Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to keep DD off school due to her period

236 replies

FrameyMcFrame · 05/07/2013 07:46

It's school sports day today and DD (11) has just come on to her period.

This would be ok normally but the school has a rule that you have to leave your school bag in the classroom so DD logistically can't change her sanitary towel at school unless she gets it out of her bag and carries it in her hand along to the loos.
Obviously she is too embarrassed to do this so she always comes home in a bit of a mess when she is on her period at school. With it being sports day, this is going to be a problem with changing and the embarrassment associated so I've decided to keep her at home today. AIBU? And what should I say to the school as a reason for her absence?

OP posts:
garlicsmutty · 07/07/2013 12:16

Framey, I'm sorry this has descended into hyperbolic attacks on you. I disagree about your reading of the word 'soiled' but I understand why you're taking offence easily at this point.

Going back to what should be obvious by now: You need a two-pronged approach, don't you? Happy workarounds for DD, such as closed and hidden pockets, and proactively raising the issue with the school.

All the best to you both :)

mirren3 · 07/07/2013 12:18

What a shame for your daughter, it's bad enough when she is the first of her friends to start. I would contact the school on Monday, is there a secretary you could speak to? The school surely have been through this previously, if it gets sorted now you will be doing all the girls behind her a massive favour.
It's one of the reasons I'm glad I've only got boys!!

HotCrossPun · 07/07/2013 12:29

OP why do you think your daughter is going to be disadvantaged by you speaking to the school about this?

All you have to do is phone and have a 5 minute conversation to make them aware of the issue.

What do you think they are going to do, hold an assembly to tell everybody that your daughter has started her period? Hmm

I've changed my mind from when I commented at the start - YABU.

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/07/2013 14:42

That is a ridiculous rule.

Keep her off.

EduCated · 07/07/2013 19:03

Saying something is soiled is different to saying someone has soiled themselves.

Soiled goods, I'd agree with, but it isn't really appropriate in this context.

But anyway, it's by the by, really.

Happymum22 · 07/07/2013 19:27

I think keeping her off sends her the message when things get a little bit tough, you give up.
I'd tell her she has to go, sympathise with her, but at the end of the day she needs to speak to a teacher she feels comfortable with, or agree to let you, and make an arrangement. Can't she take a discreet pencil case, jumper which does have a pocket or purse?
It is really bad school haven't thought of this. On second thoughts, how long does sports day last- all day? or just a morning?
Could she work around it if it isn't all day and change just before, then straight after?

shewhowines · 07/07/2013 19:46

My dd would die with embarrassment as well. Keep her off this time.

Write a letter anonymously together with dd, and explain that you haven't signed your name for the same reason you are writing the letter ie that you want to stop the extreme embarrassment that dd is experiencing.

PrettyPaperweight · 07/07/2013 20:36

Write an anonymous letter to the school the OP entrusts the care of her DD to every day? Really?

The OP is either too embarrassed herself to deal with this, in which case she's passing that on to her DD, or the school have such a draconian approach that the OP fears that they will single her DD out should she dare to seek to resolve this issue. Why on earth would any parent want their DC in such a suppressive environment?

Blueandwhitelover · 07/07/2013 20:59

I'm a Ta and I'd be mortified if one of my girls didn't feel they could come and ask for help in this situation.
I'm in a Primary and we deal with it better than her school.

OHforDUCKScake · 07/07/2013 21:29

Framey got the gist of the thread.

Im absolutely no way in any form would I compromise my daughters confidence with regards to her period, of which she cannot help, and force her into a potentially humiliating sutuation.

At the very start of the thread, someone idiotically suggested it would be 'sending her a bad message'. Hmm

Sure, telling an 11 year old to stop fretting about her WHOLE SCHOOL potentially seeing her walking away with a stained bottom is the best message to get to her. For fucks sake. Really?

Im future when she is on, Id make sure she has a uniform with pockets because it sounds rotten that its an issue for her each month.

But of course the PE kit is very different.

I had horrifically heavy periods as a child (and we need to remember she is just a child) and suffered at PE time the worst.

Luckily for me, I had a lovely mum like you that was very much in my side, and realised it was traumatic and that I didnt need a 'certain message' sent to me (again, seriously?! I feel sorry for that posters daughter - no doubt they have sons).

pumpkinsweetie · 07/07/2013 21:43

The school isn't providing ways for girls to change sanitary items, the school is wrong, but so are you op by refusing to discuss the problem with them.
This won't be solved if you don't go to the school, which means your poor dd will either miss out on a lot of school or will quite simply be embarrassed about a normal bodily functionConfused

StuntGirl · 07/07/2013 22:03

The school isn't providing ways for girls to change sanitary items

This, essentially, is the crux of the problem. If you can solve this, then it will solve the problem.

