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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

About DH going abroad to see his ill father who may well die for more than 4 weeks.

164 replies

HeyArnold · 09/07/2013 22:45

My dh's dad is ill in another country. Apparently the doctors haven't given him very long, and he may well pass away. This is news we found out today.

We've had a lot of family problems in the last few months or so. When he first got ill, I told DH that we should all go as a family and meet him so his grandchildren (our childten) remember him. According to him I wasn't welcome in his house due to these family problems, and up until yesterday we were arguing for 6 hours about this whole situation. I had told him that if he goes we're all going because I don't care if I'm not welcome. My children have a right to see their grandfather before he dies. Also, according to tradition, the house also belongs to my dh and its my right to live in that house as his wife. He agrees with me but was worried about some kind of fight erupting whilst I'm there and doesn't want me getting caught up in it.

I was so angry at him. Apparently he doesn't want me to go for my own good.

Anyway, today he's told me that he's taken a turn for the worse. By coincidence his sister and brother are going over aswell tomorrow and DH phoned me during the day and told me to prepare the children's passports and book tickets as he wants to go too.

I don't know why, but I've had a turn of heart and I've told him to go alone and I don't want to go now. I'm nearly 6 months pregnant and he's offered to take our elder dc with him so I'd have less work, but I've said no, as I know there will be no discipline and she'll come back a terror. He's saying he will be going for more than 4 weeks as he doesn't know what will happen, obviously if his dad dies, he may stay longer until the funeral.

AIBU for not going with him? Should I go? I don't know how I will cope for 4+ weeks on my own with two children and pregnant, but I can't stop DH from being with his ill and dying father. I don't have the energy to go and fight battles either. I'm quite hot headed and will speak my mind, but since getting pregnant I can't stand any confrontation which is why I've backed down from this "we all go together" thing.

I'm really confused.

OP posts:
JackyDanny · 10/07/2013 08:54

Want to add, one day you may well be on your death bed - what would you think to one of your children's spouses arguing that they should or shouldn't come to see you?

I suggest doing this ' how would I feel if that was me ' check on all your relations with others.

The humility you have shown is a good beginning.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/07/2013 09:08

Samu great minds think alike.

crashdoll · 10/07/2013 09:09

"I haven't read the thread but I am arrogant enough to think my opinion really matters, so here it is...."

shewhowines · 10/07/2013 09:24

Yep I'm so arrogant. So shoot me

Alwayscheerful · 10/07/2013 09:24

Perhaps you should consider encouraging your DH to go with all the children, I am sure they will enjoy seeing their extended family and cousins and you should take advantage and put your feet up at home.

You can deal with the childrens behaviour together when they get home, in the meantime recharge your batteries, prepare for the new baby and send your love to your FIL.

Cravey · 10/07/2013 09:49

This reply has been deleted

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Sallystyle · 10/07/2013 09:58

Cravey, if you had read this thread you would realise that she has seen the error of her ways and is going to apologise, right?

So why the need to keep calling her selfish when she has admitted she has been and now taking steps to rectify it?

I guess I just don't understand people who want to continue to call someone selfish when they have already admitted themselves that they have been selfish and now regretful about it.

ZolaBuddleia · 10/07/2013 10:05

What about the whole family going, and you looking after the children over there and not going to the family house?

So, you avoid adding to the tension, DH has his wife and children with him to support him, the FIL can see the children if he'd like to, but you stay off the scene in a hotel or something?

diddl · 10/07/2013 11:24

Who does FIL want to see?

If he's too ill to make his wishes known, then imo it's up to OPs husband if he goes alone or not.

AmandaLF · 10/07/2013 12:33

I haven't read the whole thread but would it be a possibility for you to stay in a hotel? If sil leaves for a couple of hours as fil wants to see you then you can go? Also if it got too much for children or your husband needed to spend time in his own then you were there?

I hope your chat last night went well.

