To be sick of people saying they 'have' to go back to work and that I am 'lucky'

[Neverenoughcake]

Sorry this is a bit if a rant but I have to get it off my chest. I've lost count of the number of other Mums I've now met who are complaining about 'having' to go back to work because they can't afford not to, and for them to tell me in the next breath how 'lucky' I am that I haven't had to go back to work.

I am at a loss what to say as I know that for at least 3 of the people who have said this to me lately they have more than 3 nice holidays a year, one has just bought a very expensive new car (there was nothing wrong with her other one) and one always has a new outfit on whenever I see her. I drive a really old car and can't remember the last time I went clothes shopping and have one holiday a year with my family, but thats my choice and i'm happy with it. Don't they get that almost no one has the spare cash just to not go back to work without making some significant changes/sacrifices and it isn't down to luck?? I honestly don't care if people choose to return to work or not, totally up to them and so please don't turn this into a stay at home vs working parent debate! I just really wish people would be honest and say I want to go back to work so I can maintain my current lifestyle, that is just fine. Please help, I want to know what to say to these people when they complain they hate their jobs but have to go and that it's alright for me I'm so lucky. Don't want to be rude to them but I'm getting fed up with hearing the moaning!

[Jinsei]

Oh...and choose your partner wisely. Another elephant. If we're talking about options

Oh, I did. Having worked hard to be financially independent, I didn't have to worry about materialistic concerns when I was choosing a life partner. Shame some people have to think about this.

[sleepdodger]

I should know better than get drawn into this but ...
I earn alot
If I give up we can't pay the mortgage
If I work we're very comfortable
There is no inbetween- no pt and no if I 'just' do something else I can't pay childcare
So
We are that weird multi holiday family that cant give up work...
As you were

[KentishWine]

Maca my partner is not wealthy, in fact he earns a pittance. But he's the best person I know, I love him lots, and would not want to be with anyone else. Did I choose wisely?

[CreatureRetorts]

Yes but that's the undercurrent because women take time off after having the child.

It's all very well saying we should live on one wage bit that's the world we live in. The cost of living is mental.

[MacaYoniandCheese]

Materialistic concerns? Like whether or not the person you choose to spend your life/have a family with agrees that having a parent at home is a priority? AND is clever, hardworking, ambitious, well-educated? You did say upthread that you have to work to pay the mortgage, so that doesn't really give you a lot of options in that regard, does it?

[racmun]

I'm a SAHM and I gave up a well paid job to raise ds.
I know a mix of people some who've gone back ft, pt or like me stayed off.

Tbh I get a bit embarrassed when friends say I'm lucky being off - not annoyed though. i really don't want to sound smug but I had the choice to give up work and I think fundamentally having choices makes you happy.

Some people regardless of how many penny's they watch would be unable to make ends meet on just one salary- if you can choose to watch the penny's and choose to not go back (if that's what you want) then you are lucky IMO.

For most people Choosing to not buy a few new tops etc won'tale enough of a difference to be able to not work.

Monetary matters are best left unmentioned between friends as before you know it someone will end up feeling resentful.


Op I wouldn't get annoyed if you're happy with your choice that should be enough.

[MacaYoniandCheese]

Kentish...I can't answer that. Do you have children? Could you have afforded to support your family if one of your children required round-the-clock care? Love is all very well and good but...you know...it doesn't pay the bills and all that. I think it's just as important for young people to think about the family they might one day have and what that will look like (as well as love a person dearly, of course) AND think about educational and career prospects.

[yamsareyammy]

op, if these people are your friends, didnt they know your plans anyway?

[lola88]

I get what you mean I took 12 months maternity and was told by my friend that I was so lucky I could afford it when she could to as she does what I do and her partner makes the same as mine, the difference was we cancelled all luxuries like sky tv and nights out to take those 3 unpaid months but she didn't want to do that and also they have a car each.

I wasn't lucky I just chose to cut back she chose not to there is no luck involved just different decisions. I do work now 12 hours a week and have been told how lucky I am being able to do that but the people who have told me i'm lucky have bought houses, cars and holiday

[whiteandyellowiris]

anyone that has a choice is lucky imo

regardless what they do

[Jinsei]

Materialistic concerns? Like whether or not the person you choose to spend your life/have a family with agrees that having a parent at home is a priority? AND is clever, hardworking, ambitious, well-educated? You did say upthread that you have to work to pay the mortgage, so that doesn't really give you a lot of options in that regard, does it?

I also said upthread that I would choose to work anyway and that I don't regard SAHMs as being particularly lucky. But then I wouldn't, as I saw how much my own mum regretted it later in life.

I do think it's important that partners agree on whether or not it's important to have one parent stay at home. Fortunately, DH and I are both of the view that having a parent at home wouldn't be of much benefit to our family, and that it is more important for both parents to have a fulfilling life outside the home as well as in it. DH did SAH for a year when we moved house and we felt that dd needed some stability, but we agreed that there was no real benefit in this situation continuing after she starred school.

As for clever, well-educated, hardworking and ambitious, yes all of those were hugely important to me, as were shared values and moral priorities. Earning power, on the other hand, was not something that I had to think about, and I would pity anyone who had to choose a life partner on this basis.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Maca
We can manage on one income providing the income is mine ( I earn over 5x more than DH ). So I had to go back.

