About DH going abroad to see his ill father who may well die for more than 4 weeks.

[HeyArnold]

My dh's dad is ill in another country. Apparently the doctors haven't given him very long, and he may well pass away. This is news we found out today.

We've had a lot of family problems in the last few months or so. When he first got ill, I told DH that we should all go as a family and meet him so his grandchildren (our childten) remember him. According to him I wasn't welcome in his house due to these family problems, and up until yesterday we were arguing for 6 hours about this whole situation. I had told him that if he goes we're all going because I don't care if I'm not welcome. My children have a right to see their grandfather before he dies. Also, according to tradition, the house also belongs to my dh and its my right to live in that house as his wife. He agrees with me but was worried about some kind of fight erupting whilst I'm there and doesn't want me getting caught up in it.

I was so angry at him. Apparently he doesn't want me to go for my own good.

Anyway, today he's told me that he's taken a turn for the worse. By coincidence his sister and brother are going over aswell tomorrow and DH phoned me during the day and told me to prepare the children's passports and book tickets as he wants to go too.

I don't know why, but I've had a turn of heart and I've told him to go alone and I don't want to go now. I'm nearly 6 months pregnant and he's offered to take our elder dc with him so I'd have less work, but I've said no, as I know there will be no discipline and she'll come back a terror. He's saying he will be going for more than 4 weeks as he doesn't know what will happen, obviously if his dad dies, he may stay longer until the funeral.

AIBU for not going with him? Should I go? I don't know how I will cope for 4+ weeks on my own with two children and pregnant, but I can't stop DH from being with his ill and dying father. I don't have the energy to go and fight battles either. I'm quite hot headed and will speak my mind, but since getting pregnant I can't stand any confrontation which is why I've backed down from this "we all go together" thing.

I'm really confused.

Yabu from what you have said you wanted all of you to go when he didn't and then when he finally relented you changed your mind and in doing so you have deprived him of valuable time with his dying father.

He could've alreadumy been with him if you hadn't been playing games and to even mention your 'rights' over the house is just wrong imo.

My DP's dad died without meeting his younger grandchild - it wasn't what was important to him at the time, but having his son, my DP around was. My DP visited a few times when he was ill and then went again to arrange for his dad to come home from hospital to spend his last days in comfort. Sadly he died the day he was due to come home but at least my DP was there and could say goodbye.

Things sound difficult in your family not to mention being pregnant. I would see DH off for a few weeks and accept that although it will be tough on your own, that is your contribution to what the situation requires IYSWIM.

Your DC don't have any actual "rights" to see their grandfather and it could well be distressing.

I, i, i, i

You do realise the world does not revolve around you?

I am absolutely astounded by you op.

You are not a nice person.

I think you need to have a very calm think about what's in everyone's best interests. How will dh get to spend the most / best quality time with his dad? How can you get support with kids / pregnancy? Where will dc be happiest / safest / best taken care of? Put all the emotions and thoughts of 'rights' to one side and think about this rationally.

Would you want your DH and children to go with you if the roles were reversed and your parent was dying?

Im not sure what family problems you have had, but his dad is dying and your post makes you sound uncaring and self centred. You talk about trampling on the feelings and wishes of grieving people, your rights to a house of someone who is has not died yet, and you flip flopping your mind about going or not. You do not sound as if you have much sympathy for the dying person, and you only want to go to make a point or cause confrontation.

So perhaps it is better if you don't go, initially at least but I would let your children go. Like you say originally, it may be the last time they see their granddad. If they are there for a while you could join them later.

Your post is all "me, me, me", it actually makes me feel quite sad and laves a nasty taste all at the same time.

Which country is your FIL in?

BTW, you didnt "send" your DD on holiday with him, her father took her holiday with him.

They are his children too!

If you are so hot headed you can't control yourself around a dying man then you seriously need help. Genuinely.

I really feel sorry for your dh, instead of getting support when he has just received the news his dad is dying, he is getting it in the neck from you over your wants and needs, utterly selfish.

Fanjo, fil is a lovely man and he loves me and his grandchildren. He would absolutely love to see his grandchildren and me. It's dh's sister who has a problem with me and she is also going over tomorrow. She's told DH that I won't be welcome. Not fil.

Bloody hell .
What about offering your dh some love and support while he goes through this terrible experience? Perhaps your 'rights' to the house or your children's 'rights to meet their grandfather mean jackshit compared to the right of your dh to spend his last moments with his father in a peaceful, loving and calm environment.

I'm thinking the same megs!! It's reading like one.

Which country is your husband from? Curious as I can't imagine a place where a son has an automatic right to live in his father's house.
As for your behaviour, ghastly would be putting it mildly.
Try to understand that this is not about your nor your children's rights, but about a dying man and his son.

Fine it seems I was being unreasonable.

HeyArnold,
I am presuming that something is being missed in your explanation, as your OP comes over as very self-centred.

A question like this is perhaps better not asked in AIBU.

I think that you have to do what you can to support your DH at this time.

Has there been arguments with your SIL before? Is that why you are reluctant to go?

Seriously OP, your posts disgust me.

You think it is all about you when it absolutely is not.

You are pregnant- big wow.

You won't see your husband 4 for weeks- big wow.

Your husband will NEVER see his father again.

Think about that.

I dont think that your DH should take the children, for the sole reason that his focus will be on looking after them and not his dying father and he will be worrying about you criticising his crap parenting when he brings them home.

Grow up, suck it up, take one for the team. Have I used enough crappy teen-speak? You and your DH are supposed to be a team, so fucking act like a team member and do what is best for everyone and not what will get you most attention!

Had to log in just to reply as can't believe your attitude OP. Your husband's father is dying and this is all about you and your right to live in this house, and your confrontational personailty, and none of 'my poor DH...'.

Your pregnancy does complicate matters in terms of travel, maybe you could all travel there together then you come back and leave DC with DH in his country for a few weeks, if he is agreeable to that. It's one of those times when you ought to put him first.
Yes your DC could pick up bad habits but they can do so in soft play, nursery or school.
Death is very final, see what your DH wants to do and do it, don't make him feel any worse.

Big wow
There's a phrase I've not heard for a while.

Of course your DH goes. Of course you have to manage at home. Up to you whether he takes one of DC but depending on age if they miss too much school could lose their place. Get a grip his father in dying.

Wow... just wow.