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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

please give me your opinions about mother approaching dh on school run..

241 replies

wintertimeisfun · 03/07/2013 16:25

would you have alarm bells rining if your partner/dh told you a women he often sees on school run (he shares it with me due to my job) & exchange smiles (as one does with many of the other mums to be friendly) has approached him asking him if he wants to be her 'cycling buddy' as she has seen him cycling. he said he was quite taken aback as he doesn't know her and has only smiled to before. possibly she thinks he is single etc or it could be literally just what she suggests although she could have approached anyone. tbh i wouldn't go upto someone else's partner at the school gate and ask them if they want to come with me to ie the gym or on a trip to do what i do for a living (if i had heard he was also into the same thing). opinions please... i am not very comfortable with it (or he) and i am not a posessive type, quite the opposite normally

OP posts:
Original poster
wintertimeisfun · 03/07/2013 22:21

no, i have no interest in talking to her,never did before either. i certainly don't want to approach her now. i don't care for her to know who shit she has made me feel, i doubt she would care although i would be mortified if i made someone feel like this although i wouldn't be insensitive to approach a stranger in a relationship with a view to starting up a friendship by going off with me to places

OP posts:
motherinferior · 03/07/2013 22:23

I think that whether or not she fancies your DH it's more than a bit sad that you dislike and distrust other women so much. We're not all trying to get into his pants, you know.

Original poster
wintertimeisfun · 03/07/2013 22:26

i dislike the sort of women that appear to make an obvious play for someone that is (more than likely) already in a relationship with someone else. says alot about a women. and no, i have never, as an adult, particularly liked many females. nothing to do with men, just prefer either being a loner or hanging with males (although usually either gay or alot older and not in a way that would bother their partners) :-D

OP posts:
UptheChimney · 03/07/2013 22:26

Oh dear, not suggesting that you let her know how you feel (I don't blame you, BTW) -- just put on a perky mask, and pretend it's all hunky dory and that you'll be joining them cycling at some point. And that you have no anxieties: pretend, pretend, pretend, to put her in her place! or tell your DH that you are a bit upset about this and that he should just not follow up her invitation.

She seems a bit weird anyway just to approach him. Is it because he's more of a public figure, being in a band & so on? There's a word for that -- don't know if I can write it here "starf***8" Sounds like that to me.

Good luck!

bettykt · 03/07/2013 22:31

Do you know if she's single or in a relationship?

DIddled · 03/07/2013 22:31

As long as she didn't ask him if he fancied a ride!!!

Wuldric · 03/07/2013 22:31

I feel sorry for this lady.

Your alarm bells are ringing because she isn't in a relationship. And this is what makes me feel very sorry for her. All she wants is someone to cycle with for a bit of motivation. She's a cyclist, he's a cyclist. Yet because she is single (and she probably only approached him because she believed he was safe) the alarm bells start.

What does this say about relationships between men and women? What on earth sort of planet are we all living on?

Wuldric · 03/07/2013 22:33

I should add that I have a hobby which necessarily involves having a partner. I have multiple blokes that I play with :) DH never bats an eyelid. Quite rightly.

Original poster
wintertimeisfun · 03/07/2013 22:36

no no, he's not famous/recognisable to the average bod on the street (i wouldn't know who the fuck he was if i wasn't with him). he plays in a band more successful overseas/underground but would be recognised by a hardcore fan (not a mum at a gate). he does stand out though just because of the way he looks, NOT because he is really good looking (he isn't, just different looking, tis' all). i am drained from all of this. funny really, started the day nice and normal, now feel really weird and unfamiliar. i read as someone who is really insecure and fears other females. this is the really funny thing, i don't normally, actually is is normally dh who makes quips becasue of me/people i meet. this is just an odd uncomfortable out of the blue situation. i think from what i have read most posters here wouldn't feel overly happy if a pretty (single) female from nowhere asked their partner to hang with them cycling, fair point i think

OP posts:
motherinferior · 03/07/2013 22:37

I agree with Wuldric.

StuntGirl · 03/07/2013 22:38

I think that whether or not she fancies your DH it's more than a bit sad that you dislike and distrust other women so much. We're not all trying to get into his pants, you know.

This.

I think this has unleashed some deep seated anger and possessiveness you didn't know you harboured, and that is what is unnerving you the most? But it's difficult to deal with that so you're directing your anger towards her? There's certainly a lot of vitriol towards this woman who by your own admission you don't know from Adam.

Original poster
wintertimeisfun · 03/07/2013 22:44

nah, don't buy it, all this pity for her. she doesn't strike me as someone who is weak and in need of company that she approaches other peoples partners doing the school run. i am a confident independant person who has little to do with females in a close way apart from one friend, through choice. i think as does dh that her behaviour was forward and a bit fresh. i can see why she strikes a pity chord but i don't buy it. i don't know if she is single or not but still think it a bit odd as do many other posters here. i think all of us have some insecurities buried and are liars if they say they haven't and no, i didn't know i did until today. i am human after all :)

OP posts:
Cyclebump · 03/07/2013 22:47

I get it a bit more after a think.

