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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

please give me your opinions about mother approaching dh on school run..

241 replies

wintertimeisfun · 03/07/2013 16:25

would you have alarm bells rining if your partner/dh told you a women he often sees on school run (he shares it with me due to my job) & exchange smiles (as one does with many of the other mums to be friendly) has approached him asking him if he wants to be her 'cycling buddy' as she has seen him cycling. he said he was quite taken aback as he doesn't know her and has only smiled to before. possibly she thinks he is single etc or it could be literally just what she suggests although she could have approached anyone. tbh i wouldn't go upto someone else's partner at the school gate and ask them if they want to come with me to ie the gym or on a trip to do what i do for a living (if i had heard he was also into the same thing). opinions please... i am not very comfortable with it (or he) and i am not a posessive type, quite the opposite normally

OP posts:
garlicnutty · 03/07/2013 23:11

In the days when I did run & cycle, people sometimes offered to buddy up with me. Well, I say 'people' but, actually, they were all men. I was suspicious of their motives - reasonably, I think - and told 'em I prefer to train alone.

I would have gone with a woman who'd asked. But none did.

Mumsyblouse · 03/07/2013 23:12

Wuldric I find your insistence that there is never an agenda between married men and single women (or married women and single men or all married people) just as silly as those insisting there is always an agenda. Of course men and women can be friends, but some people are unfaithful in the context of these friendships. It's slightly naive to believe this is never possible and all men/women friendships over hobbies are always platonic, just as it's rather sad to live in a world in which you are convinced everyone is after your man.

Op- from what you have said, you do not have much to worry about, your husband feels a bit uncomfortable and wasn't looking for a cycling buddy so there is no real issue. You have been rattled because she is young and pretty and you feel insecure, but there's no need to feel like this, your husband has been honest and is taking account of your feelings. I have been exactly where you are now, and in my case it was entirely innocent and I felt a right pillock for thinking otherwise, but sometimes the best of us can feel threatened by younger models. I don't think you need to dwell on this though, as it all seems in hand and it is your jealousy driving it rather than anything your partner has done.

Wuldric · 03/07/2013 23:14

So okay

You are all suspicious of opposite sex relationships. Rightly or wrongly.

So how does this equate with having equal relationships? Don't tell me that you believe in separate but equal. Because I really will then JUST despair. Please tell me that you are living in deepest darkest Peru and not in the UK in the 21st century.

Original poster
wintertimeisfun · 03/07/2013 23:14

fwiw dh has had many female friends over the years, still does, never bothered me infact i often tell hiim he should get intouch with them as he hasn't seen them for ages (one in particular). this ain't the same thing though as i know who they are, few of them have known him far longer than i have. i have many male friends, dh feels as i do, no threat but he knows them also & how i met them, they didn't approach me in the street as a stranger and ask me if i wanted to be their friend....

OP posts:
Original poster
wintertimeisfun · 03/07/2013 23:19

wul you are twisting this. my beef wasn't about single or not single. just the way in which she approached a father she didn't know at the school gate with a view to him hanging out with her. not quite the same thing. both dh and i have friends who we regulalry hang out with (without the other being there). not the same thing at all. i have lots of male friends that there is no way in hell i want to sleep with, dh trust me, i trust him, this is just different in the way it has come from nowhere.

OP posts:
HappyDoll · 03/07/2013 23:20

OK, so you don't see the relevance of my post. But I do. You have consistently referred to your DH as 'someone else's partner', my point is, why label him as that from her standpoint when it is perfectly possible that she views him as 'that cycling guy at the school gate', not your possession.
Is it possible that she chose to approach a man because the women at the gate are less than friendly? I know that feeling.

garlicnutty · 03/07/2013 23:21

they didn't approach me in the street as a stranger and ask me if i wanted to be their friend....

Exactly. I don't believe for one second that ALL opposite-sex friendships are dodgy; neither that NONE of them are!

