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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About DH going abroad to see his ill father who may well die for more than 4 weeks.

164 replies

HeyArnold · 09/07/2013 22:45

My dh's dad is ill in another country. Apparently the doctors haven't given him very long, and he may well pass away. This is news we found out today.

We've had a lot of family problems in the last few months or so. When he first got ill, I told DH that we should all go as a family and meet him so his grandchildren (our childten) remember him. According to him I wasn't welcome in his house due to these family problems, and up until yesterday we were arguing for 6 hours about this whole situation. I had told him that if he goes we're all going because I don't care if I'm not welcome. My children have a right to see their grandfather before he dies. Also, according to tradition, the house also belongs to my dh and its my right to live in that house as his wife. He agrees with me but was worried about some kind of fight erupting whilst I'm there and doesn't want me getting caught up in it.

I was so angry at him. Apparently he doesn't want me to go for my own good.

Anyway, today he's told me that he's taken a turn for the worse. By coincidence his sister and brother are going over aswell tomorrow and DH phoned me during the day and told me to prepare the children's passports and book tickets as he wants to go too.

I don't know why, but I've had a turn of heart and I've told him to go alone and I don't want to go now. I'm nearly 6 months pregnant and he's offered to take our elder dc with him so I'd have less work, but I've said no, as I know there will be no discipline and she'll come back a terror. He's saying he will be going for more than 4 weeks as he doesn't know what will happen, obviously if his dad dies, he may stay longer until the funeral.

AIBU for not going with him? Should I go? I don't know how I will cope for 4+ weeks on my own with two children and pregnant, but I can't stop DH from being with his ill and dying father. I don't have the energy to go and fight battles either. I'm quite hot headed and will speak my mind, but since getting pregnant I can't stand any confrontation which is why I've backed down from this "we all go together" thing.

I'm really confused.

OP posts:
MmeLindor · 09/07/2013 23:17

Hey, can we not call the OP a bitch please? That is totally uncalled for.

Eyesunderarock · 09/07/2013 23:18

Excellent advice Mme Lindor, let's hope the OP takes it.

Original poster
HeyArnold · 09/07/2013 23:18

thebody you normally make decisions about hating someone after you've met them. I've never met her. She didn'tt attend our wedding either.

I think I have come across quite badly in my OP. this is why I like MN. I know I'm being a stupid horrible and callous person. Thanks for making me see that.

OP posts:
ouryve · 09/07/2013 23:19

I never met my maternal grandfather (beyond being a tiny baby and him telling my mum to get that thing out of the house).

Knowing that I wasn't welcome, I've never had any regrets that I wasn't taken to see him. It would have been a miserable, maybe even a frightening experience.

I'm guessing that your DCs don't even know their grandfather, in which case, now is not the time. Certainly not if it would be awkward.

And FWIW, it sounds like you've been bloody unlpleasant to your DH, at a time when he's facing losing his father. Whatever your feelings about the estrangement, you owe him a huge apology.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 09/07/2013 23:20

Please try and see beyond your own wants and needs, they really do come second/ third/ last in this situation. Ask your dh what he wants you to do, really, not just to please you, but what's really best for him. Ask him how best you can support him... And then do it.

YABVU and the whole lot of posts make me really sad.

Bogeyface · 09/07/2013 23:20

Even if your SIL is a massive pain in the backside, even if she has decided that you are the spawn of Satan, it doesnt matter right now.

You behaved very badly when you threw your first hissy fit, you have now had a rethink, thats good.

What you need to do is to say (or write an email?) to your DH and explain that you were wrong, you are sorry and that you want him to go and have a stress free time with his dad. Tell him that you will be fine when he is away (even if you are worried you may not be) and that you will take good care of yourself, your baby and the DC.

It seems that he is booking tickets for all of you because of the disgraceful show you put on when he first mentioned going alone. You need to show him that you have had a genuine change of heart and never ever bring it up again. Never, in an argument, say "Well I didnt go to your dads because......" or "I would have been with you at your dads but I wasnt because......". Do this for him, draw a line under your issue with the SIL and support him. Marriage is a two way street, I think it is time you started giving him some support and stopped being so demanding.

Rowlers · 09/07/2013 23:21

Look after your husband, love.

Original poster
HeyArnold · 09/07/2013 23:21

Ourvye I've already apologised earlier today when I told him I didn't want to go and he should go alone.

OP posts:
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 09/07/2013 23:21

My Dh is from another country and if HIS parent was dying, DH could go with or without me for as long as he bloody wanted to. Whether I was pregnant, having a baby or not. I can't believe your attitude.

aldiwhore · 09/07/2013 23:22

I feel for you actually, but YABU.

It's time to take the moral highground and do what's right. In this case it means doing whatever you can for your DH.

As he should do for you if the situation were reversed.

In the kindest possible way, this isn't about you, it's not even about an interrupted routine for your children, the centre of this is your DH and his father. Rightly or wrongly I feel you should always tread very carefully around these things. It will do no good to prove a point now, now is not the time.

