Sorry, another wedding one

[Ilovemyself]

My Sister In Law is getting married next year and my wife is going to be a bridesmaid. We have twins and a 3rd who will be 2 and 5 months and 1 and 5 months.

We are all invited to the wedding ( good start lol)

Whilst discussing the wedding Sister in law said " you will just have to look after the kids whilst bridesmaid duties are being carried out"

I will never have a problem looking after my children but think that she had not thought about the situation.

We live an hour and a half away, so I can't look after the children at home. There is no way children can be looked after at the brides house, as there will be too much going on and not enough room.

I am left to look after the children for 3-4 hours before the wedding and get them ready for the wedding with nowhere to go.

My wife says forget about it but I am all too aware that we will get to the date and I will be left to just get on with it and will have to struggle on the day.

I have said if a solution cannot be found I would rather stay at home with the children than go and have a struggle of a day.

Am I being unreasonable on 2 counts- one with my sister in law for her couldn't care less attitude, and one with my wife for saying just ignore it?

Surely there will be lots of family members staying in hotels/B&Bs locally, could you not go and use their room to get the DC ready, after a morning of playing elsewhere? Even better if any other relatives live locally.
I'm sure someone would be willing to let you in for half an hour, just to give the DC a once over and dress them.

You've said a couple of times you would like to enjoy yourself at the wedding.

I think this is the big problem.

You are not going to be able to enjoy yourself. You are going to be run off your feet. It is going to be a long day of hard work.

This is part of having three tiny children. Sometimes you make sacrifices. It's a shame but this is how it goes.

Moaning about it will only achieve spoiling DW and DSIL's days as well. There is no need for that. So suck it up.

I really don't get how, in the space of the next 12 months, you would find it impossible to save up £30 to pay for a hotel room to stay in the night before.

Morning all. For those that didn't post last night:

SIL lives with parents
We only have one car and no one else from the family live in this direction 1.5 hours from the wedding.
Our income is less than our outgoings. We are struggling financially so saving/hotel/train/coach isn't really an option.
It's not about my wife "abandoning me". I love the time I spend on my own with the children and do it regularly.
I don't know who to speak to in the area, or where anything is.
And yes, I do want my children to look their best at what is an important family occasion.

And my biggest gripe was that I asked for ideas as I know no one well enough or the area and all I got was don't worry about it - it will sort itself out. If I don't make plans then it will be a nightmare.

Maybe your wife's parents could collect her the day before. Or ask if the venue can provide a room for a short while to get the DC ready in - we asked for a place to bf DS at a wedding when he was tiny and the dress I had to wear was really not bf friendly ( practically had to take the damn thing off each time!). They were very helpful and gave me an empty conference room for the day.

This thread makes no sense to me. If you can't afford to save for a hotel for 1 night or a one way train ticket for your wife in more than a years time, how the hell are you going to afford to pay for your wife's bridesmaid dress, the hen do, clothes for the children 'to look their best' in, a wedding present, drinks on the day etc.

It seems to me the 4 hours entertaining your kids is the least of your worries and you are using this as an excuse to avoid going all together.

My suggestion would be you drive your DW up the night/day before, then you return home. You get the DCs ready at your house in the morning and just drive straight to the wedding venue. Minimum fuss. Minimum expense.

Or take them to a park nearby, but not in their wedding outfits - wipes should be enough to clean them up if you've not done anything silly like give them messy food, and get changed in the car.

Ask the sister to pay a tenner for a coach ticket....I'm sure she will be happy to pay it, to stop you moaning and to ensure your wife will be at the wedding.

Why is your income less than your outgoings?

That's completely unsustainable. Do you want to post or pm me your budget and have us go through it?

oh but you need to go and make the effort, otherwise you will forever more be "[DW's name]'s useless husband who couldn't cope with his own kids for a couple of hours." - your DW will be justifying your behaviour while people give her sympathetic looks throughout the reception (as extended family will ask her where her DCs are, this is a family wedding, people will be looking forward to seeing your DCs and they will be missed.)

Honestly, your wife is right - you don't need to fix this now. In a year's time your children's needs will be very different, and you'll be able to make a better decision as to what is/isn't possible.
If it was me, I'd work on saving towards the cost of a train/coach ticket for your dw so she can go up early. It's the easiest option, and saved over a year for somewhere 1.5 hours away that really shouldn't be untenable. One beer less, or an extra meat-free meal a week, and you'll be there.
If you do have to go up on the day & waste 4 hours, I think you've had lots of perfectly feasible suggestions, but you need to realise that:
a) This WON'T be a fun day for you. You will be wrangling 3 small children so that your dw can support her sister. Don't expect to enjoy it, and everything will be easier.
b) You may have to make some compromises to your high standards, such as leaving 2 children in car seats/buggy whilst you dress no 3, or turning up at the venue looking less than perfect. I suspect this will make your life easier anyhow.

If you try and organise the logisitics of your children at this stage with PIL/family/friends you will look a bit strange (it's a bit me, me,me about a very non-essential element of the wedding) - but if you/your dw in 6-8 months time asks round the local family/friends, I'm sure one of the them will be happy for you to go there for a bit (if not the full 4 hours) to get the kids changed, and even give them lunch.

I've just checked train fares for a journey from here to my parents house - 1.5 hours drive away - for 3 months time. Cheapest advance single costs £6.

Have you actually checked how much it would cost for your dw to travel up on her own, OP....?

