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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be said some friends haven't sent me a condolence message...AIBU

93 replies

OctopusPete8 · 15/07/2013 10:45

I lost my grandad on the weekend, I posted about it on fb on sunday and got some messages, of condolence but some friends, one in particular has been on fb numerous times talking with photos, posts etc

not so much as even a 'thinking of you' or a text Sad

I feel let down and that this person is selfish,self absorbed?

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 16/07/2013 13:02

She may not have seen it you know, I didn't see my friend's post about her father dying, Facebook doesn't always show every status of every friend, even ones I'm regularly in touch with.

I bumped into my friend weeks after his death, she seemed a bit off, I asked if she was okay, she told me about her dad. I think she believed me when I mentioned I'd seen nothing, of COURSE I would have been straight round!! In the end, as soon as I knew I sent her some flowers as though I hadn't done anything wrong, I felt bad that she'd felt abandoned, even though it was no one's fault.

If Facebook doesn't give you the attention you need from people (meant in a purely reasonable way, I do not think you were 'attention seeking in the needy grabby spolit way at all) then it's time to adopt more traditional methods of communication. No one is at fault, but YABU for assuming she doesn't care without actually speaking to her.

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 16/07/2013 13:06

Yeah you're probably right aldiwhore,

OP posts:
minesapintofwine · 16/07/2013 13:35

Sorry for your loss op. I lost my grandad two weeks. I didn't post anything on Facebook but had told some friends how I'll he was. I had to prompt one friends into reminding him he was I'll and when I texted her to say he had died (which I emphasised over 3 texts) she barely acknowledged it. Only one friend made the funeral my mil forgot to send a card to my nan etc. I realised that this is just because my grief and my loss is a personal thing and have, as a result, decided to grieve v v privately and feel better for it. I remember and mourn him now in my own way and am not worrying about the actions of my friends.vthey haven't been there much through this but it doesn't matter they will still bvmy friends after. Wishing U all the best at this sad time

minesapintofwine · 16/07/2013 13:36

Horrific typos. Damn you phone

Panzee · 16/07/2013 13:39

I missed a long distance friend's entire pregnancy and birth because her posts didn't show on my timeline. Only one appeared after he was born. I have no idea why. She hadn't posted much but if I'd looked at her timeline I would have known!

MrsOakenshield · 16/07/2013 13:49

if this friend's response is so important to you I'm surprsied you didn't tell her in a more personal way that posting on FB. If I found out something very important to a close friend via FB I'd be a bit upset. But equally, with regard to the death of a grandparent, I wouldn't expect anything from anyone who wasn't a very close friend and, more likely, actually knew my GP.

trapezegirl · 16/07/2013 14:58

YABVU. I don't know about you, but I don't see every update everyone writes on FB. I'm sorry for your loss, but if you want to hear from your friends maybe you should try actually telling them directly?

MmeLindor · 16/07/2013 15:03

I am sorry for your loss.

FB doesn't share every update with everyone. It is very possible that she hasn't seen it.

Not everyone deals well with grief, particularly on an open messaging board such as FB.

Don't be upset about it, it is not worth it.

MotherofDragons82 · 16/07/2013 15:39

If one of my remaining grandparents died, I wouldn't expect my friends to comment unless they knew them personally.
Losing grandparents at our age, while sad, is to be expected.
I find it a bit mawkish for people to leave messages of condolence in such a public way when they didn't know the person who died, tbh.

If I'd seen that a friend had posted such a thing on facebook, I might mention it the next time I saw them - if they were a close friend - but probably not mention it at all, otherwise.

Also, as others have said, there's every chance your friend hasn't seen your status. Not everyone continually updates facebook to see what their friends are posting. Your friend is certainly not being selfish or self-absorbed.

thispunderfullife · 16/07/2013 16:27

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss but I think posting about bereavement on Facebook is asking for upset. It's a really impersonal way of communicating.

TheCraicDealer · 16/07/2013 16:40

Condolences, OP. I have lost two Grandfathers and an uncle in the past 8 months. Anyone I've felt needs to know (or if I just wished for a bit of hand holding) I told personally via text or over coffee. Facebook imo is a bit of fun, and I don't wish to upset anyone who may be going through their own tough times.

