To be sick of people saying they 'have' to go back to work and that I am 'lucky'

[Neverenoughcake]

Sorry this is a bit if a rant but I have to get it off my chest. I've lost count of the number of other Mums I've now met who are complaining about 'having' to go back to work because they can't afford not to, and for them to tell me in the next breath how 'lucky' I am that I haven't had to go back to work.

I am at a loss what to say as I know that for at least 3 of the people who have said this to me lately they have more than 3 nice holidays a year, one has just bought a very expensive new car (there was nothing wrong with her other one) and one always has a new outfit on whenever I see her. I drive a really old car and can't remember the last time I went clothes shopping and have one holiday a year with my family, but thats my choice and i'm happy with it. Don't they get that almost no one has the spare cash just to not go back to work without making some significant changes/sacrifices and it isn't down to luck?? I honestly don't care if people choose to return to work or not, totally up to them and so please don't turn this into a stay at home vs working parent debate! I just really wish people would be honest and say I want to go back to work so I can maintain my current lifestyle, that is just fine. Please help, I want to know what to say to these people when they complain they hate their jobs but have to go and that it's alright for me I'm so lucky. Don't want to be rude to them but I'm getting fed up with hearing the moaning!

[FirstStopCafe]

I would view you as lucky. I'm the main breadwinner and after maternity leave will be returning to work full time. I wouldn't say it to you though. We made the choice to have children now while my dh is training so I knew what the situation would be. Hopefully in the future I will be able to stay at home with the kids when he gets a qualified job. Then I'll feel really lucky.

Oh and I work to pay the mortgage not to buy luxuries.

I appreciate it must be difficult to have people say you're lucky when you feel you're making sacrifices they are not to be able to stay at home, but as others have said you can't really know what their financial situation is.

[AnnieLobeseder]

Some people wish they could SAH but can't, because they need to pay the bills.
Some people wish they could WOH but can't afford the childcare.
Different people are prepared to make different sacrifices to live the option they prefer.
We all do the best we can with what we have.

Luck rarely enters into it.

Judging and evaluating the choices others have made, even by telling them they're "lucky", is rarely going to come across well and makes you sound petty and jealous. You never know what someone has had to give up to live the life they do.

So says Annie.

[worsestershiresauce]

Or how about my good friend who literally cannot afford to go back to work because childcare and public transport costs more than she can earn. She is desperate to get out and work, but does not have the opportunity.

I really feel for her, it's a bit of a catch 22 situation.

[Jinsei]

Yes, it's true that some women don't have the choice to WOH even if they'd like to, so obviously they're not "lucky" to be at home.

FWIW, I don't regard SAH as being a particularly enviable situation, so I wouldn't personally describe anyone as being lucky for being a SAHM. On the other hand, I think anyone is lucky to have a choice about whether to work or not, and that includes both SAHMs and WOHMs.

[JackNoneReacher]

Basically what Annie said.

Many of us on here are lucky to be born in a place that allowed us opportunities. That's luck, just like winning the lottery.

How much we earn and what jobs we have are largely of our own making.

I wouldn't dream of telling my highly paid friend she's 'lucky' to earn so much because I know that luck doesn't come into it.

I would no more dream of telling my SAH friend that she's 'lucky' to be at home because I know the sacrifices they make for this choice.

[Frustratedartist]

I understand where you're coming from OP, and feel the same. I don't get people's need to comment. I don't comment on them working. Each to his own.
I know I'm lucky to be a SAHM, but it brings its own stress and sacrifice and is a full-time occupation even if its not paid.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Another one who is the main breadwinner, I saved up to cover the bills whilst I was on maternity leave but I had to go back. I have a good salary so when I am back in work our lifestyle is comfortable but DH's income wouldn't cover the mortgage.

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

Lucky = Choice IMHO!

So anyone who is living in a way that they don't have the power to change and would like to, that's difficult.

[comingintomyown]

I was fortunate to be at home with my DC and I always got in there first to say so when the wind was blowing in that direction.

[StealthPolarBear]

"HaveIGotPoosForYou Fri 28-Jun-13 16:28:08


It's up to them if they go back. If they "have" to go back (i.e. don't have enough money) it's not really sensible to have a child if they wont be financially stable."

do you say the same to men who "have" to go back when they become a father?

[HappyMummyOfOne]

But you are lucky in many ways so why shouldnt they say it. You have the choice not to work as you have savings and another adult is willing to work so you dont have too.