It is no doubt simply a clumsy oversight rather than malicious thinking and a word with the school will undoubtedly solve it immediately. I really don't see why it's so hard.

farmersdaughter · 07/07/2013 22:07

I really sympathise, however one phone call to the school and this matter could be address pretty quickly.

In the short term why not get a teacher / nurses to hold a few bits for her. Then get the school to properly address it after sports day.

paperlantern · 07/07/2013 22:23

If she's soaking through she needs a heavier weight pad and/or to change it more frequent. The purple always ones are much much better are soaking up heavy periods than most.

I do think by keeping her of school you are demonising a quite normal process. Growing up it was quite normal to keep a spare in a pencil case or a small pocket. It was not normal to keep a girl off school for her period. FWF there is no way a middle doesn't have other girls who have already started there period.

shewhowines · 08/07/2013 09:02

I only said about doing it anonymously because the ops daughter has said she does not want her mother to contact the school. Obviously the school does need to be told. It would be best if mum can contact the school directly, but if DD is adamant that she doesn't want that, then writing it together and sending it without a name on, explaining that this is because it is such an embarrassing subject for DD, is the only option left.

IMO the school should be told one way or another. You are failing DD and all the girls if you just leave this issue.

Original poster
FrameyMcFrame · 08/07/2013 22:17

update...update...update....

I phoned school and spoke to head of year and head teacher. I was galvanised into action by DD coming home distressed because all the loos had been locked at end of school....! Unbelievable. These toilet rules have become draconian.
Anyway we came to a solution eventually, after the HT kept telling me that DD could 'just ask a member of staff for assistance at any time'.
I had to spell out that DD was not keen about talking to teachers about periods so she said that DD could leave her spare sanitary towel in the loo attached to the medical room at the start of school when she still has her bag. And that she can use that loo any time.
DD seems happy with that arrangement but she went nuts with me when she found out I'd phoned school...

OP posts:
garlicsmutty · 08/07/2013 22:29

The locked the loos???!!!

Glad to hear you arrived at a solution that works for DD :) What on earth is the head teacher on? Have they met any girls before??

50BalesOfHay · 08/07/2013 22:37

Contact school nurse tomorrow, and safeguatding. You have to escalate this. It's outtageous!

Jan49 · 08/07/2013 22:43

Their so called arrangements are ridiculous. They really think that any girl having a period should have a quiet word with a teacher every time she needs to change a sanitary towel or should use the medical room loo? Is it a boys' school?! They need to sort out a proper arrangement, such as sanitary towels in the girls toilets.

M0naLisa · 08/07/2013 22:50

I got my first period at 8 years old. i was in primary school and i had to use the staff toilets due to there being no sanitary bins in the girls toilets.
I had a bumbag - 1993. i was once waiting for dinner and needed to go to the toilet and people asking why i had the bumbag, i did have my spray in there for asthma but it made me feel very embarrassed.

eddiemairswife · 08/07/2013 22:52

Did you ask the HT what the other girls are expected to do? Is the HT male? Perhaps you could ask the parent governor to raise it. I think you said it was a middle school, I am amazed this hasn't been raised before. Do you live in the back of beyond?

StuntGirl · 09/07/2013 01:02

God, do they lack complete common sense or something?

What's the reasoning behind their toilet rules? There will be a root cause to this (bullying, vandalism etc) and because they're fixated on that they're not thinking rationally. Like locking toilets and not letting menstruating girls use them without embarrassment.

Splatt34 · 09/07/2013 04:16

She cannot be the only pupil in the school who has started her periods. What are the others doing?

bigTillyMint · 09/07/2013 07:06

OP well done for ringing!

This is utterly ridiculous - the HeadTeacher's rules, I mean. I think 50Bales is right, you need to escalate this. What are all the other poor girls doing? Are there no other parents who are concerned about this?

Umlauf · 09/07/2013 07:44

That is outrageous, I can't believe the schools suggestion was to ask a member of staff for assistance! In class?! What are they on!

Thank god you called though as it sounds like the other girls already have secret arrangements in place, but its nuts that the school won't just lift the stupid rule. Why is even in place, do they think students will go in there smoking or something? I agree with 50bales, safeguarding needs to be out in place here. Well done for ringing OP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread