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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Slap This Woman Back?

294 replies

RightOldSlapper · 08/07/2013 16:52

I've nc'd for this as don't want it to follow me adoring but am a regular poster (Yoni, Pom Bears, Naice Ham, Wilf etc).

I'm not asking AIBU as I know I was but I'm asking to what degree was I unreasonable, say on a scale of 1 to 5 in regards to the following incident.

Yesterday, DS3 (aged 13) and DS4 (aged 9), were playing out in our street, with 6 other similarly aged children who live on the same street, DS3 being the eldest. They were not directly outside our house but around 8-10 houses down. There is a small junction in between, and while I recognise the residents in that area I certainly don't know them as well as my immediate neighbours. I am however very friendly with one of the others boys mum, who lives that far down.

I'd last seen them 20 minutes earlier having been checking on them every half hour. Anyway, at some point DS4 and a few of the other boys came running in saying that a woman up the road has hit DS3 and says she's going to kill him. I arrived to find this woman still shouting at DS3.

Apparently DS3 had fallen off his bike and over her very low front garden wall (max 2ft) onto her flowerbed. Apparently he had damaged her garden and crushed her cat. I could see no visible damage to the shrubs (no flowers). The cat was nowhere to be seen. It was an accident. She had been washing her car and had rushed over yanked him up, screamed at him and slapped twice; once on the top of the back and once across the face.

While I was there trying to resolve the situation she threatened to slap him again. Am not pleased with myself but I lost my temper and I grabbed her then hit her twice. I've been feeling guilty but not. Am quite conflicted, and am also quite shocked still at what happened, friends/family have said it was ok but I just wonder was it really that ok or am I totally irrational.

So yes how unreasonable was I?

I don't want to drip feed but I haven't written down all minutiae of this incident as I didn't want to start straying into Dostoyevsky territory. However I'm happy to provide further details if some of you feel its relevant.

OP posts:
FannyFifer · 08/07/2013 18:48

If I had been in the same situation OP I would have lamped her one.

Well done. You did the right thing.

PaperSeagull · 08/07/2013 18:53

Of course you were completely unreasonable. There is no justification for resorting to violence under these circumstances. The woman was also completely unreasonable and I hope I would have called the police immediately. Engaging in a confrontation with someone unhinged enough to assault a child could be very dangerous and result in some potentially terrible consequences.

I understand the emotional impulse that caused you to attack her. But IMO it was the wrong thing to do on every level. I'm a bit stunned by some of the cheering and support you're receiving on this thread. I think the last time I had a physical fight was with my brother when I was about 5. Do adults really engage in fisticuffs on a regular basis in some places?

seanbonbon · 08/07/2013 18:55

I have to be honest I'd have probably done the same- not great but there you go. She assaulted your child and then threatened to do it again!
There was a bully on our road when we were kids, we were petrified of him. One day he hit my sister just as my Dad drove up the road from work.
My Dad threw him up against a pole and told him he'd break his neck if he touched any of us again. ( he was 16 we were 7-13).
Maybe an over-reaction on my Dads part but he never bothered any of us again and we knew our Dad was protecting us. Not particularly nice but bullies don't deserve nice - she was an absolute bully.

Booboostoo · 08/07/2013 18:56

She sounds completely unhinged, hitting and threatening to kill a child for falling over in her garden?!!! You should call the police about this. Your actions are justified in defence of a third party.

seanbonbon · 08/07/2013 19:00

Loving the name btwGrin

weisswusrt · 08/07/2013 19:14

plomino do the police have new powers to force people to speak to them now? Or can they turn up, get ignored and then have no foot to stand on without arresting you or search warrant. I hate it when the police are vague or miss leading about what they can do!

rights

fengirl1 · 08/07/2013 19:16

You must be quite shaken by this. Fwiw, I think I would have reacted in the way you did - it's human nature to defend your children (I once had a very nasty confrontation with a woman who accused my dc of threatening her dc - they hadn't. I had previously and subsequently been very quiet, while she was known locally for getting into fights when drunk. I did not appreciate the finger being wagged in my and my dc's face, or the threats being made to us both. I went for her verbally, she went into the HT's office crying and I retired from the scene. I'm told I resembled a lioness... Grin) Give yourself a break and try to forget it. Hopefully she won't and will leave your and other people's dcs alone in future.

Scruffey · 08/07/2013 19:21

You lost any hope of remedying anything when you hit her. FGS I tell my 7yo if someone hits him, he must not hit back - firstly because you don't hit people and secondly because the teacher won't be able to tell the wood from the trees if both parties have been hitting.

Your ds fell onto her cat. Now I hate cats but I should think the poor cat was completely terrified and she was afraid for her pet and pissed at her garden being damaged. The cat will remember this. She reacted in anger and wrongly hit your ds. Your ds was not seriously injured and you needed to walk away at this point, dishing out no verbal or physical abuse and then you would have had the option of calling the police and reporting her for assault. Or you could have walked away and kept well away and not bother with the police. She slapped him in anger, causing nothing more than a red patch - he can take this, there was no need for you to start hitting.

I don't really understand how this was an accident. It sounds as though he was being a nuisance and messing about. I am sure he could have played on part of the street where he wasn't irritating residents going about their ordinary business.

Your supervision was adequate considering his age.

You telling her to go inside was ridiculous. Who do you think you are - the curfew police!?

Overall yabu and you will be lucky if she doesn't call the police on you for hitting her after your ds injured her cat!

