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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to strangle DD (16). She insisted she did not want to go to her school Prom until today - the day of the prom!

663 replies

Lionessy · 27/06/2013 14:09

As her circle of friends had decided they did not want to go, she decided she did not want to either. Was not cool apparently Hmm and they did not have a dates (probably because all the boys are scared of them!).

I went ahead a bought her ticket anyway as I hoped she would come to her senses. What teenage girl would'nt want to dress up in a beautiful dress, glam up and go out to a country mansion for a posh dinner and disco with all their school friends huh?

This morning, after leavers assembly at 10.15am, she finally caves in and wants to go Angry. Cue me rushing around all morning like a blue arsed fly getting a spray tan organised, nails, buying the ruddy dress (luckily we hit the jackpot and found a gorgeous one), underwear, jewellery etc.

I am now knackered and want to go back to bed. Luckily DH has the day off (told him to book it off in case she changed her mind) so he can drive her to the venue an hour away. Everyone else of course, is going in a limo. DD will have to arrive in our old jalopy as she told the girls booking transport she was not going! She has just had a tantrum as to why we can't find her a limo at a few hours notice Hmm.

AIBU to want to strangle her?

One of her friends, who also was not going, has also now decided to go so her mum has had to get onto to the school as she was in tears about it, begging them to get her a ticket! Another friend (the ring leader, who decided not to go) was also upset about not when we just bumped into her in town as she now sees that she's made a mistake.

OP posts:
SpringtimeForHitler · 27/06/2013 16:11

They might not have had spray tans in the 90s but I still went out with a PVC boob tube and mini skirt, I thought I looked fucking fabulous. Grin

Sleep404 · 27/06/2013 16:14

I'm sorry but if this is normal behaviour then there are an awful lot of spoilt, over indulged 16 yr olds out there.
At that age, I would never have the audacity to change my mind last minute, especially if I knew I didn't have a dress. I would never have put my mum through that. I was never that selfish or rude.

If I was desperate to go, I would have convinced my mum by insisting I already had a dress good enough, would have sorted out a ticket and transport and would have pleaded that she wouldn't have to do anything in order for me to go.

The fact that your dd threw a tantrum after everything you did suggests she doesn't recognise how much effort you went to. For what it's worth, I don't think this is normal behaviour. Lots of 16 yr olds would think this was taking the mick.

shallweshop · 27/06/2013 16:14

Those of you up in arms about a spray tan - Did none of you ever sunbathe as teenagers and enjoy having a bit of a tan? These days the only safe tan is a fake one (and with this bloody weather the only option anyway).

Ashoething · 27/06/2013 16:14

I hope your dd enjoys the prom op-Im sure you will.

GoIntoBusinessWithAGrizzlyBear · 27/06/2013 16:15

yanbu init,

y she do dat 4 yo

notafan0fy00 · 27/06/2013 16:15

I think it was kind to buy her a ticket in case she changed her mind, I really do.

I think it was kind to go and buy a dress with her, and the underwear to go with the dress - and to get her nails done. If she's going to go, she may as well look nice. The fake tan thing is vile for a child and she'd have been on her own with that one if it were me, but that's your choice.

It's just a pity that she had to do the teenage thing and step all over your kindness with her bratty behaviour about the car - that's the time to do some pretty serious reminding about gratitude.

FWIW I loathe the prom culture and everything that goes with it and think it's horrible that we've allowed it to take hold here.

BellaVita · 27/06/2013 16:16

I would be rushing around too if she were mine.

DS16 - his is next week. He doesn't want to go Sad. He does have a suit so that wouldn't be a problem if he changed his mind. I so wish he would but he won't .

You are a lovely mum OP.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/06/2013 16:17

I am so on the fence here.

I remember how I'd take stuff out on my mum, but I also agree with Ehric. Outright rude ingratitude suggest she's got away with this before.

I will prepare to eat my words in a couple of years though ..

meddie · 27/06/2013 16:17

If my DD had pulled that stunt at 16 she would have been sitting at home imagining what a great time her friends were having. Not having a hissy fit because I hadnt managed to get her a Limo last minute.
Great believer in children learning to realise there are consequences to decisions. both mine are adults now and neither of them hate me.
Why are parents scared to say No to their kids.

IloveJudgeJudy · 27/06/2013 16:18

OP, it's up to you, of course, but I would not have done this. I have done other things, such as drive DC to school when I had already said it would be the last time, the previous time; I have got them out of bed when I said they should be self-reliant, but I definitely, definitely would not have done all the running around. I would have asked DD if she wanted to go probably 10 times. If she said, No, I would have believed her and would not have got her a ticket. If she then decided she did want to go, I would have helped her as much as I could, but with advice of what to do. I would not have run around for her; she would have had to do that herself.

