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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to keep DD off school due to her period

236 replies

FrameyMcFrame · 05/07/2013 07:46

It's school sports day today and DD (11) has just come on to her period.

This would be ok normally but the school has a rule that you have to leave your school bag in the classroom so DD logistically can't change her sanitary towel at school unless she gets it out of her bag and carries it in her hand along to the loos.
Obviously she is too embarrassed to do this so she always comes home in a bit of a mess when she is on her period at school. With it being sports day, this is going to be a problem with changing and the embarrassment associated so I've decided to keep her at home today. AIBU? And what should I say to the school as a reason for her absence?

OP posts:
halcyondays · 06/07/2013 00:16

If she had a skirt with a zipped pocket, then there would be no need to worry about it falling out.

AllegraLilac · 06/07/2013 00:51

marriedinwhite I don't have periods due to cerazette, and I take my bag to the loo ever time. Usually to brush my hair in the bathroom mirror. So no, not only women on their periods take their bags. How presumptuous.

Goldmandra · 06/07/2013 07:33

She sounds like a lovely confident, resilient young lady, TheOriginal and she clearly has a very positive view of school.

I still think there are plenty of girls of this age who wouldn't cope so admirably.

pumpkinsweetie · 06/07/2013 07:56

I don't see why a young girl should have to go to the lengths of concealing sanitary items in her skirtConfused, seriously!!??

The school should realise & remember periods are a part of everyday life and make provisions that allow young girls to slip off and change when needed without embarrassment or concealment.

raisah · 06/07/2013 08:01

Can she wear a small over the shoulder bag? What do kids with asthma do? The school should be a bit more flexible with this, girls at that age can have their confidence knocked very easily.

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning · 06/07/2013 08:05

LadyFlumpalot - I love you that is fantastic!

Suzieismyname · 06/07/2013 08:13

Well said, married.

My two girls watch me change my towel if they walk in on me on the loo. I don't thrust it in their faces but they are not going to grow up feeling embarrassed about periods. It's a normal bodily function for approx 50% of the population.

If you don't like what is happening at the school then woman up, be a good mum and TALK to the school as so many have suggested.

CamelBalls · 06/07/2013 08:15

So if your not going to do any of suggestions (towel in bra/knickers/little pocket/in a little bag in pencil case) nt going to phone the school - what ARE you going to do?

PicaK · 06/07/2013 08:27

Another one here gobsmacked by all the work around suggestions of hidden pockets etc. Never given it much thought before but it seems wrong. School should have alternative policy or work around.

You only have to look at the inane comment about ladies taking handbags to loos (you notice this, really?) to understand the potential embarassment factor at age 11.

Sports Day meh. But don't let her be in a mess. That's so sad.

Indecisive90 · 06/07/2013 08:30

I don't understand why you're making so many excuses OP. There have been great suggestions and you've said no to every one. What do you actually want the school to do? Because I agree with whoever said it would be more obvious getting up in the middle of a class and humphing your entire bag to the loo with you.

And twinklyfingers it is exactly what adults have to do if in a no bag situation. At work I leave my bag in the department at 9 and don't go back till lunch. I can't take my bag on the wards so if I do need to take something with me (pens, money, tampon) they go in my pocket or if I'm wearing a dress I take a small pencil case. I don't see the issue with that. If children are going into the daughter's pencil case then all she needs to do is ask them not to, they should have more respect for people's belongings at 11 anyway.

LindyHemming · 06/07/2013 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dayshiftdoris · 06/07/2013 09:16

OP I am aghast... Really I am...

What I am aghast at is not the school but you OP

Schools get it wrong / don't consider what pupils might need and actually they rely on parents and pupils to discuss issues with them so they change things... If they refuse to work like that then that is a whole different matter.

Anyway my biggest issue is this OP - what you are doing is reinforcing the feelings of shame & embarrassment that your daughter feels about her period.

I was a midwife and worked in gynae for many years - I see the other side of this 'embarrassment' being reinforced - woman completely ashamed because they are bleeding or need examination.., No woman likes it but I am talking complete & utter shame that their female body is working in the way that it should.

Keeping her off school solved the issue that day and is fine but doing that and not finding a solution is you saying to your daughter 'Oh my god you are right we MUST keep your normal bodily function a complete secret as it has the power to ruin your world'

I get that you are both a bit embarrassed but someone suggested the school nurse getting involved and this is a good idea but will take a long time given that school is about to finish for the summer.

Whilst your daughter doesn't want you to talk to school the present situation is one that has potential to just continually reinforce the feeling of shame she has about her period. If she leaked other children probably would laugh and again that feeling is reinforced. What about residential school trips or activity days? Without solutions / coping mechanisms she will just learn that having a period stops you doing things.

Go to your daughters school and ask the questions - you can simply say you thinking ahead and your daughter hasn't started her periods yet but you wanted to prepare her.