Oh and your ds should learn that pissing random people off isn't a great idea.

MarmaladeTwatkins · 08/07/2013 19:21

"
How's the cat? Is it dead? Very hurt?"

Who gives a shit?!

I like through all this, someone is trying to make it an animal welfare issue. Hmm

I have owned enough cats in my lifetime to know that if a cat, with all of it's super instincts, senses a great big person about to crash down on top of it, it will scarper quicker than you can say squished moggy. Bollocks did OP's son crush her cat. What a load of hogwash.

SacreBlue · 08/07/2013 19:22

Erk... Not sure tbh. Some kids at that age near me I have often thought needed a slap but frankly as I don't chastise my DS like that IWBU hitting them in my own mind because that's just bloody hypocrital really and I would feel like shit afterwards for crossing my own boundaries.

If an adult hit my DS (and he is 14 but looks more like 16-18 because of his height and proudly grown fuzz/moustache ) I may well go 'off piste' with them but again it is hard to say because I know my son is not a git but we all do with our own kids don't we?

On balance the whole thing seems U

MarmaladeTwatkins · 08/07/2013 19:29

WTF Scruffey?

You whole post is shit.

Where does it say that OP's son was being a nuisance and messing about? As far as I can tell, he was legitimately riding his bike down a road, with friends and fell off over Thumper's wall. Accidents like this DO happen. Where would you suggest a suitable place is to fall off your bike?

LOL at "the cat will remember this". I do hope that woman gets her cat onto Dr Phil, quick smart.

Also LOL at the idea of her calling the police because a boy accidentally fell over her wall and landed on a cat. I think they would file that under "time-wasting nutters"

YouTheCat · 08/07/2013 19:31

Op already came back and said that cat has been spotted alive and well.

I don't know if I would have hit anyone in that situation but I have a rather impressive deep booming shouty voice that I save for special occasions.

I don't think OP was unreasonable - heat of the moment and all that.

Original poster
RightOldSlapper · 08/07/2013 19:34

I really don't think the cat was injured. I don't think the cat was even there

As I said I have 4 cats, and I have never not had at least 2 cats my entire life. I can only believe that if the cat was asleep would it have not jumped out the way. If the cat was asleep then yes there is a possibility DS could have landed on it. However I think there would have been noise from the cat, DS would have felt it either move or attack him and it would have been seen leaving, or probably would have been injured and moving slowly so would be noticeable.

No cat was seen of heard and one of the other boys was looking through the bushes, all of which are a similar height to the low wall, and did not find the cat.

OP posts:
emilialuxembourg · 08/07/2013 19:34

Such a shame you blew it. If she's as vile and rough as she sounds a brawl with you will have been water off a ducks back. How much better to have had her arrested.

MarmaladeTwatkins · 08/07/2013 19:36

Did anyone see you slap her?

If not, it's your word against her. But you have witnesses to her hitting DS.

Just saying.

Kormachameleon · 08/07/2013 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deliakate · 08/07/2013 19:36

Yes, it is a shame. I would be ashamed.

ouryve · 08/07/2013 19:39

You recognise that YWBU, but I can't say I blame you. What a nasty bitch.

cocolepew · 08/07/2013 19:39

Ffs , can children not play in their own street now without it being classed as a nuisance?

MarmaladeTwatkins · 08/07/2013 19:41

Exactly, coco Hmm

congresstart · 08/07/2013 19:44

I would have decked her I'm afraid...I'm not a violent person but when it comes to my kids the moral high ground and dignity can kiss the whitest part of my arse.

Methe · 08/07/2013 19:44

So gives a fuck about the moral high ground? She smacked your child for having an accident! Nasty bitch deserved everything she got.

And I genuinely do not have a temper.. Never had a fight in my life but oh my god I'd slap the shit out of someone who did that.

Original poster
RightOldSlapper · 08/07/2013 19:45

Also I really reject the idea that DS was being a nuisance. I don't think he had the opportunity. He's given me his account of events, repeatedly, and to DH and my mum and to his siblings. I've also had an account from 3 other boys and my younger DS. They're all very similar with the only differences being from being at different vantage points.

They left my house, ambled they're way up the road and knocked for the 6th boy (H), who was in the garden so the mum invited them in. They left the 2 bikes on the drive. Went through to the garden, chatted to H, asked if he wanted to come out. He then went and asked him mum while they played crack the egg on his trampoline. H came back said OK and went to get shoes. They talked to H's mum for a few minutes, 2 of them accepted ice lollies and they spent a further few minutes selecting and eating them. They left and H's mum stood in doorway while the boys fiddled about with one bike. She then shut the door but noticed them stay for a few more minutes before leaving. DS cycled 3 or 4 houses along, cycled over the road and then made his way back the 3 or 4 houses again and flipped over the wall.

He had no contact with the woman prior to the incident and had been out there all of 5 minutes, if that.

All this is confirmed by H's mum.

OP posts:
cocolepew · 08/07/2013 19:46

I literally chased one of my neighbours down the road,, running full pelt to get her. She has grabbed my DD by hair and pulled her off her bike. My DD was scared of her boxer dog who had got out of the garden and was bouncing around the kids barking. Apparently DDs crying was annoying her dog so she decided to trail her of her bike. DD was 7 at the time.

I feel no shame and would do it again in a heart beat.

emilialuxembourg · 08/07/2013 19:50

Cocolepew that's another category of wickedness. What happened next?