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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if a man doesn't want a baby he should make it his business to wear a condom

434 replies

JaffaMyCake · 15/07/2013 11:57

A friend of mine has got pregnant off a casual FWB situation. She's ok with this and intends to keep the baby even though she isn't in a relationship with the father.

However the father has gone absolutely ballistic, called her a bitch etc and demands she has an abortion. He's adamant he doesn't want the baby or to pay child support.

The situation regarding contraception is that it was just never discussed and they continually had unprotected sex for about 3 months. He never asked if she was on the pill and she never told him she was.

So AIBU to think if he so adamantly did not want a baby with this woman he should have bloody well used protection, regardless of whether she suggested it or not?

OP posts:
chicaguapa · 15/07/2013 13:23

I suppose the difference is that of the two of them, she was the only one who knew they were definitely not using contraception. So I can understand his anger as she wasn't being honest in their FWB relationship. Rightly or wrongly, he just assumed she was on the pill but she knew she wasn't.

She also holds all the cards with the baby. She can decide whether to keep it, that he's got to pay for it and can slate him for not wanting anything to do with it, when she was the only one who knew that getting pg was possible.

So even more reason to make sure that if he absolutely didn't want a baby, he should have sorted out his own contraception and/or not had sex at all. Because he's the one that's stitched up now with no choices and a lifetime of responsibility.

As Eyes says, it just serves to remind me to teach DS that he has to take responsibility himself, whatever the girl says. I remember when the male pill was talked about and women said they'd not trust a man if he said he was on the pill anyway. The only way to be 100% sure that contraception is being used is to use it yourself.

SarahAndFuck · 15/07/2013 13:23

If your version and assumptions are correct:

She was stupid, irresponsible, selfish and deceitful.

He was stupid, irresponsible, selfish and complacent.

If they didn't discuss contraception of any sort then she hasn't tricked him. But if her intention was to get pregnant then she has deceived him about her intentions in their arrangement.

Both of them have behaved badly. I pity the poor baby who is going to grow up with this nasty situation hanging over him/her for the rest of their life.

ChunkyPickle · 15/07/2013 13:24

She clearly doesn't mind that there's a baby - she wasn't using contraception. He does mind that there is a baby, he also wasn't using contraception.

No-one's been 'tricked', I don't see why she should have to list out medications she's not on to him! 1000 times, contraception is your own responsibility, not the just that of the woman!

Eyesunderarock · 15/07/2013 13:26

'So even more reason to make sure that if he absolutely didn't want a baby, he should have sorted out his own contraception and/or not had sex at all. Because he's the one that's stitched up now with no choices and a lifetime of responsibility. '

Exactly, and at around 32 rather than 17 he should have been a lot more responsible. I'm surprised he doesn't have a string of offspring in his wake. Or perhaps he does?

WhoNickedMyName · 15/07/2013 13:30

She didn't want a FWB, she wanted a sperm donor.

He's a bonehead for not considering the issue of contraception.

The only person I feel sorry for in this mess is the baby who is going to have a pair of gobshites as parents.

StealthPolarBear · 15/07/2013 13:30

Yes, presumably both knew they were having unprotected sex and a pregnancy might ensue. now it's happened she's taken it like a grown up and he's taken it like a child.

Nice to see that the majority of MNers assume she has been a scheming bitch though. Hmm

StealthPolarBear · 15/07/2013 13:34

why on earth would you assume she wanted a baby but not him?
hey were BOTH doing EXACTLY the same thing

Eyesunderarock · 15/07/2013 13:34

Grin I wonder how we came to that assumption SPB?

aturtlenamedmack · 15/07/2013 13:36

Well they both 'knowingly' had unprotected sex.
If he wasn't wearing a condom and hadn't asked about other forms of contraception then I don't feel that he can argue that she tricked him into impregnating her.
If she was trying to get pregnant then she was dishonest and irresponsible, and I say that as someone who got pregnant in a similar situation, although contraception was used and I certainly wasn't ttc.
I got the same response as your friend from the father.
This is not the kind of situation that you should want a child to be born in to.
Both were stupid, both are responsible but your friend was dishonest in her motives, so although the father should not be placing all of the blame on your friend, I'm not surprised that he is angry.

chicaguapa · 15/07/2013 13:38

So to summarise, I think:

She did trick him as she knew they weren't using anything and that she could get pg. She wasn't honest and at 32 should know that not explicitly discussing contraception is not the same as wanting to have a baby together.

He's an idiot for allowing himself to be tricked into something so important and at 32 should know that not discussing contraception is not the same as her explicitly being on the pill.

aturtlenamedmack · 15/07/2013 13:42

The fact that she 'holds all the cards' when it comes to the baby is all the more reason why he should have taken responsibility for preventing the pregnancy to begin with.

chicaguapa · 15/07/2013 13:42

They were BOTH doing EXACTLY the same thing

I don't think they were.