It's a wedding and unfortunately they cost money. You cannot attend without spending money that's just the way it is. This is what I think is making you argue against any idea suggested.

I get that your outgoings are more than incomings but as you said it's an important family occasion and you are just going to have to accept that money will need to be spent. You are analysing it trying not to spend any money. Once you accept this you will find your solution. You also need to accept that you will need to save if you want to make your life easier on this day, if you can't save then you will have to suck it up and it might be a but hard for a few hours on the day. You can't have,it both ways.

IMO the cheapest solution is for you to just take,the kids to sil and keep them out the way best you can or take them out and then get them ready on return.

Or, this is what I would do. Wife gets train, lift, coach whatever to sil and you follow after in car arriving just before wedding starts. You're only paying for this fare and petrol. I don't think you can make things any cheaper.

You either don't really want to go to this wedding at all, or you're just not very resourceful.

You are complaining that getting 3 DC ready in the car or in toilets etc is 'not fair on them', it will take half an hour at most, it's hardly the end of the world. It's also probably not fair on them to drag them to a wedding where they are likely to get bored and tired either, or take them supermarket shopping or anything else we have to do on a daily basis that they find boring, but people do that all the time.

Of course, it's not ideal to have to wipe them over with baby wipes and get them changed in a car or wherever, but they won't be 'looking their best' after being dressed for half an hour and wriggling to get away in the church/ceremony venue either, so I really just wouldn't worry about it.

When you have DC you end up doing all sorts of things with them you'd really rather not, that's just part of having them.

Why not Google to find out where things are? That's what everyone else does.

Advance train fares are very cheap. Look into that option.

Department stores sometimes have big baby rooms. Get the kids changed there. Don't see what's so hard tbh.

There's probably not much point in trying to persuade the OP he is being unreasonable.

His user name says it all and, judging from his previous posts, he likes nothing better than making a mountain out of a mole hill and showing off his children.

The wedding is next year!

Take them to soft play.
Get them ready there.
Job done.

Go onto the National Childbirth Trust website where there is a section for local branches. Use a postcode local to the place where the wedding is happening and send an email to the local branch, asking for local info on somewhere with good baby changing facilities.

Otherwise, Google is your very good friend.

Honestly OP, this isn't an army manoevre!

If you REALLY have no alternative but to all drive up in the morning, why not drop your wife off and then take the kids out BEFORE they need to be ready so they are out of the way for the bridal party. Get them fed, let them get messy and then take them back to the house and get them dressed for the wedding. Stuff them into car and go to wedding.

No drama required!

ILove - why are you back on here? People have given you a myriad of different options for you to consider, have you done anything about any of them?

As one poster said - this far in advance is a bit of a weird time to be worrying about it, but if you want a plan, and want one now, do some googling and sort one out.

I honestly think this is why your wife was, as you see it, a bit flippant about it. It's very far in advance, and really isn't the biggest of issues to sort out.

Your original post said AYBU for being annoyed with your SILs and Wifes attitude. I say yes YABU - it's not the SILs problem and she is focussed, quite rightly on her wedding and having her sister be bridesmaid. Your wife is more flippant about it for the reasons suggested above.

The line in your post "I have said if a solution cannot be found I would rather stay at home with the children than go and have a struggle of a day" suggests that you are being very precious about it.

• it's a year away, you have plenty of time to sort something
• you are essentially saying that your wife's family wedding is not important enough to put yourself out, or struggle, as you put it
• as posters have said here, there are plenty of options to think through and have a go at arranging, and your willingness to choose not going over all these says a lot
• it suggests that you cannot find a solution on your own - which I find mind boggling. Are you unable to talk to your (your wifes) family? Or google a bit about the area, or ask someone directly such as SIL of MIL for some suggestions?

OP I really think you are looking for reasons not to go. Would it be an option for you not to go to the day do, stay at home with the kids. Get a babysitter to come late afternoon and meet your wife at the evening do without the children.

But you do know people near the wedding venue, PILs, SIL, whoeverILs. If SIL is getting ready at PILs house it can not be that far from the venue. Just ask someone what you can do with the kids, FFS.

Man up!

I don't think you want to go. You think that lugging 3 children about in a strange place while trying to keep them calm and clean is a massive clam bake and will not be remotely enjoyable for any of the 4 of you.
I sympathise with that position, but not with you trying to make out it is impossible.

If your dw wants you all there, you have the choice of saying either:

a. my darling, this will be a very tricky day for me but I will do as you wish because I love you very much and recognise all the times in which you have supported me and so I do this willingly so the family will be together on this special day (and you find a way to cope; not to like it, but to cope - a million suggestions on this thread);

or b. My darling, I love you very much but this request stretches me beyond my capabilities and while I completely support you being a bridesmaid I cannot physically support you by bringing the dcs on the day. Please know that I am with you in spirit and wish you and the happy couple a marvellous day but I think it will be better for the four of us to stay and home and wish them well from a distance.

Thanks for the suggestions which I will be looking at. It is good to see some on here dont jump down your throat at the slightest reason.

And for the comment about my previous posts on here, I have been nothing but polite, and have learnt the errors of my previous posts so judge me on now and not then.

Laqueef. Thank you for your offer. I may well. PM you later

Finally, what I never said at the beginning was my wife doesn't even want to be a bridesmaid as she thinks her sister is making a mistake but is only doing it out of sense of duty.

I will gracefully leave this thread now and not respond to anymore comments