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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Slap This Woman Back?

294 replies

RightOldSlapper · 08/07/2013 16:52

I've nc'd for this as don't want it to follow me adoring but am a regular poster (Yoni, Pom Bears, Naice Ham, Wilf etc).

I'm not asking AIBU as I know I was but I'm asking to what degree was I unreasonable, say on a scale of 1 to 5 in regards to the following incident.

Yesterday, DS3 (aged 13) and DS4 (aged 9), were playing out in our street, with 6 other similarly aged children who live on the same street, DS3 being the eldest. They were not directly outside our house but around 8-10 houses down. There is a small junction in between, and while I recognise the residents in that area I certainly don't know them as well as my immediate neighbours. I am however very friendly with one of the others boys mum, who lives that far down.

I'd last seen them 20 minutes earlier having been checking on them every half hour. Anyway, at some point DS4 and a few of the other boys came running in saying that a woman up the road has hit DS3 and says she's going to kill him. I arrived to find this woman still shouting at DS3.

Apparently DS3 had fallen off his bike and over her very low front garden wall (max 2ft) onto her flowerbed. Apparently he had damaged her garden and crushed her cat. I could see no visible damage to the shrubs (no flowers). The cat was nowhere to be seen. It was an accident. She had been washing her car and had rushed over yanked him up, screamed at him and slapped twice; once on the top of the back and once across the face.

While I was there trying to resolve the situation she threatened to slap him again. Am not pleased with myself but I lost my temper and I grabbed her then hit her twice. I've been feeling guilty but not. Am quite conflicted, and am also quite shocked still at what happened, friends/family have said it was ok but I just wonder was it really that ok or am I totally irrational.

So yes how unreasonable was I?

I don't want to drip feed but I haven't written down all minutiae of this incident as I didn't want to start straying into Dostoyevsky territory. However I'm happy to provide further details if some of you feel its relevant.

OP posts:
UserError · 08/07/2013 18:05

I can't say I'd have done anything differently to be honest.

I would still consider calling the police and telling them exactly what happened. I imagine they'd be far more interested in a woman who assaults a child than the child's mother's retaliatory reaction.

SignoraStronza · 08/07/2013 18:06

I'd have sent my very big, hairy, tattooed biker dh round for a menacingly 'quiet word.' Of course, she wouldn't know that he isn't scary, is a total pacifist and has no affiliation with the Hells Angels (other than knowing a few), but these things can easily be alluded to.

notanyanymore · 08/07/2013 18:07

She sounds like the local crazy cat lady...

FWIW I kind of hope I'd do the same in that situation. And, even more controversially I think you showed Ds a good example that you can be relied upon to stand up for him against crazed thugy loons threatening him with violence (even if they're bigger then you!)

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 08/07/2013 18:08

RightOldSlapper

Yes, probably

But who is anyone to say her anger is any less reasonable than yours, and therefore her hitting is more wrong than yours?

Hitting as a response to anger isn't a good thing. I can't swear I wouldn't do it, though

Dunno

What have you said to your DCs?

weisswusrt · 08/07/2013 18:08

If the police do come round, ask for a warrant, if none forthcoming shut door and ignore. Don't admit anything, don't accept a caution.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 08/07/2013 18:09

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. I would have done the same (worse!) as defending my child is an overriding instinct I refuse to supress - however un rational that may be!

I would also still call the police - get in first. She hit your child and threatened more - what else were you supposed to do? drag your DS down the street with her following with more slaps? not a chance! You did the right thing.

GettingVerySleepy · 08/07/2013 18:11

I would call the police and tell them what happened. This needs to be on that woman's record incise she ever assaults another child.

I'm going to give you a 3 for unreasonability because what you did wasn't premeditated and many of us admit we would might have done e same thing. If people can be let off for murder in "crimes of passion" then I think you should get a break for this. Still it's unfortunate because it would have been much more satisfying to have just had her arrested.

Original poster
RightOldSlapper · 08/07/2013 18:11

Of I'm honest I don't think I hit her as a defence, I think that her aggression made me lose my temper and I hit her because I'd lost control not to stop her hitting DS. As I think all that would have needed was me to block her path.

On the other hand I did gel she was being aggressive and threatening and I just wanted her to leave him alone.

I don't know, as I said I feel very conflicted.

