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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Slap This Woman Back?

294 replies

RightOldSlapper · 08/07/2013 16:52

I've nc'd for this as don't want it to follow me adoring but am a regular poster (Yoni, Pom Bears, Naice Ham, Wilf etc).

I'm not asking AIBU as I know I was but I'm asking to what degree was I unreasonable, say on a scale of 1 to 5 in regards to the following incident.

Yesterday, DS3 (aged 13) and DS4 (aged 9), were playing out in our street, with 6 other similarly aged children who live on the same street, DS3 being the eldest. They were not directly outside our house but around 8-10 houses down. There is a small junction in between, and while I recognise the residents in that area I certainly don't know them as well as my immediate neighbours. I am however very friendly with one of the others boys mum, who lives that far down.

I'd last seen them 20 minutes earlier having been checking on them every half hour. Anyway, at some point DS4 and a few of the other boys came running in saying that a woman up the road has hit DS3 and says she's going to kill him. I arrived to find this woman still shouting at DS3.

Apparently DS3 had fallen off his bike and over her very low front garden wall (max 2ft) onto her flowerbed. Apparently he had damaged her garden and crushed her cat. I could see no visible damage to the shrubs (no flowers). The cat was nowhere to be seen. It was an accident. She had been washing her car and had rushed over yanked him up, screamed at him and slapped twice; once on the top of the back and once across the face.

While I was there trying to resolve the situation she threatened to slap him again. Am not pleased with myself but I lost my temper and I grabbed her then hit her twice. I've been feeling guilty but not. Am quite conflicted, and am also quite shocked still at what happened, friends/family have said it was ok but I just wonder was it really that ok or am I totally irrational.

So yes how unreasonable was I?

I don't want to drip feed but I haven't written down all minutiae of this incident as I didn't want to start straying into Dostoyevsky territory. However I'm happy to provide further details if some of you feel its relevant.

OP posts:
TheMagicKeyCanFuckOff · 08/07/2013 17:31

Technically U.

But then, I don't know how I COULD be reasonable if I saw someone assaulting my child! I couldn't calm down and call the police, I would want her to stop hurting my son. And I might get violent.

You are both in the wrong. But I get why you did it and I would have done it too.

wonderingsoul · 08/07/2013 17:31

becasue hes stilla child who prob felt scared, conffused and lost and didnt knwo what to do.

LadyBeagleEyes · 08/07/2013 17:32

It's all very well us all sitting here on our laptops saying you should have called the police, of course that is what you should have done.
But nobody's perfect and in the heat of the moment I'd have lost it too, it wasn't a situation where you sit down and weigh up the consequences, it was a spur of the moment thing.
Was she bigger than you Op Smile?

bellablot · 08/07/2013 17:35

Cheeky bitch, I would have flattened her whilst shouting 'no-one touches my kids'.

In an ideal situation however you should have called the police when you discovered she hot you DS, that's assault.

You's are even now though! Wink

LaurieFairyCake · 08/07/2013 17:35

If call the police anyway if someone assaulted my child.

maja00 · 08/07/2013 17:36

Yes, ideally you should have called the police.

But if someone had already hit my child, and then threatened them again, I'd have smacked her too.

Original poster
RightOldSlapper · 08/07/2013 17:40

After I had hit her, because I had hold of her, she started to struggle a bit more and I let go of her. Then she called me "fucking scum" and I said something long the lines of

"I may be scum, but at least I'm not the mad bitch that goes round hitting and terrifying injured kids. And just so you know, if you ever touch my child or any child to my knowledge again, it will be me that's doing the killing. In fact speak to him again and I'll knock you into the middle of next week"

She kept screeching at me to "fuck off you scummy bitch, take your fucking brats with you, fuck off, fuck off" and then I told her to go indoors before she pissed me off even further, she kept screeching and I just walked back towards home with the DC.

OP posts:
CheungFun · 08/07/2013 17:42

Personally my first reaction was "good for you!".

There is no way anyone should be smacking your son, so I can see exactly why you slapped this woman! Your poor son was probably feeling shocked enough falling off his bike, let alone getting a load of verbal abuse and then being smacked by one of the neighbours!

The only thing I would worry about is if she reports you to the police, but I suspect she won't considering she smacked your son first....

I'd give her a wide berth in future and ask your son not to play near her house.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 08/07/2013 17:44

Well, it all sounds very dramatic.

Her reaction was interesting. What would she have done if an adult had driven through her wall? Hit them as well?! What a bizarre way to behave around a shocked and potentially injured child.

