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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sorry, another wedding one

239 replies

Ilovemyself · 02/07/2013 22:09

My Sister In Law is getting married next year and my wife is going to be a bridesmaid. We have twins and a 3rd who will be 2 and 5 months and 1 and 5 months.

We are all invited to the wedding ( good start lol)

Whilst discussing the wedding Sister in law said " you will just have to look after the kids whilst bridesmaid duties are being carried out"

I will never have a problem looking after my children but think that she had not thought about the situation.

We live an hour and a half away, so I can't look after the children at home. There is no way children can be looked after at the brides house, as there will be too much going on and not enough room.

I am left to look after the children for 3-4 hours before the wedding and get them ready for the wedding with nowhere to go.

My wife says forget about it but I am all too aware that we will get to the date and I will be left to just get on with it and will have to struggle on the day.

I have said if a solution cannot be found I would rather stay at home with the children than go and have a struggle of a day.

Am I being unreasonable on 2 counts- one with my sister in law for her couldn't care less attitude, and one with my wife for saying just ignore it?

OP posts:
Antibridezilla · 03/07/2013 11:34

I realise you won't respond to this but people have been judging you primarily on this thread as you are making a huge mountain out of something really mundane.

If you tell anyone now that you won't be going to a wedding in a years time because you can't manage the logistics of your 3 children they will think you are insane. Is your user name your middle name as it seems very apt?

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 03/07/2013 11:55

First name Drip?

Emilythornesbff · 03/07/2013 12:12

Agree with curryeater
Op. you have my sympathies. It won't be easy but not only is it do able, it's something that IME is done by mothers /wives ALL THE TImE.
On countless occasions I see women doing the work of child care, staying sober, being organised, sacrificing rest or play, while their DPs get pissed and enjoy themselves at social occasions.
Literally happens all the time.
So that might be why there's a "suck it up" tone to some of the responses.
Lots of good ideas too though.
Hope all goes well OP.

carrymehome · 03/07/2013 12:50

I have 3 under 3 and a 6 year old and did this not too long ago at a wedding DH was being an usher at. I literally did dress them all in the car after mooching around all morning at the local park. It was fine. Not ideal obviously but we dealt with it. Kept DD2, DS1 & DS2 in the carseats with suitable snack items and a drink while I helped DD1 get dressed. Did her hair, wiped her face and hands (and any other mucky bits) as bath was had the night before, strapped her back in. Then did the same with DD2, then DS1 minus the hair and then finally DS2. Drove to the venue, took out the triple buggy and met DH there. Bag was packed the night before.

I took toys etc for them to play with in the car to keep them entertained and I don't think any of them were distressed. Not sure why this is so hard and I do things like this on my own with them all the time. Its tiring yes, but that is what I expected when I decided to have 4 dc.

They all looked gorgeous and I had many compliments throughout the day at how well turned out they were and many were shocked when I said I had dressed them in the car.

I think you are trying to find reasons not to go probably not helped by the fact that you are not very supportive of the couple.

Jan49 · 03/07/2013 13:12

What puzzles me most is that the OP is convinced he won't be able to afford a train or B & B overnight with a year's notice to get something cheap or save and can't possibly put aside £1 or £2 a week til then but also says on the subject of more children: "My wife wants more but I want her to rest her body first!" So he's confident they can afford more children?Confused

Shootingstar79 · 03/07/2013 13:12

Have you visited the money saving expert forum? If not, have a read through the debt free wannabe threads. They have some really good advice re budgeting and your options.

I too would find it hard with 3 to get ready for a wedding from a car! Soft play and changing them there sounds like your best bet.

whoneedssleepanyway · 03/07/2013 13:14

Ilove the simplest solution is for your wife to make her own way there by train in the morning and you arrive with the children later on just before the ceremony so you can get them ready at home and then you can all travel back together.

I note your comments about money but 1.5 hours is not miles away so whilst rail travel is expensive it isn't like you are travelling the length of the country, and it seems you would be able to find the money to take all 3 to soft play or a pub or whatever so put the money you save from that towards the train ticket. I know you say finding £5 extra is a lot but if you booked a ticket now you can make a big saving on advance fairs.

TarkaTheOtter · 03/07/2013 13:39

Just my reading of this: OP you are being manipulative to your wife. You want her to sack off her bridesmaids duties and drive up with you just before the ceremony. This is the "solution" you want her to find for you.
But she knows you pretty well and isn't falling for it this time.
If the roles were reversed what would your wife do?

