Sorry, another wedding one

[Ilovemyself]

My Sister In Law is getting married next year and my wife is going to be a bridesmaid. We have twins and a 3rd who will be 2 and 5 months and 1 and 5 months.

We are all invited to the wedding ( good start lol)

Whilst discussing the wedding Sister in law said " you will just have to look after the kids whilst bridesmaid duties are being carried out"

I will never have a problem looking after my children but think that she had not thought about the situation.

We live an hour and a half away, so I can't look after the children at home. There is no way children can be looked after at the brides house, as there will be too much going on and not enough room.

I am left to look after the children for 3-4 hours before the wedding and get them ready for the wedding with nowhere to go.

My wife says forget about it but I am all too aware that we will get to the date and I will be left to just get on with it and will have to struggle on the day.

I have said if a solution cannot be found I would rather stay at home with the children than go and have a struggle of a day.

Am I being unreasonable on 2 counts- one with my sister in law for her couldn't care less attitude, and one with my wife for saying just ignore it?

[Ilovemyself]

Just to answer those saying that I am trying to manipulate my wife, I know you won't believe me but not at all.

Also, I am more than used to looking after my children and always love to do so. I never want us to leave parties early because of the children, most of the time they are enjoying it anyway.

The children are expected to attend.

And if I was asked to be a best man I would make sure that my wife and children were going to be ok or would politely decline.

And yes, on the day I may at least need a pee. To ask someone to look after one child would be ok but all three is a different matter.


Anyway, they are the answers to some of the points raised. I only came back to answer them otherwise all the negatives would just sit there without answer.

[eurozammo]

I feel you are making a complete mountain out of a molehill, OP.

There are so many options:

save for a B&B and stay there
save for coach/train and let your wife go on ahead
travel up in the car together, take the kids out for the morning and get them changed in the car/soft play/family changing room somewhere
ask someone in the wedding if you can stay over (possibly a tall order, but you never know)
ask someone in the wedding if you can hang out at theirs and get the kids changed there on the morning of the wedding
ask someone at the wedding if you could use their place for 30 mins to get the kids ready and take them to the park/soft play or whatever before that

I'm sure there are others. I just don't think this is the big issue you are making it out to be.

[ApocalypseThen]

The problem with all of those options is that the minimise the OP's role on the day, which is central and paramount.

[Emilythornesbff]

But it sounds like your DW isn't expecting you to manage alone.
Is she?

[TheDoctrineOfAllan]

Eh?

Of course you will need a pee.

That's got nothing to do with whether you are there early or not.

I'm sure the rest of your DC's family will watch them for a minute whilst you pee. Or your DW can pop over from the top table, or may even be sitting with you.

[TheDoctrineOfAllan]

If your brother asked you to be best man, you would decline?

Do you want your wife to decline then?

[dippymother]

You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves
unfortunately.

[Tweasels]

You can get a travelodge from £21 a night. I'm sorry but regardless of your financial worries, I don't believe you couldn't save that in a year. It's 50p a fucking week.

I actually think that looking after 3 under 3's is hard I get that but you don't want a solution, you want women to feel sorry for you which won't happen here.

[1Veryhungrycaterpillar]

How do you think parents who do this on a daily basis pee?

[merrymouse]

Hopefully OP, you are no longer on this thread and rather than consulting a bunch of strangers who know nothing about your SIL's wedding or her guests; you are consulting people who can actually help you, your family, or as you like to call them 'my wife's family'. It sounds like a perfect opportunity to get to know them.

[Ilovemyself]

I did respond to the practical solutions last night.

I did say I don't want her to decline.

And I don't think some of you have grasped the bigger picture about finances. My income is less then my outgoings and I have cancelled everything I can that I am not contracted into. It is hard to save when you can't pay the bills you have already.

I know about dealing with the children on a daily basis I do it now! It is more the fact that it would be simple for people that know the city to suggest something.

And my wife goes out with her friends on a regular basis ( when there is no cost involved) so I don't have any problems with that. Indeed I probably go out a lot less!