Original poster
HeyArnold · 10/07/2013 13:02

Hey everyone. DH and I talked last night and he's booked a ticket for Saturday. He says he won't be gone more than 4-6 weeks as we couldn't afford him staying longer than that. He seems more relaxed already. I know the children will miss him but I think with Facebook and Skype and all these other messaging apps we should be fine. I'm not going to lie, I am very nervous about staying alone with the kids for so long but I'll spend the time having days out with friends and having sleepovers for dd so she fills the time.

OP posts:
Jinsei · 10/07/2013 13:29

Well done, OP, you've done the right thing. And you'll be fine on your own with the kids - it might be daunting but you will cope!! :)

Cravey · 10/07/2013 13:32

I called her selfish because she is. Right.

JackyDanny · 10/07/2013 13:37

Just do the 4-6 weeks one day at a time OP.
Try and have a day out or activity once a week, days in the park, library etc.
Check out kids AM at the cinema, it's £1.50pp round here.

Let your friends know that you are nervous about parenting alone for this time so they can offer support.

Are there any activities being offered through your local sure start centre?
Ours do picnics and stuff.

With this new perspective you have found your marraige will get stronger, and you could end up with positive changes with your DC too, as they have to lean on you a bit while dad is not there. Walk through the fear, there is confidence on the other side.

Well done.

JackyDanny · 10/07/2013 13:38

Marriage.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 10/07/2013 13:41

Cravey
Grow up this thread isn't about you.

Hey Arnold

Sounds good. You will be OK and remember the odd day not doing very much is also good for children. Pootling around the house in the pyjamas and having a picnic under the dining table is a good day in most children's eyes. Take it easy on yourself.

Cravey · 10/07/2013 14:05

Chas last time I looked I was an adult. She is selfish. My opinion. Which she asked for. And you're right. The thread isn't about me. It's about a man who is losing his father and his wife is helping him along by being stressy and selfish. Anything else ???

differentnameforthis · 10/07/2013 14:07

I don't think your dh will be in the right mind to be strict with his daughter while - for all intents & purposes - he watches his father die. Either you all go, or he should go alone.

I would not want my children to meet a dying man though.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 10/07/2013 14:08

Cravey
Her husband has booked a ticket already just for him. He is going with her blessing. She had a bit of a panic, they had another chat, its all sorted.

Cravey · 10/07/2013 14:11

I know I read that bit thanks. I standby by what I said. Her husband is going through major stress and trauma. She hasn't made it easier for him. She made it harder.

LemonPeculiarJones · 10/07/2013 14:22

She's accepted she was being unreasonable and made amends.

What's the point of piling in telling her she's selfish now? Other than to give you an opportunity to vent some spleen?

daisychain01 · 10/07/2013 14:22

This thread caused some very dynamic conversations and it is amazing how some 'firm but fair' comments have helped navigate OP through such a highly charged emotional situation. Well done for taking on board suggestions so maturely

One observation I would make to people who continued to hurl harsh names at HeyArnold even after her seeing things from a different perspective .... its the easiest thing in the world to carry on throwing rocks from behind your computer screen when you arent emotionally entangled, much better to move forward and give support rather than playing a game with a vulnerable person.

HeyArnold you show dignity by not responding negatively. I hope your time with the children will be a comfort while DH is away. X

Cravey · 10/07/2013 14:28

The point is its a public forum. Op asked. I gave my opinion.it doesn't change just because she has now decided to back away and let him go without anymore stress. I didn't comment on the looking after the children thing as I'm sure she will cope. Most of us do don't we ? I hope her husband gets there in time and is able to spend time with his father etc.

Cravey · 10/07/2013 14:29

Can I also point out ? I have in no way vented my spleen. Simply offered my opinion.

thebody · 10/07/2013 14:29

Bloody well done op. you posted honestly and didn't spare yourself from criticism, you got it and took it in the chin.

You have made a great decision and be ok with that.

Chill with kids and be good to yourself.

Hope your dh is ok and that your fil had a peaceful and pain free death.

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