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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to keep DD off school due to her period

236 replies

FrameyMcFrame · 05/07/2013 07:46

It's school sports day today and DD (11) has just come on to her period.

This would be ok normally but the school has a rule that you have to leave your school bag in the classroom so DD logistically can't change her sanitary towel at school unless she gets it out of her bag and carries it in her hand along to the loos.
Obviously she is too embarrassed to do this so she always comes home in a bit of a mess when she is on her period at school. With it being sports day, this is going to be a problem with changing and the embarrassment associated so I've decided to keep her at home today. AIBU? And what should I say to the school as a reason for her absence?

OP posts:

whois · 05/07/2013 16:48

It's understandable the 11 year old girl is embarrassed.

The rule is a shit one and needs changing.

However OP I think it's pretty disgraceful you kept her off school, disgraceful you didn't give the real reason and very childish not to try and find a solution with the school.

How hard is it to keep some pads or towels in her pencil case in a little pretty bag? Not. At. All.

Original poster

FrameyMcFrame · 05/07/2013 16:53

Umlauf, the point is she hasn't ever been able to change it at school so by the end of the day she's in a mess really. Thats ok if you've got black tights and a black skirt on, but in sports kit and changing with others in the changing rooms is not a good idea.
Changing rooms have been a source of upset with another girl in DDs class telling her that she needs to wear a proper bra not a crop top which really upset her :(

Whoever said i shouldn't have shown her the thread... why not????
Actually she read it while i was getting dressed anyway.

She has 3 close friends, none of whom have started yet. We don't know anyone else well enough to ask sensitive questions.

OP posts:

Original poster

FrameyMcFrame · 05/07/2013 16:56

Whois
Pencil cases are not a good place to keep sanitary pads. All the kids look in each others pencil cases. A san towel being found in a pencil case would cause humiliation

OP posts:

Umlauf · 05/07/2013 17:05

I wouldn't have her going the whole day without changing it, it might be okay now but she could get heavier at any time. I remember being in year 7 on the school bus home and a girl standing up to leave with a bright red patch on her bum. (She was the coolest girl in school and just laughed it off but said later shed never had it that heavy before).

In fact, and this Was mortifying, aged 25 I was wedding dress shopping in a really expensive designer boutique in London we couldn't really afford, the designer herself was there helping me, and I got my period an hour before my appointment. Despite a 1 hour old sanitary towel and 2 pairs of spanx, I still managed to get a huge red patch on the back of a £3k dress, which I then had to buy as I'd ruined it!! The whole shop was white apart from my bum. Luckily I liked the dress and was able to clean it up enough in time for the wedding but I'm still paying back the debt!!! Anyway, that's another story, but my point is periods can be unpredictable and could lead to a FAR more embarrassing scenario.

Suggestions:
A) go to accessorise and buy one of the tiny fabric coin purses, just big enough for one pad. Pop it in pencil case. If another child opens pencilcase, pad out of view.
B) buy square of fabric and stitch into lining of clothes on 3 sides to make pocket. Ur safety pin to close top side. (too late for sports day but useful for future). You can get ultra thin pads that wouldn't add bulk.
C) TALK TO SCHOOL!! You don't even have to say its about her specifically, and certainly don't tell her you have done. Just say you noticed the rule about bags and wondered what girls on periods were supposed to do. Mention it next parents evening.

SoupDragon · 05/07/2013 17:14

I can't believe this has not caused a problem for pupils before. What an utterly stupid rule! It needs to be sorted out properly with the head teacher.

bigTillyMint · 05/07/2013 17:21

That's exactly what I've been saying, SD

eurozammo · 05/07/2013 17:22

I don't understand why she is so embarrassed either. I had awful period pains. I used to end up in the medical room with a hot water bottle regularly. Everyone knew why I was there. Another girl had the same issue and we synched and used to have to share the water bottle! I was 12 when my periods started so not much older than your daughter.

inneedofrain · 05/07/2013 17:24

Oh god it's not a school in Sussex is it? Why has nothing got better since I was a kid (nearly a 100 blood years ago) we had this same problem!

Combined with bag searches where everything was emptied out on to a table / the floor etc

It was hell on earth

I regularly used to find girls sobbing in the loos (I was one of those sympathic kids)

In the end it was the MALE janitor that took pity on us and he used to leave one of the cupboards unlocked (highly against h and s even back then) in 1 girls bathroom and we all kept a few bits in there his wife god bless her used to buy (out of her own money) a few different types of protection encase any of us got caught short

In the other school building we learnt how to open the paper towel dispenser (using the back if a house key) it was the type that had folded towels (hideous things that didn't dry anything) and keep a supply in there

Do right to the school and get them to engage there brain

Greensleeves · 05/07/2013 17:51

Poor kid, she should never have been put in this position in the first place.

I would talk to the head without her knowing tbh, she is only 11 and can't be expected to make the right choice here when embarrassment is the end of the world at that age. I "betrayed" my ds1 by talking to the school about bullying and I haven't regretted it.

