About DH going abroad to see his ill father who may well die for more than 4 weeks.

[HeyArnold]

My dh's dad is ill in another country. Apparently the doctors haven't given him very long, and he may well pass away. This is news we found out today.

We've had a lot of family problems in the last few months or so. When he first got ill, I told DH that we should all go as a family and meet him so his grandchildren (our childten) remember him. According to him I wasn't welcome in his house due to these family problems, and up until yesterday we were arguing for 6 hours about this whole situation. I had told him that if he goes we're all going because I don't care if I'm not welcome. My children have a right to see their grandfather before he dies. Also, according to tradition, the house also belongs to my dh and its my right to live in that house as his wife. He agrees with me but was worried about some kind of fight erupting whilst I'm there and doesn't want me getting caught up in it.

I was so angry at him. Apparently he doesn't want me to go for my own good.

Anyway, today he's told me that he's taken a turn for the worse. By coincidence his sister and brother are going over aswell tomorrow and DH phoned me during the day and told me to prepare the children's passports and book tickets as he wants to go too.

I don't know why, but I've had a turn of heart and I've told him to go alone and I don't want to go now. I'm nearly 6 months pregnant and he's offered to take our elder dc with him so I'd have less work, but I've said no, as I know there will be no discipline and she'll come back a terror. He's saying he will be going for more than 4 weeks as he doesn't know what will happen, obviously if his dad dies, he may stay longer until the funeral.

AIBU for not going with him? Should I go? I don't know how I will cope for 4+ weeks on my own with two children and pregnant, but I can't stop DH from being with his ill and dying father. I don't have the energy to go and fight battles either. I'm quite hot headed and will speak my mind, but since getting pregnant I can't stand any confrontation which is why I've backed down from this "we all go together" thing.

I'm really confused.

If it is a reverse AIBU, the OP still comes across very badly indeed.

Hi OP
You only have a few times in life to really do the right thing, so let this be one of them.
Send your DH to be with his father with all of your support and put your agenda to one side.

YAB WEIRDLY U.
Losing a parent is very very hard.
Regardless of your views on his family, you need to be supporting your dh as best you can. You argued with him for 6 hours when his father is dying?
Not sure I could forgive that.
And your children have NO right to see this dying man.
Your DH needs your support now and will do for quite some time I suspect. Think again about your behaviour because it doesn't look good from here.

y'think? bloody hell.

If you can't cope with your own two children for a couple of weeks, why did you think another one was a good idea?

It doesnt matter if it is your SIL, your FIL or the Queen who said it. Your DH felt it would be easier for HIM and your FIL if you didnt go. You didnt have to agree but at such a difficult time you should have let it go, said "OK, you go and tell FIL that we love him". But you didnt, and that is what has pissed everyone off.

You need to stop being so selfish and me me me. This is not about you! It is about your husband seeing his father who is dying..... TBH what place do you have there? and what rights do your kids have to meet a guy once and will never see again?? Your husband may want to see his father alone without having to worry about looking after you as I am sorry but you sound very high maintainence, The man isnt even dead yet and you are kicking up a fuss about it being half your husbands house and you have a right to live there with him..... Is it a wonder he didnt want you to go,
Let the man see his dad without you being a drama queen in the background thrusting yourself and your kids onto a dying man.... Stop being so self centred

To add if it's your SIL that has the problem with you, if you do go remember her father is dying so go easy. If your FIL is so loveley couldn't you rise above it?

I missed that.

Arguing for 6 hours with a man who is desperate to be with his dying father?

That is utterly disgusting.

MmeLindor if I went into detail about the family problems it would be a 500 page novel. There are a lot of problems between my family and dh's family at the moment. Sil hates me because she didnt want my DH to marry me (arranged marriage). She never came and met or even phoned to congratulate when our children were born. Things are very turbulent at the moment. I'm like the outcast. I don't want to go because I don't want the whole trip to turn into a circus, like DH told me before. He should just go and be with his dad.

Ive just re read and seen the part about arguing for SIX HOURS..... good god that poor man. If I were him I would take the kids and stay there and leave you on your high horse,

If the SIL is the only person saying you're not welcome, you still have no business being there. It's her dad that's dying. Unless he specifically requests to see you on his deathbed, you respect the wishes of the family.

Doesn't sound like your children have had much of a relationship with their paternal grandfather so i'm not so sure if they will remember much of him anyway even if they did go.

If there is a lot of friction between you and your FIL surely it's better for your DH to spend the remaining time alone with him. No offence but you do come over a bit entitled laying claim to somebody's house before they have even passed away. Whatever you feel you may be entitled to you have a bit of decorum and wait till they are dead before voicing your 'rights'

This and big obviously.

Hope you see sense.

Hmm, YABU but what does your dh actually want? What do the children want? The wishes of the dying man are most important.

Perhaps you & children could follow in a week or so for an acceptable length of time if everyone wants this.

Your dh must do what he needs. Pregnant or not if you try to stamp your feet about his father's death I'm sorry to say it's likely to be a bone of contention for years to come.

Good luck. & hope you get through this difficult time

Ahem

My dp fell out with his dad. We had another baby. I was so upset they were not speaking. I urged him to get in touch, to let him know that there was another grandchild. About 10 weeks after the birth, his mum phoned. His dad was dying. He lasted about 4 weeks. I never saw him again, he did not see his grandchild. He was too ill. He just wanted to see his son. That was enough.

SIl was probably right about not wanting her brother to marry you, it seems to be a mismatch.

HeyArnold
Can I give you some advice here - this thread was a bad idea. Going by what you have said, there is a whole lot more going on than you were able to explain in your OP.

If I were you, I would hide the thread cause it will just be a lot of people saying that you are being VU.

Or set out in a bit more detail the main issues (if that is possible and if it won't out you in RL). Might be worth starting a new thread in Relationships with a less incendiary title.

So a man is dying and you think you should be allowed to impose yourself on his last few weeks knowing that he doesn't want you there?

Your husband's dad is dying and he doesn't want to you to come but you insisted you would go despite knowing this would make things harder on your husband?

You think your kids have a right to see their dying grandad? Until, that is, you decide you don't want to go after all when suddenly the right you insisted they have is of no importance at all, out of the question in fact?