About DH going abroad to see his ill father who may well die for more than 4 weeks.

[HeyArnold]

My dh's dad is ill in another country. Apparently the doctors haven't given him very long, and he may well pass away. This is news we found out today.

We've had a lot of family problems in the last few months or so. When he first got ill, I told DH that we should all go as a family and meet him so his grandchildren (our childten) remember him. According to him I wasn't welcome in his house due to these family problems, and up until yesterday we were arguing for 6 hours about this whole situation. I had told him that if he goes we're all going because I don't care if I'm not welcome. My children have a right to see their grandfather before he dies. Also, according to tradition, the house also belongs to my dh and its my right to live in that house as his wife. He agrees with me but was worried about some kind of fight erupting whilst I'm there and doesn't want me getting caught up in it.

I was so angry at him. Apparently he doesn't want me to go for my own good.

Anyway, today he's told me that he's taken a turn for the worse. By coincidence his sister and brother are going over aswell tomorrow and DH phoned me during the day and told me to prepare the children's passports and book tickets as he wants to go too.

I don't know why, but I've had a turn of heart and I've told him to go alone and I don't want to go now. I'm nearly 6 months pregnant and he's offered to take our elder dc with him so I'd have less work, but I've said no, as I know there will be no discipline and she'll come back a terror. He's saying he will be going for more than 4 weeks as he doesn't know what will happen, obviously if his dad dies, he may stay longer until the funeral.

AIBU for not going with him? Should I go? I don't know how I will cope for 4+ weeks on my own with two children and pregnant, but I can't stop DH from being with his ill and dying father. I don't have the energy to go and fight battles either. I'm quite hot headed and will speak my mind, but since getting pregnant I can't stand any confrontation which is why I've backed down from this "we all go together" thing.

I'm really confused.

Say this

"I was wrong. I am so sorry that I made this even harder for you than it already is. I panicked, I kicked off and I shouldnt have done, I am ashamed of myself and am truly sorry. I want you to go and be with your dad without worrying about me, the baby or the children. We will be aboslutely fine. I love you"

Jinsei how long has your DH been gone for? Do find the children are missing him a lot?

We'll be in contact via Skype and FaceTime so I hope they won't miss him too much.

Well, Bear. Maybe I like to wait and see the real reason behind such an unreasonable OP.

There have been few AIBU threads where the OP really was being totally unreasonable. Most times, the OP gives a bit more information and it becomes clear that there are other issues. I don't like to jump to conclusions, and to judge other women for the mistakes they have made.

Just because arranged marriages are common in other cultures, doesn't mean that everything is ok in Arnold's marriage, and that she doesn't need some kind and honest advice.

This is all a bit confusing. There's no doubt you have written an unfortunate OP and you have come across as selfish and a bit needy. Perhaps you aren't normally like this and pregnancy has made you a bit feel a bit vulnerable and confused . Perhaps I am being overly generous and you are in fact as selfish as you first sounded. You really didn't need to mention the house and your rights over it. I also thought your insistence on the rights of your children to see their GF was not really the issue either. By the sounds of it your children are very young. I am not sure that their rights about this are relevant, if indeed they have any.

But on the other hand, you say your FIL loves you and your children and would like to see you. Has he asked to see you? Because whilst everybody has said, and rightly so, that this is about DH and his dying father, if your FIL has asked to see you and your children then maybe you should think about going. Is that why your DH changed his mind? Because his father wants to see you?

It is all very well saying that your SIL is losing her father and you should stay away to spare any argument but if your FIL actually wants to see you and you could be there to support your DH then should the SIL wishes over ride the wishes of her dying father an her brother. I don't know. I do think it is difficult to say because there is so much of the story missing.

And just as a matter of interest, where is your MIL in all this? If she is still alive, what does she think about it all?

I see your point mme (and you're are clearly much nicer than me) but surely, if the OP can write such an inflammatory first post, she should realise that that is probably part of the reason for her family issues.

Not many people can be bothered to look beyond what is actually said, and, in many instances, they shouldn't have to.

Thanks for being understanding bogeyface and MmeLindor. It really means a lot.

Tbh, I think I said the whole "I have rights too" thing in retaliation to the "you won't be welcome". In retrospect, what a shit thing to say.

DH will be home soon and he said he wanted to see if he can books tickets tonight. So I'll talk to him then. Thanks again MN.

My MIL passed away a very long time ago before we got married.

Good luck. Hope you and your DH can come to an agreement.

Well done for realising YWBU, and for admitting it, that takes a very brave person. I hope you and your dh manage to work something out, you have a very stressful time ahead and you will need each others support

I hope you sort it out. :)

That's a shame. She could perhaps have been a mediator between your and your SIL. Your FIL isn't in a position to sort out the differences between his children but perhaps she might have been able to on his behalf.... assuming she wouldn't have been against your marriage as well.

I hope you work something out which makes this difficult time as easy for your DH as possible.

I hope the talk goes well and you can give each other love and support at this time. I hope too that your husband can find peace in going to see his father at the end.

He's been away nearly two weeks Hey. DD does miss him but she is old enough to understand why he has gone, and that it's important for him to be there. We did wonder if we should all go, but I don't want her to remember her grandmother the way she is now. :(

I am probably missing him more tbh, dd is quite happy talking on Skype. I'm also missing all of the practical stuff he does, like school pick-ups, stuff around the house etc. But it's just one of those things. He won't get another opportunity to spend this time with his mum. He needs to be there, and she needs him. DH was worried about how I'd manage everything without him, but I didn't want him to have to think about that. We'll manage. And so will you.

I can understand how the stuff with your SIL must be hurtful OP, but now isn't the time for that. Just put your own feelings aside for a bit, your DH really needs to be able to focus on his dad.

I'm glad you are rethinking this. Pick your battles and your timing. SIL may well be a selfish bitch but now is not the time to deal with it. No matter how justified your feelings any situation between you at FIL's will be turned on you and you will get the blame for causing upset at a sad time. Brutally once FIL is gone you may not have to deal with her much again.
DH is from a large family in a different culture and country and over the years he has had the middle of the night phone calls to travel home and you just have to manage it as best you can. I don't like two of my SIL much as they are both poisonous gossips but I always play nice because the consequences of any bust up will fall on DH and in the end I can just avoid dealing with the SIL most of the time.

I know this is AIBU (HeyArnold I'd suggest you post elsewhere if you are pregnant) but personal attacks are still not allowed. Some of these posts are really offensive, unnecessarily so. The OP says they are 6 months pregnant - some posters need to think back to how they were at that stage and whether they were always completely reasonable.

OP if this is real then YABU and should apologise to your husband. This should be about how you can best support him at a difficult time.

Not read the thread but YABU. You nedd to support DH in WHAT HE WANTS TO DO in this upsetting time. Your wishes shouldn't even enter the equation.

OP, I am currently abroad visting a dying father and can tell you, without a doubt, that this is NOT the time to have the children "get to know him".

Shouldn't it be banned to start a response to an AIBU with "not read the thread" - the OP has now repeatedly acknowledged her U :)

I am glad you now know you are being unreasonable. I don't think you are a bitch, you did act U but at the same time you realise that and put it right :)

I can imagine how it must feel to have your SIL hate you before she has ever met you and how horrible it must be to feel pushed out.. that does suck.

At least read the OP's responses, if you CBA to RTFT.

OP, you have acknowledged YABU. Good for you. Good luck with everything.

How many more people are going to come along telling her to grow up etc?

Can't people at least read all her posts before posting?

Posted the same time as MrsTerry