To be sick of people saying they 'have' to go back to work and that I am 'lucky'

[Neverenoughcake]

Sorry this is a bit if a rant but I have to get it off my chest. I've lost count of the number of other Mums I've now met who are complaining about 'having' to go back to work because they can't afford not to, and for them to tell me in the next breath how 'lucky' I am that I haven't had to go back to work.

I am at a loss what to say as I know that for at least 3 of the people who have said this to me lately they have more than 3 nice holidays a year, one has just bought a very expensive new car (there was nothing wrong with her other one) and one always has a new outfit on whenever I see her. I drive a really old car and can't remember the last time I went clothes shopping and have one holiday a year with my family, but thats my choice and i'm happy with it. Don't they get that almost no one has the spare cash just to not go back to work without making some significant changes/sacrifices and it isn't down to luck?? I honestly don't care if people choose to return to work or not, totally up to them and so please don't turn this into a stay at home vs working parent debate! I just really wish people would be honest and say I want to go back to work so I can maintain my current lifestyle, that is just fine. Please help, I want to know what to say to these people when they complain they hate their jobs but have to go and that it's alright for me I'm so lucky. Don't want to be rude to them but I'm getting fed up with hearing the moaning!

[gintastic]

I had the choice, and it was a very hard decision - OH earns enough to cover everything, my wages pay for the luxuries (and by that I mean everything apart from the absolute basics). I'm going back on 10th September, initially I'm going to give it a year and we are going to try and live on OH salary - only thing coming out of my account will be job relates expenses, eg petrol, childcare etc. If after a year, we have managed I'll give up work and we'll have a nice savings pot :-) if not, I'll still have my job and no break in my career to try and overcome. Going to be an interesting year, I think!

[Arisbottle]

If someone told me that I was lucky to be able to do something I would not see that as an insult. I think women are lucky if they are able to choose to stay at home.

[NowThatsWhatICallANickname]

pinkflipflop surely it is only lucky if you have made the choice to stay at home? Alot of women stay at home out of no choice because of expensive childcare and work not covering the cost. Some people like me were miserable at home and would have loved to work.

[HooverFairy]

OP you sound smug, and probably moreso to the ladies who really do not have a choice about going back to work, like me! I don't think you mean to though, as the others have pointed out - if you can live the lifestyle of your choice then you are lucky. You are right in a way though, if you've made sacrifices and are struggling with them then you aren't lucky.

I'm the breadwinner because my DH has an illness and can't work full time, my salary has more potential than his. I work to keep a roof over my family's heads, not so I can shroud myself in luxuries and spend the weekends in the spa. I'd prefer to be the one at home raising my baby, even on my bad days when I'm exhausted and at the end of my tether!

New cars and designer bags are not the reason I work, I can't afford these things after bills etc. I'm sure some people do though. Open your mind a bit OP, you do have a point but you're not considering the reasons that most people have for returning to work. TBH if those ladies who have to work to pay the bills have enough left over for designer bags and spa treatments then I don't blame them for indulging! Don't be judgey.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Pinkflipflop.

I think that if anybody was frugal enough they could afford to cover basic needs and have luxuries.
It might not be what they want to do or the lifestyle they would choose. However, the choice is there.
If you don't earn enough/ even the min wage then you are awarded tax credits, soon to be UC and cb.
Of course it is possible.

[DontmindifIdo]

well, it's been covered, but yes, YABU - you seem to assume that a woman's wage pays for treats and fun things - not bills and also fun things. If your DH earns enough to cover the bills, and/or you have the sort of career where you can take 5+ years out without having to start again.

However, you say you've saved to cover having a few years out, does that mean you aren't able to live off your DH's wage, but are planning to run down savings for a few years? Most people wouldn't want to live like that, worrying about what happens when the savings run out if you haven't lined up another job paying enough to cover any wrap around child care and the difference between your family expenditure and your DH's income.

[Pinkflipflop]

Yes, I'm talking about people who choose to stay at home. Yes, they have to tighten their belts a little but ultimately they can afford to stay at home!