Sorry. I appreciate it must be extremely difficult, and I don't think you sound like a 'princess' but you've vented on here, so now you need to step up.

Not because you need to be the good wife, but because you need to be a wise woman!

oreocookiez · 09/07/2013 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Original poster
HeyArnold · 09/07/2013 23:24

I had a change of heart because I realised that if my dad was dying and someone was stopping me from going it would kill me. I told him that earlier. I'm not a bitch. Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 09/07/2013 23:25

Oreo to be fair to the OP, the SIL in question has never met the OP and made her hatred of the OP clear even before she married her DH.

MmeLindor · 09/07/2013 23:27

I do wish people would RTFT.

There is a LOT more to this than the OP. Read the other posts first before you call HeyArnold names.

Freesia2013 · 09/07/2013 23:28

My husband was a great support when my mum died unexpectedly this year so I'm sure your support will be appreciated. Can you leave your DC with family/friends?

Bogeyface · 09/07/2013 23:29

Hey I do think that an email or letter would be a good idea.

You can put down exactly why you kicked off in the first place, which I think you agree was very shoddy of you, and explain your genuine change of heart. Then he can go alone, without any of the guilt he would have been feeling otherwise.

I was very harsh earlier because your initial reaction was absolutely wrong and disgusted me, but as you have now made it clear that you feel differently, I think that you priority should be to make your DH realise that. And as I said before, you must must must apologise.

oreocookiez · 09/07/2013 23:29

bogeyface I can see your point there, but this kind of thing will make them think there first impressions were right! she is not doing herself any favours

Freesia2013 · 09/07/2013 23:31

Ps I understand it's difficult enough for an adult when someone close dies let alone a child

Bearbehind · 09/07/2013 23:32

mmelindor do you have access to bits of the thread the no one else does?

The OP doesn't get on with her in-laws- so what?

If she reacts to other situations in the way she has to this, that is hardly surprising.

You really can't expect people not to judge her on what she put in her OP as it is so disgustly self centred.

MmeLindor · 09/07/2013 23:33

I agree with Bogey.

Write or speak with your DH. Try not to shift blame onto anyone, just a plain apology for your reaction, and try to sort something out.

Are you ok, in your marriage?

Inertia · 09/07/2013 23:34

Sounds like you have accepted that YABU. I reckon your best course of action now is:

  • Apologise to your husband for not giving your full support and reassure him that he has it now.

-Let the issue with SIL lie. Be the bigger person and just leave her be for now.

  • Stay at home with the children, let DH go. Your Dh will probably want to support FIL and the rest of his family without needing to worry about childcare or meeting the needs of teh children. Plus you don't want the complication of flying in late pregnancy.
MmeLindor · 09/07/2013 23:34

Bear
She has elaborated in later posts, including that her marriage was an arranged one, and that her SIL rejected her from the start.

I am going to infer from that that there is more to the situation that explained in the OP.

Jinsei · 09/07/2013 23:36

Ease up on the OP FFS! She has already admitted that she was BU. She is pregnant, upset about her DSIL and worried about being on her own with two small kids for an extended period. Yes, she needs to let her DH go and focus on his dad, but she knows that now.

OP, my DH is overseas with his dying mum at the moment. I don't know how long he's going to stay. I work FT and it is hard to juggle stuff without him, especially with school holidays coming up - DH normally looks after her in the summer, when my job is especially busy.

It's tough, but it's much, much tougher for DH who is facing the loss of a parent, and I wouldn't have dreamt of standing in his way. It's time to call in favours from other people, get help for you if you need it. But let your DH do what he needs to do, so that neither of you have any regrets.

Bogeyface · 09/07/2013 23:36

Oh I agree with you oreo, but I think that if she does the right thing now then she can atleast say that they are wrong. She can honestly say that yes, she behaved badly at first, but once she calmed down and thought about it, she supported her husband.

Tbh, the SIL sounds like a PITA, but I wonder if that is because she is losing her family home, or the family home that she cared for her dying father in, to her brother who doesnt even live in the same country. I have to admit that I would be pissed off if that happened to me. But then I wouldnt have hated a woman I had never met......got splinters in my bum from this fence :o

Original poster
HeyArnold · 09/07/2013 23:37

Oreo, I'm having a third because I CAN cope when I have DH helping me do even small jobs around the house. That's a really offensive comment actually. What's it to you if I have 3 or 10 children? You know nothing about my pregnancy or my problems, so you're in no position to question why I'm having a third child.

Thanks bogeyface and MmeLindor. I will take your advice. I'm happier talking to DH face to face so I will explain why I felt that way before. He already knows my feelings about that. But my change of heart is genuine and I hope he does believe me. He should, because I told him I wouldn't want him to do this to me of my dad was ill.

He'll be home later and ill talk to him then

OP posts:
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