To be sick of people saying they 'have' to go back to work and that I am 'lucky'

[Neverenoughcake]

Sorry this is a bit if a rant but I have to get it off my chest. I've lost count of the number of other Mums I've now met who are complaining about 'having' to go back to work because they can't afford not to, and for them to tell me in the next breath how 'lucky' I am that I haven't had to go back to work.

I am at a loss what to say as I know that for at least 3 of the people who have said this to me lately they have more than 3 nice holidays a year, one has just bought a very expensive new car (there was nothing wrong with her other one) and one always has a new outfit on whenever I see her. I drive a really old car and can't remember the last time I went clothes shopping and have one holiday a year with my family, but thats my choice and i'm happy with it. Don't they get that almost no one has the spare cash just to not go back to work without making some significant changes/sacrifices and it isn't down to luck?? I honestly don't care if people choose to return to work or not, totally up to them and so please don't turn this into a stay at home vs working parent debate! I just really wish people would be honest and say I want to go back to work so I can maintain my current lifestyle, that is just fine. Please help, I want to know what to say to these people when they complain they hate their jobs but have to go and that it's alright for me I'm so lucky. Don't want to be rude to them but I'm getting fed up with hearing the moaning!

[RoseandVioletCreams]

Marcheline

I think your spot on its just conversation and the other poster who said people are toning down their feelings for the sake of harmony.

Its a weird situation we find ourselves in, cut adrift with DC with people we do not know.

[MrsLyman]

Btw, it's easy to be smug about life being a choice when you are in the position to make choices, but for many people life really isn't that straightforward.

[JassyRadlett]

Maca, and what of the huge numbers of people for whom that single-income option will never be a realistic one due to geography, relative income distribution or a multitude of other factors? Should they just never have children, or actively plan to go on benefits? I'm not sure I want to live in that world, where only the well-off are allowed to have children.

[Laquitar]

It is a British thing

'You have a nice life' - 'Oh no, my life is rubbish, yours is better'
'I like your top' - 'This? Its rubbish, i only bought it because the other one was 15 years old and i had to buy a new one'.

I dont think its malicious. Maybe its a fear of apearing smug. Also,since the reccession started i think many people who have money and buy things feel uncomfortable and embarrassed.

[nooka]

I think that the OP probably needs to start spending time with people/mums who have the same values she does and then this will cease to be an issue.

My anti-natal group virtually all stayed at home after they had their children. They were all married to fairly well to do fellows and it was important to them. Great they were fortunate to have the life they wanted.

I on the other hand never intended to stay at home and couldn't wait to go back to work. I'm just not that keen on babies/toddlers and I'm ambitious.

Because of where they were coming from I got a fair amount of pity, and when one of them had to go back to work for a while when her dh was unwell I got lots of confiding 'isn't it terrible' comments. Which was irritating, although I was sympathetic that she wsn't happy.

However my post-natal group were all working mums (mostly part time) and the subject just never came up. We talked about how juggling was tricky, but as working was a choice they made it just wasn't an issue. some worked because of financial constraints, but most because it was something they had trained to do and really enjoyed. We were all fortunate in balancing our lives the way we wanted to.

[DontmindifIdo]

Also re the "lucky" comments for part time working, often that is luck - I know I was lucky to have an employer who'd allow part time while still paying a decent hourly rate. IME, most of my friend ms who were refused part time by their employer on returning from mat leave have struggled to find part time work paying anywhere near the hourly rates they were earning before. For most professional jobs, you either take am existing job part time or accept a massive wage cut, or stayed full time. I know 3 woman who've said they could afford to go part time but their employer says no, they can't afford to earn nothing. There is an element of luck in that.

[MeMyHusbandAndTheRoofer]

I think that if anybody was frugal enough they could afford to cover basic needs and have luxuries.
It might not be what they want to do or the lifestyle they would choose. However, the choice is there.
If you don't earn enough/ even the min wage then you are awarded tax credits, soon to be UC and cb.
Of course it is possible.

How patronising of you to assume you know everything about EVERYONE's finances!

Perhaps you would like to read my post further up thread and then tell me how I can become more frugal and save the deficit of £600 per month between my DH's income and our outgoings?! Oh, I know - maybe I could save £300 per month by us not eating! Maybe I could dump my dog at a dog's home to save £50 per month. Maybe I could cancel our tv and Internet which would save £20 per month.

Well that's a dog dumped and me, my DH and our (as yet unborn) child with not a single thing to eat but we still have a deficit of £230!

And we're not eligible for tax credits on my DH's wage.

I really i am amazed that you would make such a sweeping statement about everyone's financial situation

[nkf]

Oh, let it go. It's just talk. People just fill the space with stuff. You're lucky. You look nice. Your kids are great. Where did you buy that shirt? Are you going on holiday this year? It's just talk.

[Snog]

If you feel that a woman with a new car and 3 annual holidays could be a SAHM and that her comments are disingenuous why not ask her what she would have to give up to be a SAHM? You might be surprised by the answer.
The only way I could be SAHM is to move to a cheaper area a long way away with less employment, involving moving my dd from her school, at which point my dp would not find a job in the same field and would be paid much less such that we would struggle a lot financially.
As it is we have a high disposable income but there is no middle ground for us. That doesn't mean having both parents work full time is easy.
And this is even apart from financial independence that is so crucial for many women.

[DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper]

Well I'm a WOHM by choice, and it is because we want a certain lifestyle so I don't think anyone - male or female - is 'lucky' per se, to stay at home. Simply because as much as I think it is a Good Thing To Do, I personally find it mind-numbing (ashamed to admit it, and totally respect those who do it and don't find it so).