To complicate matters, it's not a medium that lends itself to outpourings of sympathy. There was a thread on here a few days ago where a poster was upset because a friend "liked" a post where she informed her friends her mum was going to die soon, but that friend possibly though they were doing the right thing by acknowledging the status. There have been times I have seen a post like that and I am full of sympathy and I go about my day thinking about that person and what they're going though. But sometimes I don't want everyone on Facebook to know that, so I'll wait until I see the person face to face.

Sorry for your loss, pet.

GoodTouchBadTouch · 16/07/2013 16:48

I dont use facebook, but I dont really think Id think twice about someone grandparent dying. Im always surprised if a grown up has any left tbh. My children are tiny and they only have 2.

I wouldn't worry too much, Im sure she didn't mean to upset you. If you didn't tell her in person, I doubt you are great friends anyway.

Hope you are ok

McGeeDiNozzo · 17/07/2013 04:36

If you're enumerating all the condolence messages you get from your friends and holding the ones that don't post accountable, then... don't do that.

I'm sorry to say that given your circumstances, but it needs to be said. You simply can't expect condolences from everyone.

And although this isn't a grief competition, I have to agree with MalcolmTuckersMum on the differentiation between grandparents and, say, parents or siblings.

Again, I do feel I'm being insensitive, and I apologise for that, but this is as honest a response to the OP as I can give.

StuntGirl · 17/07/2013 06:41

I'm sorry for your loss.

YABU though, although grief is probably a factor. There are a thousand and one reasons why she may not have even seen the post, and a thousand and one reasons why she has not contacted you yet.

I personally would never use FB to send condolences, I would do it in person. I agree with whoever said upthread stop counting the condolences and holding those who've failed some secret test they didn't know about accountable. Go and be with your loved ones and mourn together. It will get better. Flowers

maddening · 17/07/2013 06:48

Sorry for your loss.

Yabu though.

I never expected condolences from friends regarding my gp's deaths - if I was speaking in person and when asked what was going on in my life and I told them about my gp passing away then I would get a "so sorry"in rreturn but apart from that wouldn't expect anything.

aurynne · 17/07/2013 07:50

I don't receive people's statuses updates or messages in my FB timeline, my personal choice as I really have no interest in most people's inane comments about their daily routine. My true friends tell me things in person or through the phone or e-mail. I would not send condolences for a grandparent death to anyone that is not my family or true friends.

Bunbaker · 17/07/2013 08:36

" I would not send condolences for a grandparent death to anyone that is not my family or true friends."

And I suspect that is how the OP's friend thinks.

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 17/07/2013 10:48

I would If I saw it on fb, maybe its just me.

However. she is probably being a lil self absorbed, like I said she has form for it, but I'm not gonna worry about it just pisses me off a bit. In her shoes I wouldn't just ignore.

OP posts:
MrsOakenshield · 17/07/2013 14:45

well, as this rather pointless thread has shown (why did you ask if YABU if you're so sure you're not?), it is just you. You haven't really taken in anything that anyone has said, have you?

Rufus20 · 17/07/2013 14:58

Yabu, but you may not be listening

JRmumma · 17/07/2013 15:19

I don't see how not commenting on someone's FB post makes your friend self absorbed. To expect someone to make a comment makes YOU self absorbed.

You are assuming she has seen it, and you are assuming that it would have an emotional impact on her. There are very few of my friends who i think would know what my relationship to my grandparents was like, so even if they had seen such a post (i wouldn't post anything like this though) they probably wouldn't have any measure of how upset i may or may not be. And i wouldn't expect them to either.

DelayedActionMouseMaker · 17/07/2013 15:22

I think with losing a grandparent it depends with your relationship and closeness to your own. I had little or no relationship with my grandparents, when they died I was very sad for my MUM, but it didn't really get to me at all, therefore I wouldn't be as moved by someone else's losing a grandparents as say a parent. Iyswim?

BigPantyGirl · 17/07/2013 15:27

Sorry about your grandad.
I'd say I'm generally a nice person, but I will never ever comment on a Facebook post when someone's died. I will text, phone or send a personal message to them.
I do think there's an element of attention seeking on these posts. My cousin lost her dad last year and there was daily depressing statuses - she has lots of friends she sees all the time, so the fb posts were most likely for attention.

HeffalumpTheFlump · 17/07/2013 15:33

Careful bigpanty I got told off by the op for saying these things were for attention, apparently thats not allowed. The op has made her mind up anyway, although she asked our opinions and the majority have said she is bu, apparently she isn't.

BigPantyGirl · 17/07/2013 15:41

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