To be sick of people saying they 'have' to go back to work and that I am 'lucky'

[Neverenoughcake]

Sorry this is a bit if a rant but I have to get it off my chest. I've lost count of the number of other Mums I've now met who are complaining about 'having' to go back to work because they can't afford not to, and for them to tell me in the next breath how 'lucky' I am that I haven't had to go back to work.

I am at a loss what to say as I know that for at least 3 of the people who have said this to me lately they have more than 3 nice holidays a year, one has just bought a very expensive new car (there was nothing wrong with her other one) and one always has a new outfit on whenever I see her. I drive a really old car and can't remember the last time I went clothes shopping and have one holiday a year with my family, but thats my choice and i'm happy with it. Don't they get that almost no one has the spare cash just to not go back to work without making some significant changes/sacrifices and it isn't down to luck?? I honestly don't care if people choose to return to work or not, totally up to them and so please don't turn this into a stay at home vs working parent debate! I just really wish people would be honest and say I want to go back to work so I can maintain my current lifestyle, that is just fine. Please help, I want to know what to say to these people when they complain they hate their jobs but have to go and that it's alright for me I'm so lucky. Don't want to be rude to them but I'm getting fed up with hearing the moaning!

[TheToysAreALIVEITellThee]

Ahhhh so I just need to work harder and make sacrifices

If only that was the solution

[dufflefluffle]

When I stayed at home I was jealous of those who went back and when I went back I was jealous of those who were at home. There are no easy answers and very few women making either choice are completely happy with that choice all the time.

So true and so sad for us.

[Loopylala7]

The grass is always greener...I don't think you can win whatever you do. I work part time, not through choice I might add and you always get 'you're so lucky to work part time'. My standard answer is 'yes I am, but part time work equals part time pay'. Can't see us affording a single holiday for quite some time. Say to them, 'yes I am lucky to be ASAHM, best job in the world, shame the pays rubbish though! '

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful]

ssim This usually shuts them up and gives them some thinking to do

I think I know what these people are thinking "argh why did I start talking to this angry woman, run away, run away now"

[luxemburgerli]

I find this is the case with lots of situations though, not just WOHM/SAHM debate.

For example my family emigrated. People still in the original place tell me we are lucky to have moved, that they couldn't because (e.g.) they couldn't face leaving their friends/family. In other words, they don't want to emigrate because of the downsides. But they forget that the downsides are the same for you, and just see the nicer side your situation.

Easiest to smile and nod I find. Annoying, but otherwise you just end up starting a fight.

[GoshlyoHeavens]

Haves and rights fuck me right off too.

[Marcheline]

Sorry, the same lines get trotted out. Sure there are other mistakes too

[AThingInYourLife]

"Have you ever thought that maybe the other women don't really give a shit about whether you work or not, they are just trying to have a conversation?"

Maybe they should try having conversations about things other than another family's finances? How's about that for a crazy idea.

Whether a woman works or not is not yet (as much as we might wish it was) an unproblematic topic of conversation.

Telling a woman that being at home with her children is a matter of good luck is reasonably likely to offend.

[Pendulum]

I'm in the same position (job wise) as Jinsei and babyheave.

I think comments such as those made to the OP are often a result of women feeling they have to justify their own positions to each other by reference to their financial circumstances. It's a way of smoothing over the differences in the choices they have made. For instance, I can imagine telling an SAHM that I 'have' to work because i) it's true (see Jinsei's comments) and ii) it avoids the bigger minefield of saying that I love going out to work, am not mad keen on spending whole days with small children etc. If you don't know the person you are talking to well, these are treacherous waters.

Similarly, I wouldn't be surprised if some SAHMs use the (true) fact that they would be losing money if working and paying for childcare as their principal explanation for SAH, instead of telling a WOHM that they love being at home, and can't bear the idea of putting their children into nursery. It's less inflammatory somehow.

On the question of luck, I think I am lucky to have a job that I really enjoy and that pays well. A fair amount of hard work was involved, but it is certainly good luck that I was given a good education and the intellectual ability to make the most of it, and that I got my first job in the graduate boom of the late 90s instead of today. What's wrong with acknowledging good fortune? It shouldn't be a martyrdom contest.

[GoshlyoHeavens]

My mother was complicated towards me.

[GoshlyoHeavens]

My mother poured her life into her children and we ended up realising she was fucked up. My brothers had kids and I ended up knowing I want nothing to do with breeding. I yearn for a baby to hold but cannot.

[Marcheline]

Where I am, women often talk about working/not working/what on earth they're going to do.