As a cyclist I often went riding with people I'd randomly met and, on my regular commute struck up a number of 'nod, wave, hello and chitchat' acquaintances and ride buddies. To a non cyclist it's a very weird world and before I was in it I would have thought it odd too.

My DH plays rugby (a lot) and women have started coming along to the touch rugby sessions. I'll admit I felt slightly uncomfortable until I realised my double standards.

Information may be the answer. Your DH can be too 'busy' to cycle with her, but maybe he could look up the local cycle club so if she does get in contact it's clear he's only there for cycle info. Another genuinely useful cycle forum is Cyclechat, maybe he could direct her there.

It's likely the encounter was entirely innocent, if a bit odd.

StuntGirl · 03/07/2013 22:50

You trust your partner, he isn't interested in her (if she is even interested in him) and has rebuffed her. I think you need to let this go.

Wuldric · 03/07/2013 22:50

dh said he would prefer her to be in a relationship then he wouldn't feel uncomfortable.

Not all single women are predatory, mate. Conversely some married women can be very predatory. You need to relax about this. You're bigging this up and you know, if I saw someone who indulged in my hobby, I'd be smiling and waving too. Chill out, cheer up. Your DH loves you. Give her a break :)

HappyDoll · 03/07/2013 22:51

I briefly separated from DH last year and my friends at the school gate were so lovely and supportive...until the day of the school play when husbands & partners turned up. Literally no one talked to me except the single dad that they all usually fall all over (he was also shunned at the presence of the husbands). Not all single women are that desperate that they trawl playgrounds for partners...and of they are, husbands are capable of saying no. Women can be so horrible to each other.

xylem8 · 03/07/2013 22:55

i wouldn t dream oe asking a married man to do a hobby with me ,just me and him. It would certainly raise eyebrows round this way

Wuldric · 03/07/2013 23:00

i wouldn t dream oe asking a married man to do a hobby with me ,just me and him. It would certainly raise eyebrows round this way

Dear oh lord, where do I start with this? Do you honestly think this is reasonable? How on earth can we live on equal terms with men if you cannot engage with them as equals, without any sexual agenda? I have no sexual agenda with many of the single/married/gay men I play with. The interest is the hobby. They are my equals and I am theirs You are all being silly.

garlicnutty · 03/07/2013 23:02

As you've said loads of the other mums cycle - but this woman still has no cycling partner - and DH felt a bit squirmy about it, I'd suggest his instincts are working fine.

Either this woman has approached all the other mums, and they've refused (why?) or she went for the only man first (why?)

I think the other stuff about "if she weren't single" and your annoyingly stated preference for male company are red herrings. We say 'Trust your instincts'. And your H's instinct said "dodgy".

Wuldric · 03/07/2013 23:05

So let me get this straight.

In your worlds, a single woman automatically has AN AGENDA. She can only socialise with other women. Otherwise she is automatically suspect.

Have I got this right?

You are all utterly mad, you do know that, don't you?

DH goes out to lunch with a group of ladies who lunch. I adore this. What are you all afraid of, exactly?

scripsi · 03/07/2013 23:05

OP I hope you aren't feeling too bad: for what it's worth the way your DH is reacting to all this is a very good sign IMHO and I don't think you have any reason to feel bad. It is a weird situation to be placed in.

I guess he can just let it slide in a "one day we can all go cycling together" and that day never comes, kind of way.

oreocookiez · 03/07/2013 23:06

It would bother me a bit, Id think it odd that she doesnt even know your DH and has asked to be her cycling buddy! If one of my friends or someone DH knew well it wouldnt bother me at all.
It is def a bit strange. I think he should tell her no and on yer bike Grin

Original poster
wintertimeisfun · 03/07/2013 23:07

i don't know if she is single or not. my beef wasn't because i thought she was single but the way in which she approached a man she didn't know/had never spoken to other than the odd hello, and then ask him if he wanted to go cycling with her. simple as that. i would have felt odd if she hadn't been pretty too although didn't help that she is. and fwiw my close friend is single and pretty :-D, she hangs round here alot, never occurred to me to be insecure about it, still not either. just an odd situation. i'm too tired to be bothered about anything at the moment. taken onboard your comments wuldric. and happydoll i think that stinks, it made me feel sad when reading your experience, i would hate to make someone feel like that but this isn't the same thing. my post wasn't because she is single (i don't know if she is or isn't), it was her forwardness, dh feels the same, simple as that

OP posts:
Cyclebump · 03/07/2013 23:07

xylem8 I would move, as living in an area with that kind of snarky mentality would suffocate me.

Wuldric · 03/07/2013 23:10

Hang on a minute OP, you said that she was not in a relationship earlier on in the thread. To whit dh said he would prefer her to be in a relationship then he wouldn't feel uncomfortable Or did you mean that you didn't know whether or not she was in a relationship but you didn't know.

Blimey, it just gets worse.