I have 3 teenage DCs. DS1 did not want to go to the Y11 prom, so didn't go (I don't even know if it took place that year). He is going to the Y13 one, so has bought his ticket. We have to get him a suit as he already buys most of his clothes himself and passes them on to DS2 so it's only fair. I have not organised anything for him. It's up to him, now.

The thing with the limo would have been a very last straw for me. Actually, DC wouldn't have done that, as they know that I would not be spoken to like that.

thebody · 27/06/2013 16:18

I have had a spray tan! So fuckin what!

How funny to be so judgmental and how nasty to bring gypsy wedding into it.

Wonder how many would sneer at Indian hand painting in the same way?

pommedechocolat · 27/06/2013 16:19

why is she having a spray tan??? at 16!!! weird.

EliotNess · 27/06/2013 16:19

ooh THATS a god point the body

BellaVita · 27/06/2013 16:20

BOF Shock your lovely DD couldn't get her eyelashes to stay glued down Shock, well to be fair I can see why she cried, I have the same problems myself with the bastards Grin

xylem8 · 27/06/2013 16:20

I bet mums in the 80s weren't too chuffed with the shit perms and blue eyeshadow.

...yes but they weren't rushing round organising our perms and buying our blue eyeshadowp for us though, were they?.

larrygrylls · 27/06/2013 16:21

I have to say, I don't get this "Prom" thing. Fake nails, spray tan, limo...it does sound like something out of Towie. I don't have teenagers but there is no way that, when my two reach that age, I am going to subscribe to this Prom mythology. If they have a "Prom" (and I sincerely hope they don't), they will have to save up for the tickets and organise themselves for it. Of course, I may make paid work available and help them if asked, but they really ought to feel that going to an overflashy school disco is not some kind of right and, if it is expensive, they have to choose to prioritise it over other things that they may covet.

I know that, as a parent of small boys, there are many things that I do that I said I would never do. However, at least I know it and realise my errors and try to correct them over time. I am sure I will make mistakes when they are teens, too.

However, what does it say about parental values when a parent is vicariously pushing a 16 year old to go to a party. And where they are doing all the organisation, to boot. Surely parenting of children of all ages is about modelling behaviour and allowing our children as much age-appropriate responsibility as possible. Life is about making choices and dealing with the consequences. At 16, a choice about going to a party should be delegated to the person themselves and parents should not spend money on the off chance that the child might change their mind. To be rushing around like Cinderella to beautify one's daughter is sending so many wrong signals about life values, it is not surprising that many teenagers feel entitled and value hedonism and appearance above other things.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/06/2013 16:21

xylem

No they bloody well weren't. I would have had to deal with this myself

mrsjay · 27/06/2013 16:22

I don't think this is normal behaviour. Lots of 16 yr olds would think this was taking the mick.

dont think it is normal behaviour either i wouldnt be allowed to act like that at 16 and my dds wouldnt throw that kind of behaviour either,

IloveJudgeJudy · 27/06/2013 16:22

Yes, I agree. It's all the rushing around after your DC, doing everything for them. That mostly doesn't happen here. Here, if you do/don't do something, you have to suffer the consequences. i will advise you as best I can, but it's up to you.

EliotNess · 27/06/2013 16:22

lol at larry send them up a chimney too

EldritchCleavage · 27/06/2013 16:23

I do get being excited about the prom. My niece was about hers recently. And I'm not judging the spray tan and nails so much as a bit worried by it.

I just have qualms about the way appearance has become more, not less central and what is expected to be part of getting ready grows ever more onerous and expensive for girls (manicures, tans, hair extensions, false eyelashes etc etc, none of which any 16 year old would even have countenanced in my day, many eons ago). We certainly loved dolling ourselves up, but as I get older and more feminist I have mixed feelings about that. It came with a lot of pressure and anxiety attached.

I don't suppose the boys will be going to anywhere near as much effort and will enjoy the prom just as much. I wish girls had that kind of freedom from appearance-related expectations, that's all.

mrsjay · 27/06/2013 16:23

again what are people going on about fake tan for like it is CRACK or something Confused My own dds are not into it but 1 is quite dark anyway and the other is pale and interesting but fgs she is 16 not 6 and she is going on a night out jeez

Ashoething · 27/06/2013 16:26

I am failing to see the connection between spray tans and indian hand painting? can someone enlighten me please? seriously I didn't realise that spray tans had a cultural significance but am prepared to stand corrected.

EliotNess · 27/06/2013 16:26

Maybe if it were a grammar school prom it would be ok

they arent ALL fake tanned or wearing false nails - most of them look utterly beautiful.
You forget that lovely sheen young skin has

#gimmer

middleagedspread · 27/06/2013 16:26

Don't forgot these 16 year olds have just spent the last 6 months revising for GCSEs. It's a time for them to have some fun with their school mates, many of whom will be leaving.
The Prom, for many, is a right of passage. It's highly anticipated & the subject of much discussion.
I'd love to know how many of you criticisers have actually been through this with your teens yet?

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