I am generally suspicious of people going out of their way to Be My Friend. Applies to both sexes: if they're that keen, they have an ulterior motive.

Mumsyblouse · 03/07/2013 23:22

I am not suspicious of all opposite sex relationships, my husband also has a hobby in which he has women partners (that sounds a bit wrong, but you know what I mean!), he has women colleagues who he works with and he has women friends whom he sees for lunch etc.

I don't feel threatened by any of this- but when someone new suddenly rocked up on the scene, I did feel threatened, not sure why that particular person did, but that's how I felt. In my case, however, there really was nothing going on, and I've got to know the person very well and she's lovely (I don't hold her good looks against her any more). I think it's the intrusion of someone new, young, attractive, with unknown motivation (may be lovely and innocent, may not)- I don't think it's crazy to feel a bit threatened or jealous once in a blue moon if you are not usually like this but in most cases (and it sounds like this here) it does say more about you than about the new person. Nothing the OP says makes me think her partner is interested in this lady, more bemused.

Original poster
wintertimeisfun · 03/07/2013 23:30

dh has alot of female friends especially with his work (he has two jobs). always gone over my head when he talks about them, funny really but never been bothered as i have said repeatedly, neither of us normally bother about these things. i always come home from work going on about one bloke or another. it is just the odd way inwhich this came about. i understand that there is a possibility that she merely wants a cycle friend whether she is single or not, i know this, just seems odd when listening to dh's tale of events. she's never chatted to him about cycling which is a bit odd if she has noticed that she shares a common interest with him but then suddenly puts him on the spot. i don't like being put on the spot ie someone wanting to come with me to my job or wanting my number, but i find a way out of it. this issue has become whether or not she is single, this is ain't

OP posts:
dontgowadingin · 03/07/2013 23:41

I love it when the trendy " oh I never get jealous over my man " crew appear '

Personally I would have eye balled her and then given my man a love bite!! Grin

Cheeky mare she was well after a jump !

garlicnutty · 03/07/2013 23:50

she's never chatted to him about cycling which is a bit odd ...

OP, I'm turning into your pet parrot for the night!

Yes, my brothers are raging cyclists. Whenever they clap eyes on another obsessive keen cyclist, they ask knowledgeable questions about the others' bike build (they're all custom-built) and swap info about the various lunatic trails they ride at the weekends. It's like this with all common interests, isn't it?

Nobody says "Hello! You cycle! Me come with you!" unless there's something wrong with them and/or their motive.

Wuldric · 03/07/2013 23:54

Yup, trendy old me

Me I am firm and pert and trendy and not 46 years old at all.

ROFL at the thought of giving Dh a lovebite at the first sign of female attention though

Just let me know when you all emerge from the 19th century though.

Jeez, I thought I was old ....

monicalewinski · 04/07/2013 00:01

winter it's all been thoroughly overthought and dissected now, I'm not surprised you're tired. The whole thing was odd tbh, but your husband clearly thought it to be odd too; he just needs to politely brush off her interest in 'buddying up' if she approaches him again (other posters have made good suggestions for brush offs).
Don't dwell on it too much or you'll end up blowing it out of proportion in your head (but you are def not unreasonable to have been rattled in the first place because what she did is not normal behaviour IMO).

Eyesunderarock · 04/07/2013 00:09

Snuggle up on that bench Wuldric and make space for another member of the trendy crew. Somewhat older than you too. Grin
Been with mine for 30 years and never doubted him, or he me.
It's always a bit sad when those of us in stable and trusting relationships get accused of various sins from complacency and smugness to self-deception and out and out lying.
Still don't understand why the OP's husband didn't just say 'No thank you'

Kewcumber · 04/07/2013 00:30

I'm confused. She's a stranger - which is why you don't like her asking your DH to cycle with her yet you expect her to know that he is married because she should know having been at the same school as you for years and years Confused

As a single parent myself, I can't imagine making a pass at a fellow parent in the playground. But perhaps this woman is a better femme fatale than I.

