To be sick of people saying they 'have' to go back to work and that I am 'lucky'

[Neverenoughcake]

Sorry this is a bit if a rant but I have to get it off my chest. I've lost count of the number of other Mums I've now met who are complaining about 'having' to go back to work because they can't afford not to, and for them to tell me in the next breath how 'lucky' I am that I haven't had to go back to work.

I am at a loss what to say as I know that for at least 3 of the people who have said this to me lately they have more than 3 nice holidays a year, one has just bought a very expensive new car (there was nothing wrong with her other one) and one always has a new outfit on whenever I see her. I drive a really old car and can't remember the last time I went clothes shopping and have one holiday a year with my family, but thats my choice and i'm happy with it. Don't they get that almost no one has the spare cash just to not go back to work without making some significant changes/sacrifices and it isn't down to luck?? I honestly don't care if people choose to return to work or not, totally up to them and so please don't turn this into a stay at home vs working parent debate! I just really wish people would be honest and say I want to go back to work so I can maintain my current lifestyle, that is just fine. Please help, I want to know what to say to these people when they complain they hate their jobs but have to go and that it's alright for me I'm so lucky. Don't want to be rude to them but I'm getting fed up with hearing the moaning!

But lots of people already can't afford a holiday abroad even with 2 people working. So if you can afford to be a SAHM by giving up holidays you are lucky.

That is like me saying I had to give up designer handbags and shoes to become a teacher whereas others can afford them,how dare someone say that I am lucky to be a teacher.

I think the OP means - I do anyway - that if people can afford to have holidays abroad, very expensive cars etc - then, strictly speaking, they don't NEED to work.

Also, the OP explained that she has saved so that she can afford not to have to work.

And no-one is saying that there are couples where both partners have to work - and that if they'd prefer not to both work full time, that's a shame.

And the OP does know she's lucky.

Compare with being told you're lucky to be slim. That's probably true up to a point, but you're very careful about what you eat and you're very active.....

YABU. Holidays and new clothes might cost a lot, but even after childcare costs my salary would bring in a whole lot more.

Without it however we might struggle to put food on the table. My partner and I earn about the same.

Friends who have high earning partners or have inherited a lot or bought property at the right time so have more cash ARE lucky, IMO.

OP, I think yabu and a bit judgmental, I'm afraid. As many posters have said there can be plenty of reasons why a mum has to return to work, other than wanting to afford designer bags and holidays. You are lucky to have a choice. I wouldnt say that you are lucky to be a sahm though as that wouldnt be right for everbody.

My DH is a manager earning a decent salary but we live in the SE and his wages only cover our mortgage and bills. I have to work in order to pay for food, clothes and everything else. We drive an average car for which we had to take out a loan .

Imo, life is a bit more complex than you make out. I sometimes wish I could be a sahm in order to spend more time with dcs and not to have to rush around everyday and be less stressed. But then again, I have studied hard and have some sort of career, pay into my pension and provide our family with private healthcare and can afford to pay for some kids activities so feel like I am contributing in a positive way.

We will go abroad this year to visit family but my parents have to pay for the flights. From the outside you might think we were going on a fancy trip but we are just seeing family and cant even afford it. Also when you work in the corporate sector you have to often adhere to a smart casual dress code so you actually have to buy decent clothes just to to appear professional in the office.

If you are happy with your choice then that's great for you. If anyone says that you are lucky to stay at home just smile and say yes it works for me.

I think its more that the OP doesn't like being told she's lucky, as if someone just handed her a load of cash so she could stay at home, or won the lottery. When in fact she has saved and gone without various things. And peoples idea of need is diffetent. Some people NEED to work to pay mortgage bills rent etc. Others need to to pay all those things plus the holidays cars shopping sprees. It is a matter of choice, not luck. If i'm ever able to have a child i will be lucky in that childcare would be mostly provided by family while i work. Even working i'm not sure how i'd pay for it!

I am not thin, but I have a nice figure. I am quite lucky to be born with good genes, to not have a personality type that means that I gorge on food, to be able to afford to do lots of sport and to have a relatively stress free lifestyle that means I don't emotionally eat.

I wonder what they'd say if you told them they were lucky to have a job which covered enough childcare costs to leave a bit left over? Or lucky to have family providing some childcare for free so the "cost" appears to evaporate for them?

I hate the word lucky,its bollocks.theres no such thing as luck.If you have the money to stay off work with your baby for a year because youve saved,its because youve saved not because your lucky.My husband works really hard and puts a lot of time and effort into the business,this is why we can afford for me to stay at home without making compromises,that is not luck,that is taking action!

I wonder what they'd say if you told them they were lucky to have a job which covered enough childcare costs to leave a bit left over?