She knew they were having unprotected sex, she knew she wasn't on the pill, she knew they weren't using a condom

He assumed they were having protected sex, he assumed she was on the pill, he knew they weren't using a condom.

Yes, he should have checked, yes it's his responsiblity too, but I don't think they thought they were doing the same thing.

GoshlyoHeavens · 15/07/2013 13:43

Oh,oh, but it just doesn't feel the same.

I'll give you the effing same.

K8Middleton · 15/07/2013 13:45

You can only have responsibility for yourself. He didn't take responsibility and so has ended up in a situation he doesn't like.

He was stupid. I have no opinion on her - she's not lied.

Eyesunderarock · 15/07/2013 13:45

'The fact that she 'holds all the cards' when it comes to the baby is all the more reason why he should have taken responsibility for preventing the pregnancy to begin with.'

The one thing he had control over, and he didn't bother. Hmm
Is your friend going to the CSA to get him to financially support this child?
What a hateful, antagonistic and spite-fuelled setup this baby is going to be born into.

GoshlyoHeavens · 15/07/2013 13:46

Also, I think when you write something it should match the rest. As we expect from polititions etc, and don't get.

Ezio · 15/07/2013 13:47

If your in it just for sex, then both parties should be taking care of contraception, never believe the other person when they say they got it covered.

If she said she was on the pill, he still should wore a condom.

And she if she did shouldnt have been so deceitful or if a baby wasnt the intention then she should demanded protection.

Idiots the pair of them.

"Check yourself before you wreck yourself"

LondonMan · 15/07/2013 13:48

No-one's been 'tricked'

A couple of people have said this. It's wrong. Only a complete arsehole would assume its OK to make someone a parent without their consent, so it was reasonable for him to assume she would say if she wasn't using contraception. (He was a moron for not taking into account the possibility that she's a complete arsehole.)

Erato · 15/07/2013 13:49

If he really didn't want kids he should have used a condom. I've been in a relationship where the guy REALLY didn't want kids, and condoms were always used - it wouldn't have mattered if I had a coil + pill + diaphragm, he still would have worn a condom.

So it's his problem really. It's not news that unprotected sex = babies.

And this 'trapping a man into having a baby' bollocks? Regardless of what she said or didn't say about her contraception situation it's still his fault since he has contraception options and chose not to use them, therefore signing away his right to be upset about any baby outcome. Anyway, why you'd 100% trust someone in a casual FWB situation over something as important as potential parenthood is beyond me. Ball squarely in his court as far as I'm concerned.

aturtlenamedmack · 15/07/2013 13:50

I don't think that's a reasonable assumption to make. Not in a situation with such serious consequences if the assumption turns out to be incorrect. He should have made no assumptions at all.

RestingUnderTheSun · 15/07/2013 13:55

Well I think this guy has the right to be outraged of that woman behaviour. Tbh I am too.
Trying to trick someone into doing something they don't want isn't on in books.

He however should have been much more careful. If you don't want a child, you use a condom or don't have sex at all.

What I would feel very uncomfortable about is that woman then asking HIM to give her some money for the child, have him/her every other weekend etc... Because if you want a child so badly that you are prepare to try for one wo the express consent of your partner, then you should be the one to deal with all that.

GoshlyoHeavens · 15/07/2013 13:56

Someone I knew told me a friend of his pretendied he'd stay with his pregnant partner until she 'delivered' his child.

peggyundercrackers · 15/07/2013 13:56

sounds like your friend has been a little naughty and wanted this to happen to didnt tell him she wasnt on the pill - hes obviously presumed she was alright with having sex without a condom on so she must have been protected.

Eyesunderarock · 15/07/2013 13:58

That's what I tell both of my children. If you make assumptions, then don't be surprised if things go very wrong, in any endeavour.
Have a plan, a back-up plan and an emergency plan. Take responsibility for yourself and your actions.
So if DS asks a girl if she's on the pill, and she says yes, I'd still expect him to use a condom if they wanted to have sex. Considering STDs as well as conception.
Likewise with DD, I'd expect her to insist on a condom as well as whatever precautions she chose to use.
Anything else would be potentially disastrous.

FreckledLeopard · 15/07/2013 13:58

I don't think he's been 'tricked'. As far as I'm concerned, there is no positive duty or obligation to tell someone what contraception, if any, you are on, unless they ask and you choose to answer.

If he didn't want a child, or to run the risk of having a child, he should have used a condom or not had sex. He did neither. As such, I don't believe he has the right to cry 'woe is me', or to rant and rave about the perceived injustice.