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 08/07/2013 18:15

So you feel a bit annoyed that you lost control?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 08/07/2013 18:17

Don't keep blaming yourself. It's one of those circumstances that probably won't happen again

GettingVerySleepy · 08/07/2013 18:17

Just read back to the update where you said she threatened to kill your dc and that's when you grabbed her. Right you were totally defending your child and that is exactly what you should tell the police when you call them! You are being way too hard on yourself over this and she needs to be dealt with by the law. Call them now and explain you we're acting in defence of your child because it sounds to me like that's exactly what you were doing.

BrianTheMole · 08/07/2013 18:18

I don't know, I can't decide. Did you genuinely think she was going to hit him again? Is that why you did it?

pinkyredrose · 08/07/2013 18:20

This reply has been deleted

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Doingakatereddy · 08/07/2013 18:21

Sod the moral high ground.

She hit your child, you walloped her back - she wont mess with you again I suspect.

Gods Alive, do NOT go to police - whole world of pain. Do however sit with your kids & honestly tell them how awful (lie if necessary) you feel for been aggressive.

And well done from me.

kali110 · 08/07/2013 18:23

I think you were both in the wrong. She shouldnt have hit your child and you shouldnt have hit her. I would ask for the full story from the kids. Im not sure how i would react in that way. Tbh though i would go mad at anyone who hurt my cats. Some kids and dog walked past my house and saw my cat and were saying to let the dog get it. If i hadnt of been thereim sure they would have. I can honestly say i would have hit them and their dog if had hurt my cat. Some kids dont give a toss about animals. Not saying the op child is like that at all but that woman may have thought he was hurting her cat.

IneedAsockamnesty · 08/07/2013 18:24

I would be very surprised if any of the adults who go about there day hitting and threatening to hit children would do the same if an adult did the same thing.

Theyoniwayisnorthwards · 08/07/2013 18:25

She deserved it. I have never hit anyone in my life but if someone hit my child I can easily imagine losing it.
I hope your DS is OK.

Plomino · 08/07/2013 18:28

Honestly ? If I got called to this as a police officer , yes I'd come round to you and have a word ( and all this asking for a warrant is bollocks , we don't need one to speak to you ,only to search ) BUT , I'd also go round to her , and on the balance of probability , one of two things would happen . Either it would be cross allegations of common assault , albeit hers is more serious if you like because she hit a minor , and it would probably go nowhere because we'd have to arrest you both , and she would in all likelihood fail to pursue , as long as you also declined to do so , OR it might not even go that far , as in order to arrest you , we need a complaint in the first place and really , I can't imagine that the other woman is going to say 'yes she hit me ! Why? Because I slapped her child about the head .' Not logical really is it ?

Ring 101 by all means , but I honestly wouldn't see it going very far .

kitbit · 08/07/2013 18:30

Since you hit her only after she made moves towards your ds again I would have to say I'm with you OP, however Jerry Springer it might be.

But do talk to your kids about it, don't let them think you did it lightly or are pleased about it. I have said to ds that he will be in big trouble for starting a fight but he has my permission to finish it if one is started for him. You fit into that rule I think!

Don't feel bad, you were protecting your child.

kali110 · 08/07/2013 18:31

By sounds of it though op's child sounds like he will be an animal lover though!

RoxyFox211 · 08/07/2013 18:32

Yanb too u. She assaulted a minor (your ds) ! You were basically defending him so it was a form of defence (although not a legal one). Morally within your rights, legally not so much so but I doubt she will report you given her actions.just may cause a bit of drama in the estate. I probably would have done the same.

RoxyFox211 · 08/07/2013 18:38

All these people saying "sounds a bit Jeremy Kyle" get over yourselves. Ignorance is ugly. I've seen these things happen between middle class families who wouldn't be chauffeur driven within a mile of something so common as the jk show. So much snobbery in the air recently.

AcrylicPlexiglass · 08/07/2013 18:40

All very unedifying but totally understandable; these things happen. Even though 2 wrongs don't make a right I bet the police are quite glad that they haven't been bothered with all this and it'll probably pass into family legend.:)

Sallystyle · 08/07/2013 18:47

I would have slapped her one too.

Is it the best course of action? well no, but it is understandable.

FloweryOwl · 08/07/2013 18:48

It's easy to say you should of called the police..which would of been the right thing to do.
But if an adult hit one of my children it would take all my strength not to lose my temper and give them a hiding!

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