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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to strangle DD (16). She insisted she did not want to go to her school Prom until today - the day of the prom!

663 replies

Lionessy · 27/06/2013 14:09

As her circle of friends had decided they did not want to go, she decided she did not want to either. Was not cool apparently Hmm and they did not have a dates (probably because all the boys are scared of them!).

I went ahead a bought her ticket anyway as I hoped she would come to her senses. What teenage girl would'nt want to dress up in a beautiful dress, glam up and go out to a country mansion for a posh dinner and disco with all their school friends huh?

This morning, after leavers assembly at 10.15am, she finally caves in and wants to go Angry. Cue me rushing around all morning like a blue arsed fly getting a spray tan organised, nails, buying the ruddy dress (luckily we hit the jackpot and found a gorgeous one), underwear, jewellery etc.

I am now knackered and want to go back to bed. Luckily DH has the day off (told him to book it off in case she changed her mind) so he can drive her to the venue an hour away. Everyone else of course, is going in a limo. DD will have to arrive in our old jalopy as she told the girls booking transport she was not going! She has just had a tantrum as to why we can't find her a limo at a few hours notice Hmm.

AIBU to want to strangle her?

One of her friends, who also was not going, has also now decided to go so her mum has had to get onto to the school as she was in tears about it, begging them to get her a ticket! Another friend (the ring leader, who decided not to go) was also upset about not when we just bumped into her in town as she now sees that she's made a mistake.

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 27/06/2013 21:48

Yeah but Kizz that's the point where you activate the Graham Norton ejector chair Grin

MrsPnut · 27/06/2013 21:49

I'd have done exactly what OP has done. I think it was a great piece of parenting and I have a 16 YO girl.
Her prom is in 2 weeks and we have had the drama of it for months (I'd almost quite like to only have one day of it). I've bought the dress, she bought the shoes, I've paid for her share of the transport, she's organised her spray tan, nails, hair and make up out of her wages.

xylem8 · 27/06/2013 21:51

Yes I am agreeing with you kizzit!!

Original poster
Lionessy · 27/06/2013 21:51

EugenesAxe What a horrid post. Shallow because I bought my DD a strapless bra (due to the dress design) and comfy, 'pull in belly' pants, OK then.

DD looked stunning btw. She was very nervous but also extremely happy. I am happy I made her happy.

OP posts:
yamsareyammy · 27/06/2013 21:52

Cravey. The DD is going to be stressed today.
She may need to change her ways a bit, but not today eh?

Jan49 · 27/06/2013 21:52

I would have left her to sort out her own dress as she didn't want to go til the last minute. I think it's weird that you bought her a ticket and even weirder that your DH booked a day off work.Confused How would you both have felt if she'd decided not to go?

I hope she appreciates what you've done for her, OP.

I've gone through this stage but with a ds not a dd. He said he didn't want to go to the school 'prom' and he didn't go, end of story.

usualsuspect · 27/06/2013 21:53

I hope OPs DD has a great night.

I would have done the same for any of mine when they were teenagers.

Cravey · 27/06/2013 21:54

She needs to change her ways full stop. What difference does it make when she has a strop. She had a tantrum over a limo. That is not nice. In fact it's bloody rude. Especially to the op who worked so hard to make her child happy.

Kizzit · 27/06/2013 21:54

TSSDNCOP I sooooo want one of those Grin
xylem8 thank you Smile

yamsareyammy · 27/06/2013 21:57

Kizzit, so you would have done it for her? Confused

Cravey, cant remember if you have 16+ children.

Lionessy. lovely.

MrsPnut · 27/06/2013 21:58

We've had probably similar tantrums for weeks - everytime something has not gone my DD1's way she says "I'm not going to prom, sell my ticket". Our reply is usually "oh well if that's what you want" It becomes almost a reflex action to release tension, if your parent's aren't rising to the bait then you begin to run out of steam.

I'll bet OP's DD said "I'll be the only one in the whole world not arriving in a limo and I'll look like the biggest loser ever" It's not the worst tantrum and it's a fairly common teenage occurrence.

Cravey · 27/06/2013 21:58

My children are 16 plus and before you ask I don't know what I would have done in the situation op found herself in. I do know I would have been gutted if I had run round all day for them and they threw it back in my face when I couldn't get a limo.

OneStepCloser · 27/06/2013 21:59

Blimey, in order to help your dcs stand on their own two feet does not mean picking a day and stopping all help forthwith, Dhs parents done that when he was 14 and he's been determined not to do that to dcs. Being a parent is not black and white, it's so much more complex. The op did what any lovely parent would do and ignored and laughed through a hormonal strop. dd works and is very independent, but I would have helped her, of course I would.