If someone said that to me, I'd absolutely agree that I was lucky to be in this situation. It wouldn't occur to me to be offended. Yes, I have put in the hard graft and made wise decisions to get to where I am now, but it would be foolish to say that there isn't at least an element of luck that contributes to where any of us end up. I don't really get what is offensive about that, unless you are very unhappy with the situation that you're in.

There's no virtue in being a martyr. If you want to change your situation but can't, that's tough. If you're happy with it, why not rejoice in the good luck that helped you get to that situation?

I don't think there is a force called luck but some of us seem to have more fortune than others regardless of how hard they work .

I am lucky to have four children , this has become particularly clear to me after miscarrying our fifth.

I was lucky to meet my husband .

I was lucky to be born quite clever .

I was lucky that when I applied for jobs there was not a better candidate. Yes I had to work for the job, but there was an element of luck to transform my hard work into success.

Amber lots of people work hard but struggle to make ends meet.

The lady who cleans my classroom works harder than me but I guess are family income is at least five times hers if not more.

YABU. I'd love to be a sahm, we'd have no spare cash if u was or savings and DH won't agree to it. I work part time so we have rainy day money one UK camping holiday hobbies for children and socialise, but still if DH would agree I'd be sahm.

I'm completely with you on this one! My husband and I's financial circumstances couldn't have been much worse in recent years, we had to live with relatives for 2 1/2 years and it's been tough to say the least. However we made the decision that we could not face and didn't believe in putting our chn into nursery. Now they are older and will both be in full time pre-school and school come September I am looking for full time work.(we have not received any benefits btw before anyone asks!) But I get frustrated when people claim to have to work when in fact what they really mean is they want a materialistic lifestyle more than the desire to stay at home. Some people genuinely do have to work as we all know but there are many who say they need to work then waltz off to their huge new 4by4's, have every new gadget ipad etc going and jet off on holidays to Orlando etc. It's quite funny really, I think when they say that you are lucky it's actually to make themselves feel better abt the choices they make! (I don't have anything against nurseries btw, I just feel that the time is so precious that I wanted to bring up my own chn rather than pay someone else.)We don't have ipads/fancy or frequent holidays etc and our cars are on last legs but nothing can replace all the precious time we have had at home with our kids. My husband is lucky as he works shifts so gets to spend lots of time with them also.

Bless you OP, they are telling you are 'lucky' because they are being nice because they don't know waht else to say to someone who only exists to serve other people. They are probably secretly thinking 'thank fuck I worked hard enough to have a career that makes a significant contribution to our household and so means my OH can't argue we'd be "better off" if I was stuck at home all day'. They aren't jealous of you love, they pity you.

I don't think that wanting your own place to stay is particularly materialistic .

I think if being a SAHM means having to sleep in my sister's spare room I would go out to work . I also can't imagine saying to one of my relatives , can you subsidise me for a while because I don't want to work . Particularly of they go out to work to pay for the home you are staying in.

Plunging your children into poverty is more harmful than doing a few hours down the supermarket

louisiana that sounds very jealous and bitter!

I don't think Louisiana represents the views of many women, or people for that matter.

Louisiana.

Are you a tad jelous of the OP and sahm's then?
You should try it, I'm having a ball.

It doesn't exactly sound as if Louisiana is jealous...

I think that Louisiana was presenting an interestingly different (but no less valid) point of view, which coincided nicely with the slightly 'precious moments' post next to it. The work/don't work thing is just so value laden it's hard to negotiate.

Which is why I generally advocate for spending time with people who have made fairly similar choices/have similar values because otherwise it's exhausting to try and pick your words in such a way not as to offend, as well as listen in such a way not to be offended.

Luckily children are small for only a few years and then the whole thing becomes quickly irrelevant. No one knows or cares now about our early family arrangements, they are too busy managing their teens!

Nooka I agree and am very happy that I don't have to negotiate all this angst at "what other people say"
I don't remember any of this when mine were small or maybe I was oblivious

I get it the other way around. I work part-time. We could cope without my salary but it would mean less going into savings, fewer holidays, no cushion if DH made redundant. Besides I mostly enjoy my job and trained a long time to get where I am now.
I have a friend who has been a SAHM for the last 7 yrs and is constantly comparing their standard of living with the rest of our group of 6 other couples. Her DH only works 4 days, she does one morning. In every other family the couple are working somewhere between 1.5 and 2 full time jobs. She seems incapable of making the connection. Either decision WOHP/SAHP is fine, but unless one partner is spectacularly well paid you can't have it both ways. Make the decision that suits your family best and then stop whining about the consequences!

"Make the decision that suits your family best and then stop whining about the consequences"

Well said. That's it in a nutshell.

No SAHM has ever told me that I am lucky to be going back to work.