[williaminajetfighter]

OP you are lucky and unfortunately you do sound a wee bit smug.
Some women who don't work don't appreciate that sometimes for working women there is a long game with good end benefits

I would be narked by someone judging me for working or buying new clothes - sometimes we need new clothes for professional jobs! And frankly sometimes we need a holiday for working full time long hours and then trying to juggle kids at the same time.

Go back to making your own nappies and spending the day making wholesome homemade soup!!

[williaminajetfighter]

Sorry for being cranky OP but you can't really win with your post. You're bound to get grief...

[CreatureRetorts]

How do you know they have a choice?
And you are lucky!

[scoutfinch1]

It's sometimes not as simple as you make out. I'm in a position where it is highly likely that I will have to go back to work. Not to buy cars, clothes or go on holidays but just to help pay the bills. However, because in my situation if I worked part time I would be left with so little after paying childcare that it hardly seems worth it. However if I worked full time there are substantially better salaries available to me so I would then see a big difference in lifestyle and would then be able to afford holidays and new clothes, but if had the choice I'd stay at home. I do understand that it is frustrating if these women genuinely do have a choice but it might not be as simple as it seems. No matter which way you look at it, yes you are lucky because you do have a choice.

[WhataSook]

oh I said this to a friend recently because I just knew it was what she wanted to hear. She knew i was back FT and she was off on mat leave and rude as you like said she didn't understand why people had babies and then left them with strangers to raise.

I was a bit but then thought fuck it, I would go INSANE being at home all day with DD. Part time would have been lovely but not an option in my job so FT it had to be.

So she thinks she's lucky and I just agreed, in her world she is.

[Pigsmummy]

We are getting a new car because it's a lease car and has to be returned, we are not wasting money, I need a car for work and DH company stipulates that the car has to be less than three years old as he is in call sometimes. I would love not to have to return to work but when baby is 11 months old I am, as we can't afford life otherwise.

Not everything in others people's lives are as simple as you think.

[WhataSook]

PS - when I was on mat leave I thought DH was lucky to go to work! He didn't think so

[dollywashers]

Totally agree. I work part time so I can spend as much time as I can with my girls. People always telling me I'm lucky to be able to do part time. People who choose to live in bigger houses with more expensive cars. I'm happy with my choice. Let them get on with it.

[maddening]

maybe it's just small talk - something to say in a day to day conversation.

don't get wound up by it to the point that you are judging their choices so negatively - and perhaps without knowing or considering the drivers behind those choices.

[KentishWine]

HaveIGotPoosForYou
If they "have" to go back (i.e. don't have enough money) it's not really sensible to have a child if they wont be financially stable

What a bizzare way of thinking. I'm the main earner in our house. DH's wage doesn't cover the rent. I pay that...and the bills. I will "have" to go back to work even though I don't really want to. I'm not alone. Many women "have" to work. And many women make an essential contribution to their household that goes beyond fancy shoes and potpourri.

[Changeasgoodas]

Why not ask them why they class it as luck, if you don't believe it is?

[MacaYoniandCheese]

Throwing a spanner in, I don't think anyone should have children until they can afford to survive on one income. You never know what type of childcare you'll require (if your child has additional needs, for example). All these people who say they have to go to work to 'pay the mortgage'. It's the elephant in the room....babies don't need a three bedroom house to come to. Start small and build your way up the property ladder gradually so you have options when you add to your family. It's not rocket science.

[Arisbottle]

So two people on low wages should not have children?

[MacaYoniandCheese]

Oh...and choose your partner wisely. Another elephant. If we're talking about options .

[CreatureRetorts]

Maca

What so all wimmin should stay at home then?

[NowThatsWhatICallANickname]

The world doesn't work that way anymore. Very few people unless they had a very good well paid job could afford to live off of one wage. The world is a very different place now and it is very naive and patronising to think otherwise.

[MacaYoniandCheese]

You'll notice that I didn't refer to gender .

[Dorange]

just say:
yes I am lucky that I am not hang up in social status and I don't think money buy happiness.