And she will look back and remember with gratitude.

PickledInAPearTree · 27/06/2013 21:59

This is getting weirder. Would it have taught her a lesson to have her bra strap showing and a VPL on the go?

It's not that bizarre to get some bra & pants to suit a frock.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/06/2013 22:01

Cravey

But the OP was gutted too.

Kizzit · 27/06/2013 22:01

yamsareyummy read my 21.37 post again.She wouldn't have asked. We would have talked it out long before.I would have made sure she knew what she was saying no to and what the time limit for change of heart would be. That wouldn't have been on the last day,no.

yamsareyammy · 27/06/2013 22:04

But you are not the op and your dd is not the op's dd

My question is what would you have done if you were the op, and obviously with the op's DD.
Can you put yourself in Lionessy's shoes?

yamsareyammy · 27/06/2013 22:05

Pickled, also some new jewellery, which is what the op did

Cravey · 27/06/2013 22:07

How on earth can anyone know how they would have reacted. Op knows her dd, that much is clear from the way she already bought the ticket and asked dh to have a day off work. Then ran round all day for her. I would like to think I would have helped in whatever way I could but honestly don't know. I don't think I would have been as forward sighted as op though. But then again my children were pretty black and white at that age.

yamsareyammy · 27/06/2013 22:15

Cravey. I think you would have done it too.
Like most of us.
Which is what we are commenting on, what would we have done if we were in the op's shoes today.

AllYoursBabooshka · 27/06/2013 22:17

Oh what's the point in these "tough lessons"?

When life it's shit it's shit, experiencing a shit situation when you are teenager doesn't make the shit things less shitty.

I would have done the same Lionessy.

I hope she has had a lovely time and don't worry if, as an adult she changes her mind about going to a prom and can't make it happen I'm sure she'll cope.

Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo and all that. :)

thebody · 27/06/2013 22:22

Bloody hell, this post still going.

Yes op agree with you and would have done just what you did.

Yes teens are like toddlers and have trouble handling life in general.

Yes you and dd will remember this in years to come and she will remember you sorted things out for her at cost of yourself,

Good on you

Original poster
Lionessy · 27/06/2013 22:24

You know, I do know my DD and I know she says a lot of crap that she does'nt mean. That's does'nt mean I take her at her word.

She got a letter recently inviting her to go a 3 week government funded course which includes a 2 week residential (1 week camping!) and a week working on a community project. These letters were sent to all her friends as well but they did'nt read them/parents did'nt fill them out whatever.

DD's initial reaction was 'No I'm not doing that, none of my friends are going, I'll get dirty if I go camping, the showers will not be clean, I won't be able to charge my phone, no, no and NO' whinge ad finitum!

I filled out the form including signing for her Shock and she is now booked to go in 2 weeks time. It looks amazing, making new friendships, doing loads of stuff she would'nt normally, a certificate which employers/college look on favourably and all for £35! Best of all we get some peace for 3 weeks and she will be busy instead of laying on her bed plugged into her phone or laptop.

Yesterday, one of her friends was here and I asked her why she was'nt doing it and she said she threw the letter in the bin but really wished she could do it now but it was too late. After she went DD threw her arms around me Shock and said 'thanks for not listening to me, I'm really looking forward to it'. She will be doing it on her own, knowing no one and will be forced out of her comfort zone into meeting new people.

Now if she had really insisted on not going then I would'nt have forced her and I have told her that I will pick her up early if it's really horrible but I don't think that will be necessary.

Sometimes a good lesson can be that she can make mistakes but she has someone she can rely on to help her through it. As a parent I will do that no matter how old she is. I don't have any contact with my family (toxic) and have really needed them on occasion but they were not there for me. My DC are never going to feel like that and if that makes them spoilt then so be it!

OP posts:
Dominodonkey · 27/06/2013 22:25

mrsPnut you think you are backing up the OP here but you are not really. Very few posters have actually said they would say 'tough, you can't go', few have suggested that the OP's daughter should not try to dress up and look nice.

Those saying the OP's daughter is spoilt can't quite believe that after changing her mind at the last minute the OP's daughter got not only the essentials ie a lift and a dress but all sorts of excessive things seemingly paid for by the OP and was allowed to have a large tantrum about something entirely of her making with no repercussions and what actually seems to be fond encouragement.

Sparklingbrook · 27/06/2013 22:26

Seems some people want our teens to experience shitty things, and do it with no assistance to prepare them.

And YY to Lionessy making her DD sort out her next Prom on her own, now she knows what to do. Grin

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