Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if a man doesn't want a baby he should make it his business to wear a condom

434 replies

JaffaMyCake · 15/07/2013 11:57

A friend of mine has got pregnant off a casual FWB situation. She's ok with this and intends to keep the baby even though she isn't in a relationship with the father.

However the father has gone absolutely ballistic, called her a bitch etc and demands she has an abortion. He's adamant he doesn't want the baby or to pay child support.

The situation regarding contraception is that it was just never discussed and they continually had unprotected sex for about 3 months. He never asked if she was on the pill and she never told him she was.

So AIBU to think if he so adamantly did not want a baby with this woman he should have bloody well used protection, regardless of whether she suggested it or not?

OP posts:
Ra88 · 15/07/2013 12:24

there was a thread a out this a few weeks ago with the OP asking if it was basically ok to not be on any contraception and trying to et pregnant without the "FWB" knowing ..

MysteriousHamster · 15/07/2013 12:25

They both have responsibility but presumably OP's friend doesn't disagree with that.

My reading of the OP is that it's unfair for the man to go ballistic, which I totally agree with. He shouldn't have assumed.

TSSDNCOP · 15/07/2013 12:26

Is it really even possible to "forget" about contraception. It's not like forgetting to cancel the milk whilst you're on holiday.

Contraception failing I can buy. Forgetting is harder to get my head round as I suspect it would be somewhere in your mind in a 3 month block.

Plus I think if she'd forgotten, her response would have been to discuss the outcome rather than present this neat fair accompli.

Even if this silly man is a nice guy, she's rather impeding his better side from being at the forefront I think by presenting him with only the option that best suits her.

Is the friend actually you OP?

Thisisaeuphemism · 15/07/2013 12:27

They both should watch more Jeremy Kyle

JRmumma · 15/07/2013 12:28

I don't agree with the posters who say that if you don't want to be a parent you shouldn't have sex, that's just ridiculous. But i do think that if you don't want to be a parent then you should take responsibility for making sure this doesn't happen for yourself, not assume that the other person has it covered.

And OP, if it was an accident and not her intention then she is still an idiot, just a different kind of idiot.

ChunkyPickle · 15/07/2013 12:28

He was responsible for his own contraception! If you don't want a baby, you don't have sex, or you risk contraception - and that counts for both of the people doing the deed.

He did nothing to stop this when he had a chance, and it's out of his hands now, and he has responsibility for the life he created. He can be angry all he likes - he had unprotected sex, and now there is a baby which is half him.

Nanny0gg · 15/07/2013 12:29

LEMisdisappointed

I agree.
And he was stupid for not asking or taking precautions himself.

None of this is the child's fault, so he'll have to pay and she'll have to explain to the child why its father doesn't want to know - unless a miracle occurs when it's born.

I hate threads like these.
Irresponsible idiots.

Itsjustafleshwound · 15/07/2013 12:29

Besides the whole pregnancy thing - would she be quite so pleased if it was genital warts rather than a baby?

Thisisaeuphemism · 15/07/2013 12:30

It wasn't an accident from her point of view.

It sounds like they both made assumptions

Her- he's happy to have a baby

Him - she's on the pill

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 15/07/2013 12:30

How did she trick him?

Regardless of her intentions, he chose not to wear a condom. Of course that leads to babies!

Thisisaeuphemism · 15/07/2013 12:32

I wonder if she did tell him that she had contraception under control.
If not then he is really dim.

TSSDNCOP · 15/07/2013 12:33

It's going to be a nice conversation to have with the child isn't it when it wonders why it's parents loathe each other.

Daddy's a bone head that didn't wear a condom and didn't bother to ask mummy if she had it covered.

Mummy chose not to mention her lack of contraception and didn't refuse to shag until daddy had it covered.

Lazyjaney · 15/07/2013 12:38

He was a dickhead. She is too if she thinks she will get much money out of him.

Frizzbonce · 15/07/2013 12:39

As LadyBryan says, it takes two to make a baby. It always amazes me - the men who exhibit the most outrage over being 'trapped' are generally also the ones who display the least interest in taking any responsibility for contraception. Think of the numerous male pop stars who get a girl up the duff after a one nighter and then run squealing to their lawyers. You'd think that they would realise that some women would be angling to have their baby and then demand huge sums in child support. But they seem to keep on doing it - there's a case in the paper right now about an unnamed male singer who is desperate for his wife not to find out about his fling that resulted in a little girl.

