About DH going abroad to see his ill father who may well die for more than 4 weeks.

[HeyArnold]

My dh's dad is ill in another country. Apparently the doctors haven't given him very long, and he may well pass away. This is news we found out today.

We've had a lot of family problems in the last few months or so. When he first got ill, I told DH that we should all go as a family and meet him so his grandchildren (our childten) remember him. According to him I wasn't welcome in his house due to these family problems, and up until yesterday we were arguing for 6 hours about this whole situation. I had told him that if he goes we're all going because I don't care if I'm not welcome. My children have a right to see their grandfather before he dies. Also, according to tradition, the house also belongs to my dh and its my right to live in that house as his wife. He agrees with me but was worried about some kind of fight erupting whilst I'm there and doesn't want me getting caught up in it.

I was so angry at him. Apparently he doesn't want me to go for my own good.

Anyway, today he's told me that he's taken a turn for the worse. By coincidence his sister and brother are going over aswell tomorrow and DH phoned me during the day and told me to prepare the children's passports and book tickets as he wants to go too.

I don't know why, but I've had a turn of heart and I've told him to go alone and I don't want to go now. I'm nearly 6 months pregnant and he's offered to take our elder dc with him so I'd have less work, but I've said no, as I know there will be no discipline and she'll come back a terror. He's saying he will be going for more than 4 weeks as he doesn't know what will happen, obviously if his dad dies, he may stay longer until the funeral.

AIBU for not going with him? Should I go? I don't know how I will cope for 4+ weeks on my own with two children and pregnant, but I can't stop DH from being with his ill and dying father. I don't have the energy to go and fight battles either. I'm quite hot headed and will speak my mind, but since getting pregnant I can't stand any confrontation which is why I've backed down from this "we all go together" thing.

I'm really confused.

Jesus Cravey.

She has sorted it now.

I see you are one of those people who like to keep putting the boot in though.

Have fun with that.

Well done OP. You know, my husband went to hospital for a week and I won't lie, it was pretty stressful with the kids on my own. I have five, one with special needs so that probably makes a bit of a difference but I completely understand you being worried about it. I was lonely without my husband here every evening.

If you ever get bored and want a chat feel free to PM me.

I also think you did an amazing job dealing with the criticism here and I think that shows volumes about your nice character how you accepted it and sorted it out without even trying to make excuses or getting offended.

In fact samu I am merely responding to everyone else's lovely comments towards me. Wild you rather I changed my mind and became all nice and fluffy ? Not gonna happen.

Thanks for all the nice comments. The reason why I started this thread was because my sister told me I was being silly for not letting him go. I thought I'd ask here, and got the same advice albeit a bit more harshly which was the kick in the bum I needed.

I don't think I'm a selfish person. Selfish would have been to not listen and not take on any advice and stand my ground fighting to prove that I was right to feel the way I do.

Seeing DH more relaxed and not on edge has made me see how stressed he was about this. He confided in me how tired he was of everything and was close to tears. If I was selfish, his words would not have meant anything. I love my DH a lot and he loves me. We will get through this. We've been through much worse in the past (also related to sil) and we've got through it.

We're taking dd out of school tomorrow and Friday so she can spend quality time with DH before he goes. He's taking emergency leave and will use his annual leave from next Monday.

On the plus side, I'm glad I won't have to worry about his meals or his snoring for the next few weeks! He also leaves the bathroom in a state so that'll be cleaner too!

I don't think you sound selfish either.

Best wishes and sympathy to you and your dh for the coming difficult few weeks.

Glad you've sorted it out and will be able to support one another :)

There is a fine line between 'offering an opinion' and tearing someone to shreds. But I do take on board that you have an opinion and a right to express it, Cravey, as do the other MNers. Actually, it isnt my thread, so I am not trying to be dogmatic here or make out I have a say in the matter more than anyone else! I was also being positive in that the post started out fraught but did end up with a resolution, which is really an achievement. No offence meant.

thank goodness you sorted it out - your dh definitely needs support now rather than rows and angst.

and whatever the reason for your not being welcome - the man is dying - if he doesn't want you there then you stay away - so best choice all round in the end.

Let your DH go and be with his dad and siblings. Keep the kids. Get yourself a cleaner and a babysitter to help.

I thought I'd just update this thread because I'm feeling quite down right now.

My DH ended up coming home a week early because his dad was apparently on the mend. He bought back loads of gifts for the children and me and seemed rested that his dad was going to get better.

Today we got a phone call to say he died. :(. We booked the first flight out for DH and he's gone again to be with his family and for the funeral. I'm so heartbroken for DH. He didn't eat anything all day and he was crying like a child would cry...just completely inconsolable :(. I haven't stopped crying either and keep feeling very anxious and sad.

I'm not looking forward to another 3 weeks on my own, but Dd's school starts in the final week, so I won't have to worry about entertaining her for that last week.

I just hope my DH gets there safely and feels at rest that he was there at least for his dads funeral. :(

I'm also so glad he got to spend time with him and talk to him in his last month of life. It must have been so good for dfil to feel rested in knowing his family were around him when he needed them most. I think if DH hadn't gone last month he would have regretted it for the rest of his life.

I'm sorry to hear about your DH's Dad, but you did the right thing and neither of you will look back with regrets about what you "should have done"

Also very sorry to hear that. There must be some comfort in the fact they had some time together before he passed away and will be back there for the funeral. You did the right thing and can now continue to support your DH.

So sorry for your loss.

So sorry to hear about your father in law. I'm sure he enjoyed seeing his son so I hope your husband can take some small comfort from that.