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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Slap This Woman Back?

294 replies

RightOldSlapper · 08/07/2013 16:52

I've nc'd for this as don't want it to follow me adoring but am a regular poster (Yoni, Pom Bears, Naice Ham, Wilf etc).

I'm not asking AIBU as I know I was but I'm asking to what degree was I unreasonable, say on a scale of 1 to 5 in regards to the following incident.

Yesterday, DS3 (aged 13) and DS4 (aged 9), were playing out in our street, with 6 other similarly aged children who live on the same street, DS3 being the eldest. They were not directly outside our house but around 8-10 houses down. There is a small junction in between, and while I recognise the residents in that area I certainly don't know them as well as my immediate neighbours. I am however very friendly with one of the others boys mum, who lives that far down.

I'd last seen them 20 minutes earlier having been checking on them every half hour. Anyway, at some point DS4 and a few of the other boys came running in saying that a woman up the road has hit DS3 and says she's going to kill him. I arrived to find this woman still shouting at DS3.

Apparently DS3 had fallen off his bike and over her very low front garden wall (max 2ft) onto her flowerbed. Apparently he had damaged her garden and crushed her cat. I could see no visible damage to the shrubs (no flowers). The cat was nowhere to be seen. It was an accident. She had been washing her car and had rushed over yanked him up, screamed at him and slapped twice; once on the top of the back and once across the face.

While I was there trying to resolve the situation she threatened to slap him again. Am not pleased with myself but I lost my temper and I grabbed her then hit her twice. I've been feeling guilty but not. Am quite conflicted, and am also quite shocked still at what happened, friends/family have said it was ok but I just wonder was it really that ok or am I totally irrational.

So yes how unreasonable was I?

I don't want to drip feed but I haven't written down all minutiae of this incident as I didn't want to start straying into Dostoyevsky territory. However I'm happy to provide further details if some of you feel its relevant.

OP posts:

wonderingsoul · 08/07/2013 17:16

no but one is an adult hitting an adult and another a adult hitting a CHILD

SirBoobAlot · 08/07/2013 17:17

And I don't think you lost the moral high ground. Yes, you shouldn't have reacted like that in an ideal world. But your son is a minor.

I hope he is okay. I was verbally assaulted at 13 and it majorly fucked with my head.

Original poster

RightOldSlapper · 08/07/2013 17:18

I don't really know how much supervision a 13 year old warrants. However as I said I'd last seen them 20 minutes ago. I had been going between the back and front garden for a large portion of the day, had been in the front room for lunch and the fornt bedroom changing the beds. S i was very asare of what they were up to. You couldn't hear the boys (with all the windows open) when they were that far down, and you often can hear people playing at that distance so I don't think there was excessive noise at all.

They had slowly graduated down to that point in the street. So hadn't been disturbing her for much more than 20 minutes because they had gone there to pick up another boy who lives opposite her, after coming into ours for a drink.

OP posts:

Rikalaily · 08/07/2013 17:19

Hitting her was the wrong thing to do... But if someone hit my child I would knock them the hell out, wrong or not.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 08/07/2013 17:19

I don't think you lost ANY moral high ground. You COULD have had her cautioned by the police if you hadn't slapped her back. I would do what you did OP. I think she sounds unhinged. I have a cat...I LOVE him but I would NEVER do as she did.

gamerchick · 08/07/2013 17:20

Sometimes the instinct to protect your child overides anything else.. Its easy to sit and say you wouldn't have reacted like whatever but you don't actually know until you're in a situation.

I would have done what you did as well and my kids would have saw it as me sticking up for them.. Nothing more. How did she react to you slapping her?

WireCat · 08/07/2013 17:21

Honestly.

In the heat of the moment, I'd have bloody slapped her. Hard.

And then regretted it.

Lastofthepodpeople · 08/07/2013 17:21

You should have called the police instead of retaliating. However, if someone had assaulted my child I might have lost it too - and I don't lose my temper easily.
Unfortunately, you hitting her back was assault too (even if she deserved it) so it's possible she might get the police involved. I hope this doesn't come back to bite you OP.

HeadfirstForHalos · 08/07/2013 17:21

A 13 yr old needs minimal superision, they could safely go off for hours with friends.

shellandkai · 08/07/2013 17:22

Wow I sit and wonder how many of these people saying yabu level 5 would actually stand there and be calm in a situation like that?? Me personally I suffer with losing my temper easily I think I would of punched the woman not just slapped her noone should put their hands on your kids!!!! I'm sorry roast me all you want everyone else but op I say GOOD FOR YOU!! I can only imagine how scared your ds must of been

diddl · 08/07/2013 17:22

I can see why you were angry-but could you not have just grabbed your son & left?

She was completely wrong of course.

