equally responsible therefore both are responsible for sorting out contraception.

She could have refused to have unprotected sex....now there's an idea

BellEndTent · 15/07/2013 12:14

Absolutely. He didn't take responsibility for his own fertility and therefore has nobody to blame but himself. If she had lied to him about being on the pill I may have been be a little more sympathetic but he still should have protected himself. He didn't, he was reckless and now there are consequences.

Eyesunderarock · 15/07/2013 12:14

The way most single mothers do I suppose. With whatever is available.
I share threads like this with DS as a warning.

Original poster
JaffaMyCake · 15/07/2013 12:14

Fakebook your post comes across as if you think contraception is always the responsibility of the woman Hmm.

I disagree that she has tricked him, you cannot just assume that someone is on the pill.

She actually earns significantly more than him.

OP posts:
Maryann1975 · 15/07/2013 12:15

Very unfair of your friend to put him in this position. If she wanted a baby she should have told him that was what she was after. But he was very stupid in not asking outright if she was on the pill. Never assume stuff like that. Basically, it seems that they have both been very immature in not discussing contaceptives and now a baby is going to be born, who it seems is unwanted by one of their parents. That's not fair on the child.

mynameisslimshady · 15/07/2013 12:15

In this situation a baby isn't a good thing, I agree, but its still a far more pleasant option than a recurring or life limiting disease.

Trills · 15/07/2013 12:15

asking if someone is on the pill and them lying to you is still no defence against paying for the child.

No, because it's not the child's fault that their mother lied in order to bring them into being.

It's a pretty good reason to not want to have anything to do with that person ever again though. (unfortunately a pretty difficult thing to do now that you have a child with them)

kinkyfuckery · 15/07/2013 12:16

Has she said what her expectation is from him as a father?

Eyesunderarock · 15/07/2013 12:16

'In this situation a baby isn't a good thing, I agree, but its still a far more pleasant option than a recurring or life limiting disease.'

Possibly not for the baby.
Who knows? They may have both to deal with in the future.

SaucyJack · 15/07/2013 12:17

He has been an idiot, but I have less than no sympathy for your friend too.

LEMisdisappointed · 15/07/2013 12:18

Actually I would absolutely assume that someone was on the pill in that situation.

Original poster
JaffaMyCake · 15/07/2013 12:18

Can I ask if the responses would be different if she had just been stupid and forgotten about contraception instead of actually wanting a baby?

OP posts:
Eyesunderarock · 15/07/2013 12:18

Yes, he was an idiot.
Yes, he should now pay for the child.
Yes, he should be a hell of a lot more cautious about who she has sex with in the future.
Yes I think she baited the trap, and he walked into it, prick first. He's an adult and made his choice.

LEMisdisappointed · 15/07/2013 12:20

And whilst i agree that contraception is a joint responsibility, it is the woman that will be left holding the baby if the man doesn't face up to his responsibilities so any woman with an ounce of sense would ensure they are covered.

TheMagicKeyCanFuckOff · 15/07/2013 12:20

I read something similar on another thread (a poster was planning to do it). Ultimately, both bear responsibility. She, as is basically trapping him, but he for being an irresponsible idiot.

Thisisaeuphemism · 15/07/2013 12:22

Yes he's an idiot- she's not that nice either.

SaucyJack · 15/07/2013 12:22

I can't answer that Jaffa, because I simply do not belive it is possibly to repeatedly forget to use contraception.

LEMisdisappointed · 15/07/2013 12:22

She HAS been stupid, far more stupid than simply forgetting contraception. Forgetting contraception means you get your arse down the chemist and get the MAP.

She has deliberately trapped this person into having an unwanted child.

If she was that desperate for a child she should have
a) been in a loving relationship
b) been fucking honest about it
c) used artificial insemination

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 15/07/2013 12:23

yes, he should "put something on the end of it" Wink

Itsjustafleshwound · 15/07/2013 12:23

Really sorry - but when is it okay for a guy not in a monogamous relationship not to wear a condom?

One of the outcomes of sex is that if it is unprotected the chances of getting the woman pregnant increases ... If a man is only commited to you as far as wanting nothing but sex, chances are he is not going to embrace fatherhood.

They both are incredibly stupid

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