But surely the best response is simply to hold the mirror up at them, and say, 'yes, I am lucky, aren't I?!'

It's bound to take the wind out of that sort's sails. :)

[Elquota]

YANBU. Just ignore the barbed and envious remarks. People have no idea of other people's circumstances, so they shouldn't be so quick to label them "lucky".

Some people can't find a job that pays enough to cover the childcare. Others may have health reasons for being off work that they don't wish to discuss. It really is no-one else's business.

I have a feeling that it's because the media is very male dominated and it's another way to suppress women - if we're too busy fighting amongst ourselves about our personal choices, we won't have time to fight for harsher sentences for rapists / abortion rights / equal pay / tryin to stop our daughters from being actualised before they turn 13 etc etc.

Marcheline that's a fascinating point.

[BlackeyedSusan]

don, don't be ashamed of your personality. some people love to be at home with children, some don't. people can say negative things about each choice.

it annoys me a little when people say they have no choice to work... when their lifestyle clearly shows they do have a choice. (some do, probably most don't) If they do seem to have aa choice, I point out tht they could live in flat like we do, rather thn their suburban laargeish house. usually shuts them up.

[RubySparks]

My lifestyle probably looks as if I have a choice to work... I don't. I am main wage earner, DH works very part time due to chronic progressive neurological disorder. No one knows everyone's problems, financial or otherwise.

[midnightinmoscow]

Thing is having no choice might not just be about the money you earn in the here and now.

I feel that I have no choice but to work because of the following ;

Could never let DH shoulder the responsibility of being the main breadwinner. What if he lost his job?

If I take a career break I would never get to return at the level I am now. So would be taking a massive pay cut and drop in prospects.

Moreover, I just cannot get my head around not earning my own money. Withiny own personal values, there is no choice but to do this.

However, I don't think people are 'lucky' to stay at home. Merely, they have different priorities and concerns for the future.

[Arisbottle]

I really don't get the aversion to being called lucky on MN.

I am lucky to have a career I enjoy,

I am lucky to have four healthy children and asters in stepson I adore.

I am lucky to have a husband who earns a wage that gives us a good standard if living.

I could go on, why do MNers have to make everything seem to be the resut of endless blood sweat and tears?

[Shitsinger]

Another one here with an ill DH - its not always as obvious as it seems to the outside.
If I give up work - easily doable and his illness progresses then we will be stuffed.
All the recent threads about this sound like sour grapes- best to live your own life and not fret what others think, do or how much they earn !

[hobnobsaremyfavourite]

do you know what these sahm v wohm seem to be a bit of weekend sport for some.

[exoticfruits]

I stayed at home- I know I was lucky. However I don't think that most even mean it- they make conversation.

[TwasBrillig]

We can't afford for me to return to work.

I an quite envious of local friends with parents who help or who have much higher paying, flexible jobs that allow them to attend school functions, take time off when children sick or afford a nanny.

Sometimes I feel lucky that circumstances have forced the current situation in that I do really love spending the time with my children. I don't love that we live on an ex council estate, that our house isn't large enough to entertain as we would like etc. I'd quite like to have the extra income but can't currently see a way to make it work.

I do see those on high incomes that say they don't have a choice and think that they kind of do. Money brings choice.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

It's probably a simple explanation. In my own case, I cut out all luxuries so I could stay at home for 3 yrs while both mine were little. During that time our overdraft was going up bit by bit as even without any luxuries then we STILL couldn't afford to pay all the bills comfortably, quite obviously. That when I got a job of 6 hrs a week which at least helped bring our overdraft right down and stopped us worrying that things were getting out of hand. Luxuries were still off the cards though. When ds2 started school I increased my hours as i didnt see any point being at home all day with both children at school. So now bills are paid no problem BUT now there is also money LEFT OVER for luxuries like meals out and holidays etc.

So what im saying is that we couldnt really live on DH's wage only. Our situation now is that with me workinf as well, bills are covered but we have spare money which you would class as a luxury and yes, i would agree. BUT.....I was lucky in that I had the choice to increase my hours gradually as I wanted, but I think you'll find most women do not have this choice - if they want to have bills covered, they can't afford to leave the job they had before they had their baby as there aren't the jobs out there to pick and choose part-time hours anymore. So they take a year off, go back to work to ensure bills are covered but the hours they end up having to work may mean that (if they are lucky and don't have massive Childcare bills) then there is money left over at the end of the month to spend on nice things.

Why do these women deserve you sneering at them and posting on forums like this? Maybe if you stop to think exactly how their financial situation MIGHT be for them you might have an explanation for their so-called lifestyle choice.

[TwasBrillig]

Yup exotic - I think its conversation.

[exoticfruits]

If you said they had to stay at home they would probably be horrified!

[chocoluvva]

I know what you mean OP: I chose to be a SAHM knowing it would mean we wouldn't be able to afford lots of things that other people don't consider to be luxuries. But I would never ever say to them that they're lucky to be able to afford holidays abroad etc or complain about the things I can't afford. I often get the impression that people consider me to be quite lazy! And I know and often comment that I'm lucky, knowing that people will assume we have more money than we have.


As for those people who complain about the hassle they're having getting their perfect holiday organised.....

Or how their children are too busy - well, cut back on some of their after-school activities then!

[Shitsinger]

People complain about lots of things though choco sometimes they are just having a bit of a vent - its nothing personal !