As for everybody being able to be a SAHP if they make cutbacks, what a load of rubbish. Some salaries dont stretch to cover three people, some people dont want to rely on top up benefits when they could work etc. Those that state that either usually have a high earning partner or are actually being supported by other tax payers.

You are judging your friends but its ok for you to do but not for them to comment.

[MrsLouisTheroux]

You are lucky. If I hadn't gone back to work we wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage and bills let alone buy anything else because my DH's wage wouldn't cover it.
So I went back to work and we can now pay said bills and have some left over which pays for everything else and for my lovely new car

[GreyWhites]

I don't think it's malicious at all, it's just something people say. If it bothers you that your friends don't understand your problems etc, you can always add in a light-hearted way that it's not all fun and games for you.

You say " just really wish people would be honest and say I want to go back to work so I can maintain my current lifestyle, that is just fine." But going back to work for women isn't about "maintaining a lifestyle". It's about planning to be self-supporting for the rest of your life. Many careers don't lend themselves to women being able to take a break of a few years; not to mention the years of lost pension entitlement and loss of future earnings this represents (if you carry on working, you carry on up the earnings/career ladder, meaning your final salary will be far higher than someone who has taken a few years out in the middle of their career).

I can't just stop working, as I will lose the skills and knowledge and contacts I have built up over all these years (I'm self-employed). Also I need to know that if my partner drops dead tomorrow or runs off with someone else, I can support my son as well as myself.

[JackNoneReacher]

And are you lucky to have a lovely new car?

[FederationPresidentBarryFife]

I agree with you completely OP. People must make their own choices based on what's beat for the family but them telling you how 'lucky' you are to be giving up extras so you can stay at home (because you believe it is best for the children) is JUST AS RUDE as you saying to them "you are so lucky to be going back to work and not having to be scrimping". YOu are not being smug - they are feeling guilty and projecting that on to you. They should not FEEL guilty but its just another way that as a mother you are effed if you do and effed if you don't. Ignore.

[MrsLouisTheroux]

Jack Me? Yes, I am lucky and feel very fortunate that we are now in the position whereby after the bills and mortgage are paid ( impossible on DH's wage alone) we have enough left over for luxuries. If I didn't work we would not have a place to live.

[MrsLouisTheroux]

Let alone a lovely new car :)

[NowThatsWhatICallANickname]

How do they know you are lucky when they say it? For all they know you could be one of the thousands of mums out there who would love to work but doing so would take all your money in childcare. I was in that situation and people said I was lucky - you are only lucky if has been a choice to stay at home because it is what you really wanted.

I hated being at home as I really struggled emotionally, didn't have a good network of friends, found most of it mind numbing and somedays wouldn't speak to a soul all day until my dh got home. Play groups used to make me feel worse because I would sit on my own and found it really hard to talk to strangers who were hostile. I remember sometimes going home in tears. I never felt lucky at all and resented it.

[Katnisscupcake]

You are very lucky.

I had to leave my dd with a cm at 4 months old because we had no money left and I was the higher earner. Our mortgage needed paying and renting would have been the same price for a much smaller property so no option to downsize.

We haven't had a holiday since our honeymoon 5 years ago and that was the only holiday in our 10 year relationship.

So you are incredibly lucky...

[JackNoneReacher]

Mrs - sounds like you both work bloody hard and luck doesn't come into it. (other than the real luck that we all hope for for eg good health)

[morethanpotatoprints]

hello OP.

I would just learn a spiel of all the sacrifices you have made, the planning and management of your finances.
I too got fed up with the "You are lucky" comments too.
Failing that you could say "well you too can be lucky, would you like some tips"?
Don't some people get it, that you make your own luck in the world.

[Pinkflipflop]

But you are lucky and surely you must see that?

It's doesn't matter how frugal some people are if they don't have enough money to cover their basic bills, then staying at home isn't an option.

You are very lucky that you can afford to stay at home.

[RoseandVioletCreams]

I agree Op, It annoys me too, some people do really have too or they would be on the streets, some people just want to sustain their lifestyle as you say and when you yourself are really cutting corners its very irksome indeed.

I agree just say - I want to uphold this lifestyle, I do not have to work but I want too.

[RoseandVioletCreams]

NowThatsWhatICallANickname

I found it really hard too and can relate to the play groups it was a hard grind.

[NowThatsWhatICallANickname]

kat to me you would seem lucky because you have a career and you are the higher earner and can go to work to pay the morgage. At the time any job I earned would probably wouldn't have even covered childcare let alone any bills. It is all swings n roundabouts I guess.