Sports day, setting an example etc - meh. Sports day IS a waste of time. Most people I know hated it as kids and would have got out of it if they could. They're happy balanced people. I'd keep my child off in your situation.

PoppyWearer · 05/07/2013 18:04

Oh, poor girl! I had the same issue when I was that age (almost 30 years ago!) and always came home in a horrible mess on days when I had my period at school. My mum used to phone in sick for me when it was sports day and I had my period. And she worked in a school (not mine).

How are schools STILL not making this easier for our girls?!

GrimmaTheNome · 05/07/2013 18:09

A san towel being found in a pencil case would cause humiliation

It might embarrass a boy if he was rooting around (and TBH by 11 they should have a bit more respect for other people's belongings) but why would it cause humiliation? Its not something to be ashamed of - on the whole from what I remember myself and from my own DD's reaction girls are rather chuffed to reach this milestone. The other girls will need gear when they're mature enough too.

garlicnutty · 05/07/2013 18:11

I know, this is a ridiculous example of "pretend it's not happening"
Give them what for, OP!

And I hope DD had a luffly day off :)

garlicnutty · 05/07/2013 18:15

Grimma, I really don't see why an 11yo should be having to make allowances for her school's inadequate pupil care, nor why she should just 'deal with' other pupils' cruelty. The school should be making reasonable adjustments, with compassion.

pumpkinsweetie · 05/07/2013 18:20

Yanbu, the school needs to make provisions allowing menstruating girls to use the toilet discreetly without embarrassment.

piprabbit · 05/07/2013 18:21

The school has a responsibility to provide an environment that is healthy and hygienic and in which the pupils dignity is respected.

Either your DD has misunderstood the policy that enables menstruating pupils to keep themselves clean in a dignified and private manner, or the school isn't doing it's job.
Either way, the OP needs to get in touch with the school and to find out the true facts. If the school has a policy which regularly means that many girls are going home in a humiliating mess, then I think this is a safeguarding issue which could be reasonably escalated to governors and/or Ofsted.

halcyondays · 05/07/2013 18:22

a lot of young girls are very embarrassed about their periods though, they are just getting used to dealing with them and after all grown women don't tend to go around waving tampons in the air in public do they?

halcyondays · 05/07/2013 18:24

I started my periods in the last few months of primary school, but i cant remember how I dealt with changes at school. At secondary I had a skirt with a pocket in it. I certainly cant remember anyone taking their school bag to the toilet in either school unless they were moving between classes.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 05/07/2013 18:24

Just read this and am horrified that this is the case in this day and age.

Back in the 80s, a girl in my primary school class started her periods at 9 and the school made provision for a sanpro bin in the PE changing room toilets, rather than the usual toilets or making her use the staff toilets. We also had 'the talk' with our female head teacher and were told to go to her if we had questions or anyone was ever caught short.

I don't agree with calling in sick when someone isn't sick as a rule, but in this case I think it was well and truly justified. What else was she supposed to do?

I can't believe schools don't have policies on this kind of thing, particularly given the high concentration of female staff in primary and middle schools - and the fact that girls are starting their periods at younger and younger ages.

Saying that, my high school used to keep the toilets locked and only unlock them at lunchtime, in a bid to stop people smoking in them. There were complaints from parents about that...

GrimmaTheNome · 05/07/2013 18:29

I really don't see why an 11yo should be having to make allowances for her school's inadequate pupil care

of course not - but the OP put the problem as not being able to get the bag out of the room. In terms of being obvious that she's on, I'd have thought carting a bag into the loo would be less discreet than some of the alternatives suggested. I think the OP should talk to the school so they can get their act together, but they need to come up with something that really solves the problem.

nor why she should just 'deal with' other pupils' cruelty
certainly not... but is this the sort of thing kids are cruel about? Maybe I've just been very lucky never to see it myself.

Original poster

FrameyMcFrame · 05/07/2013 19:41

yes it it I'm afraid.

OP posts:

GrimmaTheNome · 05/07/2013 19:48

Sorry to hear that. You really do need to get the school to deal with this - your DD simply must be given the means to sort herself out during the school day in a dignified manner.

Good luck with it!

HotCrossPun · 05/07/2013 20:27

That's a nice offer you made SecondStarToTheRight

CaptainSweatPants · 05/07/2013 20:43

I used to furtle in my bag and put tampon up my sleeve

ShellyBoobs · 05/07/2013 20:54

I don't understand why she is so embarrassed...

Helpful.

FryOneFatManic · 05/07/2013 21:04

DD started when she was 11 in Year 7. After chatting with her, ALL her friends who started felt embarrassed. It's a big thing for them, and the boys at that age are not exactly subtle either. So the girls don't want to go to the loos and risk others knowing that they are going to change sanpro.

If the girls at this school are having to leave their bags in one classroom (the form room) while having lessons in another, then the ability to be discreet is reduced.

Even at my age (44), while I'm not embarrassed about having to change sanpro, I don't exactly advertise it when in the office.

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