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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be said some friends haven't sent me a condolence message...AIBU

93 replies

OctopusPete8 · 15/07/2013 10:45

I lost my grandad on the weekend, I posted about it on fb on sunday and got some messages, of condolence but some friends, one in particular has been on fb numerous times talking with photos, posts etc

not so much as even a 'thinking of you' or a text Sad

I feel let down and that this person is selfish,self absorbed?

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 15/07/2013 12:54

Sorry about your Grandad I lost my Nan recently we were very close :(

I didn't post it on FB as I think I just felt this was a private time and that any friends I saw regularly would know anyway.

I agree with others who say they may not have seen your status. I'm mostly on my mobile and when I go on FB I skim down the 1st page and don't see everything. If it's a close friend I might get a notification but not always x

Also some people genuinely don't know what to say.

hernow · 15/07/2013 12:57

I would only say sorry that way if the person was not well known to me otherwise it would have to be a trip to the shops searching for the best card I could find for the person and their loss. Also I would not respond so quickly if everyone else is posting as it would just seem like I was jumping in and not giving it any thought. IMO

Namechangingnorma · 15/07/2013 13:04

I was looking at DH'first wedding album just the other day, I think it's nice for dsd to be able to have them to look at, DH is a total hoarder when it comes to that type of stuff has album's, cards etc all through his life which we keep In the basement. I don't mind at all except for anything I find from the last ex and that's only because she is much younger than DH andmuch smaller that me, do you think you feel threatened?

HeffalumpTheFlump · 15/07/2013 13:17

Norma - I think you might be on the wrong thread!

Bunbaker · 15/07/2013 13:22

I agree with SaucyJack and MalcolmTuckersMum. Facebook is inappropriate, it was a grandparent and they probably didn't see your status - especially if you have had a lot of FB actvivity since then.

Sorry for your loss though Flowers

WhoNickedMyName · 15/07/2013 13:23

If she's not important enough to you for you to contact her personally to tell her about the death of your grandfather, then I think you're overthinking this friendship and her lack of response to your FB post.

megsmouse · 15/07/2013 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WestieMamma · 15/07/2013 14:04

I think people are being a bit harsh about the use of facebook. Different people use it in different ways. My family and I are scattered far and wide and use it as the primary mode of keeping in touch. When my dad passed away it was only natural for people to post stuff there.

Sorry for your loss Octopus. Try not to take it to heart. As you can see from the replies to this thread, some people don't want to engage in this way when there's a bereavement. Then there's those who don't want to engage at all.

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 15/07/2013 16:37

Its a bit wrong and offensive to say writing a tribute post about someone close to you is 'touting for attention'. it isn't. its an outlet for most aspects of life including the happy and the sad. Fair enough if its not you're thing but to say someone grieving is attention seeking completely crosses the line.

I can see I may be a bit OTT and oversensitive atm, this person does have form for self absorbtion suppose I shouldn't be surprised.

OP posts:
eccentrica · 15/07/2013 16:49

I have never received condolences for any of my grandparents, aunts, uncles or indeed friends who died. You get condolences for your parents or god forbid your partner. Not grandparents.

To be honest, I think if you're in the depths of grief it's a bit strange to be so focused on who has or hasn't commented on a Facebook post. Perhaps you are transferring some of your bad feelings about your grandparent's death onto this friend of yours.

Finally you say this person 'has form for self absorption'. You are just supporting that by making her so important to you at a time when you should be focused on your family.

Facebook is fine for trivia but it is a bloody disaster when people run their lives through it.

98percentchocolate · 15/07/2013 17:52

I lost my grandfather last week too, I posted about it on Facebook. I didn't really feel comfortable doing so but my family would have been offended if I hadn't (I know, I know). As it was I kept it to a minimum. Because I posted about it I had a few people contact me with sympathies and condolences and I was really grateful for those that got in touch. A few people that I thought would actually haven't but I think we both need to remember that they may not feel comfortable saying anything. I think you should just concentrate on grieving and supporting your family for the time being. I'm sure your friend will be there for you if you ask her to be, she is probably just giving you space in case she says the wrong thing. Try not to take it to heart. Sorry for your loss. If you want to chat with somebody in the same b

98percentchocolate · 15/07/2013 17:53

(Posted too soon)
...in the same boat then please feel free to PM me.

frogspoon · 15/07/2013 17:59

Its a bit wrong and offensive to say writing a tribute post about someone close to you is 'touting for attention'. it isn't. its an outlet for most aspects of life including the happy and the sad. Fair enough if its not you're thing but to say someone grieving is attention seeking completely crosses the line.

If you use Facebook as an outlet, you should not expect a response. It is something personal to you, so you should not expect other people to respond to your grief.

LIZS · 15/07/2013 18:02

Sorry but wouldn't expect it for a grandparent (FB or RL) unless personally known to friends.

Onesleeptillwembley · 15/07/2013 18:38

As well as all the reasons given above, frankly, the death of someone else's grandparent just isn't that big a deal. The world hasn't stopped. Instead of dwelling on this and calling other people self absorbed Spend your time mourning or whatever you need to do with your family.

themaltesecat · 15/07/2013 19:39

Sorry about your grandad, but you are being unreasonable.

morethanpotatoprints · 15/07/2013 19:46

Sorry about your grandad, I hope he went peacefully. Thanks

FWIW, I wouldn't have responded to you either, but having lost several members of my family and knowing what you are feeling right now, it is the close friends who are there for you and to support you. Imo this is best done in person not fb.

spotscotch · 15/07/2013 19:52

I am very sorry about your grandad. However I totally agree with everyone who says that facebook just isn't the place for this kind of thing. I never post about any of the serious stuff that goes on in my life on Facebook, neither would I publically post on someone's wall when something happens in their life. It should be private.

However, they could have sent you a message or a text, but perhaps they are waiting to see you in person. Or perhaps they simply haven't seen it.

I really wouldn't let it bother you when you have already got other things on your plate.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 15/07/2013 19:59

I am sorry about your Grandad. I can see that it's normal for you to post about this on FB, but I wouldn't feel comfortable responding at length on FB (although I might just say "I am sorry for your loss", come to think of it). Perhaps a card or letter is in the post

Bunbaker · 16/07/2013 06:51

"My family and I are scattered far and wide and use it as the primary mode of keeping in touch."

My family are scattered far and wide and we use telephone/email/text to keep in touch. Most of them don't have Facebook accounts yet we still manage to keep in touch. I find Facebook too impersonal.

"Facebook is fine for trivia but it is a bloody disaster when people run their lives through it."

I agree

LAlady · 16/07/2013 08:59

A friend of mine recently lost her mother. I called her and then saw her personally. We only see each other now and again but there's no way I would have commented or passed on condolences via FB.

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 16/07/2013 12:54

Another poster hit the nail on the head with that I haven't even recived a text, personal msg that what hurts the most and the fact this person WILL have seen it.

OP posts:
Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 16/07/2013 12:54

thanks for the condolences

OP posts:
MonstrousPippin · 16/07/2013 12:57

So sorry to hear of your loss.

My best friend was the last person to find out I'd got engaged to my DP. I put our engagement on Facebook on the Friday and saw her at work and thought it weird she wasn't saying anything. So I said "did you see on Facebook...?" and turns out she had totally missed it somehow from not paying attention to her news feed in the same way other people do.

If they are a close friend, I'd blame Facebook.

MonstrousPippin · 16/07/2013 12:58

that should have said.

Saw her at work on the Monday

So 3 days later.

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