[MacaYoniandCheese]

...just as I would pity anyone who had to work to pay the mortgage and tried to justify it as a lifestyle choice. Nice try.

[MacaYoniandCheese]

That's AWESOME Chaz. Go Female Breadwinners and SAHDs (or Moms...shouldn't assume you are heterosexual) .

[MacaYoniandCheese]

...sorry . You did say DH not DP .

[candyandyoga]

Yanbu. Just say, 'well, I have sacrificed a LOT to stay at home actually...'

Reply in the same tone as them!

[JassyRadlett]

Maca, thanks awfully for the financial advice. As it happens, I've managed to get a three-bed house on a lower mortgage than my old two-bed flat, which in turn we negotiated so it cost less than our previous rent. So you might want to revisit your assumption that women who have to go back to work haven't planned their finances responsibly.

Equally, the veiled inferences on this thread that less affluent people (couldn't manage on a single income - and there are many reasons this may be the case) shouldn't have children are frankly disgusting.

The point here is that the choice, if it exists, doesn't always fall to the woman. In my case, like many others here I'm the main breadwinner. We could just about afford for DH to stay home. It would be tough, but we could do it.

As it happens, he doesn't want to. I'd very much like to take an extra year or two off, but that is not a choice that's open to me.

So yes, I am envious of those who have a choice. And I do think you're quite lucky to have that choice, OP - the same way as my husband is lucky to have the same choice.

[MrsLyman]

We already did this thread earlier this week. Is it bash women for daring to earn enough money to do more than pay for the basic necessities in life week or something?

In summary, the vast majority women need to work to pay the bills, sometimes they have the audacity to earn more than is needed to pay the bills, they then spend this money as they see fit. Just because your particular circumstances mean that you are able to balance your finances in a way that enables you to stay at home doesn't mean that everyone else can. Not everyone can structure their work in a way which allows for them to work part-time and earn just 'enough'. Some women have partners, who earn less than them making them the main income providers in their household.

[DoJo]

Well, I work from home and arrange my life so I don't need child care, so have the beset of both worlds and consider myself hugely lucky. I think what most people mean is that they process of returning to work is a huge emotional upheaval - not only do you have to deal with being separated from your baby after a year of being with them pretty much 24/7, but you then have the stress of returning to a workplace where things have changed, you are familiar but not, you might have to deal with things which have been overlooked in your absence etc etc. I mostly consider myself lucky not to have to face all that, which is a big deal even if you are thrilled to be returning to work.

[diplodocus]

I must live in the most glorious parallel universe. I went back to work PT when DD1 was 8 months and no-one questioned my decision or made snide moments. In fact I've never had either overt or covert criticism of my career / motherhood choices (I'm now F/T sole breadwinner so it's a good job I did keep up my career). I really think this SAH / WOH debate is something that's far more an online issue than in real life - or maybe I just choose my friends and aquaintances well?

[MrsLyman]

Also maybe they don't even mean aren't you lucky because you are prepared to make financial sacrifices. We could easily afford for me to be a SAHM, I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to be so though. However, sometimes in the midst of the stress of trying to juggle my PhD, teaching, childcare around DH's long hours I do envy those that are happy with the choice to stay at home. I know our family life would be much more straightforward if I did, I'm just not prepared to sacrifice my ambition.

[bugsybill]

Yes yanbu.

I don't understand why this comment/sentiment has become socially acceptable. They have no idea about my family's finances/plans/sacrifices and I have no idea about theirs.

BUT I don't make little comments about how they are lucky to be able to keep working. So why do they get to comment on how I am so '"lucky".

These comments (from both sides) should become off limits and socially unacceptable.

People do what they do because they choose it. Live by your decision and don't complain or make others feel bad because of it. If you don't like your choice take action to change it.

Also the comment about not affording their mortgage, this situation can be changed if they really want to change it, so going to work to afford your mortgage is still a choice. Even affording your rent is still a choice as you can choose cheaper housing, you might not like your options but they are still open to you to choose from.

[MacaYoniandCheese]

Jessy I actually said don't have a family until you can afford to on one income, which is responsible in many aspects, not just financially. Doesn't matter if it's rent, mortgage or what-have-you as long as you are paying the bills, keeping a roof over your heads and taking care of your family. Trying to get the best housing bang-for-your-buck is very shrewd and sensible in that regard...who could possibly argue that?

[bugsybill]

And fwiw I would prefer to go back to work but have chosen not to as the childcare options open to us are not good enough for our dc (Ill go back to work once they are 3 and they will start full time nursery then) but we have downsized to a smaller flat to be able to live off dh income in the meantime.

[Jinsei]

...just as I would pity anyone who had to work to pay the mortgage and tried to justify it as a lifestyle choice. Nice try.

Oh, I don't have to try. :)

But I'm assuming that you pity all the partners of SAHPs then, as they too have to work to pay the mortgage too?

As I said earlier, we could afford for DH to stay at home if he wanted to, but like me, he wouldn't find it fulfilling and we don't think there would be any benefit to us as a family.
If others choose to do things differently, that's fair enough, but I'm still a bit at the suggestion that you should marry someone with money just so that you can SAH. Not a recipe for happiness in my book, but each to her own.