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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to keep DD off school due to her period

236 replies

FrameyMcFrame · 05/07/2013 07:46

It's school sports day today and DD (11) has just come on to her period.

This would be ok normally but the school has a rule that you have to leave your school bag in the classroom so DD logistically can't change her sanitary towel at school unless she gets it out of her bag and carries it in her hand along to the loos.
Obviously she is too embarrassed to do this so she always comes home in a bit of a mess when she is on her period at school. With it being sports day, this is going to be a problem with changing and the embarrassment associated so I've decided to keep her at home today. AIBU? And what should I say to the school as a reason for her absence?

OP posts:
LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning · 07/07/2013 07:27

Actually this has made me think, dd is only 5 however her primary has just extended its age range so she'll be there till 11. I must find out what they plan to do.

LindyHemming · 07/07/2013 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

insancerre · 07/07/2013 08:36

what an awful situation
have you considered approaching any of the school governers? they might be able to make youe case for you if you are too embarassesd to approach the school dirctly

Dollydowser · 07/07/2013 08:50

I remember well being the only 11 yr old in my class to have started her periods. I think you did the right thing by keeping her home as a one off for sports day.

Original poster
FrameyMcFrame · 07/07/2013 09:02

Euphemia, she has only had 2 periods at school apart from this one. Both times I've sent her to school with sanpro in her bag and reminded her to change it during the day. It's only just come to light that the bag issue is the reason she hasn't. To start with I had assumed she had just forgotten. Why do people have to be so nasty on MN these days.

Do you have an older DD yourself? Helping your daughter to get used to managing periods doesn't just happen overnight you know. It's a learning process for both of us. DD is not ashamed about periods like another poster suggested. She is just gertting used to dealing with it.

OP posts:
PrettyPaperweight · 07/07/2013 09:06

I'm sure that the school are already aware that the OPs DD has started her periods; it would be almost impossible not to be aware that a DC in their care has bloodsoaked clothing, surely?

The health and hygiene implications of the OPs solution makes me cringe - blood transferring from trousers to chairs, onto hands, desks, pencil cases, lunchboxes etc. On a hot day not only will bacteria growth cause it to smell wherever it is left, but it will attract flies and other pests, too.

I'm not surprised there is embarrassment on the DCs part - expecting a child to bleed onto her clothing every month rather than providing suitable sanitary products is archaic.

girliefriend · 07/07/2013 09:55

I think the trouble if Framey that we have a lot of sympathy for your dd, but it doesn't sound like you're going to do anything proactive about it other that keep your dd off school.

Not being horrible but just frustrated.

You have an opportunity here to do all the girls in your dds school a massive favour!!

Umlauf · 07/07/2013 10:03

If you have only just found out about it it is a different matter, framey but now that you know, what are you going to about it? You can't keep her off school or allow her to soil herself every month in her dark clothing, but you say you aren't going to speak to the school or "faff around" with her pencilcase/clothing pockets...

Posters are naturally outraged at the situation your daughter is in and want to help, not being horrible, but you are rejecting all ideas and it just seems like you aren't going to do anything to help her or her contemporaries.

Original poster
FrameyMcFrame · 07/07/2013 10:40

the language you're using is pretty horrible umlauf. Soiling herself? Sounds really horrid.
Perhaps my idea of a mess and yours are different maybe?
Blood on edges of pants not to the extent it was soaking into chairs.
For God's sake...what are you people like?
Also, why should my daughter have to be the one embarrased by me making a fuss at school? They've had the bag rule for years, so obviously no one else's Mum or Dad has made a stand about it!
But it's me who you choose to shoot down?
I am going to try to change this or at least point it out to the school but in a way that doesn't disadvantage my daughter thanks as she is my primary concern!

OP posts:
Original poster
FrameyMcFrame · 07/07/2013 10:42

Prettypaperweight, you're exaggeration of the situation is laughable

OP posts:
Original poster
FrameyMcFrame · 07/07/2013 10:42

Flies? Are you insane?

OP posts:
krasnayaploshad · 07/07/2013 10:54

OP, sorry it's a YABU from me & here's why:
The school won't change it's policy until it's challenged.
School sports day was the perfect opportunity for you to talk the school about the impracticalities of the policy, instead you have avoided the conversation.

It seems the school has made it almost impossible for a girl to deal with her period through the bags must stay in the classroom & no pockets in the school uniform.

Keeping your DD home sends the message that normal activities stop for periods. Your DD may be embarrassed about you raising this issue with the school but it must be done.

I once had a swimming class at school & the teacher, who was standing at the side of the pool didn't seem to be aware that her period had started and yes there were flies! (we were outside & it was a hot day)

PrettyPaperweight · 07/07/2013 11:03

the point is she hasn't ever been able to change it at school so by the end of the day she's in a mess really. Thats ok if you've got black tights and a black skirt on

Which is it, OP?

Either, it's a mess which is disguised by black clothes or its a barely noticeable leakage along her underwear line.
Either way YABU - if it's as bad as you made out previously, you are letting your DD down badly by not addressing it with the school, or you've kept your DD off school for something you are now downplaying.