I don't see the big deal

"sorry between the wife and the kids and the job I'm struggling to find spare time to do extra cycling. Have you thought of asking X? (insert name or some other likely victim man)

Original poster
wintertimeisfun · 04/07/2013 05:56

i don't expect her to know that he is married but this is by a school where there is a good chance the father of a kid has a partner, this isn't in a bar on a social evening. i wouldn't go up to another man with a view to him going off somewhere with me if i saw him outside a school gate. still tired..and confused which ever way i look at it. he said he gave her his number because he felt odd not to as she had put him on the spot and asked for it. i know that feeling, your mind goes blank. he is naive and genuinely thought it would be nice for someone to go cycling with him, fair enough, could be just that but i still think odd as he was a complete stranger and not the only bod into cycling. i know another father there who is a much keener cyclist than him although alot plainer to look at, didn't ask him did she

OP posts:
Lweji · 04/07/2013 06:04

Maybe the other cyclist dad isn't friendly to her?

Inertia · 04/07/2013 06:56

I wouldn't be happy with this TBH - but I think I would have directed my unhappiness at my husband for agreeing to go out alone with a woman he barely knows and for giving her his number.

Your husband is making excuses. He just needs to tell her sorry but that's not going to work for him and she might do better to join a cycling club.

MovingForward0719 · 04/07/2013 09:30

I think it's been over thought. Maybe she doesn't realise you're together. It if makes you both uncomfortable he just needs to keep out her way or not reply if she texts him. She'll soon get the message. Or just do the school run together a couple of times and she might feel a bit of a prat. Then let it go.

theorchardkeeper · 04/07/2013 09:43

Look, you're uncomfortable with it, quite clearly so.

He has female friends and you're not generally insecure so just bloody tell him you're not comfortable with it and that can be that.

It does reek of ulterior motive too, to be honest. You may be wrong but she doesn't know him at all and as you said, other mums at the school cycle and yet she asked a bloke she's waved at a few times.

Also, if it made your DH a bit uncomfortable then he was probably sensing that too.

Anyway, you're well within your rights to just say it makes you uncomfortable, whatever's going on.

xylem8 · 04/07/2013 10:24

'DH goes out to lunch with a group of ladies who lunch'

the key word being 'group' there Wuldric, a big difference to what this lady is proposing

motherinferior · 04/07/2013 10:45

I am loving the idea that I am trendy because I had my 50th birthday a month ago Grin

I used to be madly jealous rather like rather a lot of you lot. Then I took up with Mr Inferior and gave up. Should someone younger and perter than I attempt to get into his padded cycling shorts I am sure he would be flattered but no doubt extricate himself with dignity Grin

Emilythornesbff · 04/07/2013 11:20

Good posts mumsyblouse

And pmsl @ dontgowadingin.
Where's the "like" button when you need it?

merrymouse · 04/07/2013 11:40

I think its the phraseology that is a bit weird.

It's one thing saying 'would you like a game of tennis' or even 'if you are ever short of a tennis buddy, here's my number' for instance. It's quite another thing saying to a complete stranger 'let's be tennis buddies' which implies a commitment to a regular game.

As I said before, even with no sexual connotations whatsoever, I would feel put on the spot if another mum said 'let's be knitting buddies/windsurfing buddies/golf buddies/dog walking buddies/gym buddies', if she hadn't ever really spoken to me before, because this implies that she wants me to regularly do something with her every Tuesday morning, for instance, and we might really not get on, and then I would have to start making excuses about why I was suddenly busy on Tuesday mornings and it would become really awkward.

I suspect that is why he is feeling uncomfortable.

The only thing I can think of to explain this rather odd behaviour is that perhaps she has chatted to one of the other parents about wanting to find somebody to cycle with, and they know your DH and have suggested him.

NinaJade666 · 04/07/2013 12:13

I wouldn't be comfortable with how she's gone about it at all. My OH would most definitely have said no thanks, and NEVER would have given his number out to a woman he hardly knows.

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