I wouldn't see it as a direct comment on a family's finances but obviously it's not a great topic of conversation.

Trouble is, after a year of PND and hardly getting out of the house after having DD1, I had zero confidence and found talking to new people really, really hard. Going back to work was a bit like part if my recovery and tbh, I would talk about it as I didn't know what else to say.

So, if someone says something to me that I could get annoyed about but seems to have been said with a hopeful smile and friendliness, I try to have a bit of empathy and assume that they just want to strike up a conversation and don't mean any harm.

This obviously doesn't apply if you have known someone all your life and they are being snooty, but as a general rule of thumb, surely cutting people a bit of slack can't be a terrible thing?

[HaveIGotPoosForYou]

It's up to them if they go back. If they "have" to go back (i.e. don't have enough money) it's not really sensible to have a child if they wont be financially stable. However if they want to go back to work or feel like it's best for them that's fair enough, but then why complain about it?

We all have a different family dynamic and we do what is best for our individual family.

[nenevomito]

SsimTee - are you one of the four yorkshiremen by any chance?

[ArbitraryUsername]

That's very judgmental. You can be perfectly financially stable and able to support a child and have to go back to work. Some women are the main earners in their household. It is actually ok to not stay at home, and it doesn't mean you couldn't afford to have a child.

[ArbitraryUsername]

Actually that kind of attitude is very annoying. Would anyone seriously post something about how a couple couldn't really afford to have a baby if the father had to return to work?

[FasterStronger]

looking to take offence or what?!?

I frequently get told I am lucky because of x, y or z.
the person is just making chit chat.
it does not need any deep analysis.
its just slightly lame complement.

[cakebar]

I know what you mean OP, if I am feeling in an arsey mood I call them on it by taking what they are saying at face value e.g. 'Oh I wonder if there is any way around it, have you thought about down sizing or moving to x, y or Z area, or getting by with one car? It's perfectly doable as you have the time to walk everywhere when you a SAHM?'. They normally look horrified .

[cakebar]

They do it because they don't want to confess that they actually want to ditch the kids and be a 'normal' person again and have nice stuff, they think you will look down on them as you made a different choice. When actually saying that means I don't respect them, just say that you like working!

[AThingInYourLife]

Marcheline - sorry to hear you had such a bad time with PND.

I didn't have PND, but still found returning to work a big part of restoring myself post-first baby. It knocked me sideways.

And yes, cutting people slack is almost always the right thing :)

It's SUCH a touchy subject though. People hear judgement where there is none meant and say things that seem innocent but turn out to be massively hurtful.

Pendulum, I think you have it right that there is a tendency to try to make our choices seem as inoffensive as possible.

I really hope that one day (soon) this will not be contentious at all.

[Jinsei]

Some women are the main earners in their household.

On reflection, I think this is possibly the point that the OP is missing. It's possible to SAH if your partner earns enough to cover the basics. If not, then it doesn't matter how many sacrifices you might be prepared to make - it simply isn't an option.

It isn't always an option to go part-time either. This wouldn't have been an option in my current role, for example.

It's quite narrow-minded to assume that everyone's circumstances are the same as your own.

Having said that, I'm sure that there are plenty of WOHMs who could stay at home if they were prepared to make some sacrifices. Just as there are probably plenty of SAHMs who moan about having no disposable cash.

[Owllady]

I do understand where the OP is coming from as I get it as well and I care for my severely disabled daughter

[5Foot5]

But money isn't the only reason why someone might have to go back to work. In many careers if you take any significant time out you would slip so far back that it would be difficult to return.

I took 10 months when I had DD and even after that time there were developments that I had missed out on that I had to work hard to catch up with. At the time we could have afforded for me to be a SAHM but if I had stayed at home until she started school, say, there is no way in the world I would have been able to return to a similar post at the same level.

[Marcheline]

AThing thanks :) I've just had DD2 and I'm sure that the fact that I'm going back to work soon has been a big part of why I haven't suffered at all this time.

I think that the media has a huge part to play in all of this. Women's choices are scrutinised on a daily basis, whether it be a celebrity going back to work, or a new study that 'proves' working mums are XYZ, or another lifestyle article about having it all and starting your own jam making business from your shed using salvaged equipment and foraged fruit....

I have a feeling that it's because the media is very male dominated and it's another way to suppress women - if we're too busy fighting amongst ourselves about our personal choices, we won't have time to fight for harsher sentences for rapists / abortion rights / equal pay / tryin to stop our daughters from being actualised before they turn 13 etc etc.

Maybe that's just me.