You did lose the moral high ground, as others have said, when you hit her. However, I think it is very hard to imagine what any of us would do in a situation where a random adult has just hit one of our children.

emilialuxembourg · 08/07/2013 17:48

Why does she think you're a scummy bitch? Have you had dealings with her before?

Original poster
RightOldSlapper · 08/07/2013 17:50

Yes she was bigger than me too!

I don't think DS is too phased, a bit shocked maybe but I've explained that he did nothing wrong. DH thinks its all hilarious which has caused a giant row between us and actually prompted this thread.

The reason DS didn't come and tell me himself is because the woman had actually held onto him for quite a while and he said "I didn't want to push her over", he had kept saying he was sorry and that it was an accident. I asked him and I do believe him, that he didn't swear at her.

When I was remonstrating with her as to why she hit him, and she kept saying he was trespassing, he had sort of shouted, I think out of frustration as she just wouldn't stop going on like it was intentional, "I said sorry and it was an accident", she then replied "don't shout at me, I'll give you another slap. I should fucking kill you for what you've done" and then stepped towards him sort of pointing. It did seem like she may have hit him again at that point although I just saw red and grabbed her.

OP posts:
WhoNickedMyName · 08/07/2013 17:50

I don't get why your son hung around after she had smacked him, enough time for his mates to come and get you and for you to get over there?

WhoNickedMyName · 08/07/2013 17:51

X post

Justfornowitwilldo · 08/07/2013 17:52

Some people find children annoying. I'd imagine this woman was already wound up before your DS fell. There's NO justification for hitting a child. That's why the police should have been called. She would have been charged or cautioned. Instead of which you've hit your neighbour twice. That's assault. So now you could both end up with a caution/court date.

gordyslovesheep · 08/07/2013 17:52

She was totally out of order for hitting a child

You where totally out of order for hitting her

Original poster
RightOldSlapper · 08/07/2013 17:54

We've had no interaction before. I don't know why she thinks I'm a scummy bitch. I vaguely recognise her as living up that bit of the road but don't know her name and have never even spoken to her before.

My friend claimed she is 'very highly strung' and a bit potty.

It was all very dramatic, it was all Jeremy Kyle style. It wasn't exactly what I'd had planned for such a lovely afternoon. It's really not my style. I suppose I used to be. Bit rough and have had fights as a teen or with siblings but I don't generally go around thumping people. We were about to have scones and jam for tea FFS, hardly rough. Our street isn't rough either.

OP posts:
Justfornowitwilldo · 08/07/2013 17:54

Call Jeremy Kyle.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 08/07/2013 17:56

Blimey!

No wonder you feel conflicted. I can see why you'd be incensed by her hitting your child, but you basically did something fairly similar back to her - ie lost control on the heat of strong emotions.

soverylucky · 08/07/2013 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cocolepew · 08/07/2013 18:02

I would have knocked her out.

Dackyduddles · 08/07/2013 18:03

Still think I'd have done same. Sorry but I'm with ur dh. It is a bit funny too and I don't know u!

Glad ur boy and the cat ok.

Original poster
RightOldSlapper · 08/07/2013 18:04

Ok so general consensus is I was understandably unreasonable?

OP posts:
Bathjelly · 08/07/2013 18:04

I would have done the same as you OP. in fact, I remember when I was wee, a man smacked (rather hard), my 6 year old brother when we were at the pool one day. When my mum saw, all hell let loose, and although she didn't get to the man to give him what for, because my dad had to physically restrain her, I did witness it all, and it actually made me really proud that she would go to such lengths to defend her children. I'm not saying it would have been right for her to hit him back, I can't stress how much of a non-confrontational person my mum is, but I just wanted to let you know that I wasn't scared by the events.

IneedAsockamnesty · 08/07/2013 18:04

I don't think you were in the wrong.

From what I can gather you lost your temper when she went to yet again hit your child.

Anybody is allowed to use reasonable force to protect themselves or someone more vulnerable its the law.

She had already hit your child twice and you hit her when she went to hit him again. Under those circumstances you were preventing her harming your child again.

Would you have done it if she hasn't attempted to hit him again?

Sparklysilversequins · 08/07/2013 18:05

Yes it's pretty bad but when my tiny 5 5 year old dd ran round a corner and nearly collided into a woman who told me if she ever did that again she would "kick her fucking head in!" I am afraid I had to be held back by my ex H. Rage just descended and I think it is instinctive when your children are involved. I don't blame you.