Anyway, that's that. I am leaving it now as has been suggested. I will let you know how it goes next year.

[1Veryhungrycaterpillar]

Hope you get a toilet break before thn!

[Bearbehind]

Just read this and your lack of finances excuse sounds a load of bollocks. Either you can afford to attend this wedding in its entirety or you can't but focusing on child care issues on the morning of a wedding THAT IS A YEAR AWAY AND MIGHT NOT EVEN GO AHEAD IF SIL IS MAKING A MISTAKE makes you look a nutter! You really need to find yourself a grip.

[Emilythornesbff]

I'm really really sorry about the financial situation.
That must be hard on all of you.

[MammaTJ]

She is the child free one, so send her by public transport the night before. She can then give the bride the proper support the night before and you can concentrate on the children.

[landofsoapandglory]

Once the actual ceremony is over you won't have to look after the DC by your self.

My niece was a BM to my Sister 3 months after my niece had had her baby. DN's friend had the baby for the ceremony and brought him back for the reception. I bounced him a bit, she did, my mum did, aunts did, friends did, it was like pass the parcel!

You do need to start looking for solutions rather than problems, where there aren't any! I think your DW deserves a medal, you are winding me up on this thread yet she manages to live with you!

[Emilythornesbff]

Are you just worried by the whole cost of this wedding?
I mean, unless there's a free bar, it's going to add up isn't it?
paying for bm dresses and all your DCs outfits plus a gift.
A train fare on top of that is nothing really.
If this isn't about not wanting to be the one left "holding the baby" at a wedding then are you actually just having a panic attack about the money?
Would you rather just not go?

[Ilovemyself]

Last one from me ( honest this time) as I have enough useful suggestions and would like to move on now.

Firstly, I hadn't even thought of the cost of the dress. I believe that the cost is not necessarily an issue to the bride and groom so they would be buying the BM dresses. We did ours on less than £3k 10 years ago and included the BM dresses.

I want to go as it is a family occasion

I have no issues with looking after my children but do want some tips on where is good to go in the area. After the ceremony isn't the issue at all, but during and before is what worries me.

And someone earlier said is there a Bridezilla in this case. I haven't seen it ( apart from the way I was spoken about this to but that's what she is like anyway) but my MIL has said she has turned into one.

Right, I am off to look at some threads that I guess are about things that are a damn site more important than my petty rubbish.

[kinkyfuckery]

"do want some tips on where is good to go in the area"

You haven't told us the area

[curryeater]

kinkyfuckery, he wants instructions from the wedding party
(and judging by your username, he is certainly not looking to take the kids to the sort of amusements you know about ;) )

Can I just say that I think the OP is having a slightly hard time (though I see why) as if I had twins who were a few months old I might think I never want to leave the house again

[ApocalypseThen]

I don't think he's having a hard time, really. This is an important occasion for his sister on law, and by extension, his wife. All he has to do is watch the kids for a few hours. Not some strangers, his own children. And he has a whole year to figure out how he's going to manage.

Yet somehow, his sister in law and wife are being mighty unfair imposing this massive logistical nightmare on him. He hasn't a word for anything other than how much he pities himself. It's all about the stress on him, how will he enjoy himself, why does he have to do everything, why is everyone laughing at how pathetic and childish he's being, why isn't he the focus of the event...

[Emilythornesbff]

But cost is an issue.
Even if dsisil buys the bm dress there are still outfits for the DCs and for you and drinks and a gift to be bought.
So I could understand why the whole thing would be very stressful.
Possible solutions to your problem of having to look after your children at their aunt's house are: your DW goes ahead (problem: train fare), that you rent a room for about £30 (problem: prohibitive cost), go to a soft play centre (problem: cost).
Although you have shown an interest in the sensible suggestion of asking the wedding venue if you can use a room, you then go on to suggest that you'll not be able to take a piss all day because they'll be no one to look after all three children.
This suggests that the issue is not the bride's or your wife's lack of understanding about busy toddlers in a crowded house but more about you not wanting to go to the wedding because you'll be struggling with the children.
I have sympathy with that but i think ppl will help.