Although if a kid had fallen on my cat I would probably have grabbed them up by their clothing & pushed them out of the garden.

wonderingsoul · 08/07/2013 17:23

if some one who has all ready hit my child twice, says they are going to do it again.. would you rarther not get in there first?

yes, you could just walk away, but unless your mary popin we dont allways keep our heads.

also saying you can see why the woman did it because he fell on her cat... you should be able to see why the op did it because the womans hands fell on her child..twice.

i dont know why this has wound me up so much.

SortingMyLadyGardenandLife · 08/07/2013 17:23

The law does allow you to strike first is you feel that you or someone else is threatened. Its a matter of perception, you feeling threatened in the situation is sufficient, she'd hit you child twice already and was going to hit him again. You felt the only way to stop it was to belt her first. I'd have knocked the bitch out.

What did she do afterwards? I'd be the one to phone the police though.

SirBoobAlot · 08/07/2013 17:24

My mother slapped the woman who attacked me, and the bitch was still cautioned by the police.

I'd be tempted to call them anyway.

Original poster

RightOldSlapper · 08/07/2013 17:24

I haven't seen the cat, and I haven't spoken to her to find out how the cat is. However, the mother of the boys who lives up there, that I am friends with, said she saw the cat in her back garden this morning and he looked fine.

DS and the boys also said they didn't hear a cat or see a cat run away and having seen the garden area I'm not sure how certain you could be that a cat was in there, unless it was laying across the front it certainly jwouldnt have been visible.

We have 4 cats and the thing DS has mentioned most is that he's concerned about the cat. He would NEVER intentionally hurt an animal, especially not a cat.

I realise in hindsight I probably should have called the police but it really didn't cross my mind, I just ran up there, got into this row with her and ended up whacking her. Now it all seems a bit of a haze.

OP posts:

Justfornowitwilldo · 08/07/2013 17:24

A group of 8 children riding their bikes on the pavement is fairly likely to be annoying. She responded out of all proportion and hit a 13 year old. You could have called the police and they would have dealt with it. Instead, you hit the woman. Twice. If she tells the police that your DS was harassing her they'll probably believe her. After all, the boy's mother hit the woman twice!

AmazingBouncingFerret · 08/07/2013 17:25

With hindsight,yes calling the police and getting her arrested for assault would have been the best cause of action but I would have done the exact same.

13 year old child falls off bike and hurts himself, the first instinct would be to run over and see if he was ok, not smack the shit out of him!

Similar thing happened to me, my property is surrounded by a wall (that makes me sound like I own a big posh house, I don't!) a boy from the neighbourhood thought it would be a good idea to vault it. I was there with a drink and plasters for him not adding to his injuries.

HeadfirstForHalos · 08/07/2013 17:26

Id be tempted to ring the police anyway, if you honestly felt threatened and that she was about to hit your child again.

Signet2012 · 08/07/2013 17:27

Rationally. You should have called the police.

But then if someone hit my dd..... I think I'd have done the same if I'm honest. I'd like to think not but I think I would just descend into a red mist.

Dackyduddles · 08/07/2013 17:28

Yup. Agree with everyone. I would I think have belted her one too. Then felt guilty.

So, least your human then!

How's it left?

Original poster

RightOldSlapper · 08/07/2013 17:29

Also I understand that maybe if you don't have children or no longer have young/teen children it can be harder to work out what age they are and I suppose DS doesn't exactly look like a young kid in that he is clearly 13 or 14 rather than 10 or 11. However, he was the eldest, all the other boys were a bit younger and the woman was taller than him so I don't think she could have mistaken him for an adult or someone much older

DS said he had just ridden up the kerb onto the pavement and he think hit a tree root or bump in the path and only squeezed one break. The combination sent him flying.

OP posts:

edam · 08/07/2013 17:30

She hit him twice. Then she threatened to hit him again. I'd argue your actions were in self-defence (well, defence of ds but similar point). She was the aggressor in the situation, you acted in defence. Yeah, OK, you could have called the cops but it was your instinct in that moment of threat to protect ds physically and I don't think anyone can blame you.

Justfornowitwilldo · 08/07/2013 17:30

I'm totally confused as to why your DS didn't come and tell you himself.

Why was he still anywhere near the woman, so that her threat to hit him again was in any way imminent, when enough time had passed for the woman to hit him, your younger son to come home and tell you and you to go back down the street to where he was?

KellyElly · 08/07/2013 17:31

You are human. You didn't act rationally, but how many people would if someone hit their child. Don't feel bad about it. I would have gone for her too if I'm being absolutely honest.

Original poster

RightOldSlapper · 08/07/2013 17:31

There weren't 8 children on bikes. There was DS and another boy on a bike, the other 6 were running around.

I also don't think they were there long enough to cause any justifiable nuisance.

OP posts:

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