And if school refuse to help - I would write to the Governors if I was you but then I have strong feelings about women loving and understanding their bodies Wink

SoupDragon · 06/07/2013 09:23

The child is 11. I doubt many 11 year olds are strong enough to carry off havving the Texas Chainsaw Massacre in their pants on sports day.

The problem needs to be resolved in whatever way the child is comfortable with and the ridiculous situation at school needs to be sorted.

watchforthesnail · 06/07/2013 09:26

I think you did the right thing, and i would be talking to the school about this too.

Im not a shy person, and its hard enough as a grown up picking up your bag at work and taking it to the loos, almost everytime someone will say something along the lines of ' where are you going' and thats working with grown up women... i usually resort to some kind to tampon up the sleave thing while pretending to look for something. bit rubbish in your mid 30's.

11 is still a child and yes its awful and embarassing, and the pencil case solution is just dire. Kids use/ take things out of/ run off with other kids pencil cases, dont think its just boys, girls will do this too, and to mock the poor girl.

The school either needs to put a provision in all girls bathrooms and or let bags be carried around.

halcyondays · 06/07/2013 09:30

As an adult I've often used a pocket of my clothing to put sanitary items in, I've never thought I was going to any lengths, how very strange!
The regulation skirt we had to wear at secondary school very handily came with a zipped pocket which meant you could carry such things around discreetly without embarrassment.

halcyondays · 06/07/2013 09:36

At secondary of course we carried bags between classes, but at primary we had all lessons in one room and you didn't usually carry your bag around. No rule to say you couldn't, but you'd have probably felt more conspicuous taking a school bag to the loo than having a discreet pocket in your skirt.

DoItTooJulia · 06/07/2013 09:46

If children are going into the daughters pencil case all she needs to do is ask them not to.....really? If that's how it worked there wouldn't be any bullying in the world would there? Get real! Poor OPs daughter.

Agree it shouldn't be embarrassing, but it is for her. She's 11. You sound like a lovely mum OP.

watchforthesnail · 06/07/2013 10:07

god, i remember the awful pencil case thngs that used to go on, even at much older.....
everyone had those tin ones then, people who grab them off you and stab holes in them with compasses, and cover them with tipex and all sorts.

If anyone had a new one, or said to stop it then that would make them more of a target. and half the time it was their ' friends' doing it.

and this was at a ' naice' school. Kids are mean.

hermioneweasley · 06/07/2013 11:11

I think it's clear why the OP's DD is so embarrassed.

I remember doing gym in a leotard when I was on my period and another girl telling me in hushed tones that you coukd see my towel through it. My response was "so?". It's a perfectly normal bodily function.

valiumredhead · 06/07/2013 11:46

Suzie-don't presume they won't grow up embarrassed. My mum and dad were the same and at 11 I was very private about periods and the thought of secret pockets and towels tucked into bras world have mortified me. And with regards to teasing etc there was NO solidarity or support between the girls whatsoever, they were the worst for teasing, going through bags etc,I can't remember anything from the boys at all.

cardibach · 06/07/2013 12:58

watchforthesnail really? YOu are embarrassed to go to the toilet with your bag? I'll add this to my list of things I didn't know I should fret about before I came on MN.
OP - the school need to come up with a solution to this, but in the meantime you need to come up with a solution to help your daughter. There have been many practical solutions suggested and you need to take one or more of them on board. Even if the school start letting them take their bags between lessons (how does that even work - doesn't the form tutor have other lessons in his/her room? Where so the bags go?) your DD might need to change during a lesson. SHe won't want to take her whole bag then. It is definitely not 'alright' that she comes home in a mess, even if her dark uniform disguises it. You must help her find a short term solution then approach the school in some way to find a long term solution for her and all the others affected.

valiumredhead · 06/07/2013 13:21

I take my bag to the loo so I can powder my nose

garlicsmutty · 06/07/2013 13:46

Having fallen victim to office kleptomaniacs a few times, I take my bag everywhere!

I'm coming round to the idea of a stitched-in, zipped, waistband pocket for DD. But it's important to make the school see sense, too, or it will just carry on making girls suffer :(

watchforthesnail · 06/07/2013 15:27

cardibach, im not embarrassed as such, there is no fretting, its just without fail, someone will always say something, because getting up and walking off with your bag seems to make people assume you are going somewhere. I dont really like the whole office knowing im on my period for some reason, im not embarrassed but i dont want it announced to everyone.

StuntGirl · 06/07/2013 16:22

Christ, I always take my bag to the loo, do people just thnk I have insanely long periods or something? Grin

The fact your daughter is coming home 'in a mess' because she doesn't have adequate facilities is not on, and it really isn't the huge deal its being made out to be. I know, she's 11, everything is a huge deal, but a quick word with the school and some no nonsense reassurance from her mum and she will be fine. In fact she'll be better than fine, she'll be clean and comfortable and happy.