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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be said some friends haven't sent me a condolence message...AIBU

93 replies

OctopusPete8 · 15/07/2013 10:45

I lost my grandad on the weekend, I posted about it on fb on sunday and got some messages, of condolence but some friends, one in particular has been on fb numerous times talking with photos, posts etc

not so much as even a 'thinking of you' or a text Sad

I feel let down and that this person is selfish,self absorbed?

OP posts:
ShatnersBassoon · 15/07/2013 10:50

Perhaps this friend thinks a 'sorry' offered in person would be more appropriate.

Mollydoggerson · 15/07/2013 10:51

Hmmm, some people feel awkward about death, some people think facebook is too vacous for messages about bereavement and some people just don't want to be dragged down by other people's sorrows.

If you feel let down by them, then weigh up just how good friends they actually are to you and focus on the friends that you feel are good for you and support you.

Better to have a few good friends than a load of floating friends.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 15/07/2013 10:52

Not everyone who uses fb reads their whole newsfeed when they log on - in fact I'd bet most don't. The person may not have seen it.

Being over sensitive about whether people reply to fb statuses is daft tbh - people don't have to reply to them and there can be any number of reasons why they don't, from not having seen them, to thinking they've replied and a fb glitch meaning the reply doesn't show up, to not knowing you care about or are keeping count of replies... FB is a very casual thing the way most people use it, and not to be taken too seriously!

CruCru · 15/07/2013 10:52

I would be uncomfortable posting condolences on your FB wall and would wait until I saw you.

NinaJade666 · 15/07/2013 10:55

Maybe they've hidden your posts from their newsfeed previously on facebook and didn't see it?

youmeatsix · 15/07/2013 10:56

I feel let down and that this person is selfish,self absorbed?
really? i would never post condolences on someones facebook wall, i think its incredibly crass, and would rather send a message privately or a card, or see them in person. But then i would never tout for sympathy publicly on facebook either

gordyslovesheep · 15/07/2013 10:57

Wow maybe they just haven't seen your post

newestbridearound · 15/07/2013 10:58

I am so sorry for your loss.

Perhaps said friend is waiting to see you in person before saying anything. Or they just skipped over the post- not everyone reads everything that comes up on their newsfeed, and mine seems to go haywire constantly and randomly show some posts and not others.

I know it is difficult at the moment but I would try not to take it personally. I doubt that your friend is trying to ignore how you are feeling right now, unless they have form for being a bit self-absorbed normally. If this is the case the definitely re-evaluate the friendship and how much you invest in it.

mrsjay · 15/07/2013 10:59

I miss posts all the time on facebooks and not everybody appears on my feed either (not sure what thats about) maybe your friend didnt see it or feels awkward about saying something on FB

Trills · 15/07/2013 10:59

YAB a bit U

Maybe they haven't seen your post
Maybe they don't know what to say
Maybe they are treating you how they would like to be treated in the same circumstances

redskyatnight · 15/07/2013 11:04

I'm sorry for your loss.
I also agree with others that FB or text is not the place to offer condolences if they are good friends.

A friend of mine lost her mum a few years ago. She said that the people who took time to send letters or cards with personal messages in made a huge difference to her in the days and weeks afterwards. Yes, lots of people offered condolences at once, but it was the messages that people took time over and put thought into that meant the most.

Flobbadobs · 15/07/2013 11:07

YABabitU.
I never post condolences on FB. It smacks too much of the whole public grieving thing that happens so much now and isn't very personal. If they live too far away for me to go and see I send a card.

Nicknamegrief · 15/07/2013 11:10

I'm not your friend but I am the person who will contact you on person rather than on FB.

A letter or card are far more personal and take more time and effort in my opinion.

Having said that maybe they don't know what to say. Sometimes people donn't say anything for the fear that they may say the wrong thing.

You can be upset about it but that is your choice and not your friends.

Sorry about your grandad. I only knew one of mine and wish he was around to see my children and have met my husband- they would have got on really well.

mynameisslimshady · 15/07/2013 11:15

I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks

I think when you lose someone close its very easy to attach your anger onto something fairly minor afterwards. You can't be angry at anything tangible because death is a natural part of life but you can be angry at some percieved slight in the aftermath because its something you can control.

I've done it myself.

You need to step back and look at the possibe reasons above and don't start pushing your friends away because you are hurting.

MrsOakenshield · 15/07/2013 11:19

sorry, but I don't think facebook is the place for this - either for condolences, or for announcing it in the first place.

HeffalumpTheFlump · 15/07/2013 11:29

Sorry for your loss but it sounds like you are more bothered about receiving attention than the actual loss of your grandad. I don't know how close you were, but if the same happened to me I would not be posting about it on fb, or be worrying about who had or hadn't replied, I would be too distraught to be honest. Also going on to post about it on here makes me feel even more that you are using the bereavement to gain attention, and I find the whole thing a bit disrespectful.

However, I didn't know your grandad, maybe he wouldnt have minded. Perhaps look for the support you need with this from family and friends in rl rather than the internet. Really sorry if that sounds harsh, I just hate this sort of thing.

TVTonight · 15/07/2013 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Madamecastafiore · 15/07/2013 12:15

I wouldn't post any sort of condolences on a social networking site - if I have something to express to you about your loss it would be done in person.

I think in your grief you are over thinking things and becoming over sensitive.

GingerBlondecat · 15/07/2013 12:21

((((((((((((((soft Hugs))))))))))))) and Condolences on your Loss OP Flowers Brew

2rebecca · 15/07/2013 12:21

All my grandparents are dead, I don't think I received any cards etc at the time, my parents did as they were the ones who had lost a parent. I didn't go round telling everyone my grandparents had died either. If I had mentioned it to anyone it would have been in person.
I think facebook is an inappropriate place for this, I would phone someone up for a chat if you want a sympathetic shoulder to cry on or go to the pub together.
I'm only on facebook occasionally so can see how a friend of yours could easily miss the comment about your grandfather, especially if they have alot of friends.
If you would judge someone adversely because of this then you aren't really friends anyway.

SaucyJack · 15/07/2013 12:24

To be blunt, I wouldn't message a friend who'd lost a grandparent either. It's very sad, but not a majorly unexpected life event at our age.

Stokes · 15/07/2013 12:36

I also wouldn't (and didn't) post about the death of a grandparent, or anyone else for that matter, on Facebook. Similarly, if someone on my timeline posted about the death of a grandparent I wouldn't comment, if it were a friend who I saw regularly I would phone or text them and probably go to the funeral if it were convenient (Irish).

Also, with the greatest will in the world, if any of these friends have lost parents, siblings etc, they may frankly not spare much thought to the death of an elderly relative of a grown up friend.

specialsubject · 15/07/2013 12:44

sympathies.

remember that facebook is a trivial socialising site and nothing on it matters. Also that people don't necessary see all your posts, nor do they always respond.

or: 'it's only facebook'

MalcolmTuckersMum · 15/07/2013 12:48

What SaucyJack says. And others who say FB is not the place for this. And the wise person who said the death of a grandparent is, sadly, hardly unexpected. The death of a parent or sibling is a vastly different thing which would garner different levels of sympathy - but I still don't think FB is the place for any of it.

DawnOfTheDee · 15/07/2013 12:52

I'm sorry for your loss but personally I wouldn't have posted about a family death on fb in the first place. When I do see friends who have posted these sort of messages I wouldn't reply either.....I would prefer to send a card or give my condolences in person depending on my relationship with said friend.