CaterpillarCara · 03/07/2013 13:46

Places I have changed my children before events:

  • at the event (get there early, in hall or toilets)
  • at a nearby pub
  • at a nearby soft play
  • at a nearby park
  • at a nearby library
  • in a cheap hotel room
  • in the car
  • beside the car in a parking building
  • at a nearby friends
  • at a nearby museum

There are a million solutions.

landofsoapandglory · 03/07/2013 15:01

Jan49 I totally agree!

oscarwilde · 03/07/2013 15:06

Can't be bothered to read the whole thread over something so silly. 3 kids under 3 at a wedding - sounds exhausting. Save for a babysitter and have a day off would be my advice. Might be nice to take your wife down there for the day, read the paper somewhere quiet and enjoy the wedding instead of doing crowd control with 3 toddlers.

Emilythornesbff · 03/07/2013 15:11

Agree with tarkatheotter

Emilythornesbff · 03/07/2013 15:12

The children are attending the wedding oscarwilde

cheeseandchive · 03/07/2013 15:31

it just adds to the stress of what should be an enjoyable day

well yes, children tend to do that. But it isn't your special day, your job is to facilitate your wife and her sister enjoying the day. You're a supporting act and I don't think you like that very much.

I really can't believe you are making this so difficult for yourself (and your wife). You want a plan handed to you on a plate.

Why don't you call SIL or PIL and find out what places they recommend? Why don't you get on google? Why do you make this whole experience as enjoyable for your wife as possible by letting her know it is all in hand? You certainly want us all to know how capable and involved you are, but you're not doing anything to prove it in this situation.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 03/07/2013 15:57

"I am left to look after the children for 3-4 hours .... I will be left to just get on with it and will have to struggle on the day."

Welcome to the wonderful world of parenting - what kept you?!

carrymehome · 03/07/2013 16:04

I agree with jan. I'm pretty sure a 4th child will cost more than a B&B.

Being a parent means having to struggle sometimes. You are very controlling OP. Betting my bottom dollar that you wouldn't have given a second thought if it was you being best man and your DW having to manage with the kids.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 03/07/2013 16:05

Oh, and "I just need some assistance as I don't know anything about the place, and it is my wife's side of the family so she would know who could assist if anyone."

There's this new thing called Google, right ...

NatashaBee · 03/07/2013 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oscarwilde · 03/07/2013 16:18

Emily The children are invited. That does not mean that they have to attend. They are all under 3, it's not like they are going to have a fantastic fun day out and join in the dancing well past their bed-times.
Mostly though, the OP is just being a wet weekend and a selfish git imo.

oscarwilde · 03/07/2013 16:20

Apologies OP - that was a bit strong. I do think you need to man up though and stop stressing about something happening next year. You are right to expect a hectic day though. Try to line someone up to help out with the wrangling so you can at least have a pee in peace

nicelyneurotic · 03/07/2013 16:31

Hi Ilove, my DH and I were in this situation recently.

As we had a young BF baby who wouldn't take a bottle I got ready at home and joined the other bridesmaids about an hour before. DH met with some other family members who were at the venue early. Baby had a meltdown anyway but would have been so much worse!

Luckily my sister was very understanding and had other bridesmaids to help earlier in the morning, I guess it depends if your SIL is a bridezilla!

In hindsight a hotel may have been better as baby didn't like the longish drive there, but I would have had to have her with me anyway because of the feeding.

curryeater · 03/07/2013 16:36

I have a friend who was on maternity leave with me, twice, and her two are / were holy TERRORS. The big one being 2 while the little one was newborn was, frankly, completely hellacious for her. At least she had friends though.
anyway, she has a great gift for smiling in the eye of the storm and we hung in there together, meeting and propping each other up several times a week. However, whenever her husband went anywhere with us (rarely) he always wanted to go home soon "because [child] is [doing child thing]". He did this on my 40th birthday - she sat down with me to give me a card, he went to the bar and came back with no drinks because he wanted to go home because it was "too stressful". It seemed to me that only when they were out was he even vaguely prepared to get involved and his motivation for going home was to duck out of the whole child thing as usual - while my friend's motivation for being out was to have a much needed change of scene and some company and she didn't want to go home.
Anyway, she left him. Just saying.

nicelyneurotic · 03/07/2013 16:37

Actually, just noticed you have A YEAR to save for a B&B.

Do that and enjoy the wedding.

EldritchCleavage · 03/07/2013 17:14

Why do these brides want adult bridesmaids to fuss over them all day like ladies-in-waiting?

Why not all get ready together, get to PILs' an hour before wedding, drop your wife and go to venue early, let kids gambol about outside?

Emilythornesbff · 03/07/2013 17:52

So, to avoid a father spending 3 - 4 hrs looking after his children the mother shouldn't spend time with her sis before thevwedding.I guess she must never be allowed to go out then lest he be expected to pick up the slack.

And I too imagine things would be different were the tables turned.