When I was speaking to my teenage son about just this, I pointed out that 'presuming' his girlfriend was on the pill isn't good enough and if he doesn't want to get an STI or get her pregnant he uses a condom. And part of the Right to Choose is her right to choose to keep the baby which means he has to support it. He is not a stupid boy but he hadn't thought this scenario through. We need to explain this stuff to our sons.

Fakebook · 15/07/2013 12:41

I was referring to your third paragraph, where you say he hadn't asked and she never told him. Lets assume that he assumed she was protected and never bothered to ask her for that reason? What was her excuse for not telling him she was on the pill? If you really don't want a baby, surely you discuss this, and as the woman who would be carrying the child for 9 months, yes, she should have told him and then asked him to wear a condom.

I disagree that she has tricked him, you cannot just assume that someone is on the pill.

^^ You've just completely made a u-turn on your second post. What do you believe? She didn't want to get pregnant or that she did and tricked him?

IneedAsockamnesty · 15/07/2013 12:42

Each party is responsible for there own contraceptive situation.

Nobody should rely on someone else nobody should just assume the other person has it covered anybody that does is a prat.

Granted shes the one who can't just walk away from the outcome but it sounds like the outcome is something that she does not wish to walk away from. But its no more her responsibility than it is his.

Eyesunderarock · 15/07/2013 12:44

'I don't agree with the posters who say that if you don't want to be a parent you shouldn't have sex, that's just ridiculous. '

I find all the claims of 'Oh, it was an accident, the condom split, the pill didn't work, they inserted my coil in the wrong orifice' absurd too.
It's the only 100% certain way to ensure no conception.
So the risk of having a baby is always there.
That said, I had a happy, healthy sex life for a decade before children, but then I didn't have deceitful or careless partners.

FeegleFion · 15/07/2013 12:50

Pregnancy happens even when contraception is being used.

Neither the pill or condoms are 100% pregnancy proof and any sexual encounter has the possibility of resulting in an unwanted pregnancy; and if your suspicions are accurate she's a damned fool for thinking she was not only entitled to orchestrate this but for having no understanding how bloody hard having a baby is mentally, emotionally and physically when you don't have the support of the father!

Regardless of her intentions, he's a bloody fool if it never crossed his mind that this is going to be the likely outcome of months of unprotected sex.

They sound like a pair of bloody kids and I feel terribly sorry for any child brought into the world like this.

ScrambledSmegs · 15/07/2013 12:54

Well, yes. He's been an idiot.

But there's something very underhand about her intent to get pregnant without telling him.

Neither comes out of this very well. The poor baby :(

Is she actually surprised at his response, btw?

Mitchy1nge · 15/07/2013 12:55

if he didn't realise that shooting his load up someone's cunt could result in pregnancy maybe he lacks the capacity to consent to sex at all and she is guilty of something far more serious than wanting to conceive a child?

FasterStronger · 15/07/2013 12:58

It always amazes me - the men who exhibit the most outrage over being 'trapped' are generally also the ones who display the least interest in taking any responsibility for contraception

yes. this type of man is irresponsible in many ways

Eyesunderarock · 15/07/2013 13:04

Irresponsible and not very bright.
As I said, I read these sorts of threads to my DS as a warning to be responsible for himself, his body and any relationships he gets into, however fleeting. It is very difficult to get through to him that people lie, he hasn't had experience of it.
DD is much more canny and aware of the potential for abuse and exploitation and risk-taking.
But I'm not a grandmother yet, so I'm hopeful that the discussions are working.

Mitchy1nge · 15/07/2013 13:07

It doesn't sound like anyone lied in this situation, they've both gambled with their own and one another's health but no deception?

DuelingFanjo · 15/07/2013 13:12

Obviously the same applies to your friend OP.

Or did she want a baby? Was she having sex with him knowing it may result in a baby.

Dahlen · 15/07/2013 13:22

Your friend sounds like a selfish, irresponsible idiot who is the last person who should be having a baby TBH. Has she considered the effect on her child of her actions? Has she checked for STDs that may affect the foetus?

All that said, no sympathy whatsoever for the man in this situation. To shag someone for 3 months without even asking about contraception says it all.