Umlauf · 07/07/2013 11:04

Nasty?! Soiling oneself is the nicest possible way of saying it isn't it? I'd rather use terminology like that than go into graphic details or say describe her as a bloodsoaked mess like other posters have done who you havent jumped on! I've offered only support as I feel strongly that not only your daughter but ALL girls need proper sanitary facilities in all public places.

Its blood on the edges of pants now, but as I was trying to illustrate by sharing my own (that i havent told anyone before!) and friends experiences, how do you or your daughter know when she will have a heavier spell? Prevention of that by a little word to the school would be far less embarrassing than that happening, why don't you see that? Even as adults who have had periods for years we can still get surprised by an unusually heavy flow every now any then.

I can understand how you are very sensitive about this and of course, its your own daughter and its difficult with her starting so recently and of course SHE is embarrassed. She doesn't have to know if you send off a quick email/have a quiet word.

If any of the other parents were here I would also be saying, on their child's behalf AND yours, to contact the school. But they are not, YOU are here, you have a chance to her help her. You seem very defensive now, but hopefully you'll step in any do something (or at least one of the other parents will) BEFORE anything really embarrassing happens to her one of her friends. Its awful that the school haven't thought about this, but they haven't, you have, you can fix it so easily, you won't!

marriedinwhiteagain · 07/07/2013 11:25

So it's the fault of other parents now rather than the school because they haven't raised it with the school on your behalf. So far you have said:

Your daughter cannot have a pocket with a zip
Cannot have a pocket sewn inside her skirt
Cannot have a pencil case with two compartments
Cannot attend sports day
Cannot put a spare sanny in her bra
You cannot raise with the school
You cannot raise via the school nurse
You cannot raise via the governors.

You are your daughter's mother - if you cannot do anything pro-active to help you daughter then frankly you do not have the right to insist anyone else helps her vicariously or otherwise. And yes I do have a dd, she's 15 and started her periods at 10 at primary school and I went in and met with the head to make sure there were arrangements in place to support the early starting girls and the school was immensely supportive and my dd never knew I had done that.

SoupDragon · 07/07/2013 11:35

Soiling oneself is the nicest possible way of saying it isn't it?

Well, no because "soiling" generally refers to shit.

SoupDragon · 07/07/2013 11:37

I am going to try to change this or at least point it out to the school but in a way that doesn't disadvantage my daughter thanks as she is my primary concern!

Yes, this sounds exactly like the OP is not going to do anything pro-active. Hmm

Umlauf · 07/07/2013 11:42

Not at all, it means dirty or stained.

soverylucky · 07/07/2013 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 07/07/2013 11:46

No, it doesn't. it is the polite euphemism for shitting yourself.

Umlauf · 07/07/2013 11:57

Its really not, sorry, i disagree - its the terminology lingerie companies use when they have to refuse refunds for getting dirty knickers/swimwear back, even when the stain is very small and light coloured, ie not shit. There was a huge market research thing conducted at one of the bigger mail order lingerie companies to establish the best term to use and the consensus was for 'soiled' to be the most polite adjective. Stained was also suggested but soiled was generally accepted to be less offensive! (I would out myself with more details sorry).

Shop soiled clothing - make up stains, soiled nappies - poo. Its about context. The context here is blood and the OP knows that. The poster above me used it in the context of periods too, it doesn't look at all like she was suggesting children are shitting themselves. Maybe out of context yes, but there is a clear context here.

EduCated · 07/07/2013 11:58

I have only heard soiling used in reference to shit.

OP, I can understand feeling like why should you have to be the one that deals with the school about this. But it may be that other parents have spoken to the school and they and their daughters now have appropriate and discreet ways of dealin with this.

Bit shit if they have and they haven't told girls who may e about to start what the arrangements are, but it is possible.

marriedinwhiteagain · 07/07/2013 12:08

I used to have a Saturday job in M&S. We used to put labels on stuff for the reduced rail and write reduced because "soiled" - it meant there was a mark on an item, ie, a pen mark or a bit of lippy. Anything relating to poo or period stains would have been destroyed. So I think Umlauf is right.

PostmanPatsBlackandWhiteCat · 07/07/2013 12:09

I would go to the school and mention it to the school nurse or the headteacher and ask them to support her whilst she is learning to cope with her periods.
I think you have to put her feelings on the teachers or school nurse to one side and tell them. So that she has the support/facilities in place to cope.
I would try to encourage her to use tampons the little ones with out the applicator so she could pop one in her hand when she needs to change at break or lunchtime.

Pannacotta2013 · 07/07/2013 12:13

One more practical suggestion, which might help OP to feel more confident in talking to the school.

OP you don't have to say 'My daughter is unable to change her sanitary towel because of your school rules'. You can say 'I was talking with my mummy friends about your school rule re bags in classrooms, and we figured out that it would be really difficult for any pupils having periods - how would they manage it?' You could even hint that you knew another mother (no name given) had this issue and you were raising it on her behalf, because other daughter was too shy to allow own mother to raise it. But don't let them fob you off.